This Little Girl's Eyes

As I was looking in this little girl's eyes today I couldn't help but notice something about her. She is so sweet and smart but yet has so many problems and it isn't her fault. I want to help her and I would if I could but I can't. All she needs is that one on one and to let someone know she cares about her so much that they would cry in front of her. I started to because I knew how she could be and she really disappointed me. I had a good day with her one on one. She painted my toenails and she painted her own fingernails. It is strange because moments I see why a person would give up a child like her but then again if you just know what you are doing I see nothing wrong. It was strange and funny because I had to almost cry in front of her to make her see I really did care for her. I really did enjoy spending time with her. I had to keep repeating I cared for her, ask her what's wrong, tell her to talk to me, that I wasn't mad at her I just wanted to know what was wrong, and just to talk. It was like I was looking into a child's eyes that needed so much help but I couldn't really help her and it hurts me. It hurt me two ways. Not only did it hurt me emaitonally to where I almost cried but she was also hitting and pinching me but I just pushed through because sometimes children need that if it is bad enough. They don't need time outs or other displine like that, they need to know that someone won't give up on them and that they care about them no matter what they do to the grown up. The grown up will not walk away. They've had too many people walk away on them. I also told her that she was my princess for now and that she looked pretty because she didn't like her curly hair. She asked me if she was a princess and at first I said you are my little princess but then I changed it you are my princess for now. I just don't get it. It is hard sometimes and sad how bad children these days are. They will hit and pinch and try not to get attention when really all they need is that. They will also do that if they can't find the words that they want to say, don't know the words to say, or too shy to say them. After this girl saw me start to cry, she asked if she could have some purple lotion. That simple but yet so hard for a girl that has had a hard life. I can't give it to them at my job but I wish I could and I wish I could all day every day of my life like let their be a job like that. I have come up with a new thearpy though and it is called "Fingernail Polish" thearpy. Just sayin'. It could help some little girls. It helped this one today. There is more to this little girl and it shows in her eyes but then again with children I work with there is more to them but we just don't take the time to see it in each one sadly enough when that is our job. There is a little princess that wants to come out but can't because she is struggling with what she knows and is learning now. It amazes me the more i think about it because isn't that how we treat God and how we treated Jesus. We beat up on Him if were not happy if we have no idea what is next in our lives. I won't go on into any more details about her or what was going on in my life at that time but it is just a pysical picture of how we treat God often and we don't even know it most of the time. It was like God showing me, "Ok, you had patience with this little girl, now have patience with me and your future." Maybe God gave me more of a emational side and made me go through a period of not using my words but yet get mad first instead and then use them for a reason. :)

Nehemiah and God's Plan for him

This past Sunday we talked about Nehemiah and how God has been leading him through His Plan for him. The lesson really got me Sunday because it gave me the steps to work towards God's Plan and Dream for me and it showed me where I was in it and how far I need to go. In chapter one of Nehemiah, Nehemiah had a concern for his country, Jerusalem, because their wall burnt down. When he heard about this he sat down and cried and fasted and waited for days. He prayed to the Lord and asked for success when he was ready to go ask the king for help. Finding out what needs to be done, having a concern for it, and praying about it is the first step that needs to be done. He told the king what happened and the king wanted to help him out. The king asked him questions and Nehemiah was able to answer them. He also had a plan of what people to bring and what he needed to rebuild the wall. When he got to Jerusalem, he waited 3 more days. Then he went out into the night by himself to see what the problem looked like taking only a few closest man with him to share his concern. He did not tell anyone about his plan to rebuild the wall for he wanted to make sure they could do it first because spreading the news. He went everywhere in the city. When he got back to the camp and everyone was up, he told everyone about his plan because he was for sure that the city needed their help. The problem was big and something needed to be done about it. He related to the people calling the city "our" (verse 17). He had some people say they couldn't rebuild it or do it on their own but Nehemiah's reply was "The God of Heaven will help us succeeded. We his servants will start rebuilding this wall" (verse 20). This is all in chapter 2 of Nehemiah. The steps we, as people of today, can take from this story is:

-Identified with the people.
-Identified the reason.
-Identified the problem.
-Identified the solution.
-Identified the source of the plan that you have on your side, which is always God or should be.

