Prescribed Burn to Beauty-A Poem

Hebrews 12:28-29The Message (MSG)

28-29 Do you see what we’ve got? An unshakable kingdom! And do you see how thankful we must be? Not only thankful, but brimming with worship, deeply reverent before God. For God is not an indifferent bystander. He’s actively cleaning house, torching all that needs to burn, and he won’t quit until it’s all cleansed. God himself is Fire!

Prescribed Burn to Beauty 

There are things and thoughts growing
in your heart. Things like trees, so strong, 
and grass growing everywhere. There are
even leaves that fell from the trees. You
sit back and wonder, "What do I do with
all of this?" I want it clear and clean for 
New Love to come in. 

My thoughts grow like weeds in the woods. 
One by one I can't get rid of them by just 
picking them. What else can I do? I try to
pick them each day by renewing my mind
but they keep growing back. I am trying to
think of the strongest thing that I can get rid 
of them by. 

Prescribed burn is a way to leave things behind.
It is a fire that burns everything in its path before
it is time for it to be reborn. It is something healthy
to do to the trees and grass. It makes them regrow 
more healthier and beautiful. It is a process that
makes us be more thankful for who we are then
who we were. 

When it starts, you can't see through the smoke.
there is a lot of it. That is the same with out hearts
so many things get in there and the Lord can't get 
in. He starts burning the bad things and ideas until
He can get in. He is torching the bad things that 
needs to be burned. He is not just going to stand by
and let all those bad things get in our hearts. 

God just wants to make me new and beautiful. He
is just cleaning His house, which is my heart. He
wants to burn away all the old, wrong lessons and
teach me new ones that are right. He wants to make 
me a New Creation just like the tress and grass in the
Springtime. God is the Consuming Fire within me! 
That is the kind of prescribed burn that I want within
me. 


Written By: Tiffney Wilson

Written On: March 28th, 2017

What Anxiety Really Feels Like

         "Anxiety feels like an attack on your own body and life."

          

          That is what this entry will be about. That is the summary of my life off meds. or even when I am changing over to different meds. which I am trying to do now but it isn't working. I can really tell a difference from the other meds. I was on before. The meds. I am on now are not working at all even with 2 pills, which is a really high dose compared to where I started with it. I have never felt this bad when I have changed meds. before and this is probably the forth time that I have tried to changed. That has to mean something for the other med., right?
           I have been on this new med. for about a month now and it hasn't helped at all. I just felt like I have gone downhill. It got so bad last night that I almost cried in my bed while trying to get to sleep. I think the meds. I am taking now is making my axienty worse and giving me a little sign of depression. It is funny that those two things are a side effect when that is why you are taking the meds. in the first place. 
            I have also noticed that my life is a rollercoaster when I am trying different meds. That rollercoaster about crashed last night. There was and has been so much on my mind. I had never felt like that before. I think it is because I know how "normal" life feels with the other meds. it just makes me mad. I have also been staying up later because of the things on my mind, which is making me a little late for work and really sleepy throughout the day. I just slept almost all morning this morning and still feel sleepy and like I could go back to sleep. I came home and tried to turn on my bedroom light and the lightbulb blew and made my closet and bathroom blow too. I had to fix it by turning off and of the switch and it turned the other two on but my bedroom light is still out. 

           That is when I had it. I started to cry just a little bit but that is went I went back to sleep. I just couldn't take it anymore with one thing after the other going on it feels like. I also felt so confused and like I had to decide things right now, this was last night before I went to bed. I was sitting on my couch going over everything that worried me starting with this past Saturday. I was thinking "deeply" again. While that might be a good thing once in awhile, I think with me when I'm thinking about a lot of things that is bad for me because my thoughts actually do get all tangled up inside my head. I don't think I noticed how real of a thing anxiety until now and I have had anxiety for about 5 years and tried to get the right meds. and I think I finally found it. 

             Don't think I saw what it could be earlier because I didn't find the right meds. until now. Yes, I would stop little things like the crying and nail biting but I was still tried and would get mad easily at people when they didn't deserve it among other things. I even found myself eating a little bit better when I was on a med. that worked for me. Anxiety really does make you consume things even when you don't want to. I remember last week to that I started to shake sitting down and doing nothing which was a feeling that I have long forgotten on the other med. To be more honest too, I was thinking last night that I might even have my first panic attack/anxiety attack without even crying first. Usually I get them or feel like I will get them when I cry for too long or so hard but last night was scary because I felt like I was going to have one any second without crying. It was something new for me. 

              I thought I knew the signs before but now I really do know them and this time it has been confirmed that I do. I am going back to the meds. I was on before and hopefully be back to more cheerful and engertic like I was before. It is strange too because I do feel closer to God when I am on meds. that work because my mind is not all confused with other thoughts and I think that is what I miss the most right now. I was hearing and speaking to God to where everything made sense to me until this past Sunday. Then things started to get jumbled and I started to doubt myself. A lot of you might say that is Satan doing his thing but I really bag to differ. I know this entry shows a lot of who I am and more of my personality then I would like or should probably show on a blog but I just want to get the words out there as well. I was once stubborn and didn't want to get meds. for this problem but now I am paying for it when I should be paying for other things. 

              I am trying to "fix" myself when I should have already been "fixed". I mean come on I have had 4 jobs counting the one I have now in the past 5 years. I haven't had a date yet in my life, which I am happy about but we also know this could be part of the reason. I have friends come and go because they didn't understand me at all and I couldn't help them understand because I didn't understand either. Well, now I do and I don't mind sharing if they will only ask me to instead of walking away. 

              One real way I know I have anxiety for sure is this: "I might look like a strong girl on the outside but on the inside I'm just as weak or maybe weaker then the other person. I hide a lot of things on the inside because I want to look normal on the outside. That is why I need God and people around me." 

