Anxiety is an Illness-Part 2

  "Anxiety is an illness that takes away life."


           Now most people would agree with that saying but what people might not agree with or some will and some won't is what I am about to say next. I call this entry a part 2 because I feel like I have written another entry with the same title but it had a different perspective. If I did write one with the title it was when I was on my meds. It is strange how meds. that are suppose to help with a cause can make the cause worse and I think that is what has happened to me over the years of taking anxiety meds. On every one of my anxiety meds., especially the "cheap" ones, I find anxiety and depression as a side effect of the meds. I don't know how many people it actually affects as a side effect but I think for me it did.
           I know I have only been of my meds. completely for about a month now but I feel so different. I feel like I felt in college again. It feels good although it does have some of it problems like not being able to go back to sleep at 3:44 in the morning and because of that I am sleepy all day but at least I am not depressed or anxious. At least, I don't run out the people I really care about and love. At least, I can live somewhat of a normal life. It is something that I will have to do more research on because it is interesting how a med. that is suppose to help you, just makes it worse for you. I know that it true for me. While being off of the meds. for just a month, I have realized a lot of things about me that wasn't me while on the meds. Different personalities, different ways of handling things, and just different ways of living life.
            One major thing was just the weight that I have gained in the past. Now that could be my age and me slowing down a bit but I believe that it as a lot to do with the meds. I was taking and not just the meds. I believe looking back now and seeing that I could have been more anxious, it made me eat more unhealthy. It made me go after the chocolate and coffee and even pasta that I love so dearly, more then I should have been. It is funny because since I have been off of it I don't crave pasta or really coffee that much anymore. It is like I am trying to make that habit that I made of thinking that I needed it. A lot of things were "thinking that I needed it or that I needed to do it".
            Another major thing was being a big time people pleaser. Now I know I can get that way without the meds. but with them it just seemed worse. Just seemed like I wanted to please people and if I couldn't I would get anxious about what they would say. It was just about what they thought of me and not what I thought of myself or even God thought of me. I was focused big time on people and it wasn't for good reasons. I felt like I had to talk to certain people or they would forget about me. I wanted certain people to like me, therefore, I had to talk to them. I needed to like what they liked and be okay with that. It was all about the other person but in a bad way.
             The thing that I probably regret the most is pushing myself onto people. I was so anxious for people to like me and be pleased with me that I would do anything to get them to like me. Sometimes that was just too much for that person that they walked away. I really believe that is why I didn't have many friends during those years. I would be too pushy. I would share my thoughts with them even when they didn't want to hear my thoughts. It would be all about me and I wouldn't once ask how they were doing or what they were doing. The worse thing about it was I thought I was doing it out of love but I wasn't. I was doing it because I was anxious. Then lately I have been remembering things like sermons and verses from the Bible I knew before taking the meds. but it is like they all left me or I just threw them all out and did things my way or the world's way. I have been relearning the Bible it seems like after being off the meds.
              Then there is one more thing that I didn't like about me being on meds. It made me anxious and had that fear to where I thought everything was about me. If someone, say like a boss, would get on to the whole team, I would think they were really talking about me but didn't want me to know. It would be me who really messed up but yet they didn't want to tell me to my face. It could be good or bad. I just thought it was only about me. I couldn't get through a day thinking about oh, they were really talking about me and my mistakes but they didn't want me to feel bad so they just told everyone. I guess you could say that the meds. made me very self centered and if you know me without the meds. at all like in college and before, you know that is not me. You know I care a lot about people and am usually loyal to my friends.
               I think I finally decided to give up the meds these past few months because they were also making me more depressed then I wanted to be. I didn't want to admit it at first but other people saw that side of me too. I mean it was becoming that bad that I had to change something. If it wasn't the meds. that made me depressed it was the weight gain on the meds. and my looks or something else. I found myself just thinking about the negative these past few months and being really down. Something had to change so that is when I started Plexus again and am going to try Holistic Healing. You might think that once I am on something that works, things will be back to normal but they won't be at all. I have at least 4 years, maybe more, to fix in friendships/relationships and my career and just living as a "normal" person. I think this is why I feel like I am behind all of my friends and I think, in a strange way, them getting married has helped me see all of this.
              I wish all of those things could be an easy fix but they won't be. They even might not be fixable but praying God will allow certain ones to be. When you can complain to people and they say nothing back to you, in a strange way, you don't want to get rid of people like those. I know I have been overwhelming at points and not caring but I regret that now. I will also say that my eyes have been opened back up to other people's lives and what they are doing in their and why. I can see the importance behind things that I couldn't see when I was on meds. Anxiety is a illness and it can turn into a bad one if it is not taken care of the right way. I don't know what got me into this thinking but I have just noticed a big change in my life and I pray it only gets better without the meds. I don't think I could ever go back, to be honest.
            It has been an adventure for sure for me. I just want the bad part to end so I can start some other new adventures in my life soon. I will also keep you all updated on how holistic healing is working out for me. See if I can keep up with it. It is so strange that the world as gotten so bad in the food industry and busy that we even need things like these to keep us healthy. I am hoping to get started in August so maybe I can write about my first appointment as my first entry for August.