No Plan for Me Yet

        I wrote this down in my journal last night in the middle of the night because I woke up and could not go back to sleep. After I wrote it, I went to sleep peacefully. I am warning you I am typing on my phone because my internet is messed up right now.
        After I got my apartment packed up and my family left for the day, I sat in the middle of my bedroom floor and the tears started to flow. I was crying off and on all day if I was not a sleep. I have been so strong for a long time but yet I cannot share what I am feeling out loud. Everything is happening so fast after 5 years in one apartment! Everything is changing so fast and if you really know me I do not do well with change at all. That is when I get high level of anxiety.
         I have no idea where I will end up at. I am trying to trust God in all of this because I know He has a plan but I am a person that also likes to know what the plan is too. This is the first time in my life that I have felt so alone too and that does not help. I love my family and thankful that we are so close that we can and will help each other out in time of need.
         As I sat in my empty apartment, though, that my family and one friend helped packed it up, it made me think am I really that alone. Do I only have my family and a few friends to count on in my life? Not that it is bad but how am I going to make it through my life when the time comes to go on away from them. God has to be doing something in my life now because I have more time to spend with Him then I ever did before but what?
         I feel like I am a missionary again but this time it is for my own life, if that makes sense. I am still working my job plus starting a new job in two weeks. My anxiety is kicking in and I wish I could talk about it but I cannot. Laying in bed at night or waking up in the middle of the night thinking about how to pack, what to pack, and how to handle both jobs. I am praying that this is the lowest point and that my 5th year in AR will only get better from here.
          I want my 5th year to be a big one! I am eating TV dinners and roman noddles with plastic silverware and paper bowls. Surprising at the same time that all of this is going on, I am being reminded of how I should be thankful for the simple things again like family, friends, silverware, dishes, and a ton of clothes and shoes and so on. It just seems like everytime you have to deal with less things, it makes life a little bit more simpler and I do not mind simple. Funny, when I redirected my life back in Feb. I had no idea this was what God had in store for me as my big test in trusting Him.
         I know it is not the only one He has in store for me this year either. It is quite the experience for me at the age of 28 going on 29 in a few months.  God will bless me, though. He always come through and does blesses the ones who love Him. Cannot wait to see what God has in store for me once I finally get settled down in and with everything!

Psalm 18:6-49-Getting Rid of Anxiety

In my distress I called to the Lord;
    I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
    my cry came before him, into his ears.
7 The earth trembled and quaked,
    and the foundations of the mountains shook;
    they trembled because he was angry.
8 Smoke rose from his nostrils;
    consuming fire came from his mouth,
    burning coals blazed out of it.
9 He parted the heavens and came down;
    dark clouds were under his feet.
10 He mounted the cherubim and flew;
    he soared on the wings of the wind.
11 He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
    the dark rain clouds of the sky.
12 Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
    with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
13 The Lord thundered from heaven;
    the voice of the Most High resounded.[d]
14 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,
    with great bolts of lightning he routed them.
15 The valleys of the sea were exposed
    and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, Lord,
    at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
    from my foes, who were too strong for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
    but the Lord was my support.
19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
    he rescued me because he delighted in me.

20 The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
    according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.
21 For I have kept the ways of the Lord;
    I am not guilty of turning from my God.
22 All his laws are before me;
    I have not turned away from his decrees.
23 I have been blameless before him
    and have kept myself from sin.
24 The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
    according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

25 To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
    to the blameless you show yourself blameless,
26 to the pure you show yourself pure,
    but to the devious you show yourself shrewd.
27 You save the humble
    but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
28 You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
    my God turns my darkness into light.
29 With your help I can advance against a troop[e];
    with my God I can scale a wall.

30 As for God, his way is perfect:
    The Lord’s word is flawless;
    he shields all who take refuge in him.
31 For who is God besides the Lord?
    And who is the Rock except our God?
32 It is God who arms me with strength
    and keeps my way secure.
33 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
    he causes me to stand on the heights.
34 He trains my hands for battle;
    my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
35 You make your saving help my shield,
    and your right hand sustains me;
    your help has made me great.
36 You provide a broad path for my feet,
    so that my ankles do not give way.

37 I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
    I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
38 I crushed them so that they could not rise;
    they fell beneath my feet.
39 You armed me with strength for battle;
    you humbled my adversaries before me.
40 You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
    and I destroyed my foes.
41 They cried for help, but there was no one to save them—
    to the Lord, but he did not answer.
42 I beat them as fine as windblown dust;
    I trampled them[f] like mud in the streets.
43 You have delivered me from the attacks of the people;
    you have made me the head of nations.
People I did not know now serve me,
44     foreigners cower before me;
    as soon as they hear of me, they obey me.
45 They all lose heart;
    they come trembling from their strongholds.

46 The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock!
    Exalted be God my Savior!
47 He is the God who avenges me,
    who subdues nations under me,
48     who saves me from my enemies.
You exalted me above my foes;
    from a violent man you rescued me.
49 Therefore I will praise you, Lord, among the nations;
    I will sing the praises of your name.

