Every Little Detail - Fear=Gratefulness

          I feel like God has been teaching me something important these past few weeks. I was talking to a friend of mine because I have been so overwhelmed with fear and been scared about a lot of things going on in my life right now. I can't even put my finger on it yet because everything is fine but at the same time God is working and when He is working things don't stay the same. I've also noticed the little details of my life more and what I'm doing in those moments and trying to have them focused on God too. He even cares about the little moments and that is amazing to think about because He is a really, big God.
           I tell you what is going on in my life right now and see if you can get what I'm saying about fear and the little details and gratefulness. I'm thinking of going back to college to get my Master's but I'm scared to do that. What I really want is a family. I want to be a stay at home mom and with college and a job that wants a Master's degree I won't have time for one. Going back to get my Master's, I might have to take the GRE to get in or see if I am able to go. The GRE and studying for it are examples of little details that God cares about because they lead me where He wants me to be. At the same time, I am scared that I won't pass it because I'm a bad test taker and then want will I do for my life.
          Another way to think about the little details and fear they might cause is in friendships. What if you say something wrong or not at the right time? What if you just talk on an on when really they just want you to listen? There is that fear that you messed it up or that they don't like you anymore. There is also that fear of what do they think of me now that I said it. That is why we have to be careful of the words that are coming out of our mouths and make sure they are encouraging words and not words that put people down.
         Those two things kind of goes back to the subject of fear. I am hiding behind all of this things plus my job because I'm just scared and I don't want to move forwards but at the same time I'm bored with where I am now. A friend told me that hiding in fear is what Adam and Eve did in the garden. They hid from God because they knew they did wrong after they took a bite of the apple. When we think we did or are doing something wrong, do we tried to hide or make up excuses to get away with it? We stay busy with our job or chores or just even with friends because we don't want to think about "I did it when God told me not to". It is more of a trust issue then anything.
           Adam and Eve didn't trust God when He said not to eat from the tree for you will surely die. Their commandment did not end good but if we take away that fear and trust God with everything we have our lives can turn out way better then we ever though possible. We hear people and pastor talk about having the fear of God in our lives but the fear in the garden was a different kind of fear. It was a fear that made us turn away from God. The fear of God is a good fear or trust. I might be wrong on that so check it with someone you trust but it might be close. The fear of God is like God telling you to do something and you do it because you know it will turn out good but yet at the same time you are still scared if that makes any sense at all.
            I know it seems to be really confusing but the fear in the garden is a good thing to look at because as humans we have that kind of fear everyday. We want things our own way and when we don't get it we fear it is wrong and step back into our way instead of God's way. We can be hiding behind a lot of things at the same time like I was and am. I'm hiding behind the GRE, job, family, and some friends but I don't need to. I need to trust God in all of that because there is a reason for everything He is doing right now in my life. I wouldn't be where I am if He didn't want me here.
TRUST TAKES AWAY FEAR!!!! Pray that God will give you the trust that you need to have that fear in your life taken away from you.

Playing with Pumpkin Seeds

         Some moments are just too cute not to love and to stop especially when it is a child's first time at the age of 3 or older. I had another one of those moments today that I planned and it went over pretty well, I think. Most of the children loved it and didn't want to stop. Again this is a memory note for me but you are welcome to read it.
           I cut open a pumpkin, that we brought at the pumpkin patch the Monday before, with the children today at my job and at first they were scared about what was inside the pumpkin. They would dig the seeds out with spoons, not their hands. Of course, I got in there with my hands and started digging in it. It did take them a few mins. to get brave enough to stick their hands in it but once they did they loved it.
          They loved playing with the wet seeds more then inside of the pumpkin. We put the seeds in a bowl after they dug them out of the pumpkin. Everyone wanted to play in the bowl of seeds. When they did they all laughed, smiled, and said, "Ewwwwww......". It was great! They wanted to eat them but I told them they have to be cooked first. I could not get the bowl away from them to put it up so we played with the seeds for awhile.
           They said the seeds felt cold and wet. They also liked the smell of the pumpkin. It was just fun to watch how at first no one would be their hands in the pumpkin and I would touch them with my yucky hands and they would tell me to stop. Once they found out that they could play in the bowl of seeds, they loved it. They would play in that and then stick their hands in the pumpkin a few times. They still liked playing with the seeds better, though. Even the little toddlers liked to play in the pumpkin and seeds. They were actually the first ones in the pumpkin but they didn't last too long because they started eating the seeds.
            I was going to do everything inside at our dining tables but then I thought how fun would it be to do a "lesson" outside so we did it outside on the playground. It was a cool, Fall morning to do something Fally like cut and dig in a pumpkin so we did and it was spent mostly outside until it started to rain a little bit on us and then we had to go back inside and play with the toys. The children got sidetracked with them.
            Something new they get to do and yet for me I get to see those smiles on their faces. It is, again, moments like those they will remember forever. The time when they got to try and experience something new and unusual, something from nature, not just when they were playing with toys. That is a whole other entry for me or could be but I won't drag you down with it.

What is God to do with a Passionate Heart?

