Finding Out a Little Bit More About Myself

      When you go through things that can grow you, it is always an adventure. It can be things you knew but never wanted to admitted or it could be new things you learned about yourself. It could also be something you could use for the future like marriage and family. I have had a big adventure these past few months starting with questioning my passion.
        I have had a lot of questions going through my head and doubts but I like where I am right now in life. Still learning but that is okay. I can look up at the sky and see the bright stars above me. I am truly happy for once and I am single. That means a lot. Everything that is or has happened in the past months to now as been a process for me. 
         Here are a few things that I have learned and not scared to admit. When I had to move in with my brother and sister in law, it was hard, even spending only two weeks with them. That drove me nuts because I have lived by myself for 4 years, starting on 5th year. That made me see how much I have grown independently and on my own, which was nice to see. It also showed me more problems I have as a person but that I can also overcome those problems with help. 

         One thing I learned there is that I like things just my way. That is good and bad. It is good because I know what I want and what I believe. It shows me that I can stand up for what I believe in. It also shows me that I am not the only one around myself because there are other people I have to take in consideration around me. You think I would know that but I must have forgot living by myself all these years. You do have to plan around other people if you come in contact with them and that can be hard. That might be the bad part about it. Now I can kind of tell what I need to work on if I ever want a roommate or even husband in the future. 

          Another thing I have learned about myself through that is that I can be and always have been a little OCD about things. I like my routine and my things in their places. If they don't have a spot, then it really does drive me nuts. Something else to go along with that is that I don't like changes even the smallest ones. When there is little changes in one big change, I am so confused and a mess. It is like I have to stay in one room for awhile because I get use to it and have a place for everything. Once I move, I have to start all over again and try to find everything again. 

           I was also worried about my things all the time. Am I going to have enough food? Where did this thing go? Can I eat theirs or do I need to eat my food? Do I need to buy more of that for me/them or can I just use theirs? The questions just kept going in my head. I know it is strange and I should feel like I could do anything because they are family but that is my anxiety and OCD kicking in. The good thing about all of this, though, was that my nephews and nieces got to spend a lot of time with their aunt and they loved it. 

             Strangely enough, and I am not saying this to be unthankful at all, but I'm glad I found a new apartment as fast as I did. My future husband is really going to have his hands full and he will need to be a very special guy for me. It was just good to be back on my own schedule and routine again without worrying all the time. My new job has also helped me and is still helping me with finding out who I really am in the career field too. I've learned a lot just in the past two weeks that I have been working there then I have in a long time. 

           I started my new job with the Kindergarten group because that was the age I was use to and did all my life. I thought I was just tried of working in daycares and preschools one after the other but that wasn't it at all. It was that I needed a break from those children. They can really keep you busy when you least think about it because they did everything done for them. While it might be fun, it is hard at the same time and you need a lot of energy to do it. I learned that I am not that adult with that kind of energy anymore.

           I am slowing down at the age of 28. :) Not really, I ended up with the group of 3rd and 4th graders last week and I love them too death. They are so freeing. They can do things themselves and you don't have to help them much but yet you are there if they need to talk to someone. For me, it is a nice break after being with preschool and below for about 8 years. At least, their work seem to make much more since then the younger children's work. I made play dough with them yesterday and they loved it. They mixed it and played with it for awhile after we were done making it.

           At the same time, I am realizing that maybe I was made for something having to do with public schools and not just random preschools and daycares anymore. Now that I am thinking about it, the first preschool I taught at was hooked on and part of a bigger school/college. That was the College of the Ozarks Child Development Center. I guess I didn't think about how different different places are when they aren't hooked on to something else. 

           I know there are more things that I have learned in the past months but those are just some of the main things that I can remember that I have learned. Things that just came to my mind as I was going through all the changes that I have been through recently. The most important thing that I have learned is that "God always will be by my side and leading me to where I need to be at the right time and place." 