Helping a Million of Children

          "I was working for Focus on the Family’s children’s magazines, and my supervisor gave me a Mother’s Day Card. Inside she had written: “Thanks for being a spiritual mother to thousands of children.” I hadn’t thought of my job as mothering. I viewed my childless life differently after that. I began to see all of the children God had placed in my life to nurture: nephews and nieces, my friends’ children, the kids in the Sunday School class I taught, even a teen I met for coffee once a week."


       "I didn’t view these experiences as a consolation prize for not being a mom yet. They were God’s gifts and a chance for me to live in ways I had been created for — long before I became someone’s actual “Mommy.” As I embraced my nurturing side with other people’s children, I had less fear about never having children of my own."

       "He can provide exactly what you need to live the full reality of who He’s made you to be. If He created you with a heart that longs to nurture and protect, He will put people in your life to nurture and protect, even if they don’t come in the form you expect them to. Be willing to see where God is trying to redirect passions or desires that you may think can only be filled in a particular way."

       "You are intentionally created and deeply loved, and even while those longings are still unmet, take hope and purpose in seeing His fingerprints in these areas."

These quotes are from an article called, "I Feel Like I was Born to Have Babies" by Susanne Hadley Gosslin. 

         These quotes and the whole article meant the world to me. I am single with no children yet but I have been in the childcare field for almost 10 years and 29 years if you want to count my first nephew and on. This title of the entry might go or it might not. We will see which way this entry goes but I am not going to change it because either way it is true for me personally. 

         I will say that I probably have not help a million of children yet but it should does feel like it most of the time. I know that I have dealt with a lot of different children from international to in states children. I am also taking care of a teenager right now and a few at that if you want to get to the point. I am even taking care of a college going child. Yes, child to get more precise. Don't tell me I don't know what it is like not having any children. 

        I am a mother like figure to a lot of children and I can tell you for sure that I was that figure to at least 200 of them that were abused children. That is one group that I have worked with before. Then had maybe 100 or 150 more that was in an orphanage in Guatemala that I visited for two years so that would be 350 children. That is just guessing at the orphanage. There might have been more. 

        Then I have been a mother like figure for 8 hours a day to children working in daycares, preschools, and combination of both of those things. I have worked in a college setting daycare, headstart daycare (where it is low income families), non profit daycares, children's shelter for the abused, and big business like ones along with orphanages like I said before. I have also worked at feeding centers that had families with children. Those feeding centers were in Mexico and even one in Texas. 

       I even volunteer at a place in TX over a college spring break where a lot of Hispanic children lived and were apart of. That group would go out to apartment buildings around town and to VBS in the summer for the children that lived in those apartments. They were really torn down looking apartments. The group had a build of their own where families could go and get food if they needed it and medical help too. 

        I am also sponsoring two children through Compassion International and one is 17 now and the other one is 5. The 17 year old girl I started to sponsor when she was 5 and I was probably close to 18 year old myself. She is from the Philppians. The 5 year old girl I just started sponsoring in December and she lives in Guatemala. 

        All this to say that I might not be a mom just yet or I might never be. God might keep giving me children through adventures like these but no matter what I will always have children. He might not what me to have my own. Every child that I come in contact with steals a piece of my heart and I will always remember them. I will admit some more then other but that also depends on the time I get to spend with them and what not. Different situations equals different amounts if you know what I mean. 

        Also all this to say that God could just be preparing me to for my own kids because I have and still am learning a lot from every place that I work or go to. I see why not to do something even if I have been told not to do it to my own children. Things I never thought I would have to see to know not to do that to them but it still helps to have those stories and images in my head even though it is scary at times. I have also seen different ways of raising children. Less TV or more TV. Indoors all the time or Outdoors most of the time. City child or Country child and why. And so on. 

        Never down on someone's passion because they don't know what a situation is like or because they don't have something you do in this case a child. You don't know their whole life story. There is more to a person then anyone knows. You can't get to know a whole person in a year especially if they are the quite type. 

My Inheritance and Identity in Christ

*I am a Child of God (John 1:12)


*I have peace with God (Rom. 5:1)


*The Holy Spirit lives in me (1 Cor. 3:16)


*I have access To God's wisdom (Jas. 1:5)


*I am helped by God (Heb. 4:16)


*I am reconciled to God (Rom. 5:11)


*I am not condemned by God (Rom. 8:1)


*I am Justified (Rom. 5:1)


*I am tenderly loved by God (Jer. 31:3)


*I am the sweet fragrance of Christ of God (2 Cor. 2:15)


*I am Chosen by God, holy and dearly loved. (Col.3:12)


*I am united to the Lord, one spirit with him (1 Cor. 6:17)


*I am born of God, and the evil one cannot touch me (1 John 5:18)


*I have the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16)


*I may approach God with boldness, freedom, and confidence (Eph. 3:12)


*My needs are met by God (Phil. 4:19)


*I am assured that all things are working together for good (Rom. 8:28)


*I cannot be separated from the love of God (Rom. 8:35)


*I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God (2 Cor. 1:21, 22)


*I am confident that the good work that God has began in me will be perfected (Phil. 1:6)


