Live the Life You Want to Love

“Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else.” Galatians 6:4 (NIV) 


Proverbs 30:8b-9:
 “Give me just enough to satisfy my needs. For if I grow rich, I may deny you and say, ‘Who is the LORD?’ And if I am too poor, I may steal and thus insult God’s holy name.” -(NLT) 

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          Living the life I want to love is so hard to do. It is also hard to not compare yourself with the people around you especially when they have the better life or so you think. I want to have just enough to satisfy my needs. Having too much or too little could be bad for a person. My question is: When do you know you are satisfied with your needs? Is it when you love your life and are happy with where you are? If that is, then I haven't been there for a few years now and won't be until a few years after. I don't know when things started to go downhill for me.
          I thought I would love the daycare and preschool field and I still do but I guess being out in the real world and comparing other jobs with that job, I just guess I know more about what is out there and what people think of the childcare field. You can't make a living at all in that field or not the one that my heart desires. I know that sounds kind of jealous of me but I should be able to do so much more and get paid more then what I am now. Where I am now, wasn't planned on where I would be when I am 30 and I don't want to be there then either.
         I don't feel like the field can satisfy my needs. I don't what to grow rich. I just want to have enough money to where I can feel good and healthy. I just need help in that apartment and on making my own decisions and taking those leaps of faith. I've been working way too long in my life and that is all I felt like I have been doing lately is working. The childcare field was fun for me just to be in but now it is actual work because I am barely making it by on nothing. I might be letting this money thing get to me more then it should but I can't help it. 
         Maybe "satisfying my needs" also means my personality type and the more I learn about me the more I learn I can't handle all the stress that comes with the field. I can't handle all of the changes that come with the field either. Out of all the jobs I have had, one of them stayed the same for more then a year. I'm trying to be level headed here and see both sides but that is hard too. I know people would understand and do. I'm not the only one with the hard life but right now that is what it feels like. There are some days I will admit that I just want to cry out to God but then again I feel bad for doing that. 
         When did I get so burnt out and ready to move up in life that I didn't like my degree anymore? Where was I, in college, when I could have picked out a degree that I liked or even had a minor along with it. I can't take the kind of pride in myself where you are happy with what you have and are doing. I can't stop myself from comparing. When did that ever become a bad habit for me? 
          I just want to be satisfy in my personality and my career. I just want to be satisfy in life. I want to live the life that I want to love. Where did I miss learning that as I was growing up in high school and college? I hate the age period that I am in right now because it is so confusing. I just wish I was done with it for good. I'm sick of feeling anxious, stressed, and depressed and sleepy all the time when I get home. I feel like I just need to pick on one thing at a time and be satisfy in that and when I say one I really mean one. I mean it can either be my health, more schooling, my job, or moving or anything else that comes to mind. 
            When can I be happy again? The worst thing is that I try to be strong for everyone else. Strong for my family, my friends, and even my co-workers but there are times where I just want to hide, to break down and cry too. I hope this entry makes somewhat of sense to the title and the verses that are above. I tried to fit them in in a way. I don't know what the Lord is teaching me right now from those verses. 
            Maybe when I do get to a place where I feel like I am satisfied, I can look back on them and this entry and just be happy and feel like I have all of my needs met. See that I am not comparing my life with anyone elses'. Those verses, I guess you could say, could be a goal and/or challenge for my life in the next couple of years. 



Prayer:

Dear Daddy (aka God), 
        I know I am struggling in my life right now with where you want 
me to be and what You want me to do. I am also struggling with who
 you want me to be. I see all these other things and people doing what
 they are doing and being happy with it but then I get jealous of them.
Take that jealously away from my heart by giving me something that 
will satisfy me in my life. Please meet my needs and the desires of my
heart in that way too. I need to stop trying to be happy with what I have
and go get what I need to get. I need to have the courage to take that 
step of faith and see what You can do with and for me. I might think 
I am happy where I am but is it really where You want me to be or do 
You have bigger plans for me? Put me in the very center of Your Will. 
Let that be my prayer tonight. 

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Seek Me and You Will Live Pictures-Maybe Added To This Week

               

What does it look like to Seek the Lord?

Follow in Love and Then Speak It

1 Cor. 14:1

14 1-3 Go after a life of love as if your life depended on it—because it does. Give yourselves to the gifts God gives you.-MSG

6-8 Think, friends: If I come to you and all I do is pray privately to God in a way only he can understand, what are you going to get out of that? If I don’t address you plainly with some insight or truth or proclamation or teaching, what help am I to you? If musical instruments—flutes, say, or harps—aren’t played so that each note is distinct and in tune, how will anyone be able to catch the melody and enjoy the music? If the trumpet call can’t be distinguished, will anyone show up for the battle?