               I hope this gets out there and that people will share it. I don't mind if they do because people really need to know that it is real and not something made up or an excuse for not doing something. It is real and we need to stop covering it up and dealing with it for what it really is. I have never been this outgoing about it before but now I know what it really is and I feel like my life has been on hold because of it. I will tell you one more thing that I notice when not on the meds. or the right ones. Everyday feels like it drags on forever and then that makes the week drag on forever and it makes you get sick or bored of the same old things sometimes. You would want a change right then and there but can't have it so you start to get upset. Some of you might be thinking well, it is better then going by fast. To tell you the truth, no it really isn't because you sit in your past without knowing because you are bored or so you think. 

              Now this is the end of my rant so I am getting off my soapbox so I can eat lunch and then go to work because it is about that time again. 

Helping a Friend

        This title is sort of boring, I will admit but the entry is going to be full of stories. I love spending most of my weekends with a friend of mine and the children that she has in her care right now. It is giving me some experience of what it is like being a foster parent by myself and seeing if I want to do that. I can also go back to my past and remember the children I had from the shelter and share experiences with her that I experienced there. It is strange that I have someone who understands me now and that I also understand back. I love hanging out with her and her kiddos. It also lets me see all the different places around NWA for children.
         With that being said, I got some new ideas for me one day, if I ever start a business of my own or something like that. Like yesterday we went somewhere indoors because it was raining outside, that place had puzzles glued to the wall. Not just any puzzles but the lock and unlock kind and some that also opened up to see what was inside. I never thought about anything like that before. While that part of it is fun, it isn't the most important of the hanging out at all. I am very thankful that she includes me with her and the children when they go out places because I enjoy children so I enjoy seeing the children play places. Is that strange?
         I love see her children play in those areas that they are taken too. I love seeing children happy even though they life is a mess. It just seems to give us adults something to think about in life. We could have everything we need yet we aren't happy about it but these little kids have nothing and look how happy they are. I also love seeing changes in children of any sort that is why I want to be and am a teacher. Yet foster children you can see the most change in because it isn't just the learning part but the emotional and physical too. My friend has had the 2 children now for about 3 months and they have changed so much. The little boy is happy all the time now. He smiles and laugh more then he did when she first got him. He also walks now instead of scoots.
          The little girl is getting bigger everyday and also getting more hair everyday. She has happier too. She seems like she is able to trust my friend like a mommy too along with the little boy. My friend just started leaving the little girl in the nursery at church two Sundays ago and I think she does fine in there. I feel like I am more then just there are the places to play. I do help some if not a lot. Yesterday, we went to a place where they had place centers and the little boy just walked around to each center. I got to hold the baby girl for awhile because she just wanted to be held. She would cry if you put her down at all. It was a pretty small place with her loud cry so I held her for most of the time. She (the baby) talked me into it.
            Then at the little boy's party I was there and I watched him while the other parents were talking about their children and other things that parents get together and talked about. Dads with the dads and moms with the moms. I had a fun time watching him some. I just feel like I am a service to my friend sometimes and I don't mind it at all. It is another way that I can use my passion for children. It is a different way and I wold never have came up with this way but it is a fun way at the same time. Getting to help all three and sometimes four people in just a few hours. I even got a smile from the little girl yesterday and that was the first time she smiled at me.
             It does get me behind on my housework some and other things I have or would like to do but I don't care. I love hanging out with children and friends especially the foster children. I'm giving them my time and that is something that they are not use to. Like I said it is a strange way for God to be using me and I'm not quite sure how much He is using me but I know He is even if it is just a little bit. That is something. He wouldn't given me this opportunity if He didn't want me to have it for something. It is all a part of His Plan for me in some way. I also like how it is outside of the shelter because comparing the two now that I can it is very different for me.
           I don't have anyone to tell me what to do expect my friend and that is okay because she is in charge of them but it is one person not a whole company of people trying to get more then caring for the children. It is more personal, I guess you can say, in a nice way and I am more of a personal person so it fits my style just right and God knew that. I have been to a lot of places with her and helped her out with the children like the children's museum and even the big art museum. We have been walking on trails a lot too. It is just fun to play with other people's children when you don't have your own or at least it is for me.
           I will be honest and say though when I hold that baby girl, I do get the feeling of wanting my own children back again every time. Those thoughts come back to me every single time that I hold her. It is hard but I am still holding on to that dream of someday. Anyways, it is fun to help a friend especially when they have the same dreams and passions as you do in life. Never quite experienced that until here recently and it is a great feeling.

