God, I Want to Be One With You

          My name means.........."Appearance of God". I started thinking about my name on Thursday while I was at an "Anxiety" conference. It has been awhile since I thought about it.

          I saw a verse on a friend's Facebook page on Aug 28th, 2015. It was: 1 John 3:24. My friend put it in their own words, "My life is not my own, it's intertwined with Christ." I looked up the verse and verses before it today and it was about loving people like Christ has loved them. It was also about being one with Christ. I was also telling myself while I was falling asleep and just saying "I'm intertwined with Christ" and it helped me relax and fall asleep.

         Then, tonight at church, the sermon was about "Living as One" with Christ and the church. The verses that the pastor used was from John 17. They talked about how we are to live as One in His Name, By His Word, To this World, and to give God the glory.

        I drove home from church thinking," Ok. God what are you telling to tell me. You have told me to be with You 3 days in a row. You have kept me up late last night and I have a feeling You will keep me up late again tonight. God, I have all these ways that I could be the appearance of and One with You. My question is: "Which one?" "Do I use my anxiety and disorder for Your Glory?" "Do I start an in home Christian Daycare?", "Do I go into OT and help children like me for Your Glory?" "Do I help a friend with their ministry for Your Glory?" "Do I speak up about my anxiety and disorder and how I got through it for Your Glory?"
        Then when I got home, I was still thinking about it. I have all of these things that I could be doing but what is it that God wants me to do. How am I One with Him in everything that I do? Just to let you all know I haven't talked to God in about 2 days because I have been getting home so late. I still, however, been reading His Word every morning. I decided to have a quite time with Him and talk to Him before I went to bed.
        I went to hang out with some friends until 11:00 pm and then after that I just felt like I needed to go on a country road and just talk with God so I did that. I asked Him all the questions and told Him that I have no idea where I started to get wrapped up in myself when I was working my job. It all happened so fast and now I feel like it is just a little spot in my life. Yes, I have some children I will remember forever and that I know that I helped but it went by so fast and so short. During that time, I also forgot how to take care of myself. Now is so different from when I had the job.
         It is amazing how a little self care can change you completely around. How being stressed and worried can take the encouragement and happiness out of you that you use to have and turn it into meanness and stubbornness. I can't put my finger on it yet but I did not feel like I was one with God at a job that I should have, at least I thought, felt like I should been. I think God is reteaching me how to be One with Him because I got off the path. I did get worried and mad and upset. I did try to control everything when I had no place of controlling it.
          The two and a half years seem to be just a glimpse now. It is hard to explain but as I look back on it, I wonder who that girl was that was working there and why did she get that way. She wasn't who she started out to be and I miss that girl. That girl that could encourage and listen. That girl who loved on children no matter what. That girl that loved to create and teach. To us, it is strange how God knows when it is time to change things and get us back on track for Him and even for ourselves sometimes. I have spent a lot of time lately by hanging out with friends and just in His Word and encouraging people and friends and that just gives me a smile when I do that. I actually missed it while working.
           It is strange how God works because before I went to my friends' to hang out, I stopped by a McDonald's to get a Fappe that I had been wanting to try. The cashier was a new employe and a young one at that, maybe a high schooler. You could tell that he was really stressed and one of the customers were helping him out because they were so busy and no one else was there to help him.  Well, of course, I know what it is like being out of a job but yet at the same time being so busy at the job, so I felt like God was telling me to give that boy a dollar tip. I went back in and gave him a dollar and told him "thank you".
           I felt like when I was working I couldn't see people like that. All I could see or wanted to see was me and I hated that. I will even admit there are time I would complain to my friends when they really needed my help instead but I couldn't see that because I wasn't aligned with God. I wasn't being One with Him. After that, I wrote a friend back to tell the friend that helping them out was my pleasure and I just wanted to spread the Kingdom of God by something I did earlier this month. I don't know who that girl was in my spot at my job but it wasn't me. That's for sure and I didn't like her.
         The questions now are: How can I Live as One now with God? How can I be intertwined with Him? I'm letting God answer those. I'm not even going to "try" to get a job I want or to understand a job I want. I am going to let God lead my where He wants me. Wherever that may be. God, I want to be One with You.

Disclaimer: It might sound like I am bragging to some people but I'm not. I'm trying to show that when you let God control your path and trust in Him by listening to Him, He can do some amazing things for you.
          For me, lately, I have learned that God speaks to me by a tugging at my heart. My heart actually feels like it is getting pulled on. I feel that when I need to pray for someone, help someone, or just get together with someone especially when I know they are going through hard times. How does God speak to you? 

When We Practice Real Love

"18-20 My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

21-24 And friends, once that’s taken care of and we’re no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we’re bold and free before God! We’re able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we’re doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God’s command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us."-1 John 3:18-24 (MSG) 

"My life is not my own, it's intertwined with Christ."-A quote, about verse 24, by a friend in their own words.

        These verses at the quote by a friend are my life verses and theme right now. I really need to get in a study about 1 John. Just to let everyone know the title of this entry is the title of the chapter in the Bible if you use "The Message" version. Every time I go back to that book, it is to see if I'm loving enough and I feel like I could always do more. What I got from these verses and especially the ones that I highlighted is how to love myself and let God love me for me. I've been down on myself a lot lately so these verses were a really encouragement to me. I saw that God does care about us and that if we love other people then the worry and anxiety we have will go away. We just have to believe it will. 

          Now don't get me wrong. I still believe there is such a thing as anxiety disorder and I still believe I have it in a lot of ways but we need to found out a way to where I have less of it and these verses might help me. It did when I was going to bed last night. I was repeating the last part of my friend's quote, "my life is intertwined with Christ" and next thing I know I woke up in the morning ready to go. I want to love Christ and myself and see how Christ loves me so I can pass that love on to other people. When our lives are intertwined with the Love of Christ then we can love people. People can see Christ in us. 

          We are not living for ourselves or by ourselves so why do we worry all the time? When we worry we miss what God has planned for us. We don't do what He wants us to do because we are so focus on ourselves and not other people. We have to get this certain thing done before we can go onto the next thing God has planned for us. Wrong! We worry instead of taking the time to talk to and love on other people. 