9-12 So if you speak in a way no one can understand, what’s the point of opening your mouth? There are many languages in the world and they all mean something to someone. But if I don’t understand the language, it’s not going to do me much good. It’s no different with you. Since you’re so eager to participate in what God is doing, why don’t you concentrate on doing what helps everyone in the church?-MSG

1 Corinthians 14:13-17The Message (MSG)

13-17 So, when you pray in your private prayer language, don’t hoard the experience for yourself. Pray for the insight and ability to bring others into that intimacy. If I pray in tongues, my spirit prays but my mind lies fallow, and all that intelligence is wasted. So what’s the solution? The answer is simple enough. Do both. I should be spiritually free and expressive as I pray, but I should also be thoughtful and mindful as I pray. I should sing with my spirit, and sing with my mind. If you give a blessing using your private prayer language, which no one else understands, how can some outsider who has just shown up and has no idea what’s going on know when to say “Amen”? Your blessing might be beautiful, but you have very effectively cut that person out of it.

"Be courteous and considerate in everything."-1 Cor.14:40-(MSG)

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1 Corinthians 14:1New International Version (NIV)

Intelligibility in Worship

14 Follow the way of love and eagerly desire gifts of the Spirit, especially prophecy.

1 Corinthians 14:7-9New International Version (NIV)

7 Even in the case of lifeless things that make sounds, such as the pipe or harp, how will anyone know what tune is being played unless there is a distinction in the notes?8 Again, if the trumpet does not sound a clear call, who will get ready for battle? 9 So it is with you. Unless you speak intelligible words with your tongue, how will anyone know what you are saying? You will just be speaking into the air.-NIV

1 Corinthians 14:40New International Version (NIV)

40 But everything should be done in a fitting and orderly way.

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         1 Corinthians 13 (AKA The Love Chapter) has always been my favorite chapter in the Bible since I was a teenager but I really didn't think about Chapter 14 until here lately. It makes a lot of sense to come after Chapter 13 and I am getting to love that chapter too. It is telling us what Love really is and how we should really use it. For those of you, who don't know 1 Corinthians 13, it explains what Love really is so therefore, it explains who God really is because He is Love. 

           I found the first verse in the 14th chapter in a devo. this week and it just really caught my attention. I will admit, I have had some times and especially here lately, that I have had some hard times loving the people around. We are get that way. We are don't understand so we get mad at them or we don't like what they are doing or thinking so we don't act like we should. The first verse got to me because it says, "to follow love" and I got to thinking what does that mean. You could perfectly change that to "follow God". That is where my mind went right after I read it. I'm not treating this person like I really should. They deserve a better attitude from me. 

           I thought, "if I really love them in Christ like I should then I need to follow love and that means act like Chapter 13, a chapter that I have read over and over in my life, out in my life towards them. I need to be patience, understanding, not boasting, not self- seeking, keeps no records of wrong, and so on. I DO NEED TO protect, trust, hope, and persevere. Love never fails. Love is the great of all things that you can do for people especially your family and friends and the people around you. Then after I read that verse, I started to scan the whole chapter of 14 and I found some other good verses that goes right a long with what I'm learning and need to be doing. 

           Not only do I need to follow love in my actions but I also need to speak it. Just to put this in here, i love how the Message titles chapter 14: The Prayer Language and it is all about love. That should tell us something to start with. We should pray in Love towards everything and everyone. I also love the verses 9-12, give or take a few verses. It says "if no one can understand what you are saying, then why talk to them". There are some many languages around the world but the one that is always understood is Love. If you speak words and people can't understand it won't do either of you much good. 

            If you are so eager to participate in what God is doing then why not do it in love where everyone can understand everything. When you pray and after you are done praying, don't keep it dot yourself if God as done something for you. Pray for the insight and the ability to bring people into the intimacy with you. To tell them about your Godly experience or just any experience for that matter. If you don't do that, then your prayers and your wisdom is wasted on that is what the Bible says anyways. You can be expressive and spiritual when you pray but keep in mind not to bring glory to yourself. 

           Also, be thoughtful and mindful of those around you. You might get a blessing that is beautiful but what good is it if you cut people out of your blessing. Your blessing will just sit empty when it is meant to be shared. The last thing that I want to share with you is this and it is from verse 40 of chapter 14. It says: "But everything should be done in a fitting and orderly way". To me, this is what that means: Everything should be done with Prayer and then Love. You should act upon it and if that doesn't work speak it". It also shows us, especially in these chapters that God does things in order for a reason in our lives. 

          We might not understand it right away or when it happens but as I keep reminding myself: "There is a reason for everything that is happening in my life. God is just growing me closer to Him. He Loves me that much." God does things in a fitting and orderly way because He knows what is best for our lives. Life is order, when we think about it. I mean we are born and we die. We go to school K-12. We learn things at different stages at life. There is a certain developmental way for children to grow up. Everything has to have an order that is fitting for them or it. We just have to notice what our order is because God has a special order that is fitting to each of us.

          All this to say: Follow Christ in Love and live a life of prayer. To me, those are the two main ideas, besides the cross, that Christianity is all about but yet Jesus dieing on the cross for us was to show how much He Loved us. I challenge everyone to read all of the 14th chapter to get the full idea about how we should pray and love. If you want to go on, I even challenge you the read the Love Chapter (Chapter 13).  God used something that I read over and over in my life and just expanded it to the next chapter and He can do that for you too.

