God, I Want to Be One With You

          My name means.........."Appearance of God". I started thinking about my name on Thursday while I was at an "Anxiety" conference. It has been awhile since I thought about it.

          I saw a verse on a friend's Facebook page on Aug 28th, 2015. It was: 1 John 3:24. My friend put it in their own words, "My life is not my own, it's intertwined with Christ." I looked up the verse and verses before it today and it was about loving people like Christ has loved them. It was also about being one with Christ. I was also telling myself while I was falling asleep and just saying "I'm intertwined with Christ" and it helped me relax and fall asleep.

         Then, tonight at church, the sermon was about "Living as One" with Christ and the church. The verses that the pastor used was from John 17. They talked about how we are to live as One in His Name, By His Word, To this World, and to give God the glory.

        I drove home from church thinking," Ok. God what are you telling to tell me. You have told me to be with You 3 days in a row. You have kept me up late last night and I have a feeling You will keep me up late again tonight. God, I have all these ways that I could be the appearance of and One with You. My question is: "Which one?" "Do I use my anxiety and disorder for Your Glory?" "Do I start an in home Christian Daycare?", "Do I go into OT and help children like me for Your Glory?" "Do I help a friend with their ministry for Your Glory?" "Do I speak up about my anxiety and disorder and how I got through it for Your Glory?"
        Then when I got home, I was still thinking about it. I have all of these things that I could be doing but what is it that God wants me to do. How am I One with Him in everything that I do? Just to let you all know I haven't talked to God in about 2 days because I have been getting home so late. I still, however, been reading His Word every morning. I decided to have a quite time with Him and talk to Him before I went to bed.
        I went to hang out with some friends until 11:00 pm and then after that I just felt like I needed to go on a country road and just talk with God so I did that. I asked Him all the questions and told Him that I have no idea where I started to get wrapped up in myself when I was working my job. It all happened so fast and now I feel like it is just a little spot in my life. Yes, I have some children I will remember forever and that I know that I helped but it went by so fast and so short. During that time, I also forgot how to take care of myself. Now is so different from when I had the job.
         It is amazing how a little self care can change you completely around. How being stressed and worried can take the encouragement and happiness out of you that you use to have and turn it into meanness and stubbornness. I can't put my finger on it yet but I did not feel like I was one with God at a job that I should have, at least I thought, felt like I should been. I think God is reteaching me how to be One with Him because I got off the path. I did get worried and mad and upset. I did try to control everything when I had no place of controlling it.
          The two and a half years seem to be just a glimpse now. It is hard to explain but as I look back on it, I wonder who that girl was that was working there and why did she get that way. She wasn't who she started out to be and I miss that girl. That girl that could encourage and listen. That girl who loved on children no matter what. That girl that loved to create and teach. To us, it is strange how God knows when it is time to change things and get us back on track for Him and even for ourselves sometimes. I have spent a lot of time lately by hanging out with friends and just in His Word and encouraging people and friends and that just gives me a smile when I do that. I actually missed it while working.
           It is strange how God works because before I went to my friends' to hang out, I stopped by a McDonald's to get a Fappe that I had been wanting to try. The cashier was a new employe and a young one at that, maybe a high schooler. You could tell that he was really stressed and one of the customers were helping him out because they were so busy and no one else was there to help him.  Well, of course, I know what it is like being out of a job but yet at the same time being so busy at the job, so I felt like God was telling me to give that boy a dollar tip. I went back in and gave him a dollar and told him "thank you".
           I felt like when I was working I couldn't see people like that. All I could see or wanted to see was me and I hated that. I will even admit there are time I would complain to my friends when they really needed my help instead but I couldn't see that because I wasn't aligned with God. I wasn't being One with Him. After that, I wrote a friend back to tell the friend that helping them out was my pleasure and I just wanted to spread the Kingdom of God by something I did earlier this month. I don't know who that girl was in my spot at my job but it wasn't me. That's for sure and I didn't like her.
         The questions now are: How can I Live as One now with God? How can I be intertwined with Him? I'm letting God answer those. I'm not even going to "try" to get a job I want or to understand a job I want. I am going to let God lead my where He wants me. Wherever that may be. God, I want to be One with You.

Disclaimer: It might sound like I am bragging to some people but I'm not. I'm trying to show that when you let God control your path and trust in Him by listening to Him, He can do some amazing things for you.
          For me, lately, I have learned that God speaks to me by a tugging at my heart. My heart actually feels like it is getting pulled on. I feel that when I need to pray for someone, help someone, or just get together with someone especially when I know they are going through hard times. How does God speak to you?