The Giving Tree

        "The Giving Tree" has always been one of my favorite books of all time. It always had that meaning of friendship and caring for me. I have not read it in forever until I read it to my class before I left my last job. They all loved it! I thought about it in a different way this time.
       The way I thought about it this time was through the nature and outdoors aspect of everything and life that it really does give us.  When the little boy was little, he loved to play outside underneath the tree. He would have fun climbing it and sitting under it and even pretending it was something else. He would use his head and come up with things it could be.
         When the little boy grew up, he used the tree for the things he needed. The tree would let him because the tree loved him that much. The tree also missed him hanging out with him. It just shows us that nature can provide everything that we need. The older we get, the busier we get and forget about the outdoors. We forget how to have fun in the outdoors. It is always I need this from you or I need that from you but we don't spend time in it unless we need. We don't think about it unless we need to. 

         The book is just filled with a lot of lessons for life. The book is about every stage of life or that is what I think at least. It is about young life, middle aged life, and elderly life. It isn't just about friendship and caring. That tree gave him everything that he needed in middle life. The tree gave him money by giving apples to sell. The tree's truck was made into a boat for him to sail away in for some time. The branches were cut down to make heat for the boy. Then the leaves were for something but I forgot what. Even the tree's stump was used in a way. It was used when the boy came back as an elderly and just wanted to rest again after all life had given him. That put was like retirement for an elderly person. 

         I also noticed the two hearts that was drawn on the tree. First heart was really down low and the first one on the tree. It was about him and the tree that they were be friends forever. The second heart was drawn on there when the girlfriend went to sit under the tree with the boy. When the boy cut down the tree, he split the hearts and didn't care for the girlfriend's/wife's heart but that was maybe because she passed away. That is when he wanted to make a boat and get away from the world. The first heart with him and the tree on it was on the stump that he came back to and sat or to rest. That right there says something important to us. 

         That says that nature and even God, if you want to look at it that way, because nature is God's Great Creation will never leave us. It will alway be there in our good and bad times. We can use it for anything and yet it will still be there even if it is just a little piece of it. Nature is there for us to enjoy and take the time to slow down. It is a place where peace and grace can come from. It is a place that can be enjoyed without spending any money on it. It is a place that is for everyone and everything. It is free to the world. Now from my point of view is that the best gift that God can give us. Nature at the times that we need it for our lives. 

           We can play, use, and rest in it whenever we want to and as were grow older. The ways to use it is limitless from biking on trails to growing things on it to hunting it and more in between. A lot more! We need to get back in nature and save it for the future children. We need to get the children on today back out there instead of on the computers, iPads, and phones. Those things only limit their thinking when nature can grow it. 

The New Apartment

        I am thankful for my new apartment. I am writing this on my phone so that is why it is so small. I love it so much! It might be a little iffy at night and on the outside but that does not bother me. It is bigger then my last one but not where I really want it to be. I will live with it though. I cannot complain about it. Like every thing else in life, picking and moving apartments has its ups and downs in each one.
         The kitchen and bathroom are a lot bigger. The bedroom is about the same or a little bit smaller. That is where I would like a little bit more room. The bedroom closet is a little bigger too so again I cannot complain. There is a little bit less cabinet space and bar space but then again I have three storage closets to put my things in so that is good too. The clothes room is twice the size that the one at my other apartment was and this one has double doors to close it in where the other one I had to use a shower curtain to cover it up.
         I love the location it is in though. I think that is my favorite thing about it. It is by a lot of houses and neighborhoods but it is also fenced off. It also has a few trees around the places especially the side I am on. It is one of the buildings when you come straight in to the apartment complex. It is also right across from the mailboxes, which is always a plus. To me, it is like living in the country or closer to it because there is less traffic noise and it is smaller.
         It is also really dark and pretty at night like it is in the country. I call it a small town (Centerton) because compared to Bentonville it is. There was also and still is a lot of rust around the apartment but for what I am paying I can live with it. I am not all the way unpack yet and I don't know if I will get to be. I think I have more odds and ends then can fit in the new place. It is close enough to where I can get together with friends and family but then stay away by myself when I need to and just enjoy my alone time. I can also still be involved with Bentonville things but at the same time have that alone time. 