*I am God's co-worker (2 Cor. 6:1, 1 Cor. 3:9)


*I can do all things through Christ, who gives me the strength I need (Phil. 4:13)


*I am holy, and I share in God's heavenly calling (Heb. 3:1)


*I am firmly rooted and built up in Christ (Col. 2:7)


*I have been adopted as God's child (Eph. 1:5)


*I have been made complete in Christ (Col. 2:10)


*I have been given a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline (2 Tim. 1:7)


*I have been given great and precious promises by God (2 Pet. 1:4)


*I have been brought with a price, and I belong to God (1 Cor. 6:19, 20)


*I am free from any condemning charges against me (Rom. 8:21)


*I am God's workmanship (Eph. 2:10)


*I am a personal witness of Christ's (Acts 1:8)


*I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm (Eph. 2:6)


*I am hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:3)


*I am lights child of light (1 Thess. 5:5)


*I am chosen by Christ to bear fruit (John 15:6)


*I am a branch on Christ's vine (John 15:1, 5)


*I am a joint heir with Christ, sharing his inheritance with him (Rom. 8:17)


*I am the light of the world (Matt. 5:14)


*I have been rescued from Satan's domain and transferred into the kingdom of Christ (Col. 1:13)


*I am a citizen of heaven (Phil. 3:20)


*I am a temple in which God dwells (1 Cor. 3:16)


*I am blameless and beyond reproach (Col. 1:22)

The Shield of Faith

       "It is a hard decision because you have to really pray and figure out if this is something you want or God wants. That is the hardest part of this whole thing is putting your thoughts and feelings aside and only hearing God. I think if you are able to do that every thing else will answer itself. God is always growing us and changing us, and it is good not to be comfortable, because if you are comfortable you are not open to the change God could be making in you. God had just slightly changed the path he wanted me to walk down."
        "I know people hear this a lot but you must prayer. Sometimes we want the answers so fast we forget who to ask the question to. Pray for wisdom, guidance and for His Will to be done." I hope God put the answers on your heart......all in His Timing of course." - From a Friend

         I always look at this saying and think that it is very challenging. At the same time, every time I look at this saying God always teaches me something new from it. I could have have looked at this saying 3 years since it has been written and even 6 years since then and more but each time it has been a different situation in my life and each time I have learned something new from this saying. It is funny when one saying can keep pushing you to new levels of things in your life like this one does for me. What I am going to write about in this entry is what it means to mean when I look at it with the eyes of faith. If you want to know what it has mean to me other times, you can look back at some of my other entries because I know I have written about it before too.
         This last time that I read it I was going through a Bible study that taught us about the armor of God and it happened to be the week that we were studying about the Shield of Faith. That is why I am writing about it now because I say in in a whole new way. A Faith Way and it really stuck to me. Usually I would see it as "a you can get through this hard time in life" way  and "this is what I need at this moment of my life" way. I guess though, that it never really hit me where I needed it to hit me and teach me a certain word in life until that week of Faith. That is when it all came to me even after of 7 years of looking at this saying off and on no matter the season of my life.
            It really speaks full heartily about what Faith really is and/or what it should be like. I think this is the best way to describe it and I don't know if my friend thought of it that way when it was written. I asked my friend about a situation in college and this is the answer my friend gave me. I had to make a decision on something and didn't know which way to go. That's why it starts with "this is a hard decision". Then I liked how it said "you have to pray and figure out if this is something God wants or that you want". Isn't that what faith is all about? Seeing what God wants and then stepping out to do it? It is hard for us, humans, to put our feelings and thoughts aside and just listen to God and I would be lying if I said most of the time because it is all of the time at least for me it is.
          If we could all just put things aside in this world and listen to God, our lives would be much more fun and fuller then we ever would think of. If we are able to do those two things, then we should be able to follow God where He wants us.  My favorite of this saying and I always read this part and stop to think about it too, is: "if God wants us to change then He could be growing and changing us, it isn't good to get comfortable because if we are then we are not open to the changes that God could be making in us".
          I always have a hard time getting out of my comfort zone so that is why I love that part so much and why it has been really encouraging to me in the past years. Even if it is just sightly changed, it could make all the different in the world if we take it or not. God has a reason for making changes in our lives and we need to follow Him and do those changes. Have the faith to do those changes! Then it is PRAYER that my friend points out that is really important to and in FAITH. We can't ask the humans around us because they are just as bad as we are. We sometimes or all of the time need to ask for wisdom, understanding, and His Will to be done in our lives. We need to pray that He will show us what He wants us to do or to see.
          We are just in such a hurry these days here on earth that we don't stop to think about the answers or to actually listen to God. We go along with the answers we get from our friends, family, and the people around us. I understand that they might want to help us and try their best but something only God knows what is best for us. Then the last part is my favorite part that I will remember forever and that is......."God will put the answers on your heart..........all in His Timing of course. That is one of the things, probably the most important thing, that we need to remember throughout our lives. Everything happens for a reason and all in HIs Timing of course. It is all about putting your Faith in God and stepping out to follow Him. The End.