Live the Life You Want to Love

“Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else.” Galatians 6:4 (NIV) 


Proverbs 30:8b-9:
 “Give me just enough to satisfy my needs. For if I grow rich, I may deny you and say, ‘Who is the LORD?’ And if I am too poor, I may steal and thus insult God’s holy name.” -(NLT) 

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          Living the life I want to love is so hard to do. It is also hard to not compare yourself with the people around you especially when they have the better life or so you think. I want to have just enough to satisfy my needs. Having too much or too little could be bad for a person. My question is: When do you know you are satisfied with your needs? Is it when you love your life and are happy with where you are? If that is, then I haven't been there for a few years now and won't be until a few years after. I don't know when things started to go downhill for me.
          I thought I would love the daycare and preschool field and I still do but I guess being out in the real world and comparing other jobs with that job, I just guess I know more about what is out there and what people think of the childcare field. You can't make a living at all in that field or not the one that my heart desires. I know that sounds kind of jealous of me but I should be able to do so much more and get paid more then what I am now. Where I am now, wasn't planned on where I would be when I am 30 and I don't want to be there then either.
         I don't feel like the field can satisfy my needs. I don't what to grow rich. I just want to have enough money to where I can feel good and healthy. I just need help in that apartment and on making my own decisions and taking those leaps of faith. I've been working way too long in my life and that is all I felt like I have been doing lately is working. The childcare field was fun for me just to be in but now it is actual work because I am barely making it by on nothing. I might be letting this money thing get to me more then it should but I can't help it. 
         Maybe "satisfying my needs" also means my personality type and the more I learn about me the more I learn I can't handle all the stress that comes with the field. I can't handle all of the changes that come with the field either. Out of all the jobs I have had, one of them stayed the same for more then a year. I'm trying to be level headed here and see both sides but that is hard too. I know people would understand and do. I'm not the only one with the hard life but right now that is what it feels like. There are some days I will admit that I just want to cry out to God but then again I feel bad for doing that. 
         When did I get so burnt out and ready to move up in life that I didn't like my degree anymore? Where was I, in college, when I could have picked out a degree that I liked or even had a minor along with it. I can't take the kind of pride in myself where you are happy with what you have and are doing. I can't stop myself from comparing. When did that ever become a bad habit for me? 
          I just want to be satisfy in my personality and my career. I just want to be satisfy in life. I want to live the life that I want to love. Where did I miss learning that as I was growing up in high school and college? I hate the age period that I am in right now because it is so confusing. I just wish I was done with it for good. I'm sick of feeling anxious, stressed, and depressed and sleepy all the time when I get home. I feel like I just need to pick on one thing at a time and be satisfy in that and when I say one I really mean one. I mean it can either be my health, more schooling, my job, or moving or anything else that comes to mind. 
            When can I be happy again? The worst thing is that I try to be strong for everyone else. Strong for my family, my friends, and even my co-workers but there are times where I just want to hide, to break down and cry too. I hope this entry makes somewhat of sense to the title and the verses that are above. I tried to fit them in in a way. I don't know what the Lord is teaching me right now from those verses. 
            Maybe when I do get to a place where I feel like I am satisfied, I can look back on them and this entry and just be happy and feel like I have all of my needs met. See that I am not comparing my life with anyone elses'. Those verses, I guess you could say, could be a goal and/or challenge for my life in the next couple of years. 



Prayer:

Dear Daddy (aka God), 
        I know I am struggling in my life right now with where you want 
me to be and what You want me to do. I am also struggling with who
 you want me to be. I see all these other things and people doing what
 they are doing and being happy with it but then I get jealous of them.
Take that jealously away from my heart by giving me something that 
will satisfy me in my life. Please meet my needs and the desires of my
heart in that way too. I need to stop trying to be happy with what I have
and go get what I need to get. I need to have the courage to take that 
step of faith and see what You can do with and for me. I might think 
I am happy where I am but is it really where You want me to be or do 
You have bigger plans for me? Put me in the very center of Your Will. 
Let that be my prayer tonight. 

In Jesus' name,
Amen