         I will also warn you all that the next few entries will be about prayer and love because that is something that God has laid on my heart in a strange way lately. 

God Chose Us

John 15:16New International Version (NIV)

16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.

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            This verse is my verse of the month for June. I found it at the start of this month and with everything that I am going through right now, it just seemed to fit right in. I was having a hard time with being happy with where I was and what was going on in my life but having this verse on my bathroom mirror throughout this entire month has been a good reminder for me. I am going to tell you what it means to me and why I put it up for a month.

            First, I love the first part where it says, "you did not chose me, but I chose you and appointed you". It reminded me that God loved me enough to chose me in all my mess and craziness and confusion. I will admit I have a lot of things wrong with me and I don't get things sometimes. I am still learning because that is part of growing up but God still loves me with all those things going on. He made it easy for me when He chose me because I know I didn't have to perfect for Him to love like I do with guys sometimes. 

           Not very many people now this, but I have things I don't know everyone. Things that I don't feel normal about but that shouldn't stop someone form loving me. I have things I don't like about me and things I wish I could get rid of but that is just who God made me to be. I'm trying to learn how to love those things about me because of that. They should care enough to get to know that part of me and well, right now in my life that is God. 

            Second, I love the second part where it says, "you might go and bear fruit-fruit that will last". I love that part because that just gives me hope for my job and career I am in. That gives me hope for everyday of the week. When I read it in the morning, while getting ready, I can repeat it during the day at work. I can think, "God has sent me these little children so I can teach them things that will last for a lifetime." It is prefect with one year olds too because they are just learning to explore the world around them more and more. 

           Third, I love the part where it says, "whatever you ask in my Father's name will be given to you". That right there, is a promise to me. I feel like if I keep doing what he has put in front of me for right now, then maybe later I will move on to something greater and different in the future. It could, also, just be as simple as giving me a new apartment to live in but for cheaper cost. He would do that because He knows I love my job and it is the best I have ever had this far and I wouldn't want to move on just yet or maybe never. 

          As I have been writing these out now and thinking on this verse this month, I have noticed things important points that are in this verse. 

-Point #1: 
Importance of Love: 
God Loves you for who you are because He chose you first and that is that.

-Point #2: 

Importance of Hope:

God will put you in a place and time for a reason.

-Point #3:
Importance of Promises:
 If you are willing to do what God puts in front of you now, He will be on your side and give it to you. 

          Those three things in this verse is probably the strongest things you can have in your life: Love, Hope, and Promises. What more do you what or need? Why would you go looking for it somewhere else. I know we have all done it but we need to realize that if we are true believers in God, we have all we need forever and ever. 

A Entry About Fathers

           Sorry about the title. I know it is a boring one but that is all I can come up with for now. I am writing this right now in a hurry because I am at my parents' house about ready to leave in a half a hour. I really wanted to get this written out because, even as a women, it spoke to me. When I say "it", I mean the sermon that was taught at my parents' church this morning. It was the perfect Father's Day sermon for our Heavenly Father, fathers now, and future fathers and then just add the word "husbands" in there too to make you think that way. It was strange because the preacher started out in Acts and that was the main book for today but also spent most of his time in Ephesians with the husbands' and wives' verses.
         As some of you might know I am at that age or almost at that age where I'm just sick of trying to find the right guy. It can be so hard not knowing what to look for or understand why a certain guy doesn't like you ever or right now. Ever since my situation, my eyes have been opening a little more each time, when I ask questions to married friends or listen to the Word of God. I am searching for answers and understanding because that is the most important part of seeking God in your life. I also got some prayer ideas for my future husband that I can start praying for now. For him to be a great husband and father.
       Here are some of the prayer ideas just from this morning from church:

               -He needs to seek God to know Him.
               -He needs to hate what God hates and love what God loves.
               -That He can handle the spiritual inclamets that falls on him as a father.
               -For him to be a genius person.
               -For him to continue to pray continually.
               -For him to be a devoted man at all times and with everything in his life.
               -Be good with rules, Bible leadership, and disciplinary.
 
      Here are some ideas that the preacher gave us and they made me really open my eyes and just think more about what a man really goes through as a husband and father.

               -A God fearing home starts with God-fearing husbands/fathers.
               -Have sacrificial love for the wife like God loves the Church.
                           -That means that the father will give up everything that he loves or want to do
                            for the wife. If he really loves her, he won't mind to do what she wants. Sacrificial
                            means "giving up". Giving up their time, their fun, their friends, and more to spend
                            time with her and the family.
                           -If the husbands do that, then it shouldn't be hard for the wives to submit to the
                            husbands.
       