         It is also a quite place most of the time even though I have little dogs and children living above me. I hear the dogs more then I hear the children. It is just that feel of awayness that I have always wanted. I think my other apartment was just too in the center of Bentonville with Wal mart employees living there and for it being by the square and the parks. Don't get me wrong I loved it but at times it could get annoying like during the spring and summer months. 

         I could not ask for a better place to live right now. It is away from everything and that is what I need right now in life. God has just blessed me with this spot to live right now. I need time for God and me. He is renewing my mind, right now, in amazing ways. I have been praying about a new place for about 2 or 3 years maybe and I finally got it. I finally got up the strength to look and pack so I could move. I finally found the right place to where I felt comfortable doing that. 

         Sometime God does take, what seems to us, like forever even in the smallest things like moving but we don't get that sometime. I think through all of this waiting for a new job that I like and moving to a new place, I think God is trying to show me something while teaching me. It is okay to wait what might seem like forever because it will be just the way you want it or even better because God knows what He is doing. These two things might seem minor to other things that I have been waiting for in my life but it is a good life lesson and something to think about. 

The New Job Look Alike

          I Love my new job! It is my dream job for now until I get an idea of what I want to do next with my life. The job kind of goes along with my "Living to Serve" plan that I made up in high school during a FFA conference in Washington DC. I am going to write it out and then tell you how my job is almost like it and why I like it. Maybe in another entry about my job. Keep that I came up with some of these things when I was in the 11th or 12th grade in high school. Now 5 years later some of it is coming true for me.

My "Living to Serve Plan"


1. Commitment Statement

     I am committed to being a leader and taking on a "Living to Serve" plan because: I want to respect people more. I also want to help out my friend with their problems.


2. Curiously Observe

     I had nothing on this page when I first filled it out but now I would have a lot since I have lived in a bigger city for 5 years.


3. Own a Problem

      Choose one community you'd like to impact

           Get a youth night at church or kids' night.


      Describe the problem you want to address within this community

             get a youth night because youth really needs people to show them hot to live, not really a church but a life that is better then then they have for kids too.

   
       What does this problem "speak" to you? Share the interest/passion you have for this problem and community.

        Just hearing what the teachers say about them and their life. I also like kids.


       Think of 3 or 4 people from your local community that you would trust to help you solve this problem. List their names below. This group will be known as your accountability team.

          Mom
          Pastor


 4. Maximize What You Know


       Describe, as fully as possible, why this problem exists. Identify at least 3 or 4 main reasons.

             It exists because kids have broken homes and nobody wants to be a youth pastor. Some youth just don't believe in themselves.

       List the people involved with this problem - those that contribute to it, those trying to do something about it, and those affected by it.

       Little kids
       Youth

      Explain the attempts already being made to address this problem.

           Our church has children's church.

5. Multiply the Possible Solutions


      Brainstorm and record at treat 3 possible solutions for this problem. Briefly explain each.

             1. We could have Youth night on Friday so kids wouldn't got to the bars that night since that is when they do things like that.

             2. We could have a kids' day on Saturday where we play games and have meals, and snacks. They could come whenever.

             3.


6. Unpack each one

 
      List the advantages and disadvantages of each solution. Think about time, people, money and effort required. Also consider how likely each solution is to work and work well.


7. Narrow Down to One


    Consider your time, interest and ability to solve this problem. Also evaluate the appropriateness of your involvement with this issue.

     
        Select one solution.

        Give an overview of the solution.
                I'm going to try to have a Kids' Night at my school. We are going to do all time. Kids can come and go. We would have meals and snacks.

         Create a name for this plan.
                 Kids' Fun Night or Beautiful Time

         Describe your vision for this effort.


This is where I stopped at the conference but the other 3 questions were in our books.


8. Invent a Plan


     Describe the proposed final impact of this plan.


     Describe the resources and assets available in you community to assist in this solution.


     List the major steps and tasks to accomplish your plan. Number each major step.

 
     For each step and task, assign a deadline.


     For each step and task, identity people or groups to assist.


     List the expenses needed to carry out this plan.


     Identify opportunities to raise funds for this plan.


     List opportunities to involve the media with your efforts.


9. Take Action


     Record actions taken and tasks completed. Make changes in plan as needed.


     Complete the following summary of plan when completed.


