Being Too Strong

         Yesterday was the get together for my grandma's passing. It was a family reunion like she would have liked. Almost everyone was there and we had a fun time talking and laughing together. I even saw some people that I never saw before or at least don't remember seeing. It was around lunchtime so we had BBQ for lunch that was brought in by "RibCrib". I lasted all but an hour and a half of the together. We sang songs and told memories of my grandma. My 3 older nieces started us off but singing a song and then one of my cousins played his gatuiar and lead us in 3 songs. They were: Tis So Sweet to trust in Jesus, Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus, and Amazing Grace. Then my aunt played a song called "Pray for the Small Days".
         It was all very sweet and grandma would have loved being there, physically with us, but we all knew that she was there, spiritually. I did have to take some time, though, and just be myself because it was getting too hot in the building and I was just getting to overactive. I needed a quite place that I could just be by myself and think about things. I found out that I'm not a big fan of just the get togethers for the passing off people. I would rather have the memorial service and be done with it. I don't even like the meal afterwards. For those of you who know me really well, you know why. I'm not a big talker. It is easier for me to cry and then leave right after.
         Anyways, as I was sitting by myself for a little bit, I got to thinking that I didn't really have time to process my grandma's passing because of everything that has been going on in my life. Another thing that I don't like about just having the get togethers, I would rather see the body one last time to confirm everything for me. Is that wrong? It hasn't even been quite a year since a friend of mine past away, a friend might be moving away and I lost my job. Those are the three bad things and then here are the good things. I had a new niece born last month and I got to spend time with some old college friends and just spending time with everyone has been really good.
          I kept so busy with my new niece, hanging with friends, and filling out papers for jobs. I really didn't have time to think about my grandma passing away. For me, that is usual because I like to be strong and kind hearted for everyone else around me during these times. I could care less about myself but this time hit me hard and I think it was because we had a reunion instead of a service for her. I usually cry at the services, which is normal but I felt strange doing it at the reunion.
           Lately though, I have been too strong, even for myself to handle it. A lot has been going on in my life and I don't know where to turn or didn't. It just felt like one thing was stacking on top of the other. I knew everyone was feeling the same way and the people I usually talked to were having problems after problems and knowing me I didn't want to bother them with my problems. I have just shoved the ways I feel in the back of my mind to try and have fun or be happy but it is not working like in the past. Right now, at this moment that started yesterday, I just feel like I need someone to save me or at least help me. I'm trying to rely on God and do my Bible studies and pray but I need more humans. That might sound strange but I mean I need more of that physical then spiritual right now if that makes any sense at all.
         I couldn't even fall asleep this past Monday and Tuesday nights because my mind was just so full of different thoughts. There are a lot of things I regret like I could have gone and seen grandma a lot more and should have but I was just so worn out from working or that was my excuse. I regret not talking to people when I had the chance to or not knowing when to talk to them. I regret sharing my story about my life right now because I feel like someone could get some wisdom from it or that I could have used some more encouragement and love during the hard times.
        I will admit not very many people knew about my grandma passing and that was my fault. It has just been hard to make it a reality and if I have talked about it before the reunion, it might have been easier but for some reason it feels like the less I talk about her, the more I can hang on to her. I know, though, that isn't want she would want me to do. She loved talking to people and about people in a good way so she would want the same thing done for her. She would want to share her life story with people, so what is stopping me from doing that?
      I try to go out and have fun after all of these things happened in my life because I know if I would just sit at home, I would cry non-stop but maybe that is what I need. I'm not trying to get a pity party for me out of this entry. I'm just saying that I have learned or have been reminded of a lesson in life.

-"You can't go through life without God and people by your side. It is impossible! If you try, you will surely fail at life. You need to have people who love and care for you, because it is then that you will succeed."