         I go to work and the first thing I do is, of course, wake up the children. It was like every other morning until I got to this one child to wake him up. He came to be with us yesterday afternoon. The first thought that went through my mind was, "We should not have a child like this in America." He is all skin and bones. He has a sickness that does that to him but that can't be all. Even if it is, how in the world would he get the sickness?
          He was light to pick up and carry. Dark circles under his eyes. He would eat things off the ground and he ate all of his food very slowly like he was savoring each bit to make it last longer. It really sickened me to see a child like this child. I would be okay with seeing his condition in another country because they have excuses but here in America we don't. We have everything a child needs the parents just need to help them.
          I had his sister at my job before him and she was so skinny too. Seeing him just makes me more worried for her too. How in the world can a person have two children but yet let them be so skinny and also developmentally behind.
          I got to thinking about my future and the job that I would like to live with (aka my dream) and it is hard. I will be really blessed if I do get married because I'm going to have a hard job all my life and a guy will have to put up with my soapbox every night. I like to do therapy and/or fostering of some sort. With both of those jobs, you know children come in with bad stories, not all of them but some of them. Of course, we can never get away from that now because sadly it is just the world. Even if I was to be a teacher, I would still have to deal with knowing children that didn't eat when I sent them home or home be themselves or get hit every night.
            If I even thought of that, I would not be able to send them home so there is no way I could go back to teaching now because I would see the classroom in a whole different view and hotlines would know me by name after a year or shorter. I'm seriously asking God, right now, what do you want in life from me? Do I give up my dream of a family like I did my teaching dream and care for orphans and foster children? Do I give up on looking for a spouse because there is not a guy out there that could handle me and my job (passionate heart). If there is, he is pretty special.
           To be honest, I ask myself a lot of times when I feel like I can't do anything, like in this situation, why does God give me a passionate heart? Why does God give me this child in my life for a few months or even a few days sometimes? Just to get me upset and to think about what life really is all about? To bring me closer to Him? To make me dependent on Him and not my own self righteousness? What is God going to do with this passionate heart of mine? I would like to know but whatever it will be it will really be a surprise for me and everyone else.
              I just have to give it over to God and keep doing that and He will take care of the rest. Being a worrisome person in the first place and working at a job like I do are not good things to put together but they will, for sure, make me strong. I can just pray for the best for that child now and when they move on and for me everyday because I need it to get through a day.

A Visit to the Pumpkin Patch

           I had a little too much fun with my children today. It was our turn to go to the pumpkin patch and play. The weather was prefect! It was windy and cool with some clouds in the sky. The prefect Fall day! There were leaves blowing from the trees. We spent all morning there and they had everything to do. They had a hay hill and hay tunnels built. They also had donkeys to pet and two hayrides to ride on. There was 5 adults and 5 children. The farm even had a wooden toy train and tractor we (the kids) could climb on and play on. They took turns driving the tractor. It was so much fun!
            It was so fun seeing the children just running around and playing. They had smiles on their faces and wanted to do everything twice or more. We even brought each of them a pumpkin to take back. They each got a white, yellowish looking one, not the normal orange one. It was also fun because we got to have a picnic on there on the farm. We brought snack lunches and sat at picnic tables. The children really enjoyed that too. They were all sleepy when we got in the van and fell asleep probably within 5 mins. down the road.
            The hayride was fun! We went through a "forest" (around a square) and it was decorated with Halloween things on one side and FairyTales on the other. The children even got to see where the pumpkins came from, some corn stocks, and small strawberry plants that they were growing for next year. They also had a corn maze but we didn't do that part of it.
            I'm writing this so it will be a memory for me so there isn't much to say. How can you write out a thing like this moment with the children so you can remember forever? You can't. It just amazes me that for most of them it will be their first and only time. It is moments like these when we actually go and make the memories with the children that I like best about my job because really if you think about it those memories, even with your own children, are the memories you will remember and have pictures of forever.
            I'm done explaining how today went. For the most part, you just had to be there and see everything and everyone's faces. It is the little and simplest things that count the most and I see that everyday in this job.

Changing Colors, Changing Life in the Fall

        As I was running this morning, I saw the beautiful Fall colors in the leaves and stop to take pictures of some of them because the sun was just rising and shining just right on them. Then I saw a few unique leaves and took pictures of those. The leaves were turning the color red so there was a little red on them like they have just started to change but most of the leaf was still green. That is how I got the title for this entry. You can learn things from God in nature and that is why I love His Creation more then anything. The things that look the simplest are often the hardest to explain and understand like changing colors of leaves in the Fall.
          God, somehow, knew I needed that reminder in my life right now of a changing life and that it can be beautiful at the same time. It might be because I started a new position at my job not too long ago and I'm still trying to see where and if I still fit with my friends that I felt like I left during the year of my evening shifts. The more I realize that while doing the same things I use to I also realize that I have changed to. My eyes are more open and I seem like I am more compassionate and aware of what is going on around me. I seem to not fit in where I am now because I want to do so much more and mainly with children.
            I have a feeling that change is going to come about in the next few months until I get use to this new position and see where I stand. I also feel like I'm working harder on the little things in life too like my timing and scheduling of things after that Bible study I took. That is hard then you would think too because I want out my schedule but for this past week nothing turned out right but better. It was my first week of going on a schedule. I feel like God is saying "Even in the very little things, trust me." It could be has simple as not taking a nap when I planned or getting up earlier then I planned. It could be going somewhere else then that other place that I planned. I do feel though that it is helping me make my life more routine for right now.
             Like the leaves change color in the Fall, our lives changing when God is in control. It might be a little thing or a big thing. I've notice too that since I started this job, I just have a better outlook on life for me. Yeah, it might be hard at times but still there are people around me that care. I'll be honest and say that some of those people I never thought I would talk to when I first met them but now they are pretty cool and interesting. God could even be working on changing my thoughts on different people from what I want in a friend to what He wants me to have in a friend.
            God is in both the leaves changing colors and our changing lives. Just like the leaf changing colors it is a slow process and it might take a whole season of our lives. I think that is why I like Fall and Spring the best because they are a season for change whether good or bad. Next time you see a leaf that has changed colors or in the process of changing colors remember that God is working in your life too even if it is in the smallest, littlest way. He is always working in our lives sometimes just bigger then others but our time will come. God never leaves His Children. If you are in the same season as a friend, try to encouraging them by letting them know you are at the same spot too and theta they can talk to you anytime.
             One more thing that just came to my mind that I thought was neat. The leaf I found was changing to the color red. For plants, green means it is alive and of course other colors mean they are dead and dying and will fall off soon. When you see a leaf changing to red just remember that Jesus changed our lives for the good when He bled on the cross for us. We were the green color and Jesus was the red color that covered us so we could be set free. Also, leaves fall to the ground so they almost fly so just think of it has the leaf was free for a little bit but it had a limits which was the ground. Just like our lives in Jesus Christ, our Savior.