-Waiting is okay because we learn more about the problem and seek out ways to help
-We can find those few people who will agree with us and are on the same page.
-We don't want to tell anyone what is on own hearts until we are for sure it can be done.
-We need to think about the plan first.
-Seek out things by self to see if it is possible.

Realizing my passion for Foster Care

God is working in me a lot espically since I finished a Bible Study yesterday called "When God Speaks" through my church. God will use every way He can to get across to us whether through His Word, His people, His church, or everyday life. It is sad when 19 children has to sleep in the DHS office over one weekend because there isn't enough foster homes or people to take them in. I've been going through somethings with friends and work that made me realize that I could be better at being more and ways I could grow more as a leader and as a person. I need to have more confidence and trust in myself more and what I'm doing and want to do and then use my words to share that with people outside of work. I need to and want to have more intentional talks with people and see where they are at in their lives. I'm excited because the thought of becoming a foster home might come true as God leads the way. I talked to a foster group at my church and they are going to get a study called "The Connected Child" started at church in the Fall so hopefully I can attend that because it sounds interesting. That was the Sunday morning foster care group and I'll be getting together with the Saturday night foster care group this next week and see what they are doing to help. God is moving me along and it is hard and happening fast but yet so rewarding at the same time and I'm learning so much which I love. I would have to take classes and prepare like get credits to be a foster parent but that's okay because then I will be learning more without the payments like I would have to in college. One thing I wish to help with is getting the church more involved in foster care/adoption. Where I live we have two of the biggest churches around and I'm attending one of them. We are focused on church planting and college missions and internationals which is great but what about the little children that God called us to from the start. Why not start there so we don't have all these problems? Why doesn't the church as a whole see where our future comes from and then do something about it? God has just been laying foster care and abused and abandon children on my heart more and more to where I can't sleep at night some nights and to the point where I would cry uncontorlablely. I feel like I need to do something but I can't do it by myself. I can always pray that things would turn around for the children but we have to put our faith in action and I'm doing that as much as I can but it is not enough and I know that and it never will be until we get more and more people involved. Children are our future! We can raise them right or not but right now as a country and dinfantly as the Church we are doing very poorly. I will get off my Soapbox for now. Just another update at where I am in my life before this month is over. It's sad that I have only written two enteries this month. My goal is to write a lot during the months not just one or two. It is my goal to write every thought down but that's hard sometimes.

The Night When God Turned My Life Around

God has His Way of getting things through to people there is no doubt about that and He got me to where I just surrendered right then and there to His Will. I work with abused and abandoned children and it is sad when they tell you their story like it is no big deal but they have to get it out somehow. I was rocking a little boy to sleep this past week and he went on and on about his life to where it made me cry in the dark room and surrender to God. This past week I have felt like I have been fighting God about what He wants me to do and why I am where I'm at even though I love it. I've been fighting Him about, for now, my future foster home. Can I do that or do I want to do something else? Do I want to stay here in AR or do I want to go somewhere else for good? Questions like those were asked this week. The little boy was talking about good and bad people, how he was scared of the dark and didn't want me to leave him, how his house was dirty and he had very little food. He even asked if the stars painted in the bedroom for the boys were for him. The tiniest dot on the wall. He saw a big dot as a start and asked if that was a bright star for him because that is where his Nana lives. After all that, how can you not give your life over to God because you know you are in way better hands then your own or anything earthly. On my drive home and the next day, it hit me, those questions are the same ones we ask God as humans, aka grown adults, here we are asking "is this for me when we have enough, am I safe if I do this for You, is this moment for me, or/and where are You." The little boy was questioning me like I sadly question God at times. God was showing me this is who you are being to Me right now. You are questioning just let go. That is when I look up towards the sky and was like "ok, God I'm done fighting you won." How many things do we take for granted? I also gave me because I thought how neat it would be to get those questions everyday as a foster parent: is this toy for me, is this bed and blanket for me, are these clothes for me, and be reminded that we have everything we need and to question God maybe more about the good things like why all these blessings or friends instead of doubting Him. Look to the positive side more often. Another funny thing is this little boy was talking about the stars and space and that is what my foster home is maybe going to be based around. It is like God is putting the theme of stars in my life for some reason.