     Number of other youths involved and impacted by your effort.


     Number of adults involved and impacted by your effort.


10. Yearn for Improvement


      At the completion of your plan, reflect upon your experiences. What have you learned about yourself and about serving others?


      What would you do differently?


      Describe your vision for this effort.


11. Celebrate!


         How do your plan to celebrate your success?



        There is a point to this entry. I am going to try and explain it in the next entry because this one is really long. I want to explain it like this but I think I will just write it has a normal entry because you can look at this one if you don't understand what I am talking about.

Our Needs Are Met By God

       I have been away for a few weeks because I haven't been able to really get on my computer without internet but now I got it up and running today in my new apartment so I am back writing. I have a lot to write about because a lot has happened these past few weeks and I need to unload my mind a lot. I hate it when I can't write things out. There has been a lot of sermons like last night's sermon and last weekend's sermon that I need to write about too. I have to tell you all how my new job is going and what my new apartment is like so keep looking and reading this week.
       I just thought it was right to start out this part of my blog with a entry titled "Our Needs are met by God" because I have felt like a lot of my needs and even some of my wants were met because of God. I can tell you right now too that I have ever been more happier with life then I am right now. That is a big need that was met my God and it didn't go any way that I was planning it to go. It was all God's Way. When I get to talking about my new job and apartment, just remember it is all God and I give the credit to Him all the way and for everything. God does, for sure, get the glory in the past month of my life.
        The needs that have been met by God and still being met by Him as I'm still trying to get things together and in the right spot have been overwhelming for me. I will admit I have cried to myself a few times just this past week. Those tears were tears of joy and happiness for where God is leading me too. I have also seen a lot of the needs, more needs, that I need God to meet before I can go on with the other areas of my life. Areas like marriage, family, and continuing my education or another job if I get one. I just think that I have grown up a lot in these past few weeks and hopefully you will see that in the entries I am going to write this week or at least try too. Let's say in the next two weeks.
        I really feel like I am following God now more then I ever was before and yes there are some ups and downs as you will see in other entries but after giving Christ my life again in Feb. of this year, all that I am doing just feels right and like I am following Him. This past week seemed so long ago that it seemed like only yesterday I quit my other job but it has been a week now and it has been 2 weeks since I have been out of my other apartment. Through all of this though, big and little things, I have seen God at work in my life and I love seeing that. I am of fan of God when I see Him working in big ways in my life.
        I will tell you too that I have also learn that some of the Needs that I got these past weeks were hard needs to get but God knew and I knew I needed them but I just didn't want to truly admit that I did so God did that for me in ways I never thought possible. Right now, a day goes by that I don't see Christ meet one of my needs. He will, at least, do it once or twice a day or that is how many I see. I know there is porobaly more that He does, of course. God helped me focus on Him and what He was doing in my life then worrying about the other things that were happening around me and that I usually worry about.
        I can't wait to share with you what my life has been like in the past 3 weeks and what I have learned because of the things going on in it. Some of will be amazed and some of you will be proud that I finally get the concepts after all these years. I just am thankful that I can start in two new places and honestly feel like I can be myself in those new places then the places I have been before. I don't have to hide anything. Just to let you know that when you feel like you have to hide things that you know or learned because no one takes you seriously that is not a job to be in at all. Yes, that is a thing that I have learned the hard way for about 4 years now.
        When we can't share our needs with people or just don't, then how can we see God meeting our needs that need to be met? Think about that. That is my challenge for you today and until I get my other entry up. 