My Mission Statement for Life

        Here is the entry. The entry I promised about what I was learning in my Bible Study class on Sunday mornings. Now that it is over. We went over the study called, "The Significant Woman" and it was so much to think about. One thing we did was made a mission statement for our lives to leave by so we would know what to do and what not to do. We learn and took who we are and put it into  a statement that we could go by for some of our life. Mine I think I can do all my life no matter where I am as along as I have a job with children but mine can mean a lot of different ways with children.

        Here is my mission statement: To nurture and embrace the defenseless, by introducing them to their true and trusted Safe Haven.

         I came up with that statement with a little bit of help because of the job I am working now but I've been thinking about it a lot. It could mean I could help out the defenseless in my ways and all the children that a defenseless. Right now, I'm working with abused children that don't have homes and will go into foster care and I love it. In a way, I could have done that in my preschool teaching job too. I'm also thinking of another way that I could do it and this one as been on my heart since I took a class in college. More so now that I see it a lot where I work. You don't know how many children need help until you see them.
         I always had a thing for Autism and sensory processing disabilities or any disabilities a child might have. I'm thinking about spiecal education or some kind of therapy. I would be embracing them when no one else will. I would be nurturing and teaching them how to do things for the first time or even better. I think I always had a thing for special education because I was in it when I was young for two main things. Those two main things were: my speech and my math skills. There might be some anxiety in there every once in awhile. I know what it feels like to have an IEP or to be pulled out of class. I never was pulled out of class expect for speech but I do have spiecal things done for me like less math problems and some tutoring after school.
         Also, I just love the thought of sensory processing. It is so strange how children will act a certain way because they don't know how to control a certain part of their body. I would also love Behavioral therapy because there are so many cool ways you could do it and again just the child's mind and body. To me, it is seeing how God made us special and complex from all the other animals. If we need one thing or the other to be "normal", it is amazing but yet God made us that way for a reason.
          Just some thoughts on where my life might be going in the next few years and what I am learning about myself. Another reason I love all the above reasons. You learn about the child and yourself at the same time. They can teach you things that you never thought possible.
         

Control Freak

          My title might not be a very good one because it is telling a truth about me. I am a control freak. It has always been in my blood but it seems like lately it is just getting bigger and it is worrying me because I never wanted to be one. I need to learn how to control at work and in my personal life. Being a control freak as two different meanings in those two situations. One situation you can be if needed but the other one you can't be or not how I am being at least.
           This idea dawned on my last night while at a Bible study about Boundaries. I read the book "Boundaries" and we went over it but it hit me differently because I am in a different situation as I was back then and things have gotten better. I'm kind of a new person now too. I handle things a little bit differently but still seems like I worry some and want to have control over a lot of things. First, I will tell you about my job.
            I moved to morning shift which I thought would be easier and a lot more fun because I actually get to do things with the children but it is so so. I feel like I have the control over the activities by myself plus other things. I just feel like I have to be in control of the children and keep them busy with different things to do because they can't just stay busy with one thing all shift. They need change every so often. I feel like I have to be in charge of making lesson plans and really there is no lesson plans but I think there need to be because the more we can get through these children now the better. If I don't have control of the day, I feel like I need to take to back or want to. I just feel a lot of times that things are not going my way but yet they are going great so I'm not complaining. I just want it more organized and control in some way for the children's sake because I honestly believe that they would do a lot better if we had a real routine and followed it but more then doing just two things.
           Next, I will tell you about my personal life. This is where I was last night while realizing that I am a control freak. To any guy friends that read this, if any, you all have helped me grow so much these past years. It was my way of thinking and I'm even now trying to change and I see that change through my friends not just my guy friends but those are the ones I'm going to talk about. It all started in high school when I wanted to control the kind of girls that my crush was going out with but I never did anything about it because I didn't want him to know I was kind of jealous at the time. I would get mad at him instead and not talk to him until he broke up with the girl he was going out with. That is the short version of it.
            Then a guy friend in college wanted to start his own show and at first I didn't know how I felt about it because at first he was going to move away from where I was planning to go and then he didn't. He graduated a year before me and I was keeping an eye on what he was doing with the show. Deep down I will admit, I didn't want him to make it big as first but yet I made myself support him and if he was going to make it big, I would be the one he would thank because I had it under control with helping him when he needed. Needless to say, that was back in college and now he has proven to me that he doesn't need my help at all. He is a big CEO and he got that way by himself and God, not me.
           Then, like a year ago, I was trying to control this friendship with a guy friend and it had some hard months. I had to take time and think about things. What I mean by trying to control it was that I would ask him to hang out instead of vice via. I would go up and talk to him when he didn't want to talk or was busy. There were some things that I said that I shouldn't have said. We also have to look back at that time because it was when I didn't have a job so I felt like I lost everything and was in control of nothing so I needed to find something. Now I feel bad that I did that and hopefully I understand what He feels because He told me and I know where he stands now and I hope that I'm respecting that for him.
            Then, something else that I am going through right now with a guy friend. This is a guy friend that I met at work and things happened that and I got started talking to him after he changed jobs. He is a great guy that loves children as his 2nd passion and he has something else that is his 1st passion but I did find myself trying to control that again but I'm backing off before it is too late. He wants to travel and do his 1st passion next year if possible which is great. At the very start of talking with him, I look back now and think was I trying to change his passion (aka have control over it) by making him see how great he is with children and non-profit companies.
             All these things to say that I have been trying to control other people's lives when I need to control mine in a certain way and just let God be with my friends. I don't need to be the one in control or the fixer upper. God is! I do believe that my trigger is either worry too much or caring too much about my friends whether girls or guys. Why worry when I don't know anything compared to God? Why can't I just control my own life if anyone's life? I need to learn to back off with friends and of myself because the rate I am going I will never get married because no guy likes to be under a control freak for a wife. Sometimes I wonder if that is why I'm too hard on myself at times because I am not in control like I think I should be. I'm letting everyone around me down or that is what I'm thinking at least.