          I really love the verse that I highlighted that says, "For God, knows our worried hearts  better then we do and He knows us better then we know ourselves." How encouraging is that! In time of disappointment, we still have someone and can trust someone that knows us better and has a better plan for us then we could have ever thought of. We don't have to worry about anything. We just have to love! 

          Once we understand that God as everything under His control then we are bold and free to live for Him. We are free to love other people! We know that He loves us no matter what we are like or look like so we don't have to be worried what other people think. We have God on our side and if they don't like that then at least we can say we tried and did our part. Because we are bold and free in Him, that means we are living in and with Him. We are intertwined with Him. We are not worrying about what this world as for us but what we have for the world, which is way more important then anything this world can offer. 

          God is Love! If we don't have God in our hearts, then we don't have anything. We don't have a life. It might sound harsh but it is true. How can you truly live but not love on people. I'm going to make a statement that I usually don't make because I hate conflict but I feel like I need to make. Love is what is missing in this world and not just any love but God's Love. 

Challenge for You: "Go be bold and free. Don't worry about a thing. Show people who God made you to be through your weaknesses and all. Go be Love and you will be loved back."

Addicted to Anxiety

        I went to a conference last night, at a church in Bentonville, called "Addicted to Anxiety". The conference was put on by "Tangible Truth Ministries" at the First Baptist Church in Bentonville. It was just full of information for me and every other women there. I probably had 6 pages of things that I wrote down from that 2 hour conference. There were 5 different speakers. Two of them were live and then the other 3 were live from videos but it was still great. I will write about some of the things that I wrote down and thought was important but that still won't be enough to explain how it touched my life. I might have to do some Bible verses entries from the verses I got during the conference.
        The first speaker that talked was Angie Cross and she was live from a video but she still had an important message and I got a lot from her. To her, anxiety is those nagging thoughts that you can't get rid of and fear is those thoughts you think but yet you can get ride of. Sometimes anxiety and fear can go and does go together but this is how she tells them apart. She has a problem with social anxiety, which I can relate to big time. For her, though, the way I understood it, she didn't see it until her later years or she developed it in her later years. Either way, it still means a lot to me. I loved the advice that she gave and that advice was, "Wherever you go, assume that you are welcome." She said that whoever she would go into a big group, she felt like she wasn't welcome so she would start to get anxious so she just started to think that thought and that helped her.
         Another piece of advice from her was, "Shine through me, Jesus." She said that saying that helped her with her anxiety because she knew she was doing it for a reason and that reason was Jesus and she didn't want to let Him down. There is a verse that was shared last night that kind of goes with that and it is: 2 Samuel 22:29-31 (ESV). Another piece of advice from her was, "What you do can't be separated from that you believe. It's not about you or them, it is about God." That to me was really powerful.
        The 2nd speaker was another women on live video and her name is Beth Moore. I was kind of disappointed that she wasn't going to be there but I know I was also being hopeful because she is a very busy women. I would love to meet her one day, though. She told us that she started her ministry or speaking about Christ at the age of 18 and that really encouraged me. She also has anxiety about things and she gave us the 5 biggest triggers for her. Some of them are: conflicts of loved ones, when she thinks she has done or said something wrong, hates to say "no", and when there are expectations to reach. I can relate, also, to all of them. Who would have thought, one of the best women speakers worry about all of these things? Just shows what God can do through you if you would let Him.
         The piece of advice that I got from her and really stuck with me was: "Anxiety is an insult to God." It is an insult because He tells us to trust Him and to give everything over to Him so He can take care of them. When we have anxiety, it is like we don't trust God with certain things and to a big God that is a big insult. How do you think that makes God feel, when His children won't trust Him with things even the little things? The question that we need to ask ourselves and God is: "What should I be releasing to You?"
          The 3rd speaker and main speaker of the night was Sarah Gross but what she taught me will have to be in another entry because there was a lot of good advice and verses from her. The last speaker of the night was one that I probably could relate to the best. I wish she would have had more time to talk because I can only think how much she would touch my life if she kept going on her points. Her name was Holley Gerth and she is a native from Arkansas and has wrote a lot of encouraging books.
           This is what I learned from Holley Gerth. She said that her anxiety started in the 3rd grade too because everyone was making fun of how she looked. She would go to the nurse because her stomach was hurting and she would even hid in the bathroom at times because had had social anxiety and the school setting was just too much for her at times. I did some of those things too. I would go to the bathroom and hid or to my parents' classroom or office just to get away from people. Granted it was mainly in high school because I was getting made fun of and things were just harder with family situations but I still did those things. I would like to think that I've always had social anxiety but it has gotten to be more noticeable the more I am by myself.
          Holley talked about how she changed her social anxiety into her "superpower" for God. She also explained what was going on in people's body with social anxiety. It has a lot to do with our brain and central nervous system. She told us how our anxiety could be used for God by making us attentive to other people's lives because we are so sensitive. I think about that has a bad thing sometimes because I don't notice the signs but if I did, I believe that I could make a difference in a lot of people's lives. If I can make myself do that and believe it is a gift from God for that, my superpower. When we change our anxiety to attentiveness by getting us focused on people and then to transform to what we think that person needs, and then to help and love on them.
         She also told us that she asked and challenged us to ask this question too when we are feeling down about ourselves, "Lord, what's really true?" Then she advised us to look in His Word, listen to other believers, and then to the Spirit itself. Another question she challenged us with was: "God, what do you want me to do?" She said that He answered her by saying: "Bless them with Me." Another piece of advice that she gave nearing the end of her talk was: "Obedience is success". If we obey God, then we will become successful. We might not become successful in the way the world looks at success but we will become successful in God's way.
       