Listen to the Word of God

"If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything."-1 John 3:20


"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"-Jer. 17:9


        I am outside, in a park, writing on my phone because there is no internet around. I was not going to waste this prefect and beautiful day by staying inside. I am sitting by a small waterfall with my flip flops off and just saw a guy in cowboy boots walking kids across the waterfall. Anyways, I am going to write about the two vereses above.
         The 2nd verse we talked about last Sunday at church and the first verse I found while looking for the 2nd verse. I thought they went together so here they are. I love the way the pastor explained the Jer. 17:9 verse. The topic was looking within yourself. It was a communion type sermon. This verse just hit me all of the sudden when he said it and explained it. I have heard to before but something else hit me. 
           The pastor talked a lot about displine from God and the differenece between unworthiness and worthiness. The pastor said that being worthy is following God's obedience and caring for others. He also used Heb. 10:24-45, which talks about encouraging each other up and stir up one to love and do good works. What really got me though was Jer. 17:9.
           Looking inwardly at our hearts is the place that we should start and then work out from there. I loved it when he said, "God is our only standard. No person or event is the standard." Then he started talking about our listening to our hearts and feelings are wrong. They can make us go the wrong way because they are wrong but the Word of God will take us the right way. 
            The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond any cure. No one can understand it, not even when we think we do. That is why we have to turn to the Word of God. See what He says about the sitaution or relationship. We might have a stir in our heart but that is when we check with God. I have had some good stirs and some bad stirs too. 
            The first verse even says that our hearts will comdemn us. We know that God is greater then our hearts so why not listen to Him. He knows everything anyways. Through these verses, I have learned how important it is to really look and read and follow the Word of God is. I see how He can truely speak to us through His Word.
             We need to renew our minds with the Word of God, not with our feelings and emotions. Some other verses to look up or heart and displine are: Heb. 12:4-10, Phil. 1:27, Eph. 4:1, and 1 Thess. 2:12. Oddly enough, the main verses for the sermon was 1 Cor. 11:17-33.

In Sickness and In Health

           I am at a coffee shop on a Friday night writing this entry. I know I have a big house to myself but it isn't the same when I really want to think and write about something that could be a big entry. Just sayin'. As you see in the title, I have been thinking somewhat about marriage lately but in a good way. I have been learning more about it and what it really means and that those vows you say are really life vows. I talked to my mom this past weekend about both sets of my grandparents and I found something really caring and loving from their relationship. Here it is.
         Oddly, enough because older and getting ready and thinking about marriage, I have been comparing the marriages of people in my life and just watching carefully too. I notice that the vow "in sickness and in health" can mean everything in life and it does really because it means different things. It means something as simple as just getting surgery or old age to really caring about them spiritually and just praying non stop that they will live the life you want them to in a way. The last one really gets me because that fits my personailty in a way.
          Starting with the old age example: my grandma ( dad's mom) passed away before my grandad (dad's dad). It was so sweet what happened a year after. My grandad passed away a few days before his birthday. You have to understand that both of their birthdays were in the same month only few days away if that. My grandma was taking care of my grandad because he was just older then her and reaching that time in life but oddly enough God took my grandma home first. Not long after He took my grandad too because God knew without my grandma there to take care of him on earth he would live in pain and God is not for pain. In sicknesses and old age, in a way, my grandma kept my grandad alive.
           Now going onto the spiritually part is my other grandma (mom's mom) and grandpa (mom's dad). In this marriage, my grandpa passed away first and my grandma went on to live like 7 years after him but you could tell she was going down in sickness right after my grandpa died it just took 7 years. My grandpa was a strong, very independent type of guy, so strong that no one could do anything for him. I don't know his whole life story sadly yet and might never know it but from what I get from people around me is that he was a strong Christian. My grandma was a strong Christian though and prayed for my grandpa every chance she got. I can also see her just pleading with God about changing grandpa for the better.
           I will always love my grandpa for the guy I knew him to be and that is the strong, very independent, joking, country/farm living man he was. It is the commitment that my grandma had and the hope that she had for him that I see after they are gone. She held on for those 7 years in hoping for something and I believe in that strongly. Yet, there was also a time that she either had to realize that he wasn't there anymore or wasn't going to be there anymore and I believe that is when she passed away. She held on for so long, the love and hope kept her alive for longer.
          As I am writing this now, I am thinking about my future marriage if Lord willing and seeing these 2 marriages and the other living ones around me now while I am thinking about marriage is a big encouragement to me. I feel like I am in the middle of the two of my grandparents. I want a Christian man and will only marry and strong one at that but at the same time I will need to support my future husband in something that he loves to do like his passion because it has grown so big into something. I do that now off and on at times I feel like but now I know it will never compare to when I get married. I will just have to support my husband more like praying for him everyday, encouraging him when he leaves for work, encouraging him in his walk with the Lord, and so on.
          At the young stage of marriage, the support will be with what he is doing but later on in the marriage it will be in sickness and in health and am I ready to deal with that. Seeing what I saw my grandparents go through and parents and others are now. I would what to be like my grandma (dad's mom) and pass away first because I understand going down hill after your husband passing away. You don't know what to do with yourself if you have been helping and worrying about the husband all your life or since you could remember. That is what marriage is really about and I see it in this. You are really connected when you tie the knot.
           You will really be with that one person for the rest of your life so it is nothing to fool around with. You will worry for and about that one. You will love that one. You will cook for that one. You will live with that one. You will raise a family with that one. That one will see you at your worst and should still love you for life. I wish I could come up with more or better You wills.......but I can't right now. If anyone has anything, please feel free to comment. For me, why would I even want to date? I would probably date one or two times and be done if the guy wasn't the one. I'll be honest right here and now. Yet, if I was honest with myself, I can't wait for that feeling, if Lord willing. It will be the best feeling in the world or that is what I am told at least.