Satan is Picking on Other Flaws

           I feel like Satan is picking on another one of my flaws. He is trying to get me anyway he can or that is what I feel like at least. He knows that I am happy with the job that I have now so he knows he can't get me that way. I feel like he is trying to get me to look down on my beauty or trying to get me to blame other people for what is going on in my life. The second one is hard to explain without saying what is really going on but I am going to try anyways later on in this entry. Right now I am going to talk about how He is trying to get me to think I am ugly.
          I was going to use another entry for this but I think I will just talk about it on this one that way I can cut an entry faster and go onto another one that I have ready in my drafts. I feel like lately he has been talking to me loudly about my image and not in a good way. I always use to be the skinny girl in high school and college because of all the running and walking I did during those years plus I didn't have stressful jobs. Another thing that has changed throughout the years is taking meds. for my anxiety. I didn't want to come to terms with having it so I didn't take the meds. but I finally broke down after maybe my 2nd or 3rd year in AR.
          Here lately, like in the past year, though I have noticed that I have been gaining weight faster then ever before in my life. Granted I do stress eat and things like that that I could stop but I believe a lot of it has to do with the meds. I am on and not having the money to buy healthy enough food. I have been going back and forth on yoga and I use to do a lot of walking but since I moved last year to the apartment I am in now there is really no place for me to walk that is near there like there was my other apartment. I have to make the time to go to yoga or the community center to just walk or walk anywhere for that matter. Just in these past few months through is when I noticed a bigger changed and faster one.
           It just seems like I have noticed it after I turned 29 this past December. Is there normal for that age? Do we get all body worried then and onwards? Lately, I have been able to tell that my shirts are too tight on me along with my jeans and pants. I noticed before my birthday my pants were getting too tight so I just thought I was gaining a little weight and then my shirts started to get too tight too. I just feel like I have no clothes to wear anymore because they are all too tight. My clothes are all since college type clothes and now they don't fit me anymore. It seems like every weekend when I want to go somewhere I have to change my outfits 3 or 4 times because everything I try on is either too tight or shows my fat. It is the weekends I feel the worst because during the week for my job I just have to wear jeans and t-shirts so they aren't so tight.
         That is one flaw Satan has decided to pick on and I hate that because like I said I was never body worried like I am now. It is really bad. There have been some weekends where I would cry after trying on 3 outfits because I worry I don't have enough clothes that fit anymore. It is also that strange age where guys should be looking at you and you should be getting serious about them but at the same time for me, I am getting fatter and don't feel beautiful like I should so I worry that no guy will like me now. I don't mean everyday but just when I get the fat feeling or that my clothes don't fit.
          The other flaw that Satan is trying to stab at me is my confidence. I guess you would say. It is hard to pin point because it is something that someone said to me but then deep down it really bothers me because of the actions someone else is doing. Does that make sense at all? It is like someone is tell someone else to do something and I don't like what that person is telling the other person to do. It hurts deep down even though I know the people are just playing around and being crazy (Own person's words). So in a way, I guess it does go along with what I think about myself like my beauty and looks. That's strange now that I think about it that way. Glad I put the two together in an entry. I like to think of it as this: "Someone can't find a person for another person. Only God can find another person for a certain person." Makes sense?
          Depending on how the person is saying it and talking about it, it can make me feel less without the person even knowing they are doing it. It is comparing me with another girl or with other girls. It is not knowing something that I know yet trying to push something else on someone. It is hearing that you should be looking there when really you should be looking here. It is a lot of things in a lot of different ways but really all a girl can do is pray about certain things, right? Giving her thoughts and feelings to God trusting and knowing that He knows what is best and will lead you to that thing and away from Satan and the lies he is telling you.
           Any girl is special and beautiful in the Eyes of God no matter the what the situations are. God could be using things and situations like this one to teach me and let me know that I am worthy in His Eyes and only in His Eyes. I shouldn't care about what other people are thinking. Yet, at times, and during certain days and seasons of our lives it is hard to remember that and things going on could hit us the wrong way. That is why we should give them and other thoughts over to God and let Him take care of thing before we blow it all out of the water. Believe it or not, us girls, can and will do that without even knowing it at times. That is why it is important to have a Love Relationship with God first and then other things, if God willing, might fall into place.
           

The Strategy of God's Mission

          This was a sermon during the month of Feb. maybe the start of March. Can't quite remember when but I know it was somewhere in those two months. :) It was the 2nd to last sermon of the series called, "The MISSION of GOD".

-Mark 11:17


-John 14:12-14
         -Whatever you ask in my name
         -Anything in my name
         -In Jesus' name (His Salvation)
         -In Jesus' name (His Passion)

-John 15:7
         -Whatever you wish

-John 15:26
          -Whatever you ask in my name

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God Answers Prayer in Jesus' Name

 -John 16:23b-24
           -Whatever you ask in my name

-Luke 11:9-10
           -Everyone who asks receives
           -Preserve in Prayer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God Answers Persistent Prayer

 -Matthew 18:19-20
           -Anything you ask for
           - in My Name


God Answers Unified Group Prayer


1. Ask God to show you what He wants you to do.
2. Listen for God's assignment.
3. Keep specific, strategic prayer request lists. 
4. Gather together regularly for unified, persistent group prayer.
5. Pray expectantly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Prayer is not about getting whatever you want. It's how God releases power on you to get whatever He wants."


God Answers Persistent, Unified Group Prayer in Jesus' Name.


"Prayer is the strategy for the mission of life."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-Jesus needed quite, secret prayer time.
           -How much do we need it?

-Praying in secret makes you more humble. Prayer rewards may be something
people can't see like inner peace, humbleness, or God's Presence.

A Love Poem That I Heard

If love is patient and love is kind

Then I’m certain that this love is not mine
It doesn’t envy, indeed doesn’t boast
But that’s the love I’ve lived the most
It is not proud, how could this be?
For love self-seeking has always sought me

It is not angered, nor records no wrong
Perhaps that’s why I still don’t belong
It delights not in evil, but only in truth
This love, it’s foreign since my youth
It protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres
Exposing depths, my heart's great fears

So now what more does my heart say
To feel at times so far away
From love that’s mirrored of God’s own face
Accepting, humbled, His gift of grace
It is not earned, nor is it measured
But to know Him, my heart is tethered
I strain to raise my eyes off me

To look upon ONE who truly sees
My limping life, so slowly has grown
A friend of God, I am fully known...

Now faith, hope, and love remain...
Yet love becomes, my greatest aim. 

                 A poem that I heard from church on March 18th, 2017 from the preacher. 

Happy 2nd Birthday!