My challenge to whoever reads this entry is to reread what I put in bold letters and ask yourself those questions everyday though the day and repeat those quotes in bold everyday through the day. It is something I am going to try myself.
 It would be neat to see and hear what God has taught you while saying and asking those things so leave comments or write me if you know me personally or try and get together. I'm free anytime, all the time right now. I'm willing to listen to any kind of stories. :)

Mind Relaxing Day

        Today was the most mind relaxing day I have had in, probably, over 2 years, which is strange because I probably had the hardest thing happen to me today as well. I won't go into the details about the hardest thing because I don't want people to know about it. Let's just say I had to find something out the hard way and I don't appreciate that at all. That is only one thing, even though, I have to deal with and think about it for the next few days. I was trying to forget about it and move on but I can't let it go.
       It was a strange relaxing day and I call it mind relaxing because I did two things on that same day that I haven't done in awhile. Those two things were that I started counseling again and I am not scared to admit that. I also had yoga again tonight and this is my first week where I went to yoga 2 times a week and that is how many times that have it during the week. I had one in the morning and the other in the evening so between the two, I took a hour to hour and a half nap because I just didn't want to think about the bad thing that happened today.
       I did have a moment before I went into where I was going that I just had to do because I had to make my day fun somehow. Let's just say I honked my horn for the fun of it today while driving down the road.  Probably the funniest thing I did all day today, which is sad but you have to make some kind of fun when you are bored and mad. Anyways, back to my mind relaxing day. First, let's talk about counseling some. I won't write all the details but I will say that I liked it a lot and it is what I have been looking for since I moved here and was interested in counseling.
       I am going to a Christian counseling place and of course they ask you if you want to use God as part of your counseling. They do both kinds. I said "yes" and my counselor did use it while we were talking and even gave me some devos. to read that she found and other Christian things that I can do to calm me down. I'll give it a little more sessions until I really write about it on here if I do. Right now, that is a big life changing and self-care for me that I need to do and why not do it now when I have nothing else to do, right?
        Then I really didn't want to leave yoga tonight. I just wanted to lay down on the floor all night without moving. I started something new for myself during yoga. You know how they tell you to breath and think certain thoughts? Well, I usually just breath and focus on that which is something you need to do during yoga. While we were sitting the start and just calming our minds, I was thinking and saying the words, "Jesus", "Jesus, I trust you", "I trust you with my mind, body, and should", and also "I trust you with my future". I got the idea from a friend earlier this morning. The leader of yoga says at the start, "Forget about the past", "don't think about the future", "don't think about what you have to do after this class or what you did before it" and I replaced those sayings with sayings that had to do with Jesus and Trusting Him.
          I want to make that a habit every time I go so when and if I do it by myself at home, once I get good or at least all the poses down, I can say that out loud in my home. I was also thinking about saying some verses, either summarizing some or pick short verses and just repeat those in my head too. I have a few that I could start with right now. It is just strange how each person as to find their own way through life but it is a good thing too. God made each one of us special and I think that is also something I am learning too. I am bad at comparing myself with my friends or the people around me and that just makes me more confused and upset.
           Sometimes we even have so high of standards in a family setting that we won't know growing up but once we are out in the "real" world we can realize maybe we weren't made for what we thought or the family thought we were made for. If you have that thought, it is hard to change especially if you are a people pleaser. There is so much emotion that goes with that especially when you can't put the words to go with it because it is something new you have experience or seen. We could and do have all these people around us and trying to encourage us, which is great but as one person, we need to realize that we are different and need to take our problems and even our good things to God.
           God is the only one that truly knows how we feel. Most of the time, He knows how we feel and what is best for us better then we do. If you think about it that way, then why do we go to other people for advice. Suggestions and help is nice to get every once in awhile but we need to remember as children of God that we need to bring those suggestions and little pieces of advice back to Him and see where He stands on them and if they fit the plan He has for us. No one knows us better to God, Himself, not even our family and sometimes there comes a point in life where we have to realize that and then trust God with everything.
            Wow! All of these thoughts on my mind relaxing day but yet I didn't feel stressed about any of these thoughts. If you read this, it wouldn't look like a mind relaxing day to you but it was in a good way. You know why? Because they are all truth and it is something I need to work on. I'm just learning more and more about myself and maybe that is what I need during this season of my life. No matter what, though, I know I have people beside that will help when I ask. I just need to feel comfortable asking and not be so stubborn at times.

Challenge: "God wants us to bring every little bit of advice to Him so we can see what He has to say about it. He loves to help His Children through anything."

Jesus Dominates the Realm of Evil Spirits

Luke 4:31-37The Message (MSG)

31-32 He went down to Capernaum, a village in Galilee. He was teaching the people on the Sabbath. They were surprised and impressed—his teaching was so forthright, so confident, so authoritative, not the quibbling and quoting they were used to.

33-34 In the meeting place that day there was a man demonically disturbed. He screamed, “Ho! What business do you have here with us, Jesus? Nazarene! I know what you’re up to. You’re the Holy One of God and you’ve come to destroy us!”

35 Jesus shut him up: “Quiet! Get out of him!” The demonic spirit threw the man down in front of them all and left. The demon didn’t hurt him.

36-37 That set everyone back on their heels, whispering and wondering, “What’s going on here? Someone whose words make things happen? Someone who orders demonic spirits to get out and they go?” Jesus was the talk of the town.

        I love what verse 32 says about Jesus' teachings. It says his teachings were so forthright, confident, and authoritative. Why do we doubt then if He doesn't quote anything? We should be listening to that kind of teaching and then our lives wouldn't be such a mess. We also need to speak to people and act like that too in a way. Then I love the part of the verse 37 where Jesus told the demon to leave and the people were questioning Him. Wanting to know what just happened. Jesus didi that by just his Words but yet there was so much power and meaning behind the words. 

        Jesus was the talk of the town for a good reason. We all know that praying words have power behind them but have you ever thought about the other words you say or write. I had to watch that closely at my last job and sometimes I still do around some friends. I want my words to be confident but yet be encouraging and meaningful to the people in my life. Even if that, means after a fight or disagreement. Yes, I might be quiet for a few days but hopefully I've thought about it and saw your side too or if we are close enough I'll talk to you about it but I'm not promising calmly. Though I will try. No one is that prefect. 

          You know that old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." It is a cute saying but thinking about that saying with these verses it isn't true. While people might try to be tough, words can hurt them more then we could think. Your words have to match up with your actions and if they don't then you need to change something. You want to have nice words with nice actions, not bad words with bad actions. 

