In Due Time

"Don't worry about what people will think. You do you and you do what you know in your heart is right. Things will come around in due time for sure."
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          When I was thinking about the title and the saying above, I was thinking of what I can get out of the here and now but something happened this morning in the early morning that I can't wrap my mind around just yet. When we waste time thinking about what people will think of us, we will miss out on the events and people around us. People that really care about and events that could really mean something. Why stay somewhere when you aren't having fun there? Why not ask that friend to hang out because you might not know when the next time you will see them will be? Why not make that dream come true because you don't know when your life will end?
            These past few months I have felt things in my heart that I have never felt before and I have done things that I never thought I would. I have even done things these past few weeks that I didn't think I had the courage to do. I got to the point and still getting there where I don't care what people think about me even the people closest to the people I care about. I know that sounds bad but it isn't their attention I am trying to get. They don't know what I really feel in my heart at all like I do. Get it? I thought all this process was enough for me but what hit me last night was that it wasn't. I can't tell all the details because I don't know them all but I was really shocked when I heard the news.
          I heard the news at like 3:00 this morning for some reason because I was looking at Facebook on my phone. A college friend has a kind of cancer that I don't think I have ever heard of or at least I didn't noticed the name of it and she is only 32. She just turned that age in Dec. which was 5 months ago. She is married. She also has a little daughter that is the cutest thing ever! What gets me though, is that she is only 32 and needs treatments for this cancer. I'm two years away from that age. That right there shows you you never know what will happen. I will say that I just got back talking and hanging out with her to since college, which has been about 8+ years.
         This title and saying meant so much more to me after that and I stayed up a little while thinking about them but I had to get some more sleep before work today. If you worry about what people think, you will never get what you want or what God wants for you. Those things might be hard right now but hopefully, in due time, things will come around. I have so many events around me that is showing me that if I do what my heart says is right, things will be for the better and worth it in the end. I have never been more open in my life like I have been these past few months in certain situations. I just hope the people that are in them with me knows I mean the best and it is for a reason.
          It just got me to think about where I am in life and do I really want to stay there. What if I got the same news has my friend or close to the same news tomorrow would I know I lived my life well and all for God? I know this might sound dramatic but I am not meaning for it to come out that way. It is a question we all need to ask and a saying we all need to think about. Do I want to stay stressed out all my life or do I actually want to enjoy it? I know I am making a difference but can I be making a bigger difference? When questions like that are going on in my mind and keeping me up at night that should tell you where I am in life right now.  My friend had the "perfect" life and then she got the news. You know God can't do perfect timing if there is such thing for this for me to realize these things once again.
        I just know if I keep praying for certain things to happen and keep believing that a door will be opened some day, it will happen or if not then something better will come along. It isn't just these two events, I could probably name 3 more that are happening around me that are making me think: do I really need to stay where I am or move on? I am trying to be strong through these months and I might come across that way because if you see me out in public I try to hide it but I'm not okay. I am breaking on the inside because I don't know what to do anymore. Everything I thought I planned out or knew that I loved have not worked out perfectly yet and I don't know if they ever will. Yet those things are truly hard to get if they really mean a lot to you.
       You have to keep reaching for them even when times are tough. Having those experiences lately, though, have really opened my eyes and made me see a lot of things. It has taught me a lot about what life is really about. It has showed myself that I can do it and I can confront people about how I feel and not really care. I know that might sound bad but in a way it is good. I am getting better at sharing my true feelings and if you know me at all that is something that is really hard for me to do. I am getting better at noticing the surroundings around me too. When you share how you are feeling, so much gets lifted off of you. When you don't care what other people think, that weight is gone. That weight alone is SO heavy.
        I know that I have said in a past entry that my ministry heart has come back. I am thinking about all those mission trips and chances that I let pass me by when I had the chance to go. I am hitting myself upside the head not being able to change more children's lives overseas. When I think about what I would do differently again, my heart and mind always goes back to those moments and/or raising a family of my own. Maybe in due time, right? Maybe if I keep following my heart and not caring what people say about me?
        This is a big step towards a better life for me. Learning this will change everything for me. I needed this breakthrough ever since high school. I think God has some other plans in the near future for me that I will need to show that I am stronger then ever before. That I have changed and have been making it on my own.