         What I put on the end of my notes in my journal is this because I was having a hard time understanding why man are so careful of relationships or will just, what it feels like to us sometimes. just shove us aside like they don't care. One: If they "shove us aside" they do care more then they think for us even if it is on a friend based level. Two: God has really put a lot on a man. Sometimes if they do "push us aside" when just have to remember that they are just doing what is best for them right now and that if they are true Christians that God either has to work on them still or has another plan for the each of you.
        As ladies, we think we have the hard part of the job of parenting because we have to raise the children, cook, clean, and other things. Believe me, I'm not saying that is hare because it is especially when we have a lot of children but then look again at the directions God gave for the man and why they are the way they are.
        God made them that way for a reason. They do have a lot to do in life and they do care for us but at the same time they have to be just as careful if not more careful then we do, when it comes to relationships or friendships. Just think about it what if we had all that they had to do. We would think it would be just as bad or worse then raising the children. I mean the whole family status lays on the husband's shoulders. That is how God made man like He did and why.
        I got this quote from "Our Daily Bread" and it is: "A good father reflects the love of the Heavenly Father". That is or should be so true. 

Lessons on the Waiting Life

“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:14 (NIV) 

1 Corinthians 3:7, “So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.” (NIV)

Galatians 6:9, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (NIV)

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"I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth."-Genesis 9:13-TGH

"In the Lord I take refuge.
    How then can you say to me:
    “Flee like a bird to your mountain."- Psalm 11:1-THG

"God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”-Genesis 1:28-THG

"Let us acknowledge the Lord;
    let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises,
    he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
    like the spring rains that water the earth.”- Hosea 6:3-THG

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         I wrote this verses out because I needed some reminders of how good it is to wait for things in life. It might be hard at times but it is worth it when you finally get to where you want to be. I got a lot of these verses from and friend but the first three I got from a devo. one day from the Proverbs 31 Ministry. I get their devos. through email and Facebook and I just really loved and connected with one of them. It was a new way of thinking about things and about waiting when God has you in that period of your life. 
         The devo. was about the country/farmers life and how he or her have to wait for everything or that is what it seems like. The 1st verse was the main verse of the devo. The other two were just at the end. I love how the writer wrote about Psalm 27:14 from a farmer's point of view. I never thought of it that way but it totally makes sense. I mean the farmer has to wait on his plants to grow, the chickens to lay eggs, and the cows to get big enough to butcher. They also have to do different things through different seasons to save their farm especially if it is big crop growing farm. 
         The farmer can only do so much to make the plants grow and animals ready for things that they need to be ready for. The rest is total reliance of God and waiting on Him. Sure, they can plant the beans or corn or anything else but to get them to grow really well and if it is a huge lot, farmers have to pray for and wait on the rain God sends them. They also can't control the chickens and their laying times. I mean they can try and feed them well and take care of them but again it is only up to God how well they will lay when it is time. 
         Through all of this waiting, the farmers do need to have a strong personality and hope. They do need to take heart and just believe that whatever God sends them this season that that will be enough. It is also good for farmers to have a strong prayer life because they can pray for those things too and again just hope it will happen. Just think, though, that good rain might be a long way out in the forecast so long way out that people don't even see that it will happen yet. There is also a lot of trusting when you are a farmer. 
          In our own little ways, we are all farmers, even though, we don't do as much work as them or live in the country like they do. Trust me I don't want to look down on farmers at all and that is not what I am doing here. I am just learning a lesson from them and we all could learn that lesson. I have and had some great farmers in my life and each one of them were so hard headed and really believe in the Lord. Yeah, they made mistakes but there is one thing that they never gave up and that is providing for their families. 
          We need to take the time to really look at the life of a farmer because when you really stop and think about it, they are the ones with the most patience and the most trustworthy and strength in God. I couldn't think of another profession, not even taking care of children, that would top being and trusting a farmer. I grew up around a ton of farmers and although I had 2 farmers as teachers and coaches, one was my grandpa and another one is a friend and then of course some of my friends' families. It takes someone special to be farmer and then a farmer's wife in some ways but that is a whole other entry. :) 
          Next time you see a farmer tell them "thank you" or just take the time to talk to them because they probably have some good stories and lessons to tell. I regret not talking to the farmers I knew a lot more in my older/teenage years when they were still alive. That will be something that I will always regret deep down and I didn't regret that until I read the devo. that I got the 1st three verses from but who knows God might give me another chance somehow. I'm hoping and praying that He does. 