Real Vs. Fake

       I am going to be more real then I have ever been on my blog so please be careful what you think and what you say. I'm doing this because I know I'm not the only person out there who feels this way. We all do once in awhile. Some of us just more often then others so please be considerate of what I'm saying. I just feel like it is time for me to be somewhat real since I have the time and maybe it will help some others to see that being real is okay. We don't all need to be fake all the time even over the computer. We just have to be careful not to write about anyone else's life or start rumors about anyone else.
        I have a disorder or sickness or whatever you want to call it. Not sure quite what to call it but I have it and there is no doubt in my mind like there use to be. I was thinking about this last night while going to be and I'm finally came to the real thought that I do have anxiety whether I like it or not.  This could be my testimony to some people or to certain people on how to get over it and/or live with it. I do get easily upset over little life things that no one would get upset over and it scares me because I think "Am I going to have this all my life?", "Will I find a husband who will put up with me and all my mess?", "Will I ever get to live a normal life?", and the questions go on and on. I have all these dreams I want to come true yet I'm so anxious about them and doubt and worry what will go wrong with them.
       Maybe this is my ministry right now? Maybe being real and okay with who God made me to be wand sharing that? Not being this fake and strong person that I try to be often. I'm trying out different things to help me control my anxiety like yoga and counseling and other things that are suppose to help. I've been going back and forth on this since high school to try and found out what works best for me personally. I'm that kind of person once I feel fine like after a little bit of counseling, I will not go back but then I get that feeling again and will need to. I haven't stuck with counseling through a year yet, which that is my next goal.
        The only thing that I have stuck with for a year are the meds. and I have been told not to share a lot about those on here but I'm going to share a little bit in this entry because it is part of my journey and story right now. The meds are the only thing that I have stuck with for a year and I can tell a big difference with them but I am looking for other ways like the yoga and counseling because I don't want to be on them all my life. I would rather do yoga or counseling all my life if possible because to me relying on meds with a family and during those child birthing years are not good at all so I want to get away from those and onto something else if possible.
           I know I'm planning way in advance but as women we have to do that sometimes. Another thing that bothers me and I have tried to let it go but the more I admit I have it the more that it bothers me especially here lately. I tell people that I am anxious and that I have anxiety. People that I think would understand like people in the church and other places like maybe work but yet they say things like, "Just give that to God", "I don't believe in anxiety, I just give it to God", and "You can pray about it and it will go away", and so forth. Don't get me wrong, if you know me, you know I believe very strongly in God and Prayer. I am a big prayer warrior myself but there are some things that God will give you and not take away because it is a weakness he can use for His Kingdom. His Grace is made big in our weaknesses.
          This sickness is my weakness that God is using. He is using it by showing me what He can do through me. He is showing me that even though I worry a lot, that I can still trust Him and He will provide. How neat would it be if someday He will actually "heal" me from it and then I can use that story as a testimony! People see anxiety disorders as just something that people think up to get away with things but it is much more then that. It is a disorder that messes with your brain. You have unbalanced chemicals in your brain that meds and other things can fix. For me, it is the chemicals that make you cry and get more upset easily then other people. I am more emotional but yet on the plus side that makes me more compassionate in a way and that is another way God can use the disorder for good. Although, somedays I wish He would pick another way because it makes me sleepy a lot faster then other people.
            Even though, right now, I'm taking a break from other things. I think God is teaching me to be happy with who He made me and just learn about that. Try different things so I can help people with the same problem in the future if that time comes. Right now, hopefully since I am writing about it and the more I do maybe it will get easier for me to talk about it face to face and maybe tell those people that will come into my life about it so they will truly know who I am, especially those people who will mean the world to me someday. This is me starting to me real instead of fake because I have had it with being strong.
          Being strong is not worth it in the end of times but being real is. I will say that I know some other friends going through some sicknesses or disorders whether it is the same one as me or different ones, I hope this is encouragement to those friends and maybe it will challenge them to do the same thing but only about their disorder or sickness.
         "Being strong plus fake will not get you anywhere in life but being real will. Being an advocate for yourself when you have something like I do is probably the best thing you can do for yourself."

Where Am I in Life?-A Poem

         Putting a disclaimer on this poem. I did write it but I wrote it during college for a class assignment after I read a certain book for the class. The book was called "Ordinary People". I am putting it on here because it is just another poem that I wrote and I'm trying to put all of them on my blog.  No matter why I wrote the poem or what for. I have the papers that I had to turn in for college with the poem and the explanation of the poem.


Where Am I in Life?

Written By: Tiffney Wilson 


In life, where am I?
I have no idea. I am 
lost and so confused. 
I am discovering new 
feelings that I have never
felt before. I'm really scared.
Please help me, if you can.
I need all the help I can get. 

In life, where am I?
I just got used to everything
new and then something 
happens again and I get
lost all over. Why does it
seem like everything bad is 
happening to me?

In life, where am I?
I feel like I don't have a 
choice in anything. Everybody
is seeing if I'm okay and 
watching over me like a hawk.
I just can't stand it anymore. I
wish I could just get away from
everything and just take a break 
from life.

In life, where am I?
I don't know where I belong.
My friends really aren't liking 
me the way I am now. My
parents are fighting, plus my
mom doesn't like me. Where 
do I belong?

In life, where am I?
I have all of these feelings 
that I don't know how to handle 
ver well. I'm fighting with 
myself to let those feelings
come out of me because I know
that would make me feel a lot
better. Should I let them come
out?

In life, where am I?
Everything is just going 
downhill or so it seems and 
because of that everything is so 
hard for me to handle. I need 
at least one answer and everything 
will hopefully be fine. The answer 
to in life, where am I?


Written On: April 29, 2007

More Worth Then Jewels

       "A good woman is hard to find,
    and worth far more than diamonds."