Are you God's Intake?

        I will admit I paid no attention in church last night because I was writing something else that God put on my heart just at that moment and it took all of the sermon to write it out. It was another way that I could combine my job and living it out for God. It was also how God sees us at first and then we change into what He wants us to be.
          We are all intakes. Let me tell you what an intake is at my job. We call a new child an intake when they come in. I like that word because it is like we are taking them in to care for them. Instead of saying we have a new child coming in, we say we have a new intake coming. Kind of shortens the meaning in a way. I say we are all intakes because we walk to God like the child walks to me when he first gets to my job. The child could either be happy, shy, or crying their eyes out but who can blame them. We get ready for that one child. Get everything prepared for him or her and hope that they like it. We get excited and can't wait the child to come.
           I don't know if it is just me but I think every child is cute when they first come in. Perfect in every way. It's that moment when they walk through the door and we say, "awwww......". They come in dirty, sleepy, upset, and hungry yet we still love on them. They come in needing our help. We feed them first and then give them a bath to clean them up. We give them new clothes and other things while we wash their old ones. Does that sound like someone does that to us? We go to God all dirty and full of sins yet He washes us white as snow. He feeds us with strength and wisdom and energy. He makes us happy when we are sleepy. Even though we go to God all dirty, He still loves us just the same. His love can never change.
           We turn the child in a more beautiful being then ever before. We take them in and get to know them better and help them grow. We teach them in the way they should go and pray that they keep going in that way even after they leave. We take them under our wings. Doesn't God do that to us too? Doesn't He take us in and help us grow more in Him? Doesn't He shows us the way in which we should go? Sometimes we just look at God and say to Him, "I got them on my own" but yet He is waiting for us when we will admit that yes, we do need help to get through this. We need God to clean us and lead us on the right path.
             We think what they are like from the things we see or have heard. Sometimes though they are much cuter then we thought. That cuteness does wear off in about a week to 2 weeks though and they start to show their true selves but yet that first picture comes to mind and we still love them. We want to love them no matter what. We try everything we know to help them to learn how to cope and deal with hard situations in life.
             Cuteness in the Christian life is like that a lot.  When we give our lives over to Christ we are so pumped to learn and explore the new things about it but as we live in it and as hard situations come our way we turn away from it and try to do things our own way. We pray everyday and start to read the Bible but then we get too busy and that starts to fade away. It is until we are in a spot that we know we can't handle by ourselves that we turn back to God and ask for help. Then it is God that says, "Yes, cutie I am here to help you."
               The child's personalities start to show and you learn more about their past as they stay longer and more then anything they are just more beautiful then you could ever think they could be because they have been through so much in their lives already. You get to know everything about them and love them more. Just like God knows everything about us but still loves us with an everlasting, forever Love. He will always be there for us like we should be there for the children that are close to His Heart too.

Acting like a Mom/Teacher

          Yesterday "at" work was a blast for me! One of my children had a Fall Festival at their school and I got to go hang out with them and enjoy them one on one. It was at a place where I wanted to go see for some time now. I spent two hours with them doing all kinds of simple activities. I got to see the child's room.
            First I'm going to talk about the school itself. It was amazing! I felt like a teacher helping out again. I went in my child's classroom to get his stuff from there and it felt like home to me. They had classroom pets and circle time spot and other things. I thought why can't we do something like this. It isn't that hard to do it just in the morning. Most families should do it at home anyways. It really made me miss the classroom setting. My teacher side really came out during the festival. There were so many different kinds of children there too. That is another way I felt at home. There were Indian children, Hispanic children, and so on. I even heard another mom say that one of the children was her foster child and that she is going to adopt her. I was in my place. The other teachers did exactly what I would have done or I have heard in the past of doing. I wanted to stay there all day!
             Second, I'm going to talk about my child I was with. It was so cute when I arrived because he smiled big and laughed when he saw me. He was playing outside on a spinning thing and I got to spin him around a few times. After a little while, we went in for the crafts and he did some of them but I really had to make him focus and help him with them. It was also so cute because every time we would leave a station to go to another station he would asked me, "Are you coming?" just to make sure I would not leave him. Most of the time he would not let go of my hand and I tried to go to the back of the line when walking to another station so he would listen to his teacher but he would either stop and wait or come find me. It was cute most of the time because he would just stop and look for me to make sure I was still there.
               I also got to have lunch with him. It was funny but kind of sad at the same time. We had pumpkin pie with our lunch and that is the first thing he ate. It was gone before we even sat down at the table. He shoved it in his mouth. All around, it was just a enjoyable moment that I knew I made a difference in that child's life because I showed up to play and be with him. The teacher side of me wanted to do it because I knew what it was like to have a parent there for me at the time at school. When I was little, it meant a lot and I would want to do the same for children when I can.  It is important for a parent or even a teacher in my case to be there for the child when you can to show them that they matter enough for you to see what they are doing in school or daycare. Just another place besides home.
               Even though, the place had volunteers to be with the children, I would have hate not being there for my child so he could have one on one with someone all the time during the festival.  I will admit I will be that mom that goes to every school party until my children are too old for it. I will not me the parent that will really embarrass them though with customs on or coming to hug them when they are in jr. high. It will probably stop in elementary school before middle school unless they ask me to come. I made a difference this time and I could tell because he was all smiles by the end of the festival and during it too. That is what my job is really about.