The Only One

           I just want to write a fast blog entry here for tonight. Something was said again to me today that I found odd but it could have been true and probably is if I would just stop and think about it a little while. I had a person tell me today, that I was probably the only one around that went to a place like church. Here is why that person said that. I mean she had every right to and I wasn't offended by it at all but I just never really thought about it either in that place.
           I have a little child in my class, that his dad goes to the same church I go to, and the person just asked me if I went to that same church. I don't know how people find out of this stuff but they were just talking about it and wondered if it was me because I have been outspoken about my belief in Christ. I would mention little things like where I went to church and things like that so I just think I crossed their minds when the parents were talking about knowing someone from their own church. Yes, I am proud to say I go to that church and would go to no other.
            I just thought it was strange that the person would come to me first and ask me and said what was said. The person exact words were, "Well, you probably are the only one that goes to a church/place like that so we were wondering if you went to the same one." Now that I think about it, I am probably one out of the few that goes to church where I work and not to be against anyone but that is sad in a way. We need more Christian models out there for the children. We don't need to worry about how much we are getting paid and way. We just need to love on those children all that we can.
            That is why I hate thinking about moving apartments or just making more money because I know deep in my heart that that won't matter in the long one but at the same time I need to make a living to live on and be able to buy my needs. Right now, I am very low are trying to buy what I need much less what I want. That's a whole other blog. I love the place that I work and to be honest they probably found out through my Facebook where I went to church because you know jobs look at them more often then we think.
            It just seems like at this job my faith as to grow because I have had some things said against my beliefs that could be taken in the wrong way if I wasn't too nice or too quite about things. Honestly, this place is the first place that I have felt that way. I mean I love to show and let God's Light shine through me for the children and even the co-workers so I don't want to stop working there especially since I know all of this. Then on the other hand, the question is: how long can I handle it or how long is God willing for me to stay there? I am sticking it out mainly for the children but if I can help someone else while I am helping the children that is always a plus too.
             It is good to know things like these because then you know that how you live really does matter in your workplace. Not very many people get to be just the one or the few. It just makes you what to live your Christian life stronger for Christ.

Why Go Through All The Drama?

         I was talking to a friend this past month about things. Mainly about her crush and how she shouldn't have one because of all the drama. It was just too much for her to handle and all the mixed messages that were going back and forth but then she said something that really got me thinking. She asked the question, "Why go through all the drama?" For me, I have never had a real boyfriend and that mainly because I am stubborn and sassy and independent but I have had my share of crushes.
         Some other people might want to add on to the list and that is fine with me but what I am saying is "why didn't I think of that question too?" It would have saved me a lot of pain from the past to the present if I thought of things that way. I think that having a crush is more drama then having a really boyfriend because you get your hopes up too high and then they are crushed by a person that you might have cared about. It is this whole thing with keeping your heart safe and guarded.
          My friend came up with this question when I was going through a hard situation and thinking back on it now, I think to myself that I couldn't have all the drama that goes on with the dating picture and/or having a boyfriend. Now that mean I wouldn't ever date but while I am not in it or don't have to be why do I get worked up about certain situations. Why not enjoy the single life while I still have some left for me? It is strange that I thought of that and the ideas and reasons that I came up with when I was thinking about the question. I will tell you them now.
          Why go through all the drama?
One: I am already hard enough on myself so I don't need someone else to be harder on me. I need someone who will encourage me and lift me up.
Two: I am happy with the way my life is going now even though there are days that I wished for someone in my life but I wouldn't give now up for just anything.
Three: I don't want to be too focused on a guy that I miss growing up as a good person and women.
Four: For me, it would bring me down a lot more then crushes do, sadly, and my world would be totally torn apart and I don't want to give any human the ability to do that.
Five: Just thinking about the dating picture makes me scared. I don't know why but it does.
Six: I am a very sensitive person when it comes to trusting someone like that and letting them in on my life.
           All this to say and decide that if I don't even have a thought about marrying the guy, then I am not going to waste my time on him. I can't live my life with all that drama. My personality can't handle it. God didn't make me strong enough. Now I might try to do it one or two times because like I said I never have dated so just to see how I would handle it but I get to know enough about people by just being friends with them.
          I can tell right from the start if they are my type and I am also the kind of person who likes to get straight to the point so if you don't see it going anywhere, you can tell me right off the back. I have had that done to me more times then I can count. I'm not up for any of the small talk and for me to see if I trust a guy takes a long time too. There might be times that I try to do small talk so I can tell but it doesn't take me long to see if a guy is not interested if I'm not interested. Now if it is the other way around, that is a whole other story. It is strange to write this because I know most people are always in the dating picture but for some reason, I think God took that part out of me or just making me stronger before it does come my time.
           It is like God is making sure I know who I am in Him so I won't be so hurt when my time comes if it ever does. God knows what is best for me and what I can and cannot handle at certain times in my life. I've grown so much in Him I just couldn't see myself dating and making it in high school now that I look back. I couldn't even see myself dating in college and that was only 5 years ago. I might not quite understand what God is doing now or in the future but I do know that He is watching out for me. That is all I need to know right now.
         Why go through all the drama when I know that I have God's Love with me no matter where I am going or what I do. I know He will always forgive and forget. I am always beautiful and lovely in His Eyes. I am always is little girl and princess no matter my age.