Seeing the Good in Correction

        I'm not going to right a long entry on this one because the verses kind of explain themselves. I will give the main idea. though, and that is: There is good in correction and discipline, both from God and from parents. We never want to make light of either one. I say this but yet it is easy to tell what this entry it about because the verses either has the words "discipline" or "correction" in them.
        For the "new" readers: Yes we do get disciplined by God but it is not the hurting kind, like sickness, all the time. It could be like losing a job or not getting to hang out with a friend or taking time to rest when we won't let ourselves rest but know we need to. Just little things like that. The reason I wrote these verses down was because I was taking some correction in my life like I should have so looking up these verses helped me calm down and take the advice from the people around me. It could also help you grow more in Christ if you take it that way too.


-Proverbs 15:32- "Those who disregard discipline despise themselves,
    but the one who heeds correction gains understanding."
-Hebrews 12:5-6- "And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

-Proverbs 15:31- "Whoever heeds life-giving correction
    will be at home among the wise."


-Hebrews 12:11- "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

-Proverbs 15:5- "A fool spurns a parent’s discipline,
    but whoever heeds correction shows prudence."

-Proverbs 15:10- "Stern discipline awaits anyone who leaves the path;

    the one who hates correction will die."

-Proverbs 15:33- "Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the Lord and humility comes before honor."

-Hebrews 12:10- "They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness."

-Hebrews 12:7a- "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children."

Psalm 31:14-15-A Verse for Waiting

Psalm 31:14-15

14 But I trust in you, Lord;
    I say, “You are my God.”
15 My times are in your hands;
    deliver me from the hands of my enemies,
    from those who pursue me.

        I love these two verses because they are really strong especially in the situation I am in now. I need to trust the Lord because He is my God and everything will happen at the right timing. It also helps be remember that my times and life are in His Hands. I am not alone going through what I am now. God is with me at my side. God will deliver me from the hands of people and things that are not good for me. He will also will take the doubting and lying people away from me. 

        Things will get done in God's timing and I might not see it now or yet. I know when I look back at this moment in my life, I will be thankful for what He did. It might even be a huge blessing for me in the long run. I have different feelings now and my thoughts on certain things have changed a bit, if not a lot. I just feel like I am either, learning a lot or that God is disciplining me for some reason.

        I like the thought of "learning" better. He could even be doing both. One situation is for discipling me and the other is for me learning how to become an adult. As I keep trusting the Lord through this time of change, I will say "He is my God and things will turn out great". I can't wait to look back at this moment in a couple of years and ask myself, "How did I ever get through that messy situation?" I do want to do that because I know it is changing me, like I said before, but just don't have time to think about how just yet. That takes time, right?

        I will try to write more this week. Sorry that I have not been writing as much. It was Labor Day this weekend. I have been sick for 3 days and all I want to do is sleep. I still am a little sick. You all are, kind of, lucky that I am ever writing this entry right now because I should be in bed and it is only 7:46. That is how bad I feel. 