Fighting for Lives

          It is strange how something can be so alike but yet so different. I feel like I have been fighting for a child ever since she got to my job and she left today without what I feel like nothing getting resolved. I have been thinking a lot lately about adoption and how we are the adopted children of God in a sense too. When I think about it that way and see the children I do it breaks my heart. I tell it a lot from the "children's" point of view whether be Christ's people or the children I work with. I'm going to take a different turn and take about the workers (aka Christ).
           As I was trying to fight for this little girl, I got to thinking that I'm becoming more like Christ because one I am more outgoing and outspoken. Two I really care about these children and want what is best for them. I feel like we have messed up this little girl and did her no good at all because we kept changing her spots and there was no set routine with her either. She could go to different people and get different responses all the time and she knew that too.
           Aren't we like the little girl towards God? When we don't like something He says or it doesn't turn out our way, we turn and look at another person or thing or hope. We are hoping to get a different answer whether good or bad. We search everything until we can search no more and we always end up running back to God for the safety because we got ourselves in trouble. We would fight and scream and hit and say "no" but yet God still would love us and try again on us. We were try to play God and make deals with Him that wouldn't work. Just like this little girl needs to spend time with one person, we need to spend time with God alone so we can enjoy and listen to Him.
            What really got me lately was as I was fighting for her, I thought about Christ fighting for me on the cross. Adoption is a story of redemption and the church should be involved. I have felt so sleepy after work everyday for the past two weeks trying to fight for her and my emotions run high because I wish I could do something for her. Don't you think that is how Christ felt on the cross? The Bible even says that He was sleepy and gave up in the end because He knew it was God's plan for Him and He loved us so very much. He took the beatings and the strength and the laughter and didn't care what anyone else thought. I have took some beatings lately and the funny thing is even the spit like Christ took. Eventually, people brought Christ down but for believers in Him that was just the start of something new.
            Christ fought for us all of his life. He got made fun of and no one believed what He had to say. I feel like I'm less and no one believes me even though I have been in this career field for years. I am starting to try to speak truth when needed and sometimes it goes one one ear and out the other but I am not giving up on these children. When some people see what I do though, they call me special because they know they couldn't do it. Didn't people call Christ that too? It is all how you look at it and for me I'm working for Christ and with Christ.
           Orphans are the most important thing on His heart because if it wasn't none of us would be here right now.

Acorns are for Deer, Silly!

           I'm going to tell you a little, short bit about my day. One is because I want to remember it and two is I thought it was cute. To let you know from the start, I was worked some extra hours tonight at work. During my morning shift, all we did was play outside on the playground. It was nice outside but it did get a little boring the closer it got to lunch time.
          After nap time, it was a blast though and some cute moments happened after it. First, we had a birthday party for one of the preschool girls. It felt so good to see her smile after she opened each present. She got 2 princess dresses (dress up), a mermaid bath toy, and another little princess toy plus a teddy bear from me because I happened to bring some stuffed animals that I had left over today to donate to the children so I picked one out and put it in her cubie. She wanted to open every one of her presents right away. She even tried on one of the princess dresses.
          After the party, we all went outside and took a walk in the woods. That was fun! I had the babies with me in the back of the line plus a little, slow preschooler but yet we were all slow. Why were we slow you might ask? We were picking up acorns and putting them in our pockets. When I say we, I do mean me too but I was just picking up the tops for the children to paint with. It was so cute because two 1 year olds and a 3 year old were trying to pick them up. They got some acorns but not as many as they would have liked. It was cute to me because it brought back the memory of me picking up acorns in the woods while I was walking with my babysitters. It was a really, special moment for me that I felt like I passed on to some of the children. One of the 1 year olds laughed and smiled after she picked each acorn up off the ground. They were also picking walnuts off the ground but I would tell them to put them back down.
          After the walk in the woods and the gathering of the acorns, we went for a walk to a hill. When we got to the hill, the children rolled down it. Some of them also run down it if they were too scared to roll or didn't know how to roll. The other staff and I just sat on the grass for a few mins. watching all of them roll down the hill while enjoying the cool, Fall weather. It was a day to remember! I love days like those. Days where you can pass on what you did as a child in the simplest of ways without even knowing sometimes. I just started to pick up acorns (full acorns) and one of the little toddlers followed along with me and started to do the same and then two more children started it.
           It is moments like these that I work where I do. We can live in more of a home environment out in the country then a preschool/daycare setting in town. We petted horses and gathered acorns, what more farm like things can we do before this winter. I started them both! Is that a surprise? Not really if you really know me. :)