                 -Proverbs 31:10

         This verse was the verse that was going through my mind right before I went to sleep last night. I probably laid in bed for about 15 mins. just thinking about this verse and what it means in my life right now. I will tell you in this entry that I am also reading and trying to live this chapter out because these verses really reminds me of my grandmas. I could see every one of these verses in their lives. It might been in different ways but I saw them and I want to be like them in every way that I can. 

        Right now, I have nothing to work towards or care for accept for myself and my future. That might sound a little selfish but really if I want to live out these verses, it really isn't that selfish. I'm learning how to be a Godly women for the people around me. I will also say that these entries are about what the Lord is teaching me in my own personal situations so don't take it word for word. The Lord could totally be teaching you something different in your own situations. 

        I will also say that this I usually don't write with guys in mind but this one could be good for both girls and guys. Good for guys because I don't think guys usually think about how they treat women until it is too late sometimes. That might sound judgmental but read on and you might see what I am talking about. I'm going to give old and new examples so please note that most of these examples are not what is happening to me right at this moment in my life. 

        I've learned in the past and present that I never meant anything to a guy then more then the new girl in class, a friend, or a supporter, if that. I have had all three happen to me and it is not fun. It is a lot of learning but not fun at all. I don't mind that because it is better then nothing but at the same time it is hard on me and in general any women that has a crush on a guy. Every women dreams of a guy that will sweep her off her feet because he cares. He might not be prefect but remember girls, you aren't either.  Girls, we can be responsible to for thinking this same way about guys. I know I have before. 

        Here is what I think when I think about this verse. Women want to be treated more then just a new person or supporter. She wants to be one of a kind kind of jewel. She wants to be most important to that one guy. She wants to know that she can count on that someone special. She wants to know that she can trust someone with anything and everything.  She wants to be the only one that guy thinks about. She wants flowers and chocolate and to be treated like a princess. She wants jewels that she can wear. I know marriage and relationships aren't all that but they can be every once in awhile. 
         She doesn't want to be asked out just because she is the new kid in class for that year. She doesn't want to be asked out because she is the only one left. She doesn't want to be asked out because she just moved to some place new. She doesn't want to be asked out just because her friends are going out and she is the third wheel. Guys, I know that you don't want to be asked out just because your culture might be different from ours. You might be someone famous and have a great job but don't want to get asked out because of those things. The same thing goes for both parties and that is just that we want to be asked out for who we really are, mistakes and all. 
           Women might not deserve to be treated like a princess or queen sometimes and we understand that but that doesn't mean that we should never get treated like one some of the time. Women doesn't want to be left back there the other woman or people in your life. She wants to be up front and center, right after God. If she means something to you, then you need to tell her. Don't leave her guessing. 
          Guys, I know you want the respect and encouragement from women that you deserve even when times are hard. When we try to give it to you, know that we are just respecting you in that sense that maybe you do mean more to us as just friends but yet maybe the time isn't right or we don't want to be the ones who make the move.
          I hope this entry makes some sense to some people. All I really am trying to say to guys and girls. No one likes feeling back in the back when they might have deeper feelings for you. It can be hard on a person. When they want to help, let them. When they show they care, tell them thank you every time. I feel like I have been in the back all my life and I just want some important guy to show that he cares enough to say something about his feelings. I've had enough of this being in the back. I want to feel like a diamond and I am sure a lot of girls do too. 

          

A Proverbs Woman=A Godly Woman

   "She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive."-Proverbs 31

"Many pray, Lord, send me a husband or wife. But few pray, Lord, prepare me to be the husband or wife I need to be."-Adam Cappa

           Wow! I come back to AR from my parents' house after a few days and it feels like God is just throwing ideas at me to write more. I came home and saw this saying on a friend's Facebook and while thinking about it for a bit, Proverbs 31 came to my mind. I read that Proverbs before I went to bed and woke up this morning deciding I am going to be that kind of wife or at least work on it since I have the time right now. 
          I want to say some things about the saying from Adam Cappa. I don't know Adam Cappa that well but I do know he is a famous Christian singer and songwriter. Just some back history if you didn't know him either. The saying is so true and yet I'm seeing that doing that is so sad. I am guilty of praying "send me a husband" without even thinking about who I am for my future husband. We all might think it is a good thing to pray that but I agree about praying that God will make me the wife I need to be. Thinking about it that way seems, to me, that you care about your future spouse's happiness more then your own happiness for just having a spouse. 
           Another thing that I thought about while I read the quote is "marriage is a mission field". It is a mission field right here in America. We pray "send me some place to help people or that country" but that isn't right either. We should be praying, "prepare me to help those people or that country and then send me". Just like this quote says about marriage. We need to be prepare for anything and any mission from marriage to going to another country and everything in between. We need to be prepared and have God in our life and know what it is like. 
          Some people might think it is funny but also true. Marriage is like a whole other country. You have this new person that you have to give your life to. You chose to marry this person knowing that you will spend the rest of your life with them. It isn't a whole country or organization but it is still a person and they matter. Just like you have to learn and prepare yourself for a whole other country's culture, you have to prepare yourself for your spouse's "culture" too. You both are different because you came from different families and sometimes, even different states or country. You have to find things you agree on to get along and you can have some differences but not on everything. You have to connect somehow to make the marriage work. 
           Then there was that moment afterwards that Proverbs 31 came to my mind and I had to look it up and read it. I have decided since I'm home for now that my goal is to try and do every one of those verses or at least to try and get better at them because I know some of them I can like getting up early, being excited about the day ahead of me, organizing my day and my meals, and things like that. I figured that I will try and write about one verse a day about what it means to me and what I can do now to help me prepare for my future spouse. 
          As you can see, the verse I picked for the rest of this week is about being busy and productive. It says to keep everyone in household busy and productive, which right now it is only me and I could work on that with volunteering places and hanging out with friends and more. It could also mean, to me, that I keep busy with my friends by keeping me updated with their lives and help them if needed. My real dream, besides owning a daycare, is being a stay at home mom and wife and what better way to prepare myself for that then trying to live out Proverbs 31. 
           If you know me at all, you also know that my college degree pretty much sums up Proverbs 31, especially when you look it up in The Message Bible. It even mention "homemaking". I already love to do all the things that it says so why not add more onto those things to not only prepare me for a spouse but to make me healthy too, both psychically and mentally. If I could do it now, it only makes me better in the long run or so they say. 
         It is all about making God using you for His Glory through those things. That whole chapter is really one talented person with a lot of talents put together. Never look down on a Homemaker/Stay at Home Mom because she does more then anyone else especially when she has a lot of children. 
        Now I am off my soapbox for a little bit. You can see where my passion lies and how I have been raised, though. 

