This is my 600th entry on this blog. I wanted it to be more of a better one but I also thought writing one about this subject was needed. I'm not writing it to get feelings from others or worry others or get talked back to. I'm writing this to show no one is prefect not even me. This will be the most see through one I have probably written on here all these years.
The first couple of weeks of being 29 has been hard for me. I don't know how people do it by themselves. So far that is how I am feeling. It is probably the most important turn around point in a person's life and no one to guide me or walk with me. The two weeks plus a little more have been very busy and confusing for me. I feel like I'm in the song "Smoke Break" by Carrie Underwood. I've had a lot of thoughts like that song and doubts. As soon as my birthday passed, I started thinking about traveling the world again in the coming year. Then all the more grown up talk started to come out of the blue. I thought I was ready but I am not.
For example, I really wanted a house of my own. I might get to have one but while talking about paying the mortgage and the loan, it scared me. We even started to talk about repainting that and even though I want to, that scared me too. Then that got me thinking about money and my job again. I hate to think about that. I either have to get two jobs if I want to keep the one I have now or go back to college or take some classes to get a better job. I've thought about both. Right now, just thinking about taking some classes to be in the classroom. I am still wondering if the job being a teacher for upper grades is for me. I don't think I can do preschools anymore. My other job right now is just subbing at other preschools.
Then there is the always scared that I'm going to always be alone. I've just talking more to guys then I usually do. I have to hold myself accountable on some accounts with some guy friends. Being 29 has been very lonely for me so far. I need another person to talk to about all of this. My age and the same situation in life. How do I find that in this big city called Bentonville? The city of business and older people. This is not the city for mid-age people unless you are from here are you have a really good hook up with people.
The first couple of weeks of being 29 has been hard for me. I don't know how people do it by themselves. So far that is how I am feeling. It is probably the most important turn around point in a person's life and no one to guide me or walk with me. The two weeks plus a little more have been very busy and confusing for me. I feel like I'm in the song "Smoke Break" by Carrie Underwood. I've had a lot of thoughts like that song and doubts. As soon as my birthday passed, I started thinking about traveling the world again in the coming year. Then all the more grown up talk started to come out of the blue. I thought I was ready but I am not.
For example, I really wanted a house of my own. I might get to have one but while talking about paying the mortgage and the loan, it scared me. We even started to talk about repainting that and even though I want to, that scared me too. Then that got me thinking about money and my job again. I hate to think about that. I either have to get two jobs if I want to keep the one I have now or go back to college or take some classes to get a better job. I've thought about both. Right now, just thinking about taking some classes to be in the classroom. I am still wondering if the job being a teacher for upper grades is for me. I don't think I can do preschools anymore. My other job right now is just subbing at other preschools.
Then there is the always scared that I'm going to always be alone. I've just talking more to guys then I usually do. I have to hold myself accountable on some accounts with some guy friends. Being 29 has been very lonely for me so far. I need another person to talk to about all of this. My age and the same situation in life. How do I find that in this big city called Bentonville? The city of business and older people. This is not the city for mid-age people unless you are from here are you have a really good hook up with people.
I know I feel this way every year when I get older but it is because I am getting older and I need to change and grow up but it is like me thinking how will I do that this year. It is hard sometimes when your birthday and new years are almost at the same time for me. I can only think of what New Year's Eve and Days birthdays feel like. It is like I get new friends or group every year. To me, it is by seasonal right now in this moments of my life for the most part but there are those special people that no matter what I will always be there to support them and encourage them on even if it does take away from my own life.
I will admit to that I have stayed up later then I should a lot these past 2 weeks just thinking about things again and playing situations in my head that will never happen. I am at that point again and for some reason I always come back to it. When will that ever stop if it will? It is so much harder when you are on anxiety meds too. I should have never started them because I now feel like I am dependent on those and it is even harder to get back to "normal". That is a goal I have for this year but I don't have anyone to go through it with me or that totally understands that problem. People keep saying that you will find a way to not needs those meds anymore one day and right now I don't feel that way.
I have been feeling a little depressed too lately. Just with all of these things going on in my life. Just thinking about them have worn my energy down to where all I want to do is sleep and I don't even want to eat a lot, not even the chocolate I brought home from Christmas. It has mainly been supper that I haven't wanted to eat because I have been too sleepy. Then breakfast, I haven't gotten up on time but that isn't on purpose. I just come home and don't feeling like eating at all. I did eat some yogurt last night and that was a first time in a couple of days that I have ate supper. My attention have been to others things that I don't even think about eating.
I have been feeling a little depressed too lately. Just with all of these things going on in my life. Just thinking about them have worn my energy down to where all I want to do is sleep and I don't even want to eat a lot, not even the chocolate I brought home from Christmas. It has mainly been supper that I haven't wanted to eat because I have been too sleepy. Then breakfast, I haven't gotten up on time but that isn't on purpose. I just come home and don't feeling like eating at all. I did eat some yogurt last night and that was a first time in a couple of days that I have ate supper. My attention have been to others things that I don't even think about eating.
People just think it is so easy to do what you want but it isn't. Some people just think I need to stick it out for one job. That I will get use to it but I won't. I always feel like God is telling me something else but I have no support in what I feel like I really want to do. My dream. It always helps to have a group around you that supports you in the way you want to go but I don't have that yet. I know a lot of my family reads these entries too but I will admit this because it has been a problem for me in the past. I have thought about drinking. I mean I just thought about that last night before bed while I was in bed. That is how hard life is getting for me. Something I thought I would never do or never think about doing I did for a bit.
I know people that know me might be reading this might find that surprising as well but there are just some points right now where I just feel like God is repeating Himself so much that messages and verses don't even work anymore. Even talking to some good Christian friends don't help because it feels like they are saying the same thing over and over and over. I don't need words of encouragement. I need action and support right now. I'm crying as I am writing this now too, I will admit. I'm just overwhelmed and need some people to talk to about it right now. Some people that aren't to busy with their own lives.
I know I am hard to talk to and hear sometimes because I can be quite but that doesn't mean give up on me. That just means I've been let down a lot and I don't know who I can really trust to side beside me and walk me through things. I push people away I know that but I need people who text things like "we are getting together tomorrow nigh not matter what" or "Are you busy right now because we need to talk?" or things like that. People that are more outgoing and demanding but in a nice and caring way. I ask this and then it might scare me but that is when you pull me closer in so I don't back away. I'll be honest too with this. I can't live like I am now for much longer. My personality has to change somehow, someway but I CANNOT do it alone.
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