             I got to experience one of the most amazing birthday parties ever yesterday! Nothing could have made me more happy then this party so much that I did start to cry at it because I was just overwhelmed by it. I also missed having the chance to do it too. My friend is a single foster parent and she has two children that she is taken care of and the little boy's birthday was this past Friday (17th). His party was yesterday and I got invited to it and it was so much fun for me. Just to see a party outside of the shelter for a little foster kid was an experience in itself.
            I can tell you that at the shelter we did cupcakes and a lot of gifts that were donated to the shelter to give the children on birthdays but that is nothing compared to experiencing a foster kid's birthday with someone you know. It gets to be big and wherever you want it to be. It isn't just at the house or a building. My friend had her little boy's party at a big and nice playground where he could play and the adults could play with him. He actually had some friends that he knew there and some of his siblings were there too. It was just a nice get together for some more foster parents. I ended playing with the little boy the most and watching him because I was the only adult there with no children but I had fun too. Just getting to spend time with a foster kid again makes my heart happy especially at his birthday party.
            I get to be at that special moment of his life and also get to give him something too. I brought him a shorts outfit to wear and 3 little magnet trains. He loved the trains so much that he carried them around for a little while after he opened them. His "mom" even got him his 1st ever tricycle but he didn't seem too interested in that at the party. Too much going on there. That was another neat moment I got to be apart of. It was funny because he didn't get into his own cake too much if at all. He would rather and did have goldfish crackers and grapes instead of his chocolate cake. He did lick the icing off of the candle though. Then there was a rainbow cake with white icing for the other children and adults and then some chocolate cupcakes too with green and orange icing on them. There was also blue, yellow, and red streamers everywhere like on the tables and poles.
            It was just a joy to see the smiles on his face throughout the party and just seeing him playing like nothing was wrong with the world. He also played with the balloons that were used for some of the decorations when it was almost time to leave. He love his balloons. He really didn't get to open any of his presents because his siblings that were there, with their foster parents, were just a little too helpful and fast for him. They opened up all of his presents. You would also see him just run around with the bigger children acting like one of them. You knew he wanted to be like them so bad. He played on a slide that he loved non stop. He did go on a few different slides and the spinning toy but he mostly went back to one certain slide. The slide had little spinners on them and they went around as the kid went down. It reminded me of a sensory kind of toy.
              It is moments like this little boy's birthday and some holidays that I just want to take the children with no homes or parents in to live with me. I mean just think not celebrating anything must be a boring and unfunny life. It was neat to because it was his first birthday that he knew or understood more of what was going on. You know when children are 1 year old they have no idea what is going on. I can tell you, though, this little boy was fully aware of where he was and what was going on. So much that he had fun for about 2 hours and was getting sleepy by the end of the party. He was rubbing his eyes and his eyes were getting darker and darker underneath.
              Someday I hope that I can be apart of some child's life like this but for now I just have to do with what I got. :) I think God put me where I am now just to see how fun and serious it can be. I bet He is wondering if I would stick with it and the more I see my friend do it, the more I will want to and will stick with it. I will tell you all, though, working at the shelter and having foster children of your own is not the same at all. You are in control of the children in your house, no building or no-porfit is in control of them. It is under your roof so you are mainly free to do what you want unless the state puts limits on you and they might sometimes.
            Neither way is easier but I think one is more rewarding then the other. When they are under your roof, you know the change that you have made in them was all you if you are the first one to have them. you don't have 3 other teachers around them all the time or half of the time. You are there with them night and day. Weekdays and Weekends. Maybe this would be a good route for me to go on? We'll just see. Still thinking about it and that is all I can say for now.

Being a Strong-Willed Woman

          Being a strong willed women is hard. That is the nice way to put it too. I really don't mind being called determined, or stubborn either. I was called determined all through my high school years but now I am strong willed. Most of the time and for most things I like being strong willed but there are some things that are hard to do in life too when you are that kind of women.
            For me, the hardest part is finding a guy to date or even a future husband. Come on, when you think about it what guy wants a women that is stronger willed. What guy wants a women that can do everything or almost everything by herself? What does he have to save her from? That is what most guys think these days. That they have to save a women.
           I have a totally different perspective, though, and it is I look for someone I can work beside for the Lord. That is what God really wants for His people. He wants us to be compatible for Him. Yet, women are suppose to be under them but that doesn't mean they can't have say in things.Being a strong willed women, that is hard to do. Finding a guy that will take me as I am and love me for who I am. Sometimes I think I need to become helpless and hopeless to find the right one but then I remember that people like the kind of people that they are too. 

           If I because the helpless and hopeless type then I will only get those kinds of guys to like me and I don't want that. I want a strong willed guy to like me back. I know I regret saying that or will someday because I can only think about how many fights we might get into from time to time. Then again, God can use two strong willed people together to move mountains for Him. I don't like seeing strong willed guys alone doing all the work for God. It is there that I feel like I want to be apart of the work too. It is there that I just want to join in and go along with the flow. It is not because I need help living but it is because I want to and think a certain guy is worth my time. 

          It is because I can see God moving in what a guy is doing and how God is moving in his life as well and I want to join in those thing. It is crazy how women think that being strong willed is a bad thing and we can take it overboard with not wanting to get married or have a family of our own. We could just want to work all of our lives because that is the only way we see how that strong will in us will get to work itself out but that is so wrong when you look at it through God's eyes. God would rather have two strong willed people work together in life then just one or one strong willed and one helpless. I know for me being strong willed helps me do what I feel is right and if that is to encourage my friends or future husband someday then go it. That is how God is going to use my strong willingness and He is using right now too. 

            If my strong willingness helps me to raise children myself by being a foster parent then be it too. I am using it for good instead of bad. I am using it for God, then for bad change. I'm not upset about it at all but I am upset that guys don't see that in woman or they see it and then they run away from it because they are scared. They shouldn't be scared of it. They should be proud that a women as some will about herself. If she didn't, then what would the world be like today? I just have to keep reminding myself that someday a guy will come along liking this about me and that I will be able to use it with him and along side him. I will admit I'm scared about the fights we might get into but now, for me, is the time to learn how to control it to where I can get into less fights with it. 