When You are Walking on the Path....

"I've put so much on hold in my life because I know this is what God wants me to do and how I can spread His Word, but that doesn't mean it's easy or that I never think about doing something different. When you are walking the path God has you on, that's when things are really going to come at you and try to knock you off but with each battle you get through, it's just that much more rewarding for sticking to your path."-Saying by a friend in 2015

         I couldn't help by relate to these words that a friend of mine said. Those words are so encouraging and what I need right now at this moment in my life. A lot has been going on and it is just neat how God works through people because my friend has no idea of everything that is going on but that is how I feel too. The 2nd sentence is how I feel now but the first sentence is something I have thought before especially before "life" happened to me.
         Right now, in a way, I feel like I am putting my life on hold, not with my job but by not having one. I'm putting having a job on hold because I need to spend time with family and friends. I need to plan out where I want to go in life now. I know God is growing me, even through the hard times that I am going through right now. I feel like His Word that I am spreading now is "how to have peace during the hard times" because I have had peace through all of this and I know it is all because of Him. I will get through this with God by my side.
         The second phase of the quote is that part that I love best and can relate to the best. Every one of my paths especially the one I was on, is when things really come at you. I love the challenges but at the same time I know it will be hard. Things will come at you and me and knock us down or try to but it is a blessing to see the rewards when you stick with it. You can see all the rewards that you were able to get when you stay on that path.
          I will say that I miss my "children" especially the ones that I saw a big change in and I had quite a few of those children. I miss my job because of the rewards I would get, not because of other things. I have thought a lot about my special children and how I will never forget them. Seeing how much you have made in a child's life is the most rewarding gift that you can get in life. Yes, I did keep track of how many children I took care of and that number was around 250 children. 250 children changed for the Kingdom of God or that can be my prayer at least.
         God never promised that the path He has for us will be easy but He did promise that He would be with us every step of the way. We might forget that at times and try to do everything on our own but that makes us start to doubt if anything will change. We need to keep our focus on God because He does things for a reason and even though we might see those reasons until months or years later, He has His reasons. It is just all about Trusting and Loving Him with your life. I know it is easier said then done but it is something we need to do. We don't have a choice. Well, we do but we also know the outcome of each choice.
         God will reward you in the end, whether earthly and/or Heavenly. Both could be worth it but reaching Heaven and being with Him is totally worth every battle that you go through. Don't you think?

Being Too Strong

         Yesterday was the get together for my grandma's passing. It was a family reunion like she would have liked. Almost everyone was there and we had a fun time talking and laughing together. I even saw some people that I never saw before or at least don't remember seeing. It was around lunchtime so we had BBQ for lunch that was brought in by "RibCrib". I lasted all but an hour and a half of the together. We sang songs and told memories of my grandma. My 3 older nieces started us off but singing a song and then one of my cousins played his gatuiar and lead us in 3 songs. They were: Tis So Sweet to trust in Jesus, Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus, and Amazing Grace. Then my aunt played a song called "Pray for the Small Days".
         It was all very sweet and grandma would have loved being there, physically with us, but we all knew that she was there, spiritually. I did have to take some time, though, and just be myself because it was getting too hot in the building and I was just getting to overactive. I needed a quite place that I could just be by myself and think about things. I found out that I'm not a big fan of just the get togethers for the passing off people. I would rather have the memorial service and be done with it. I don't even like the meal afterwards. For those of you who know me really well, you know why. I'm not a big talker. It is easier for me to cry and then leave right after.
         Anyways, as I was sitting by myself for a little bit, I got to thinking that I didn't really have time to process my grandma's passing because of everything that has been going on in my life. Another thing that I don't like about just having the get togethers, I would rather see the body one last time to confirm everything for me. Is that wrong? It hasn't even been quite a year since a friend of mine past away, a friend might be moving away and I lost my job. Those are the three bad things and then here are the good things. I had a new niece born last month and I got to spend time with some old college friends and just spending time with everyone has been really good.
          I kept so busy with my new niece, hanging with friends, and filling out papers for jobs. I really didn't have time to think about my grandma passing away. For me, that is usual because I like to be strong and kind hearted for everyone else around me during these times. I could care less about myself but this time hit me hard and I think it was because we had a reunion instead of a service for her. I usually cry at the services, which is normal but I felt strange doing it at the reunion.
           Lately though, I have been too strong, even for myself to handle it. A lot has been going on in my life and I don't know where to turn or didn't. It just felt like one thing was stacking on top of the other. I knew everyone was feeling the same way and the people I usually talked to were having problems after problems and knowing me I didn't want to bother them with my problems. I have just shoved the ways I feel in the back of my mind to try and have fun or be happy but it is not working like in the past. Right now, at this moment that started yesterday, I just feel like I need someone to save me or at least help me. I'm trying to rely on God and do my Bible studies and pray but I need more humans. That might sound strange but I mean I need more of that physical then spiritual right now if that makes any sense at all.
         I couldn't even fall asleep this past Monday and Tuesday nights because my mind was just so full of different thoughts. There are a lot of things I regret like I could have gone and seen grandma a lot more and should have but I was just so worn out from working or that was my excuse. I regret not talking to people when I had the chance to or not knowing when to talk to them. I regret sharing my story about my life right now because I feel like someone could get some wisdom from it or that I could have used some more encouragement and love during the hard times.
        I will admit not very many people knew about my grandma passing and that was my fault. It has just been hard to make it a reality and if I have talked about it before the reunion, it might have been easier but for some reason it feels like the less I talk about her, the more I can hang on to her. I know, though, that isn't want she would want me to do. She loved talking to people and about people in a good way so she would want the same thing done for her. She would want to share her life story with people, so what is stopping me from doing that?
      I try to go out and have fun after all of these things happened in my life because I know if I would just sit at home, I would cry non-stop but maybe that is what I need. I'm not trying to get a pity party for me out of this entry. I'm just saying that I have learned or have been reminded of a lesson in life.

