Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

          I was going to write more about God's Love and more devos. but I've been thinking about something a lot lately today because of what I've been doing throughout the day and it is something to think about a lot. I've been worrying about my future lately and where it is heading. I have all these ideas and decisions to make. It is like adult life is catching up to me for once. I also have a friend that is out West of vacation and I'm thinking how nice that would be just to get things sorted out. Get the courage to tell everyone what I really want to do and then do it.
           I've been thinking a lot about grad college now for behavioral therapy. That costs so much money though and it is nice not to stress so much about money and being in debt. No matter what I do I feel like I will be in debt if I go back to college. It wouldn't take me so many years to get that degree but then I think about afterwards. Would I use it? How would I pay off my debt? Would it be better to have a family without debt or with debt? What are the benefits of getting a job to match my Master's degree?
           In my mind, I'm wanting to do it because there will be more money involved but with the debt, does that make a difference? It will also be one on one with children and people which I love more and think I can handle better then a classroom of children. It also depends on the type of child. I'm thinking of going back to grad school because I think there is no way I can make a living by myself on my degree I have now much less with a house and then a family that I want down the road. Not only that but what if my husband what's to run his own business full time and not work? I mean I will marry a guy who works but it would be so hard for him to provide everything for the family. I would want to help out a little bit.
            Not only is there the house and family to pay for but then the cars and everything else. It is not cheap to live these days which is sad but true. Everything is going up in amount of money yet the people that matter most are not getting paid enough. I do have more money then people my age would usually have and I'm blessed with that but I'm already worrying about how to spend it with just myself. What will it be like when I have a family? I will be more freaked out. I'm learning how to handle my money and different ways of spending but it is so hard because of those ways I feel like I'm growing up. That feeling is good but hard. It is also hard for me to remember everything I am being told. I'm the kind of person that has to go through it first hand and experience it even if I messed up the first time.
            Do I want to go to grad college so I can get paid more in any job and maybe get a higher paying job or do I want to stay at the job I am at now and be happy with what I'm getting there? The more schooling the higher pay you get anywhere. I just wish I could make a decision. I have all these great ideas but all of them are scary. I have two decisions I know that will never change and that is getting married and being a stay at home mom in the country/on the farm. If that is your true dream, then how can you work towards that? Look for the "right" guy? There is no such thing as the "right" guy.
             I also know you have to get stable with yourself before you can bring anyone else into your life. You have to know what you want and how life runs before you even think about other people. I've tried getting ready in the only way I can but that seems hopeless some days too. Yeah, I can learn to eat right, feel emotionally right, how to organize, how to cook, how to manage my time well, and so on but honestly woman does it feel like a waste of time some days? You can find yourself (aka the hobbies you like, ways to make you happy, what you want in a guy, and so on). You know what it is harder to do when you don't have guyfriends by you, encouraging you on. Letting you know that yeah you might not be right for them but keep doing what you are doing and the "right" one will come along.
              That is my rant right now. I'm just feeling confused and like I have a lot of decisions to make and it is hard when you feel alone in every decision. Life is hard when you have to do it alone. As a Christian, I know you don't do it alone because God is with you and you could and should depend on Him but in ways it is just not the same.