Dreams About Listening

          Let's see if I can write this one pretty fast since I have somewhere to be in a little while. I want to get it out though because I forget about it and the dreams that I have been having this past week. Usually I am not that big of a dreamer and if I do dream I just shove them off because I almost forget right away when I wake up. I am the type of person where I feel like I am somewhere else and doing something else but can't remember when I wake up. I have had two dreams this week that really stuck out to me and I am wondering why.
          Like I said I only remember where I was and what I was doing. There are no words or actions yet. Early this week like Monday or Tuesday night I had a dream to where I felt like I was just sitting and talking with someone. I want to say that that someone was my grandma, which is really special because she is gone and it will be a year in August since she passed away. I feel like it was her too because she is a wise women and I just need that with everything going on right now in my life. Like I said, though, I am not for sure, it could just be something I made up.
         I am also a person when I feel like I am in a strange or different place even if it is a dream I wake up right away. I don't know why I do that but I do. Sometimes they could feel too real and I have had those dreams in the past and they have been scary ones but this week they have just been sitting down and talking and listening ones. The one I had last night or early this morning was another one where I was just sitting and listening. This time, though, I felt like I was in a group of people. Maybe in a strange way God is showing me what to do because I know I have some groups to pick from and I wanted to talk to a family member about what was going on and I did.
         At the same time, I wish I could hear in my dreams and maybe that is the next part. I want to hear what I was listening to and talking about. I have also thought these past couple of weeks about talking to a friend about what was going on and just getting things straighten out so we could be friends again. Maybe that dream will come later down the road when we are all cooled off about things and when the time is right? It has just been a lot of talking and listening for me lately and I don't know why. I would and do even listen to my co-workers at work talk about things going on in their lives but yet I can't talk about my life to them.
          A lot of it could be God showing me too that I need to take the time and listen and talk to him when things get out of hand too. I mean these dreams could mean so much right now because my life is just like that. I would think it was neat if I keep having these dreams but they only get more real with words and wisdom and direction like I need and pray for me. It could be a way that God is speaking to me since He can only get ahold of me when I am a sleep. I know that is sad but it is true. I also noticed that those couple of nights were when I didn't take the time to pray. Like last night, I got home later after hanging with some friends so I didn't pray but instead I had that dream.
          Like last night's dream was listening to a group of people, I know some older friends have been praying about if I should join a certain Bible study so that might be an answer to that somehow too. I know that I need to be praying about it too but other things have came up that I need to pray about in my own life that no one really knows about like my feelings. It is just strange how God can get to you and get your attention even if it is through dreams too. Right now, that might have to be how God speaks to me because I really don't have that many friends in the same stage of life that I am in now to where they can just go hang out anytime and talk about anything other then marriage or children.
          I have felt more alone then ever lately because it just seems like everyone has a boyfriend or girlfriend or getting married or having children. Then for me, it just seems like everything is going the opposite way. My guy friends are not talking to me. They could care less about me. All I do every day is talk to children. Why would I want to talk about them? I just feel like I have a different life and I haven't found anyone but maybe a few people that are in the same stage as me.
         I mean my Bible studies are with older people like my mom's age, which there is nothing wrong with that because they have a lot of wisdom for me and oddly enough they have been through the same things it seems like. It just seems strange that I have that mind set now but I am only 28 years old and I should be living like the other 28 years old but I want so much more and I am so much wiser. It is like I am wiser then my age but no one can really see that because they don't really talk to me that much.
         I got off topic about my dreams there and onto another rant but hopefully you get the idea. A lot is going on in my life and I do just need to listen and talk even if it is in my sleep some nights. It might make me get up earlier then I want to like it did this morning but it is worth it because I got to write an entry. Something that I love to do in my spare time and that might seem a little strange to some people too but it is how I share my thoughts the best.
       

