A Reason and a Season

"Each Season is a gift."-Krista Williams-Proverbs 31 Ministries


" I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that."-1 Corinthians 7:7



          Sitting in a coffee shop with cloudy weather and thinking what is next in my life. That is how my day is going so far. Add drinking an Frozen Oreo Mocha and writing on my own computer to it too. Reading this quote and verse and thinking they should be the theme of my life right now. God is giving me a season that I never had before in my life and yet it is strange for me right now, it will be easy to get use to. I have only been with other people (brother and family) for about two days.
         Living two lives can be hard but yet good at the same time. My 2nd life gets my mind off on my own life and on the lives of everyone else especially my nephews and nieces. They, of course, love having their aunt at their house for more then one day or night or so many hours just to babysit. Like I said though, this season (Month) has been really hard for me. I have seen and now know what real anxiety is like for me and yes I do still need the meds because I don't know how I would have gotten through work yesterday and packing and cleaning the other day.
         I have cried so much these past few days that it is ridulaous. I am just going to have to marry a guy, God willing, that is ok with me crying sometimes and understand why I cry. It is just part of my anxiety and I could even have a little panic attack. I did Tuesday night while packing and moving everything. Tuesday I was up and I to go sign papers for my new job and then go work my old job and then move and clean right after work. It all just came on so fast for me. No plans were really made. I think my panic attacks are just me crying really hard and having shortness of breath because of that crying. Because of the shortness of breath, my head hurts and I have a really bad headache after I am done crying and for some of the day after depending on when I cry.
         That is one thing I have learn now for certain through this season. I always thought so but now I know. Another thing I thought I know but now is for sure of is I HATE change for the life of me and that raises my anxiety. I have notice through my job especially that it is okay and I am okay if I have planned a job to quit my other job but I need a plan right afterwards. When I don't have a plan right afterwards, that is when my anxiety comes over me. I'm so happy for my job that I am getting now and I know it is a job I want because I have work for it and it was hard. Why would I work for a job that I really want while working another one?
         The other way I have notice I don't like change is not having a plan for myself. I don't like just randomly moving into someone's, even part of a families' house, it is too much and it is not set for a long time. I know I would be moving anytime and that is hard especially when you have to live out of bags and not getting to sleep on your own bed. I like having a Plan A more then a Plan B and that goes for anything because I can think through things instead of getting it because I need it especially on the job front.
           I don't know how I'm going to make it if I ever get marry and have children but then again as long as my husband will let me plan some things and take it slow then it will be good. I am not one of those people who can have a wedding in 6 months. I would go crazy! :) Then the children part will be tricky but that will be decided when and if the time comes. I know after this season that I am for sure a person who likes to have a plan for everything. I knew some changes up set me but I know now that even bigger ones do and I know why I cry more on big plans then little.
           I will say also that I do really try and stop the crying but when I think about stopping because I know I am too old to be doing it then I think that is when I get the shortness of breath because I'm trying to stop it but I can't and that is also when I can feel my head starting to hurt. It is all strange and I hope I'm not the only one like that but a lot of times it does feel like that. Feels like at 28, I am the only one that cries as an adult but I am trying to work on it and stop it if possible. I am taking meds and things like that. I'm trying to learn different relaxing positions and ways but I still haven't really found one that works or really fits into my time.
          I will say though that if I do get married and have children there will have to be me time to do yoga or any excise class or times for drs. appointment or be by myself like at a coffee shop. That is another thing that my future husband will have to allow. This anxiety and being an intorvant is not easy but that is how God designed me to be to be the appearance of Him so the world will just have to deal with it. :) This season and, oddly enough, gift has helped me understand myself better. Now get ready for entries about my new job and how that will change me because I know it will but only for the better because it is a job I want to stay at for a long time.
         One more thing: this season of being single of me is good because I get to learn things like this about me and it will just make a marriage better. Whereas if I got married at 25 like I wanted to, who knows if we would still be together or at least be living a happy life. The more I am learning about myself the more that I am thankful for the time that I am single. I, honestly, am and can honestly say that so much better after these few months and experiences.
         So this is how I am starting out the month of September. We'll see if anything big happens this month. Hopefully, big things will.