Thinking about the Future

        I know that God tells us not to worry about what is ahead but just to live for today in the Bible and you hear people says, "Don't worry" and "It will be fine." I'm a nice person when it comes to most things but lately I have just been wanted to say to those people you have no idea what I am going through. That would be wrong though. They do have a little idea of what I am going through whether they are going through it now or have been through it a long time ago. They do know.
         As I am thinking about the future, though, things I should be doing now have came up and I have started doing them a lot more. Not as often as I should but more then I was on some things. I am writing a prayer list for my friends, known and unknown, and praying for each of them at least once a week. Whoever is on my prayer list I make sure to ask how they are doing or encourage them once a week or if I know something important to them is coming up. I have also started to run but I've only ran once so I need to keep working on that.
            I'm really thinking about the future, money and career wise. I think that is my biggest concern of all. I'm thinking about going back to college so I can get a Master's degree in something that is actually worth something and has a lot of openings in the job market. I am also saving more money then I was in the past. I'm actually setting a schedule of when to save per month. I'm thinking about what I will need money for like a house payment, car payment, TV, and other big things or things I don't have right now. I also want to have a family some day if God is willing so I need to start now and maybe a cat or dog to keep me company until then.
             I feel like I am ready to take that big step but I need a better job first and with the degree I have now I don't think I can get one and by better I mean well payed job. I keep thinking to myself all those things don't really matter in life but whether we like to admit it or not they really do in the life we live. That future has been on my mind for the past month for some reason and even though I love what I do, I can fine better. I am also finding out that I love that one on one with a child helping them through things whether be emotional, physical, or mental things. I barely have enough patience for 8 children at a time some days but I would have the patience for one child at a time like in a clinical setting.
            As I am thinking about the future myself, I know a lot of my friends are doing the same so that is one reason I am making the prayer list for now plus it get things off of my mind at times when they get to over baring. I am okay with admitting I don't know what I'm doing yet and I'm not all the way happy with where I am because I have people around me that feel the same way too. We can encourage each other too. I know that God has me here for a reason now and it will help me in the future especially if I take the path that I am thinking about right now.  I am happy where I am right now but I'm still praying that God will open doors for me to go to college and get my Master's and have the life that I am dreaming about right now.
           I will say this that what I am thinking right now. All of this that I'm writing was never in my plans to start with. God has been changing my path and my heart for the better and for/towards Him. He wants to use me and I am willing in whatever way He will.

Firm and Visual Learner

        I have a child that that I'm learning about and two things I have learned so far is that she is a visual learner and you have to be firm with her because she hasn't had that in her lifetime. She also seems to need a routine but it has to be an ongoing things through everyone. It is fun learning about different children that way. Might be hard at times but it is worth it in the end.
        With this girl, I did one thing and with that one thing I have noticed something. Here is what I did and noticed. She was eating lunch really slow one day because she didn't want to take a nap. We have these bubble timers and I set one in front of her while she was eating. I told her that she had 4 mins to finish eating because that is how long the timer was and she had it all fast. I told her if she didn't eat it all but the end of the time, I would throw it away. I did this after a hour of letting her try to eat on her own with a lot of encouragement and reminders.
        I also have noticed with this girl that you have to talk to her softly and calmly before she gets really, really mad. She has a hard time telling people what is wrong so it seems like her fits get worse when we keep asking and pushing her to tell us. She is really smart for her age and love preschool activities. It is hard because we don't have those types of activities to do through out the day. She just gets bored easily.
        I also think that this girl is a hands on learner along with the visual part. She can't sit for long periods of time. She loves arts and crafts. I'm saying all of this and it might sound like it I'm giving her excuses for the way she acts but I'm not. I also understand that she can be stubborn and wanting to do things her own way but we have to look at it in a different way. That's what she has been doing all her life so far so that is what she is use to.
        I just feel really bad every time she cries because it is not just a plain cry. It is a screaming "I'm scared" cry while talking and yelling at staff to get off of her or let her go when we are trying to keep her from hitting or kicking us. As a group, we did not get started on the right foot with her from the start. She was spending after the day with preschool and the other half with big girls and she likes the big girls better now that she saw what they do and what they're life is like. If she never went over, she have never known and she would have been fine with preschool. This whole thing has taught me that it is important to listen to other people because they might know what they are talking about especially when they speak up about children that they have been with all day.
       She would be another one that I can say that pushed me to get a behavioral therapy degree or something close along those lines.

The Road Less Traveled

         Do you ever get that job that you love but yet you feel like it is holding you back from more? Do you ever what to be able to do more? Have you ever just felt stuck and scared because you have no idea how things are going to work out in the future? Here is a job that you love and could live with. Best job in your life yet and meaningful but yet you feel like there is something more inside of you that you could share if you keep going? That is how I feel at this moment in my life. I feel like I'm at a fork in my life's path. Don't know which way to go and scared if I go either way. God wants us to depend on Him so at a point in life He will bring us there to that fork in the road.
         My two roads are going back to college or working where I am and just hoping and praying to be that stay at home mom that I always wanted to be. I'm think about going back to college to get my Master's in either special ed. or something to do with children's behavior like human behavior or psychology or mental health even but I'm scared of what those degrees call for. I might have to take undergrad classes for some before I go for my Master's. Then there is always the money problem. It might take longer then I can take. I might have to change what I'm doing right now just to have the time and emotions to focus on the classes.
        Then the second road is hanging more times with friends and job and just focus on friends mainly guy friends so I can be that stay at home mom but that seems to strange for me. I want to use my time wisely and that doesn't seem very wise. All my family has been to grad college or wants to go back but in the same problem as me. It runs in my blood that I need that extra education and I love learning. I also made the dumb mistake of not getting a minor with my undergrad so that is why I feel like I can't do anything. I do have some education classes so that is why I'm thinking more towards the special education master's with a Applied Behavioral certification.
         I'm just scared and probably don't have enough trust in God that He can provide the money and job that I can settle with and start a family with after my Master's degree. It would for sure keep me busy and my mind on something else for a few years. :) There is also so many things I want to learn and so many ways to get a certain degree. The colleges' websites don't know you the jobs or what you can do with that degree afterwards. You have to guess off of what you know and have researched yourself. It just seems like so much work for right now and that is why I think I need to change some things in my life but again that is scary. Trust in God is all I need though. Why is it so hard to have that? It is so simple to say but yet so hard to see or get.
         God is showing me things that I love to do at this job now. I have this little girl that loves to be taught and I take a few mins. out of my way to let her do things like write her letters and make a craft. I love that one on one with a child especially when they really need it. I love hearing their stories as awful as they might be. Like today, I felt happy when I was teaching her to write her letters but yet all this week I have been worrying about her because her fits are just getting worse and worse like unsafe worse. She really needs help but I'm not trained to do that and there are other people to really get to the bottom of their actions. All I can do is hug and hold them which is great but I want to do more. Maybe that is just my personality and heart but it is true. If that is my personality and heart, then I need to be doing something that can fill that hole even more.  Right now, I'm just praying which road I should take and trying to trust God that He will make it happen in His Timing.