God and His Timing

           It is late for me and I should be saying my prayers and going to bed because it has been a so so day but I just got to thinking about something and I want to write it out. I was looking my different colleges and programs to go back to and maybe get another degree in something different because I am learning childcare is harder then I thought it was. I am also learning that I am a different person then I thought I was and I kind of wish I knew that in college. Don't get me wrong. I loved it in college and I went to one of the best ones in Missouri but I just didn't know myself at that time. I think all I was thinking about is, "Well, it is college and who needs to think 10 years down the road in college."
             I went to College of the Ozarks and I couldn't have asked for a better college. I loved that it was nestled in the Ozarks and the community there was great. I met some amazing people that I will never forget and still talk to some of them to this day. The teachers were great and helpful with what I knew about myself. I LOVED my on campus job at the daycare and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything in the world expect to replay those years there either back there or if I could pick somewhere to work like that now. Nowhere has been the same as that daycare or really child development center. That is what it was really called.
          As I have seen myself grow these past 5 years after college, I have seen that I was not the person I was back in college. I look back and think who was she and why did is pick child development as her degree and her only degree. I had no minor to fall back on. I just thought it was all about having fun because I was finally away from my hometown and high school. Trust me I couldn't have been more excited and I was away from home and trying to live on my own. I was a typically college student but on a Christian campus. I just picked a major and stuck with it and thought I could do a lot of things with this one but what I didn't think was "would I like it for my career 10 or 15 years down the road."
          Now I am going through that hard decision finally. I will be 30 in two years and now that I see that I can't live on my own or really with the money I am making right now then what can I do. I'm also learning a lot more about myself and personality in God and thinking this is not the career for me even though I really wanted it in college. Lately, a lot of people have been telling me to pray or that they are praying for me to have wisdom and guidance. That is really funny that they are saying that because I had a friend back in college that gave me that same advice if I would have only listened to it.
           I still have this friend's letter and it was written 7 years ago and my friend probably forgot all about it to this day. I reread it nonstop when I'm having doubts about my life and it has made a lot of sense in moments like these. It has some back information but I'm not going to give that out on here. Here is the quote that I love from it and that keeps me going from day to day: "It is a hard decision because you have to really pray and figure out if this is something you want or God wants. That is the hardest part of this whole thing is putting your thoughts and feelings aside and only hearing God. God is always changing us and growing us and it is good not to be comfortable because if you are comfortable then you aren't open to the change God could be making in you. Pray for guidance and wisdom and for His Will to be done. I hope God puts the answers on your heart.......all in His timing of course."
            That was more then one sentence but you get the idea. It is strange how something 7 years ago can fit perfectly in my life right now more then ever. I have found 4 colleges so far that have the OT program in one way or the other. There are some classes that I might have to retake because of the grades I made the first time in them plus there could be other classes I could take so I would have less classes to take at that college and might be more possible to get in to the program. The other problem is money and my job right now. Let's just say they don't go hand in hand at all. I don't make enough to go back to school and I am so tried when I get home.
           I'll be honest, I feel so dumb and down on myself right now. I feel like I should have known and picked the right degree the first time in college. I should have known myself better then I did back then but I wouldn't let myself or anyone know the true me. I just got done from high school and I never showed my true self there so why in college was my mind set, I think. I had people reach out and asked if I would like their help but I just refused and said "No, thank you." I was just too stubborn. Why does it take some people so long to know themselves or listen to their friends especially when they asked for help in the first place even if it was for a totally different thing back then. Back then, it was for a little thing compared to this life changing event that could happen. It is funny how that works.
         The letter from my friend helped me a lot though and it always does. Think it is funny that my friend said all in God's timing.....of course and it has taken God or me to find out what to be doing for 7 years and even longer with all the classes I have to take. God's Timing can take a long time and we just really have to be patience about it the best we can. I'm still learning that each and every day because I am not the patience person on this earth.

The Promise of Understanding

"Jesus replied, "You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will."-John 13:7


          I saw this verse on my Facebook front page and it was on the rapper's TobyMac's Facebook Page. He was the one that put it up and I just reposted it because it is true for me right now. This verse fits my life perfectly right now. I forgot where it was in the Bible so I looked it up this more and it is in the story of where Jesus washes the disciples' feet. As strange as my life is now, I can relate to the whole story when I was reading it.
          The disciples were question Jesus and they wouldn't let him do it before the knew the reason way he was doing it. He gave them this answer that I have up above but then he went on to explain something. He went on to explain what he had done and why. Even though, I am your Master and Teacher, I washed you feet. Now you must wash other people's feet as well. I was the example and now you must follow me in this. No one is more special then the other person and if we can understand that then we are blessed.
         I like how Peter said that Jesus wasn't going to wash his feet ever because Peter felt like Jesus didn't have to do it. This is what Jesus said to that, "If I don't wash your feet then you have no part in what I am doing for you." Then, of course, Peter was like Ok, Lord, wash everything then (my words). It was an act of holiness and how to be holy for Jesus. I will admit this story and verse got to me really bad this week because I wasn't treating people the way I should have and I was doubting a lot of things in my life, things I didn't understand right now.
        I have been feeling like I have to be better then the other people around me. I have to be strong and supportive and so on, when really all I have to do is just love on them like Jesus does. Loving on them could just mean praying for them for awhile and that is all I do. It could also mean helping others out by listening to them rant on and on about things because I get what they are saying. I can just be there for the people around me. I don't have to push myself on them or into my job to make me more popular or look better. I can just be me.
         That's what I get from the whole story. Now just from the verse that I put up on this entry is a whole other thing or maybe not. I will let you guys be the judge of that. Before Jesus explains why he is washing the disciples' feet, He says this, "You don't understand now but it will be clear to you later (my words). I will admit that through my jobs and some of my friends, I don't get what God is doing right now. I don't understand it at all and I hate it. I liked back in the older days when you knew college would come after high school and easy plans like that. You could just go on with your life and not have to think about anything.
           Well, here I am close 30, a couple more years and I still have no idea what I want my lifetime career to be. I am also the non patience type when it comes to planning. I am the type that wants everything done now, not 3 years down the road. I want to move on now but I realized you can't do that in real life. You have to take your time and be patience even if it means taking one college class at a time to get that future career of yours. I think I am also realizing that I want to live a bigger and better life and/or that I will be living by myself for longer then I thought I ever would be so I need to have a career where I can make some decent money.
           It is hard for me because I don't want it all to be about the money and living situations and think that I am greedy but then again I need to live where I feel comfortable on my own especially if it is going to be for loner then I thought. Right now, I don't feel comfortable with where I am in my life. All this to say, that is why the verse means so much to me right now. I don't know what God has in store for me or what He is doing right now because it just seems like a mess.
         There is a promise at the end of that verse and it is: Someday I will (understand). I can't wait to look back on the olden days and see where God has brought me in the future. I want to look back at the days I was struggling and see the blessings that God has given me since then. I want to see what God has planned for me and what He can do in my life because I know it is going to be something bigger and better then I have ever thought of in my life. He is doing what He is doing right now for a reason and though I might not understand it now, I will someday and that is a promise from Him.
         I think that verse is going to be my new life theme verse until I feel like things are under control again. It just might be my new favorite verse of all time now. I guess all this to say: "Don't give up hope because God is still working on you and He will still be working on you until the day that He comes. Life is a process and you will only get more dependent on Him as it goes on." :)