-"You can't go through life without God and people by your side. It is impossible! If you try, you will surely fail at life. You need to have people who love and care for you, because it is then that you will succeed."

The Two Roads to Love

The Two Roads to Love

By: Tiffney Wilson 

Written On: August 9th, 2015

Have you ever thought about love 

as a road? A Road that every couple

take even before they meet. Their 

end, though, is each other.

They might not see it at 1st or will

put it on hold for a little awhile. The 

map might not make sense. They could 

be totally doing the opposite of the other

person. Yet, God can open their heart 

at the right time. 

One person could be, doing something

big. The other person could be doing 

something small. Then their purpose 

in life flips on them. It flips on them to 

get a better understanding of the other

person. 

They can see the road coming together.

They can see how it can work. Yes, there 

are some things that they both have to 

work on. They have to pick up things

on the way. 

Things that will make a marriage work.

Things like understanding, how to talk,

love of God, and patience. They have to 

know who they are before they can care 

for someone else. 

The road to Love is a two way street. When

those two people get to love, then it becomes

a one way street towards God. Drive the road

slowly and carefully. Don't be scared to stop

and ask for directions on the way if needed. 

The End. 

Obedience Flows from the Love for Christ

            15 “If you love me, keep my commands. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be[a] in you. 18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 19 Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.21 Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.” 22 Then Judas (not Judas Iscariot) said, “But, Lord, why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world?” 23 Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. 24 Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me. - John 14:15-24 (NIV)

              It is Amazing how these verses uses the words orphans, love, and advocate all in the same "story". It is also strange how the words "peace" and "to not be troubled" are in there too. We are so messed up that we need an advocate to help us get through life. we need someone to speak up for us because we don't have a voice or the right words to say. Sometimes, even we don't have the words to say at all but yet we have someone who will speak for us. Because of that, we can have peace and not be scared of things. Think of the children who can't speak for themselves. It might cost us something to speak up for them but didn't it cost Jesus a lot more when He spoke up for us. Take that small chance. 

             I writing and wording it like I am because I have seen and been through both sides. I am an adopted Child of God and I couldn't be more grateful. That doesn't give me the right to sit around and be scared of saying and standing up for what I believe in or what I believe should be changed even if it is just a little bit. Seeing all kinds of children in all kinds of situations is not easy. I don't understand and never will why some people will just walk on by without noticing them. It might cost you money, a job, or even a change in life depending on how you do it but isn't it worth giving back what Jesus gave to us. 

              I feel like, at times, that I spoke up for the children or tried and I just got turned away. To be honest, I am scared for those children now because I don't know what their lives are going to be like since I'm not around them anymore. I can trust God that He will take care of them and keep them in His Hands. Just know that, at times and in this world, when you try to speak up for the voiceless, the chances are no one will hear what you have to say or will ever take the time to understand it. 

             If we have enough passion for the things or people we love, then we will be obedient to Christ and follow Him where He wants us to go. This world will not and can't stop us if we are really passionate about someone or something. God gave us that passion for a reason and He is going to keep it alive by helping us by however He can. If we Love Christ like we say we do, then that passion will never get old and will we keep going after it. No one can change the passions that God has given a person. 

           Like for me, I will always be speaking up for children because that was my life and I am grateful for that. I had people speaking up for me when I couldn't find the words to speak. God might lead me in different ways and on different paths for seasons of my life but no matter what I will always be speaking for children or at least trying with what I have and know. That is how I can be obedient by the Love for Christ. 

Challenge: How can you be obedient with the Love for Christ?

            

Jesus, Our One True Friend

    " 12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. 17 This is my command: Love each other."- John 15:12-17 (NIV)

         As I read these verses, I see a pattern in them. God wants us to love others. There is no greater love then laying down your life for a friend. That is where Christians usually stop but if you keep going there is a stronger message. It is about who we are in Christ. We are no longer servants but His friends. Only if we chose to love others, though, because love comes from Christ. We know that "Love" is our Master's business so we have no excuse to not be doing it. Don't get me wrong. No one is perfect but Christ. I know we mess up a lot but there is something about acting it out then just saying you know it. 
           A friend lets another friend know what he has learned or going on in their life. A friend puts another friend's dream before anything else, even if it is harder and they need to remind themselves a lot on why the dream is happening. They let the other friend know everything about them. As mean as it may sound, we choose our friends like Jesus chose us. He knew He could trust us with His Plan about loving other people. He is a friend that will give us what we ask for if it is the best and safest for us. He, also, watches out for us. 
           In a way, Jesus knew that we would stand beside Him through anything or that is His and our Hope at least. Do you have an earthly friend or friends that loves you no matter what you are like or are going through or will do in the future? We are need to have friends like that in our lives. God made us to be relational people and that is one way we can be relational.  
            