Dream of Adoption

          As a little girl came back into my arm along with still have a newborn at work, the dream of adoption is getting bigger in my mind every day. As friends around me adopt their first little child, I think how neat would it be to adopt one of my children that I am with everyday now. Adoption will always be a dream in the back of my head, married or not, I will adopt one some day. I have a friend that is adopting a newborn baby girl here in the states from the states. I also have another person I know adopting a toddler from India.
          I know that the friend that is adopting from the states, that has been her dream ever since I've known her in college. I have followed her story from the start if not from the very start close to it. It is amazing to see an answer to prayer come true. It was in God's timing too. It was so close to times up for them or at least for when the state said they could find one for them but God got there just in time. It is sad to know that it is another new born girl in the states that can't be with her real mom especially when I have one at work that is just so cute and knowing some of her story.  I look at the newborn at work and think hopefully there is someone out there that will really want you before you get too old like my friend did.
             Then I have barely kept up with another girl from college that is adopting from India. I'm mainly keeping up with her fundraising and the store that she is making because of it. It is a jewelry store with mainly verses on brass chains and they look old but in style. They are very cute but a lot of money for me right now. They also sell fast so I can never get on in time to order one. It is like one of a kind now and later it is gone.
            It is strange because every women I know how keep in touch with just a little bit loves to go on overseas missions and/or wants to adopt one day. Whether in states or international, it just gives me hope working at where I do for now that there are people out there, very few, but they are people out there that want to make the child their own. It just takes longer then 45 days to find that one person or couple. It gives me much hope though for the children I have let out into the world. It is also giving me more and more encouragement to do it myself after seeing all these women do it. It is possible and there is hope for both parties.
           It also lets me see the things I might have to go through if I ever can adopt a child. I know people to talk to and it will be a lot of work but worth it. I think I would foster to adopt but not quite sure yet and won't be until I get to that part of my life where I am able to do it. I don't want to give them up because I can't handle them either because that is just plain sad too. I want them to go to another foster home not a shelter if something needs to be done. It is also strange too because I like randomly making things and I'm aw crafty person if I set my mind to it so I could do some fundraising too if need be. I honestly think that would be fun.
            I think that being able to adopt is going to be one of my biggest, main prayers for life off and on while praying for the children around me because it is really getting bad for the children and it is sad. Children are the closest people to God's heart and if we can't take care of them then you know something is wrong with our world. When people don't care about children, there is something wrong with our world and we are far from God as a world. Now I will get off my soapbox for now.

A Whole New World

          I usually don't write this early in the morning because I know no one looks at this this early but something has been on my mind since Saturday night. See I started to work with the Toddlers for every other Saturday with this past Saturday being my 1st at church. Like I don't have enough time with children during the week already, some of you might be thinking. I writing this entry to tell you that it might be children but it is two different, new worlds. It really is and in a way that is sad.
          Working with "normal" children during church is okay and much easier. They have parents who care and they can play, talk, and color by themselves. They seem much more happier too. It was honestly like a break for me because I didn't have to do anything for them. I think I would have a hard time going back to that all the time though. I'm so use to the world of helping hurting children. I also know now that they are so many children out there that need help. I can't go back. In a way, I think God is leading me down the hurting children road because that is the closest road to His heart.
            It is fun to see the differences every now and then just to remember the goals that I have for the other children and when I remember those goals and see them get there it brings me great joy. It was a whole new world for me though because since I started my night shift I have not had the energy to help other children but I'm hoping to get back into it if not for a long time at least for a little time. Just to refresh my memory. It is also fun to compare the differences and learn a lot from the two different groups. Yes, children are suppose to be a certain levels of learning at a certain age but without the care that they need they won't be. It is neat to see that sometime as simple as love or talking to them or feeding them can make a world's of difference in no time at all.
            Sometimes it makes you think it is so simple why can't their parents do it. What we need to remember is that we all live in a world of sin. The earth is not perfect but Heaven is and we are just on the road to there but yet we are doing God's work on our way there. It also helps me to see that education is another thing on my heart and if I can help children through education then I am set for life so I'm working on finding a way to do that. I'm kind of trying to get a preschool started where I am at now but it is harder work then I thought but I'm going to keep pushing though.
            This difference also teaches me that not everyone is the same so we need to take the time to get to know people whether adults or children. We all have stories to share. I know I really need to work on that too. In a way, it is easier said then done in today's busy world. That's why I like the world I am in during the week because I get to know and care for the children all week.