           Not saying to learn to stop the fights because that will never happen in a marriage but at least to, maybe, cut down on a few fights. :) If I didn't have that strong willed, then who would I be? Would I be like everyone without that strong will since I wouldn't be able to stand up for what I believe in? Would I just go with the flow and forget about trying to help people that need it? I don't want to be like that either so I like being a strong willed women and I will just have to find a guy that likes that about me too. If I don't find a earthly guy/husband, there is One that made me that way because He Loves me that way. That One is God. :) 

Spoiled Against Hurt

          "A mother knows her own baby's cries and the different between each of them." You know how people and scientists say that or something close to it. Well, I believe there is another part to it if you have worked with children for long enough. I believe that, even if you don't have children of your own, you can tell between a spoiled and hurt cry. I realized that while I was subbing at a preschool this week. It was a hard day for everyone especially the children for some reason.
            It was the first hard day I had at the preschool but I didn't mind it at all. I actually liked what I saw because it gave me hope that even children in "normal" settings need help too, not just at a shelter. Working at as many different children places has I have you will see differences and learn how to tell things apart like the crying. Here are what I think the differences are between a spoiled cry and a hurt cry.
            A spoiled cry is just a lot of random screaming and tears. Sometimes it could even be fake. It is a cry that will stop right away when the child gets what they want. It is not as aloud as a hurt cry. It is more of a sobbing one. A cry where they will either hold onto you or not want you at all. They will try to move to the thing they want even if it means using people to get it. You can usually redirect it pretty easily if you catch it fast. It can be redirected with a good or bad thing like with another toy or a punishment. That one does not get under my skin at all.
           A hurt cry, and I am not talking about the one where a child just falls down, but the one where a child has been abused. This one does get under my skin really bad. If I can't do anything about it, I get really shaky and upset at myself. I would do anything to get them to stop crying. Here is what their crying sounds like. At first, it is just a denial of doing what they are suppose to be doing. Telling the adult "no" and talking back. When the adult starts to touch them and be really strict to them, they start to act up more and more.
           It is until the caregiver/teacher makes them do what they need to that they start crying and screaming. They start to kick and throw themselves down on the floor. They will do anything to try and get away from the adult. They will even try to throw things like a cot or just some toys at the adults. Sometimes the adults will have to hold them down to get them to calm down.
           While the caregiver is holding them to keep others safe, they will scream, "you're hurting me" and other things along those lines. Anything that they think will make you let go of them. If that doesn't work, they will start kicking, hitting, and biting and maybe even cussing at the person holding them. For a child that has been abused, crying is a sign for serious help, not because they want something. It is a behavior that shows they need love and attention for sure, not things.
           As you can see, in my opinion, there is a lot more to a hurt cry then a spoiled cry. A child that is crying because they are hurt is trying to get a lot more from the adult then the spoiled child. A hurt child is trying to get their needs met while the spoiled one is trying to get more things. It is strange that you can even see that much in a young child but it is true. It all goes back to the environment that they are growing up in.

Paying Attention to God

          This past week was full of God working in my life and me paying attention to Him. It is really strange how God can align His things with mine or maybe I'm just doing it the other way around. It just seemed to fit this week. God and His timing. It is the small things that God does actually start you out with to see and pay attention to and then He will go onto the bigger things. Like with me this week, it was with the Bible study, weather, a gift and a certain day. It was really strange. I couldn't get things off my mind. Everything was out of the way that they were suppose to be or usually are.
           I will start telling you about the Bible study because that is when everything came back to me. Actually it all started around Christmas but I forgot about it for a month and a half and after that it came back to me because I had to do it. It wasn't Christmas that God wanted me to do this thing but this past Saturday. Anyways, back to the Bible study first. The study was on Crisis of belief. I know that might kind of seem funny with this situation but it was a choice I had to make even if it was just a small one. I could have had a big impact on that person's life and I would never know. I couldn't stop thinking about the person at all this week. Everything I read and was taught this work through the study I could connect somehow to the person and job.
           It was like God telling me that I had a choice to make right now and that it was a small crisis of belief. It was God testing me to see if I could trust Him or that is how I looked at it. This action took like a month to get read for the certain day. It had two parts and I had to wait on both of them that is why it took so long. I will admit I had been praying a few days before that this choice would change the heart of the person or at least make an impact on the person somehow like getting deeper with God or knowing that I was there once again. I don't need to get anything back but it was just a nice thing to do. I was a little scared the person would either get mad at me or things would go wrong so that is another reason I prayed for the person and choice. I mailed the gift two days before I wanted it to get to the person. Mind you this is all being planned without knowing the weather in advance and that was not on my mind.
           Here I was planning the gift, like I said, a month and a half in advance and this person wanted to do something with friends or the certain day but the person asked only a week in advance if anyone had any ideas. Well, nothing happened on that certain day because the weather was rainy, ice, and snowy all in one day. Mind you in March too. It did all of that in the same day switching off and on. The person I sent the gift to didn't have a big party or get together but did something that the person loved to do by their self. I didn't think much of it until I was praying last night and asked a friend this question: "Do you think that God could have sent the weather so the person could be by self?" "Could it oddly be an answer to my prayer?" If you are reading this and was in that weather this weekend, don't blame me. Often time alone is when we really think about things and ourselves or at least I do.
          Things just lined up here too well to think that something big and strong didn't have in either of our lives. I'm not saying that anything did but I'm hoping and praying something did even if it is very small. I might never know if that day or those prayers have been answer but I can keep on believing they did. With everything going on, I was busy too which is good for me and is an answer to prayer too so I didn't sit around worrying about that gift and the person. I was actually peaceful and if you knew the whole story and more details, you would know how big of a deal that was for me. I was peaceful not just this weekend but all week with mailing it and ordering it and everything that went into it. I was a little nervous at first when it all started but I prayed for peace and God's direction and I felt like He gave me just what I needed to do.
            All this to say: "Once we know how to pay attention to God and actually do so, He can really change our outlook on life, one small thing at a time." I hope this all makes sense. It is kind of hard to write something like this when you can't write the names of the people or things. I don't want to embarrass them at all or myself on here so that is why I don't. I want people to see that God can really work in your life still today if you just get to where you can love Him deeply and believe in  (have Faith) in Him.

Listening to God in Different Ways

        It is funny how all this week I have wrote an entry a day. Notice that I do it in the mornings though. That is how unbusy my life has been this week. All because of a 5 hour training tommrow. Subbing really does make a week go by faster. Let me tell ya! Anyways, that's not why I am here. I am here because I have learned the different ways that God can speak to me and I want to share them with you. The different ways God can speak are: through pray, the Bible, the church/people, and situations. I'll try and give you examples of each.
          Prayer is where I can hear God speak the most. I see a lot of answers to prayer. It is something easy I can do and very meaningful too since I write mine out. Ideas even pop into my mind during a prayer or afterwards if I would take the time to sit there and just listen for awhile. Prayer is a good way for me to speak to God because I can write out my personal thoughts even more personal then I do on here about people and my life. I also love it because I can look back at the prayers I have written out and see how God is working or has been working in my life. I can look back for answered prayers. I can be reminded that God does listen to me at times even if it is takes like 6 years to make things happen. 

