Choosing Between Two

          Choosing between two things, or in this case, two groups of people. It's hard because the group that you want to be a part of won't take you but another group will. That happens a lot with children espically elementary school aged where they are finding themselves. Of course, this one particular girl gets me this year. I can really tell when she's upset or just sad. It is a gift I have if you must call it something.
         I want to help and I do some days but other days I just stand back and observe. I can't do it for the child every time. They need to learn on their own too. Some days the child picks the right group to be with and other days she just gets all crazy and picks another group. It is like she has her grown up days and her childish days. She can be both and I love that about her but at the same time I think and hope that she will grow out of that way someday. It is never good to pretend to be someone who you are not. I know I am thinking too much about this little girl but I just hope and pray that I can do some good for her this year. You know get her in the right direction no matter how hard I have to be on her or how much I have to talk to her parents. 

         This entry was all going to be about that one girl but after what happened at work yesterday, I got to thinking about more things and this title just seemed to fit the things too. Like the little girl choosing between two group of friends, we, as adults, have to chose between things too. We might not like what our grown up friends chose or what we just for that moment in our lives but it is what is right for that moment. I am kind of choosing between two things too right now and I think that is why I get this little girl so well. I just wanted to cry yesterday after work and I did. The choice I have to make is do I care enough about my job to keep my professionalism in check or do I care enough about a friendship and dreams that I let up on my professionalism a little bit. When you act like two different people, it is is hard and it just gets harder with life.

          I swore to myself that I would never do it. I swore that my job would not become in front of my family, friends or people I cared about. I would always get mad the people who put their job before their friends but this year, I have to make a choice and it isn't easy. I thought it would be neat to work with someone else's child that was a friend of mine but it isn't, not in this situation. It is hard. It is hard because I feel like I have to prove myself over and over again. I feel like if I can't be good enough for the child then I'm not good enough for the family and vice via. Yesterday was the first day where I just couldn't handle things and things got out of control. I had no idea how to tell the parents. I had to chose my words wisely. If I was honest with myself right now, I still don't want my job to come in front of those that I care a lot about but that is all I have right now.

           I don't have the other things to worry about.  I shouldn't even be thinking about those things and people because I am a single girl living in a one bedroom apartment by myself that I need to pay rent for. I need the money but I hate having to live like and say that. I can't wait for the day when I can put family first. It is hard to live everyday like this too because you want to share your feelings with people and co-workers but they just don't get you or that is what you think at least. If that wasn't enough, trying to get your job taken from you is not easy either when things are going on. I'm in the middle of everything right now and I hope and pray that there is a way I can figure it out and be okay with and use to it but it is just taking time to get there. 

           It is another one of those times and lessons where God is showing me in all kinds of ways that you need to be careful what you ask for or even think about because someday you just might get it. He has been doing that a lot lately to me. Yet, He has also given me the point of view to where I can give other people grace about situations where they have to chose also. I know I haven't been very graceful or easygoing on that with some of my friends. I would always wonder why they would pick their dreams over me, how it was just so easy to do that, or how it seems so easy when really it isn't at all. There are scracifies that are made everyday just to be able to go to work. Still learning and praying but hoping I make the right one in the future. If I do, maybe God will reward me somehow. I mean He will in the long run but maybe He will reward me in the short and long run. :)