What Anxiety Really Feels Like

         "Anxiety feels like an attack on your own body and life."

          

          That is what this entry will be about. That is the summary of my life off meds. or even when I am changing over to different meds. which I am trying to do now but it isn't working. I can really tell a difference from the other meds. I was on before. The meds. I am on now are not working at all even with 2 pills, which is a really high dose compared to where I started with it. I have never felt this bad when I have changed meds. before and this is probably the forth time that I have tried to changed. That has to mean something for the other med., right?
           I have been on this new med. for about a month now and it hasn't helped at all. I just felt like I have gone downhill. It got so bad last night that I almost cried in my bed while trying to get to sleep. I think the meds. I am taking now is making my axienty worse and giving me a little sign of depression. It is funny that those two things are a side effect when that is why you are taking the meds. in the first place. 
            I have also noticed that my life is a rollercoaster when I am trying different meds. That rollercoaster about crashed last night. There was and has been so much on my mind. I had never felt like that before. I think it is because I know how "normal" life feels with the other meds. it just makes me mad. I have also been staying up later because of the things on my mind, which is making me a little late for work and really sleepy throughout the day. I just slept almost all morning this morning and still feel sleepy and like I could go back to sleep. I came home and tried to turn on my bedroom light and the lightbulb blew and made my closet and bathroom blow too. I had to fix it by turning off and of the switch and it turned the other two on but my bedroom light is still out. 

           That is when I had it. I started to cry just a little bit but that is went I went back to sleep. I just couldn't take it anymore with one thing after the other going on it feels like. I also felt so confused and like I had to decide things right now, this was last night before I went to bed. I was sitting on my couch going over everything that worried me starting with this past Saturday. I was thinking "deeply" again. While that might be a good thing once in awhile, I think with me when I'm thinking about a lot of things that is bad for me because my thoughts actually do get all tangled up inside my head. I don't think I noticed how real of a thing anxiety until now and I have had anxiety for about 5 years and tried to get the right meds. and I think I finally found it. 

             Don't think I saw what it could be earlier because I didn't find the right meds. until now. Yes, I would stop little things like the crying and nail biting but I was still tried and would get mad easily at people when they didn't deserve it among other things. I even found myself eating a little bit better when I was on a med. that worked for me. Anxiety really does make you consume things even when you don't want to. I remember last week to that I started to shake sitting down and doing nothing which was a feeling that I have long forgotten on the other med. To be more honest too, I was thinking last night that I might even have my first panic attack/anxiety attack without even crying first. Usually I get them or feel like I will get them when I cry for too long or so hard but last night was scary because I felt like I was going to have one any second without crying. It was something new for me. 

              I thought I knew the signs before but now I really do know them and this time it has been confirmed that I do. I am going back to the meds. I was on before and hopefully be back to more cheerful and engertic like I was before. It is strange too because I do feel closer to God when I am on meds. that work because my mind is not all confused with other thoughts and I think that is what I miss the most right now. I was hearing and speaking to God to where everything made sense to me until this past Sunday. Then things started to get jumbled and I started to doubt myself. A lot of you might say that is Satan doing his thing but I really bag to differ. I know this entry shows a lot of who I am and more of my personality then I would like or should probably show on a blog but I just want to get the words out there as well. I was once stubborn and didn't want to get meds. for this problem but now I am paying for it when I should be paying for other things. 

              I am trying to "fix" myself when I should have already been "fixed". I mean come on I have had 4 jobs counting the one I have now in the past 5 years. I haven't had a date yet in my life, which I am happy about but we also know this could be part of the reason. I have friends come and go because they didn't understand me at all and I couldn't help them understand because I didn't understand either. Well, now I do and I don't mind sharing if they will only ask me to instead of walking away. 

              One real way I know I have anxiety for sure is this: "I might look like a strong girl on the outside but on the inside I'm just as weak or maybe weaker then the other person. I hide a lot of things on the inside because I want to look normal on the outside. That is why I need God and people around me." 

               I hope this gets out there and that people will share it. I don't mind if they do because people really need to know that it is real and not something made up or an excuse for not doing something. It is real and we need to stop covering it up and dealing with it for what it really is. I have never been this outgoing about it before but now I know what it really is and I feel like my life has been on hold because of it. I will tell you one more thing that I notice when not on the meds. or the right ones. Everyday feels like it drags on forever and then that makes the week drag on forever and it makes you get sick or bored of the same old things sometimes. You would want a change right then and there but can't have it so you start to get upset. Some of you might be thinking well, it is better then going by fast. To tell you the truth, no it really isn't because you sit in your past without knowing because you are bored or so you think. 

              Now this is the end of my rant so I am getting off my soapbox so I can eat lunch and then go to work because it is about that time again.