Ever had that Feeling?

       Have you ever had that feeling where you just want to give up and let go? Where you want to drink but know it is wrong and it does not help? Have had people tell you God is in contorl but does not feel like it? You just want them to be quite for now? Scared of what is next for you? I have all those feelings this past week and will for maybe a month?
          Also, have had enough change in all of your area of life that you want nothing more but life to be stable? I do not know what to do with these feelings. I feel like I need to travel a whole month and just settled for something afterwards. I just need that stability in my life these days. I hate going into work or starting any day without knowing what is ahead for me. I like routine. I am a person of routine and it takes me awhile depending on how big the change is to get use to it again. It could take me a week to a month to get back on track.
         I know I am suppose to trust God and all of that but the words seem so simple but the action is so hard especially when you are the kind of person that like routine and to make plans for down the road. I have all these questions that I never thought I would have at this moment of my life because I didn't think I would ever need them but boy, was I wrong. I was suppose to be married or on my way to getting married and having a family or that was my plan in high school. I still want a husband and a family. That is a desire of my heart but how am I suppose to get those things when I can't even run my own life.
         I want to be firm footed in my life. I want to get to a place where I can be happy all the time. I want to be at a place that doesn't change every 6 months or 3 years. I am a person of long commitment for all things not just marriage. Then, again, it also doesn't help that it seems like I have it all together from the outside. I might seem like this stubborn, determined, country girl that has it all together even at the hardest of times but I don't. I just know how to hide it at best because I have been doing that all my life. Then I get to thinking, "What guy would want a girl that is determined and stubborn?" A guy can't save that type of girl because they don't know how she really feels. The guy would have to get thinking and talking deep to me and no guy has came along yet that wants to do that.
        It is just another feeling that I have. I can be independent all I want but I will never get a husband that way. Another feeling is that I feel alone a lot of the times and not just my living or job situation but also my stage of life. I feel like no one understands me or they are all too busy to really care what I am feeling. I know they are not but it downs't help when there is also a lot going on in your family and everybody is spilt every which way and yours is the least important right now. That is how I feel at least because I am just moving down the street, maybe? Everyone else's events are in place and set on a date and I am just here waiting like I have been doing for half of my life.
       I'm single but I am ready for any kind of commitment and when I say any kind I mean: in a job, in a relationship, and all the other areas of life. I just hate thinking about moving every 5 years again and again and then it would take me a year to get use to the new place. I just people would just understand me right now and try to keep my life as stable as possible. Why can't I start a dream of my own and just stick with it like everyone else does? Whether it is starting my own business or going back to college? Why am I thinking that I can't stick to something while I am single and keep busy? Guys like girls that are "settled down" but up for an adventure, right?
        Yes, I am up for new adventures but not all at the same time and not every other week or every month. I need them spread out so I can enjoy life more instead of being stressed out and anxious all the time. I don't remember a time lately that I actually felt peace come over me and I know I haven't had time to read a book or do a craft. I am either sleepy from keeping up with the week and trying to do everything right at work to coming home and packing or worrying about work. I just don't know if it is just my personality but I know I need to work on trusting a lot more but how can I trust someone when they let you down or always take people away from me.
         How can I trust them when they don't listen to what I have to say? How can I trust them if they don't do what I say? I might get a lot of comments about this entry but people need to know that I am just stressed out with everything and instead of telling me what to do and giving me all the load. I need half of the load and a lot of encouragement because it is hard when you are 28 and not where you thought you would be at this time in life. It is also hard when you have to prove to people that you knew 10 years ago that you did make something of yourself for those 10 years but now you have no idea what is going to happen for the next 10 years.
          I guess I don't get this whole guy/girl thing and I really wish that I could just have a guy friend that would answer these questions but no guy ever wants to talk to me because I get deep really fast and they are all too busy. Deepness and being real is my personality and I would and do do it with anyone. Girl or guy? Might not be good in the long run but there are other ways I can show a guy I like him besides just that. Anyways, that is my mind speaking for the day. Sorry it is so long and that I am only writing personal things on the weekends lately. Hopefully, I can get back to writing every other day very soon.