          I learned something this past two weeks about prayer though. You have to be on the lookout for things to happen and be expecting them throughout your day. God can do amazing things around you even the littlest of things but if you aren't expecting God to fix it or take control over it then you won't know it is Him working in it. You can say the littlest prayer during that day about your car getting fixed or stop making the noise that it is and then you notice it do later on that day or right then but you just think it is by chance when really God heard that small pray that you prayed. It was God that fixed the car. I know some people would even go ahead and take it in because they are scared it might  make the sound again but worse next time. I will admit I am not there yet but that is where I want to be in my life. God is growing me in that area of prayer.

          The Bible is not a strong suit for me yet but I am going to work on that area of my life. I can't really say how God speaks through the Bible to me because I don't read the Bible like I should especially with situations in mind that are going on in my life. I mainly read it just to study it and see what and who God is all about. Yeah, this is another area where God really needs to start working on me with. Yes, I will come across a verse or words for that day or that problem, which I guess is a way of God speaking using the Bible but I never look at it to see what I should do in life or with a situation. That is what I need to grow in more of with the Bible. I want to see that God will do the same things for me as He did for the people of the Bible times if only I will believe in that way. I think seeing the Bible for certain situations with help me make my faith stronger too. I always learn a new passage in or idea about the Bible in a Bible Study and I say I want to go study that more to put it with my life but I never do. I always forget to do it when I have the time.
          The church and people around me are two separate things for me. I can hear God talking to me by the sermons that are taught in church but not in any other way. The sermons are tied in second place with situations being important to me. There isn't much more to say about the church. The sermons are the only thing that gets to me besides the worship songs that we sing. I guess I could also say the Bible Studies that they provide like the one I am in now. I am hearing God speaking a lot in it but that is it. I don't quite understand how else God speaks through the church other then those ways and maybe I am overthinking and that is all. I don't know. 

          I don't hear God speak through people to me a lot but that could be because I am not the talking kind. I am also stubborn when it comes to talking about my feelings and personal life. You really have to know me for me to talk to you about my life. I don't just open up to anyone. If I am going to ask a person a question I want them to follow up with me or that question and situation. I want them to care about me too in a way. I am adding this one but God can even speak through words and maybe this is what is also meant by people. When someone says, "Come see me again soon" or "You better come see me again soon." Do it if you can! Because you never know when the last day will be for a person especially if it is a grandparent or someone you dearly love. More words are, "She is getting bigger/taller every time I see her" means you are growing to fast so you need to come and see me more often. I think for me when I hear God speak through people, they have to be people closest to me or that I know really good.
            Then there are situations that God speaks through and that is probably the 2nd way that I can tell He is speaking through me personally. It might even go a little above the church and people. Just because I am really observant and like to know everything about everyone. I know that sounds creepy but I don't mean it to sound that way. If you knew me, you would know what I mean. I love it when God speaks through situations for me especially if they are good situations like quitting a job for a better one or doing this thing for a friend or so on. Now it is the sad situations that I don't like so much but I know sadly God has used some of those situations to get my attention about things in my life. I know I have grown stronger in some areas because of those situations. Situations like losing jobs or losing loved ones and so on. 

           God doesn't only speak through the big situations. He speaks through the little ones too even the very little ones like should I main this card to this person. Should I say "hi" to this person? Should I stop by and see this person even though I am sleepy and busy? When God tells us to send this or go see this person, we should because we never know God's plan in that moment of time. It could be for them or for us. It could be the last time we get to see them or say something meaningful to them. We don't know life but God does. I know for me giving hugs to the ones I love have really grown on me. I use to be so shy as a girl that I wouldn't go up and hug my grandparents because I wanted to. Mind you, they would come and hug me but it just wasn't the same. I knew they loved me but did they know I loved them back. Now I go up a give the ones I love a hug every time I see them. 

             There are just some ways that we can listen to God in different ways and these ways are from my Bible study book. I do believe that there are more ways because God can chose anything to get a message across to us if He needs it to get to us. Another way I love to listen to God is through His Creation. There is no better way then that. Actually that might be my 1st way that I can hear God listening when I am out in His Creation. Everything He made/make has something to say about who He truly is. Every flower, every sunset, every storm, every season, and so on. Don't think I am teaching you the four ways God can speak because like I said I am not one to limit God at all. I'm just summarizing what I learned from a book. 

Challenge: Think about how God speaks to you the best. How can you hear God the best?

          

I Purpose to Be.....

....Listening and Praying.

          

          God has really stressed those two things to me already this month. It just seems like He has something He wants me to hear but I haven't quite figured it out yet. The sermons and Bible studies have been about prayers and listening. I know I need to spend some more time listening to Him especially from the Bible but I thought I had praying down. I have done it all my life and I am a big fan of it. Yet everything has been on a deeper level in prayer. It hasn't just been on how to pray but how we can pray for deeper things. How to have a real talk with God and then wait for an answer whether we like it or not.
           My problems are remembering and/or looking for answers to my prayers. There are times God will pop in and say, "hey, remember when you prayed this. Here is the answer." I know there are some times when He doesn't remind me but then I look back and am like "oh, there the answer was." It could have been I missed it totally or just wasn't what I wanted it to be. God does that a lot because He knows better then us. Lately, that is what I have been leaning about. I have also been learning about how to pray for a deeper meaning of life without being scared to. Letting go of things because that is easier later in life.
           I have been learning that God has a plan for this earth and He just uses me to make it come true. He also wants other people to see Him working through my life. He has a plan for me already so why try to change it through prayer. I just need to be willing and let Him know that. I have also seen that I can be too detailed in my prayers but that is also my personality. I like details and to know what is happening but then again how can we see God at work if we only limit Him to what we think He can do.
         It is also strange how God would start the theme at my AR church and then continue it for two Sundays at my parents' church. If that doesn't tell you something, then I don't know what will. I have so many entries on prayer that I will be lucky if they don't go into next month and if I get them all written out. The entries will be about things like the strategy of prayer, how to pray, the different ways we can get the answers to pray and so on. I am really interested to look back on the month later on in the year or like next year and see some of the results because of learning about prayer.
           I can also see how good I listened to God and followed Him. It will be kind of like a test for me. I think God is deepening my prayer life because He knows after a year that I can handle it. He tested me last year through all of the trials to see if I would trust Him and now He knows I will and is putting me to His work. We'll see what God does with all of this knowledge. I'll try to keep you all updated the best I can.