My 4th Year in Arkansas

         I can't believe that I am going on my 4th year in Arkansas. Not only am I going on that year, it might be my last year. I don't know what to expect in this coming year. I am going into it without a job and without a plan. This past year, through, as been a big blessing in so many ways. Probably one of the best years that I've had in Arkansas. I've seen dreams come true and have learned a lot and grew a lot in Christ. Here is a summery of what my past year was like in Arkansas.
         I've been through three big Bible studies that have changed my life and my way of thinking. One by Beth Moore called "Breaking Free" and another one called "Breathe". The most important things that those two studies have taught me is that I'm beautiful to God when I let go of things and that I need to rest more then I do. I need a Sabbath and that can be any day, not just a Sunday. It could even be a hour or minutes. I just got done with another Bible study called "Discovery Mosaic" where I learn about the church I'm going to. It was interesting and made me love my church even more.
        I have changed church services and hang out with some more people then usual. I have been going to the Saturday night service at 5:00 a lot more. It is good for me because I can be by myself and just think through things. I have been hanging out with the women's ministry more then the singles' ministry. I feel like I can grow more with older and wiser women. I have learned a lot since going to those Bible studies. I have also felt like the people/friends I come in contact with are more my "type" and we have more in common then when I first came here. I feel like I can relate a lot more to them and it is easier to talk to them because of that. It seems like God has put people in my life for certain seasons and this past year I could really tell that.
        I've finished my first year being on anxiety meds. but I'm not going to go into that but it was changed my life a lot. I feel more controlled with everything. I have had a lot of different challenges at work and a lot of different children that have challenged me in a lot of ways. Some tough and some not so tough but really seeing that change in them in a short period of time. I have learned through my job that I am a special person to Christ and that I should be grateful for what I do have in life because not everyone as the things I do. I've just feel like I've became more grateful and more aware of other people.
         This past year has given me the hope for changing and spending more time with other people in the coming year. Getting to know the people that I've wanted to know for years and some new people along with those. My relationship with God has changed to a closer one with the understanding of what love really means along with peace and trust. I have learned to be happy for my friends and pray for them instead of thinking just about me and what I can get out of things. I think I have become more relational this past year more then anything, which is a big step for me. Still trying to work on talking though. :) I know my past job also helped me to see that having ones that you love in your life real means a lot or it should.
           It broke my heart to see those children that can't really love or know how to love but yet we do and sometimes take it for granted. Some points of views that have changed this year are: my views on marriage (more deeper views), friendships, how I am living, why I am here, and what it means for your dreams to come true in real life. Those all sound very deep but it is true. Just this past month I saw what it meant to spend time with old friends and keep up with them. I went on a summer vacation with my college girlfriends and it was a good time. It was good knowing that no matter where I am in life, they are right there with me going through the same things. Even though, we didn't talk much about those things, we knew in a way that there were some things that were bothering us all.
            I have also learned how to prayer more meaningful. By that, I mean for other people like friends then just myself. It is a lot of fun and a challenge in a way when you pray for your friends and other people because then you want to see how they are doing so you ask them and that keeps you connected. It is kind of like you are giving a gift to your friends. You are forgetting about the situations you are in and worrying or praying for them.
            I don't know where this 4th year in Arkansas is going to take me. I have a lot of dreams to fulfill and I'm scared because they are different. I'm planning on stopping the child care way for a bit and going back to college for an OT degree. While doing that, I plan on working somewhere in retail or an office job. Then there are other personal things that I'm going to be working on along with that but I still have a good feeling about this year. Yeah, Arkansas is the home of Wal-Mart but it is also one of the places I love and not just because of that. I have grown some much as a person here. I couldn't think of anywhere else that I would rather do that.
            I would honestly hate to leave this place but if it came to it I would. I think I would be back though sometime. It is full of culture because of Wal-Mart yet it is a very loving place for the outdoors with all its trails and outdoor activities. It is a good place for a single girl like myself to get some new and different experiences but yet be close to home too. It is funny how a place that you saw on the bottom of a water bottle in high school and never thought you would step foot in, yet God had other plans. I will never for get that feeling. Sometimes when you look back, it is funny what thing got you to that place and what made you really stay there ( 1 Cor. 7:17- MSG)
           I better stop or I will continue to go deeper about what it means to live in Arkansas and then people would want to move here. Ok, maybe not but I better not take that chance because I like the small town feeling of a big city.

The Toddler that Stayed for 3 Months

         I know I need a better name for this entry but that is the way I can remember what this entry is about since I cannot type the toddler's name in it at all. This little boy was a miracle to watch while I was working at my job. He brought laughter and joy into my life and each and every day that I was there. He started out not being able to do anything but with a lot of OT, he was a normal toddler by the time that I left. Not a baby anymore.
         Now to tell you how he was when he came to the my job. He would not stop crying at all, he would not sleep, he would choke almost every time that he ate anything, whole food or baby food, and he couldn't move around. He also had some problems with his middle area and he would look one way while using the other hand to do something else. Those two things weren't lined up like they should have been for his age. He also had his 1st birthday there and that was only a day or 2 after he came to us.
         He is really a miracle baby though. He has changed so much in the 3 months that I had him. He turned out to be the most adorable, cutest toddler of all times. He got to where he could move his eyes and arms in the right direction at the same time, which helped him learn to crawl like a normal toddler. I got to see his first crawl and then the more he got the hang of it, the faster he was at it. We got him on some thicker for his drinks so he wouldn't choke while drinking and we got a hang of what foods he could and couldn't have. He really didn't like the thicker, though, because he wouldn't drink very much of anything.
         The very reason I loved him so much was because we got him to laugh by the time that I left. His laugh was the hardest, cutest laugh in the whole world. Sometimes he would laugh for no reason or we couldn't tell what he was laughing at. He had a huge smile when he was laughing and a strange sound to go along with it. He was a real snuggle but especially after nap time. He didn't get straight up from it. He wanted to cuddle with us at first and wake up slowly. He was also the jealous type but I think the staff made him that way because he was the main one in the nursery while all of his friends were going in and out. He stayed the longest out of all his friends.
         The staff kept kidding that we could put him in charge of the nursery because he has been there that long. A little bit before I left, we were trying to get him to walk because he is about that old. We would always kid with him about walking and he did take a few small steps but then he would sit down and want to crawl again. It kind of made him mad when we were try to get him to walk. He just didn't like it at all. This child is the child that I missed the most from my last group of children. He was just so sweet and happy all the time once we got him well.
          I also remember that he had a bulged out belly when he first came and that was what most of his appointments were about plus his eating. His belly got a little bit smaller as the days went on but it always looked like a bulged belly, even if it was a little one. I think his body was just out of shape. It was like skinny arms and legs but here was the big head and belly. He was cute though. We also barely saw him because that poor child had a dr. appointment or two a day. If it was two appointments, it was a visit and then an appointment of some sort. It seemed like he was always gone but yet he was there when we needed him the most.
           This toddler was another one of my child that I saw a big change in while working at my old job and another one that I will never forget. He has a story from there and it is a life changing one. I just hope and pray that wherever he goes that he will be taken care of really good and gently.