I HATE Change

          This year, even these past few months, have had a lot of changes going on for me and I don't like them. I don't like change period. I hate it with a passion. I know it is funny to hear this from a women you wanted to travel like a missionary for awhile but now I see I hate it and couldn't live with it. I think I just had too much in my life as a little girl that I want to stay in one place and settle there. I am ready to settle with job and house and just start a real life.
           With grandparents passing away and jobs changing, these past two years, I noticed I don't like changes at all. It was job after job changing different positions in those jobs. I just want to be in one position for more then 6 months. I'm really not liking the childcare field, the more I spend time in it. It is so much changing and not settling. I just want to be hired in one position with my degree that I spent 5 years getting and stay in that spot.
          As a child, growing up, I know I never did like changes, even the littlest of things would get me worked up, stressed out, or/and worried about the future. I could never handle changes good and as much as I hate to admit it, I would cry while the changes happened. Like tonight, I came home and cried because I was so stressed out from work, trying to be the lead, and felt unworthy of or just that all my energy was gone. I don't know what it is in me but if I had to be in charge on a team, I know this might sound bad, but it would stressed me out. Now if I can start as a lead somewhere and grow and get use to things that might be better.
           Not only does the change bother me but I think the not knowing what is going to happen next or who is going to be in the position that someone is looking for next kills me too. I am a very routine person so I get children who like their routine but get upset when it is messed up. I am that way still as an adult. It just seems like I get in the groove or routine with someone and then that someone goes away or I move to a different position or sometimes I live the job.
           I think that I need a job that I can stick with and make times on my own. A job where I can talk to people when and if I need to. Not be there at any certain time unless I schedule it. I know this sounds bad but not to depend on any other person either. I am very introverted and that how I was made and am. I just need to learn and see that. It's not that I don't like people but I'm not the kind of person that can make work friends to go hang out with after work or just at work. I am the kind of person who likes to have those deep friendships that will be there and I can be sure they will be there even after I move on from that job.
          You could also say that I might be very professional because I don't think friends should be a work things. I mean yeah, you could talk about what is going on at work but then what else? I don't want to get my personal life and my work life mixed up because sometimes work is where I go to forget about my personal life if that makes sense. I want to be there for the children and play with them and pay attention to them instead of talking about life. Sorry, if it sounds rude but that is how I feel right now until I find that job where I feel like I can settle down and trust the people I am around.
           I think a lot of these feelings are just because of the change in my life since I have moved to AR. Friends have been changing, jobs have been changing even positions within jobs, and my mind have been changing about my future and what I want to do. I'm just ready to settled but I need to feel comfortable of where I will settled and about how I will settle. Right now, I don't feel either one of those where I am in life now. I do need to change more and I am working on that but for now I want things that are now to stay the same and no more changing. Why? Because I HATE change! Always have and always will! Unless it is something that I dreamed about for ages that is coming true or something that I really, really can't do without.
             It might grow you in ways but I think for me a lot of times it holds me back because I feel like I can't grow if I don't need to grow. If I just need to use the same things that I have been using for years around me then my thought is why grow or why learn new things? Why learn if I'm going to stay in the childcare field? Why learn if I'm just going to be an assistant teacher for the rest of my life? Why be adventurous if I'm just going to stay in MO or AR for the rest of my life? Get it? I might be smart and very creative but why show it when I can get by with the same things over and over and that is all that humans see in me. How can I make others see that I have more to offer?