         

A Reason and a Season

"Each Season is a gift."-Krista Williams-Proverbs 31 Ministries


" I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that."-1 Corinthians 7:7



          Sitting in a coffee shop with cloudy weather and thinking what is next in my life. That is how my day is going so far. Add drinking an Frozen Oreo Mocha and writing on my own computer to it too. Reading this quote and verse and thinking they should be the theme of my life right now. God is giving me a season that I never had before in my life and yet it is strange for me right now, it will be easy to get use to. I have only been with other people (brother and family) for about two days.
         Living two lives can be hard but yet good at the same time. My 2nd life gets my mind off on my own life and on the lives of everyone else especially my nephews and nieces. They, of course, love having their aunt at their house for more then one day or night or so many hours just to babysit. Like I said though, this season (Month) has been really hard for me. I have seen and now know what real anxiety is like for me and yes I do still need the meds because I don't know how I would have gotten through work yesterday and packing and cleaning the other day.
         I have cried so much these past few days that it is ridulaous. I am just going to have to marry a guy, God willing, that is ok with me crying sometimes and understand why I cry. It is just part of my anxiety and I could even have a little panic attack. I did Tuesday night while packing and moving everything. Tuesday I was up and I to go sign papers for my new job and then go work my old job and then move and clean right after work. It all just came on so fast for me. No plans were really made. I think my panic attacks are just me crying really hard and having shortness of breath because of that crying. Because of the shortness of breath, my head hurts and I have a really bad headache after I am done crying and for some of the day after depending on when I cry.
         That is one thing I have learn now for certain through this season. I always thought so but now I know. Another thing I thought I know but now is for sure of is I HATE change for the life of me and that raises my anxiety. I have notice through my job especially that it is okay and I am okay if I have planned a job to quit my other job but I need a plan right afterwards. When I don't have a plan right afterwards, that is when my anxiety comes over me. I'm so happy for my job that I am getting now and I know it is a job I want because I have work for it and it was hard. Why would I work for a job that I really want while working another one?
         The other way I have notice I don't like change is not having a plan for myself. I don't like just randomly moving into someone's, even part of a families' house, it is too much and it is not set for a long time. I know I would be moving anytime and that is hard especially when you have to live out of bags and not getting to sleep on your own bed. I like having a Plan A more then a Plan B and that goes for anything because I can think through things instead of getting it because I need it especially on the job front.
           I don't know how I'm going to make it if I ever get marry and have children but then again as long as my husband will let me plan some things and take it slow then it will be good. I am not one of those people who can have a wedding in 6 months. I would go crazy! :) Then the children part will be tricky but that will be decided when and if the time comes. I know after this season that I am for sure a person who likes to have a plan for everything. I knew some changes up set me but I know now that even bigger ones do and I know why I cry more on big plans then little.
           I will say also that I do really try and stop the crying but when I think about stopping because I know I am too old to be doing it then I think that is when I get the shortness of breath because I'm trying to stop it but I can't and that is also when I can feel my head starting to hurt. It is all strange and I hope I'm not the only one like that but a lot of times it does feel like that. Feels like at 28, I am the only one that cries as an adult but I am trying to work on it and stop it if possible. I am taking meds and things like that. I'm trying to learn different relaxing positions and ways but I still haven't really found one that works or really fits into my time.
          I will say though that if I do get married and have children there will have to be me time to do yoga or any excise class or times for drs. appointment or be by myself like at a coffee shop. That is another thing that my future husband will have to allow. This anxiety and being an intorvant is not easy but that is how God designed me to be to be the appearance of Him so the world will just have to deal with it. :) This season and, oddly enough, gift has helped me understand myself better. Now get ready for entries about my new job and how that will change me because I know it will but only for the better because it is a job I want to stay at for a long time.
         One more thing: this season of being single of me is good because I get to learn things like this about me and it will just make a marriage better. Whereas if I got married at 25 like I wanted to, who knows if we would still be together or at least be living a happy life. The more I am learning about myself the more that I am thankful for the time that I am single. I, honestly, am and can honestly say that so much better after these few months and experiences.
         So this is how I am starting out the month of September. We'll see if anything big happens this month. Hopefully, big things will.