Learning and Growing Through the Changes

          I'm learning and growing a lot this week and will be doing those two things this month too. It has started out hard for me. May ended hard and June started hard but I can get through the changes. It only grows and teaches me things. New things about what to do and new things about myself and people that I care about that I didn't know.
          Let's start with my job that I do truly love and am blessed to have in so many ways. Let's just say that I really feel like a teacher and that is good because I want to feel that my entire life but it is hard at the same time. I am the Lead toddler teacher and this is what I am learning right now. We are, of course, transitioning because the Pre-K is going to Kindergarten in August so they are graduating and every other child is move up one room. Just at work there is a lot of changes going on for me. The children I started out with in the toddlers' room are moving up and leaving me and the children that I started with in the infant room are moving up again with me.
          That is really a joy for me in a way once I get everything figured and when they are turn one year old. Through all of this though, I am learning a lot about the children and me because this is my real first transitioning year. I was always the floater and not the teacher at the other places or the children would stay only a few days. I never knew how my mom or sister felt until this past few months. It is hard letting go of the children you had for half a year. Now I know what it is going to be like letting go of this group of children next May. Even harder.
         I am even leaning to ask more questions because I have to with these children and that is really hard for me to learn. Same with asking for help. I cannot just make it work by myself, I need up with the children if I am going to have 12 toddlers on bottles, baby food, and so on and just 2 teachers. I am also asking for clarification because there are so many parents that want so many different things done for their own child that the other children are not getting. Not complaining, just learning here and there. I want to be the best teacher and person I can be for the children and parents. It just makes me so nervous if I might think I will mess up.
         But I am looking forwards to growing with them, day by day, and hour by hour. I get to them learn to walk, learn to color, learn to eat real food, learn to talk in sentences and the list can and does go on. I get to read and sing to them which is such a joy for me because that is my biggest passion, I think. I can teach them new songs and more. Thinking all of these things I can't wait for next May already but then at the same time, with the person that I am, I am stressing out about those things too because I don't want to mess up.
         I have also had 3 assistant teachers either quit or changed on me during all of this changing too so I had to change things up in the room for them. Take things down and put things up and the list goes on. Who cares about me? I want to make them comfortable because I am comfortable so they will feel like helping out. That is probably just some of my servant's heart right there. Right now, with the new group of children, I am even having to change up the schedule and routine a little bit to make their day better.
         That is just my career life but when I take you into my personal life it only gets worse or has been lately. Things are changing there too. Things I don't want to change but know for now that they have to. I have to let go and see where God will take the situations. I won't go into details to save my friend because I have that respect for my friend. It is hard, though, letting go not knowing what you did wrong or you do but then you wonder why the talk didn't happen face to face. You wonder a lot of things that could have been different to save that friendship but God has something else in store. Hopefully, we'll talk again in the future but we'll just see.
         Just this week, after thinking about the situation and how I want to write more back then I already did, it is all making me think about me. Is my friend doing the same thing I did a year ago for another reason? Do I need to help because I have been through it or leave it alone? That would be easy but not if you are the cause of it. I learned how the same we are but my friend as no idea about that. I learned how much I really care for this friend. Usually I am worried for my friends when things don't turn out like I want them to but this friend I am scared for. Those two feelings are different feelings too. That is something else that I learned this week. I was just thinking they were the same in the situation but no they are different.
          I also kept thinking about how I need to say sorry and I somewhat agree with it because I could have wrote the letters a little nicer but then again I am not. I said what I have thought for a long time and I just pray that it will help my friend in the future. For me to say something that I thought for a long time and that was pretty meaningful, then it means something, I am not just saying it to get a reaction or to say something back or to have the last words. I mean it.
          I'm also learning that I do things for a reason and some of those things I need to stop if I want to have a better future at all in these types of situations. I am also growing a lot more in trusting God with everything and just letting go of it and holding on to God. Maybe more like being help by God would be a better way of saying it. I have a lot of verses that have came to my attention this week about trusting God and letting Him lead me and being committed to only Him and other things along those lines. I'm just done being strong for people. I need help. I'm going to say what I think and God can have the rest. It isn't that I don't care. It is just that I need to go on with the life God has for me for now.
         Hopefully soon, I can get some entries up here about what those verses and/or songs have meant to me those everything that is going on or did go on. I still have another month of new children coming into my room. I still have to see how to handle this situation between my friend. It is like I am learning about the things now and did in May but now in June and so on those things are going to help me grow more into the woman God wants me to be for Him.