The Significant Women-Part 1

          I have meant to write this entry for a couple of weeks now but things came up and other ideas came up that I didn't want to forget so I wrote them down instead. I started a Bible Study back a couple of weeks ago that a friend of my shared with me about a year ago but I was so busy until now I thought I couldn't do it but it was God's prefect timing because I need it now. The Bible study is called "The Significant Women".
          I thought "oh, yeah I'll take it because I have the time and there is no other Bible study that I like this semester or that I seem to need to be taking" so I did and God is working so much through it with me. It is like I know what I know about myself but now I am writing it down and it is there to see and stay. It is finding your own personal mission statement and the little goal statements that you can take to make it happen. It reminds you that you are God's jewel and that you are unique. There are 6 lessons in it and it is cute the way the author puts the lessons.
          She spells out the word" Pearls" with each lessons. "P" is for Pursue your Uniqueness". 'E' is for Embrace the Source. 'A' is for Active your mission. 'R' is for Refocus your life. 'L' is for Live Intentionally. Last but not least, 'S' is for Sustain for life. I have already missed one of the lessons and that was last Sunday but still did the homework and just the homework itself makes you think a lot. I am getting more from the homework then I am the teaching that I'm going to on Sunday mornings.
           It is just good to have it in written form where you can't not take it back and it is a good reminder to check your small goals every 3-6 months to see where you are in those. See if you need to change them or not. I'm trying to save my mission statement and all that I'm learning for another entry after the study is over but I just wanted to let people know more of what I have been doing and that I am trying to refocus my life a lot. It has been out of order with my job position and worrying about my job. I have just been job focused lately and that is really bad on so many levels.
           Don't get me wrong I LOVE my job but there are only so many things we can do as humans. There is a limit believe it or not and when we are focused on God we can do more. Changing positions is not as easy as I thought it would be for so many reasons personally but again I love it and would never go back to the position I had. Where I am now is the right spot for me so I want to build my life around that spot again and get back in touch with friends and activities that I use to do before I started this job because I can. I want to be more adventurous and help out more places and people but yet have time for myself, friends, and family.
           I'll let you in on the plan I am making for myself through this class in the next few weeks so keep looking for an update to this one.

A Girl and Her Backpack

         It's been awhile since I have written a story about one of my children at work. It has just been really busy for me while switching position and getting use to everything that is new for me. Children have been going in and out non-stop too lately so I've been staying pretty busy but this week especially today I had a God-moment that I want to write about. It happened to one of my 5 year old girls while I was on the education wing looking at things for every kid.
         Let me tell you what is going on with this girl in the shortest way possible. She just turned 5 years old not to long ago but was put on the preschool wing because there was no room on the girls' wing for her. Recently, we had to move her over just for nights on the girls' wing so we could take another child in for all day. She comes back to play with the preschoolers while the big girls are at school during the day. We are starting to call it her school to help her with the transition. She does not like coming back over because she wants to be with the big girls because that is where she thinks she belongs but she can't stay on the wing with her things by herself of course.
        While I was on the educational wing, looking at what they had I could use for the preschool wing, God put this idea in my head that maybe I can get her a backpack of her own and she can act like she is carrying it back and forth to school like the big girls. I put her name on it and she is the only "preschooler" that has one. I also got her a pad of paper to keep in it and a "Frozen" folder to put her art work in when she gets done with it to carry it around.
         It was the most, cutest thing when I gave it to her. She was so excited and there was a big smile on her face. She looked and looked through it. She wanted to know what was in it at first. I told her what she could do with the things in it. She would not put it down for the life of her after she got it. She would hang it on the doorknob of the office. It was the cutest thing ever! Most of all, though, the cutest thing was her big smile and a "thank you" I got when I gave the backpack to her. Now she can be a stubborn one that wants things done her way and only her way or she throws a fit. She will cry if no one is paying attention to her so this was a big thing for her. No one even prompt her to say "thank you". She just did it on her own.
        I hope she will be able to use it as a real backpack and school supplies. She was just really happy and hyper after I gave it to her. She also showed it off to her other friends because she was so proud of it. It just gave me that warm, way to go feeling inside. It was an idea that God put in my mind just at a moment's notice. Even working at my job for almost 2 years now, I still don't get how God puts those random ideas for the children in my mind but I'm glad He does. It seems to be for the hardest children too, which has always been strange to me. It just goes to show you what God's Love is really like to the children and to us. It is a prefect, small example.

Community and Prayers

        "Community and prayers are the most important, physical thing on earth. God made us as a relational and caring people."

         You can tell I'm a College of the Ozarks graduate by needing community. If there is one thing I learned in college at all for life, it is that I need community in my life. I just recently had a repeat of what my "community" was like when I moved to AR. It was nothing. I had to look for all new friends, new place to go to church, and I hung out either by myself or with family. I learned that it is not only when you move but you have to make time for those things with your job too. You have to balance everything out.
           Now that I look back on my night shifts at work to back to days. I see a big different in life and I love it now. I also see who I am and what I really need. First off, I am really a morning person. I would rather work in the morning then at night. I hate changes of routine. I really need that tight community of friends and at church. It really is your friends that encourage you after a hard day's work. You can share your day with them and just blow up at them in a good way.  Taking your mind off of work and on just having fun helps big time. It is a relaxation tool too in a way where you don't have to worry about a thing.
           I have also learned that prayer makes you feel good especially if that is your way of encouraging people. I will tell people that I'm praying for them and then after I do so much is off my shoulders it feels like. I feel like I kind of a say, when I know I don't, but it just gives me that feeling that I did all I could do and it is something that could work if it is God's Will. I have been praying for friends a lot more lately since I got this new position at work too.
            I also think that praying for friends and other people is another way to get work off my mind at times. I mean it is good to have the children on my mind but not all the time like I have been. There are other people out there that needs the prayers just as much as these children and other children too like children of friends. It is strange how two simple things can mean the world to you and how relaxing they can be. It is those two things that I feel like I need to focus on now in this season of my life. I got the job and position that I love. Now it is time to move on to something else and work that out.
             I have another two or three things that I want to work on but I need to get my community back together where I can get the encouragement that I need to do those things. It is really sad and lonely without anyone to share things with. It really does get you down in the dumps and depressed. Strange how something little like a job position can change your whole life if you are not use to it. God made us, as a relational people, and we need to be that if we are going to be "made" in His image.