A Prayer to Stay Praying

"God,

         You have always made me a strong prayer warrior. That's what I do best in my walk with You. Granted I might miss some nights here and there. I never want my prayer life to fall by the side. It is easy now because I am by myself but when that changes if it does, don't let me fall from it. You know how much I need it in my life everyday and I will just need it more as my life goes on and things changes through and through. Give me time everyday now and later in life to have and spend time with You. I love learning more and more about prayer even though it should be and probably is just repeated things. It never hurts to be reminded of things that are most important to You and how to do them. I will say these past 3 weeks on prayer I have learned a lot that I didn't know and other things that I knew but saw in a different view. Thank you for letting me see prayer differently and like I said before don't let it fall to the side for me as I get older. If anything I need to grasp on to it tighter as the years go on. I will never get through life without it.


In Christ's Name,

Amen"

Preschool to 4th grade

            What do I say about children when I have done all of the ages, Preschool through 4th grade. What do I say when I am around every grade throughout one day? That is my life right now when I sub but I love it and fun too. I sub for a preschool and then my real job is with Kindergarten through 4th grade. You learn a lot of things when you are around all the grades. You could probably tell that children are my passion since I am around every grade.
           Being around every grade does make me sleepy but it makes my day go by faster too. It gives me a lot more experience for later in life. I don't know what I am doing permeantly but it is good that I am doing this. It also gives me a lot of networks to go through for later in life. I also love picking my own times and I know I said that before.
           Preschool is very more active then the elementary aged children. They also are very needed and that is expected of them. You have to have a lot of energy to be with them and not scared to do silly things with them. It is a good place to start out when you are young but it takes a lot of energy when you get older and older. It also takes a lot more of your time too. It is also very different from 2 years old to 5 years old. I have also worked with babies so that is really different too. So really I have worked with ages 0 to 4th grade. It is fun seeing the babies learn the simple things like walking and talking. It is also so cute too! You get to see how they develop and how fast they can. It is the best when they are having a hard time and they learn how to do it or if they learn something new and you know that you had a part in that. That is the only good thing about that age. Other then that it is a hard age to deal with if you haven't had any of your own. That age would probably be the best for older people in the daycare field or at least it would be for me once I have my own babies, I think. 

             The problem that I have with the babies is understanding the parents' feelings about things. Parents can be so picky at that age and I can understand why because it is the ages where most of their development happens. The thing is don't take it out on the workers if we missed a slight thing or fed them at the wrong time because it was your choice to put then in a daycare with 11 other kids with 2 teachers most of the time if not 3 teachers. That the part I don't think that the parents get most of the time. Now back to the 2 through 5 years olds. The ways of teaching them are really different. It is mostly playing for the 2 years olds but as they get older the more Kindergarten like things they get taught. You start out with painting, coloring, listening and sitting when they are 2 years of age and then you keep going up to learning numbers and letters and so on. To me, it seems like you have less to do when they get older because they should already know how to sit and things like that. They should learn at least one new things, if not more, each year. 

                  Then the school learning starts when they are 4 and 5 years old. Pre-K and Kindergarten. Now about the elementary grades (K-4th), they are really different and it is strange to see them and have them all in what could be the same week. You really have to program your mind to go with each group. I have the 2nd graders now for most of the time. They are my main group but I have had the Kindergarten and the 3rd and 4th graders so I can see the difference in all of the groups. My 2nd graders are very talkative and outgoing. The 2nd grade boys are very active but being aggressive. The girls could be really mean and bossy to each other too. While they act like they are big kids, there are still some problems that they have like acting out. Some of them will cry or have a little fit if they don't get their way still. They still think that they should get all the attention and don't know any better. This is when you start giving them chores or jobs, if not sooner, so they can learn responsibility. I would start my kids with chores sooner than that but some parents don't. I have some boys that have no idea how to clean the tables after snack. Some of them try but I have to go back over them. 

                Like I said about learning with babies, the grades have different things they learn and should now but that age too. I know some 2nd graders that don't know how to tie their shoes yet. I also have some 2nd graders that has a fit when they get out of a game we are playing. The 2nd graders also fight a lot during gym games about who is really out and how one touched the other. They get very competitive. The 3rd and 4th graders these days act like they are in Jr. High. It is all about them and they want to be the center of attention. They will try to get your attention in all kinds of way even crying if nothing else works. You see them around with their cell phones and with a lot of make up on. They think that are too big to do anything with the younger children. They want to do anything but play. They talk about things that I didn't even talk about until after middle school. They will use bad words like that too if you can catch it among their friends. They have no respect for the teachers or other adults in their lives. The boys are still active by being aggressive though. I don't think that ever changes. 

