Life of War

           Life of war is a real thing. That is what I am finding out in this moment of my life. This past week has been so, not really hard, but exhausting and just emotional for me. I am still struggling from what I gave up in my life a few weeks ago. Still trying not to go back to the before ways, but to tell you the truth it is hard. I don't want to go back and that is why my life is a war right now. That is why I haven't really wrote anything very personal for a week or so because I have just been taking everything to God. That is where it needs to go in the first place.
            It all started a week ago today and it is now off and on with me. I never had to fight so hard for something that I believed in until this past weekend. I was actual feeling the tug in both ways. They were both tugging at my heart. One saying that you don't want to move on because you won't get anything better while God was telling me you need to and have to. Trust me! Those tugs were just so strong that I almost couldn't breathe. It really shook me up. I never felt that feeling before but I knew something had to change. There is nothing where I am at now in my personal life for me. Everyone else that I know have moved on. Why haven't I? After that night, I felt like my life has just been at war and that is why I am writing this now.
           I am ready to move on and open up new doors for myself. I am ready to go on the adventures that I haven't yet because of being held back. I have given up and let go of some things this week that I never thought I would. My eyes have been open to things that they should have been open to before now. I get two daily verses one from a friend and one from a new app. I am using myself and those seem to be what I need right at that moment and they even go together somehow, which is strange. God knows that if I hold onto what I was any longer, I was going to break. It just got to that point that I am and was done.
            I am slowly giving up on anything that had to do with that fight the other night. It will be a day by day process but after believing it for 8 years, do you really think it would be fast? I would it would be fast and I wish it would just end but I will continue to learn through it all no matter what happens. God is showing me that I can trust Him in everything. He will lead me to the best for me because He knows it. It is a life a war because I felt little wars having to do with my career but now God is showing me what a war is like with friendships/relationships. He is showing me what really matters when it comes down to those two things.
            Do I want a friend that won't pay attention to me at all or do I want a friend where we can both share things equally? I am sick of working for the attention that I do not get at all. Not only will it happen in career and friendships but it will have in marriages, families, with money, and so on. We do really live a life of war and that war is against the devil. I see it now when people say that being a believer in God is not easy at all. The devil will try anything to get you to stay down in the dumps and for me he had me there until recently. He had me believing all those lies, crying my heart out, yelling at the top of my lungs, and so forth. For the people that know me, I know that doesn't sound like me at all.
            Yet, that is what I have been fighting like for the past month or more. I am just pretty good at hiding it when I am out in public. I can't tell you how many times I have cried this past week just because I have no idea what is going to happen. Giving up control is not the easiest thing for me to do. I mean living by myself for 8+ years. What do you expect? I had a lot of temptations this week where I wanted to go back to the old and where I wanted to think those thoughts but I fought through them. I love the verse I got today. It was: James 1:14. It says:

             "Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drags us away."

I can tell you, right now, that is what I have been fighting with. I told friends that I was up for something and then here is all this temptation coming at me this week but I fought it hard. I know that the temptation comes from what I want and not what God wants. It makes total sense with this verse.
            It does drag us away from the One who really Loves us. We get so caught up in what we think is right for us that we don't see what God has for us and I don't want that. I know the difference now in freedom and temptation and that devil doesn't like that at all so he is going to try harder. Temptation is all those bad thoughts about us or doing the things we know are wrong but yet doing them anyways. It is me crying after doing the things I know I wasn't suppose to do. It is me not feeling at peace with what I did.
            Yet, freedom is the total opposite. It is being at peace with what you did and knowing it is right and okay. It is the joyful and happy feeling that you get without the crying or I guess it could be with crying, depending on how sleepy you are. It is when you see the good in things and in yourself. I will say this. Looking back, I now know that I have been at war in my life since I moved to AR if not then, then a little afterwards and it wasn't fun. I know that war has been hitting me harder the past 3 years. If that makes sense. I am ready to be serious but yet have fun. I am ready to see things for what they truly are.
              Being Christian means we are living a Life of War but in the end it will be worth it all. In the end, we get to have enteral life in a place more beautiful then where we are now.