              These are only some of the things that I have seen working through this age range. I know there is a lot more like with disabilities and things but that is for each person not the group as a whole so I won't go into that at all. It is also hard to remember all of them too. Sometimes they seem just to slide together win my brain since I am working with everyone of them especially on a busy day. It would be neat and I have always wanted to just sit and really observe all these grades to see how right I am about some of these things and learn more because you know as a teacher or a person working with children, you never stop learning. That is another reason I like this field. Once a teacher's kid, always a teacher. :)

Every Girl DOESN'T need a Make Up Bag

         When reading this, you all might think it is funny but there is some truth to it too. If you know me, you won't be surprised that I am writing an entry about it either. My co workers and I were talking to one of the little girls about make up and giving her a free bag to put it in. Then one of my co workers said that every girl wears make up and I just laughed at her and said, "Not me." Then she commented back, "Almost everyone. It is nice when they do." And she was encouraging her to wear it.
            All this time I am listening and thinking, "Girls don't need a make up bag. The beauty is on the inside that counts." Then that is where the idea for this entry came from. It has been awhile since we have talked about that but I kept it as and entry because it is a good lesson and reminder to us, girls and even women. It also made me see how bad the world is at pushing beauty on the outside for women.
            I never fell into that trap and never will. My husband will just have to get over that. I am the simple, easygoing type of girl that doesn't care about that stuff. I am the kind of girl that might where foundation but that is the only thing unless I am going to a dance like prom or something. I just don't have the patience to put on make up for no reason right now. Now if my future husband wants me to put on more natural make up like blush and eyelash liner. See I don't even know what some of them are called.
             It just seems so fake to me and make people look fake. They don't need to put on make up every second of the day. To me, there are more important things to worry about then reapplying make up. I really think when some girls put on make up it makes them look like Barbie dolls. So pale and fake. I know and understand that some girls do it for attention but still that is not an excuse.
             If only they knew what really matter on the inside and why. I will be honest sometimes I worry about those type of girls because I think they are trying to hide something on the inside that they don't want to face.
            I'll always be that simple, easygoing girl without her make up on. I mean why would you need it on playing with children and working out on the farm where no one sees you. It is funny too because none of us girls, meaning my sisters and I, really cared for make up but one. One out of four isn't bad at all.
           The lesson of this entry that I was trying to get across is a make up bag is not needed because it should be on the inside what counts, not the outside.
            
          

How is my Life Being Threaded Together?

           My life is being threaded together in a lot of different ways. I have been through a lot but it is because God has a Great Plan for me. I didn't noticed the threading together part until here recently. We are all on God's Mission here on the earth and we try to listen and do His Will but it can get blocked at times or it is not like we planned at all but we still do it. There are certain times in my life where God has threaded through things that I didn't even plan on in my life but I wouldn't have it any other way right now. Things ended up better and they continue to get that way too.
           You tend to see God threading you life together when you get out of college or in college but not before then. You have everything planned out for you before then like going to school and living with your family. You have your parents there to tell you how to live and when to do things but it is then after you graduate high school that you really see your life being shredded together by Christ. You have to get all the basic learning down before you can to the school of your choice to do what you want to do for the rest of your life or so you think. I know for me God had other plans for me.
           I started to see God threading my life together when I started picking out colleges in high school. I had always dreamed of going to this one main big college that all my other family members went to but in the end it wasn't the one for me. While looking at the college mom brought up the one that she and my dad went to for awhile so I signed up for it as a back up not really thinking about getting in there even though it was a small college and a better chance for me to get in. It also seemed easier for me because I'm not the very social type those big colleges call for. I can never see me at one of those even to this day.
          I got into the small college and had put down my major as elementary education because you know coming from a family of educators why not, right? Well, having that major worked okay for about 2 years and then I changed it because I started to get worried about the classes and tests I would have to take to get into the big program. I changed my major to Child Development and that major was fun and easy. Let me tell you something, though, it isn't easy in the bigger world. I would have rather and still thinking about being a teacher. I also had the chance to go on a lot of mission trips and I lived that sort of mission life while in college since it was a Christian college that I went to. I got to explore some of the world because of that.
           After I graduated college and was looking for a career, that is when I had no idea where God wanted me and why. I looked for jobs in MO and AR. When I say jobs I mean, daycare and preschool jobs since I did work in the college daycare for 4 years. I thought that was the place for me and that is why I also changed my major. Well, let me tell you it was for me for about 4 years and then I wanted change. I had fun in the childcare field but it just got repeatedly boring and too stressful for me. I had fun experiences at every place I worked especially at the children's shelter. It was there that I grew a lot as a person. Because of that growth, I think I wanted to go back into the public school area because those type of children are there too especially around where eI live in AR. The daycares and preschools I ended up working in AR at seem to up tight for me. I also went to Guatemala two times with the church when I first moved to AR but my mission life as subsided too for now.
           God put the public schools back on my heart in a strange way while I was working at my last daycare and preschool and there I quit that job and went to work for an after school program with the public schools around me. I will say that part of my dream in high school was to make my own after school program in an area where it was needed and here I got to work for one. It has been fun. I also still have 2 mission trips that I want to go on if the Lord is willing but I am okay if I don't get to go on those.
             I think once you see how your life is being and can be threading/ed out, it makes you stop and think about things. It makes you rely more on God at times. Makes you think about what things are more important then the others. I know my past situations has helped me turn to God more and ask questions that I never would have asked. Now here I am thinking about being a sub for the next school year and back in the school area which I loved and always will it seems like. I also know that I have given my life over to God and my dream about my a stay at home mom because now I know that is what I want to be in the long run or a teacher. The both have the same passions I do and I know what my true passions are now. Thanks to one of my jobs for making me doubt them for awhile. It was much needed.
            At that moment or in that time we can't see how God is threading our lives together. I had no idea I would be where I am today doing what I am now when I was in college. If I had an idea do you think I would have changed my major. God also knows the best way for us. He knows our strengths and our weaknesses and I have learned that through my whole life. I still might become a teacher in the public schools but in a different, easier way then taking the classes and tests in college. A way I didn't know was possible but God did back 6 years ago. Now I could probably stand those tests because I am okay with who I am now. This just goes to show that God knows us the best and His Timing is the BEST for our lives. Why do we doubt His Timing when only He knows what is BEST for us? These are only a few ways God is threading my life together. There are some more but I rather not share them on here.