Fear

           That one word can take over your life without you even knowing it. It can do so much damage to you but you won't know until it is too late. It might be the perfect word to describe what happened on this day so many years ago but knowing that we can overcome it is even more powerful then before. This is how I have been feeling lately with everything around me. If you name it, I am probably fearful of it to some extent. I didn't really notice I had a problem with fear until here recently. Those of you who know me and my problem with axienty might find that supising but it is true. Fear and axienty are two different things.
             Fear is: "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc.,whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
             Axienty is: "distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune."
             As I think about what is going on in the world today with all the fires and huraccanes, my fear is nothing compared to the people that are living through those things. I even feel a little bit funny writing about what I am fearful of right now but I thought in a way it might be a good thing too. I found out I was really had fear for things last week. How? You might ask. It all started at work with this little girl I have.
             I love the little girl like she is my own but it is her family I am fearful about. Her parents are great too. Don't get me wrong. Who I am worried about is her 2nd cousins. They are great too, don't get me wrong, but we have had our differences before. I am just scared that having her in my group won't be good for me or them. I also know that I have a hard time being me with them because I don't want to show them my upset side. I always feel like I have to put on a smile even when it has been a hard day when her parents come to pick her up. I know that is sort of a lie but things are just strange in a way. I know professionally I shouldn't carry personal things into my job but this is the first time that I really had to worry about it. The first time that I even could do it. If that makes sense. It is a new thing for me that I need to get use to.
            That fear, I have noticed, has been around me in my life all this time. It has been a fear of being myself. A fear of not knowing who I am or what I want to do in life. A fear that is holding me back from everything I could be. A fear that messed things up for me in the long run but I couldn't see that til now. A fear of keeping me from pursuing my dreams. I mean I am almost 30 and have no steady career, no house of my own, or no spouse of my own either. All of those things I wanted by now and don't have. I have had many chances to get all of them but I let each one slip away because of the fear I had. Right now, I noticed that it is just the fear of trying to please the people around me but I shouldn't care what those people think about me. I should be my own person and hope for the best. 

           I have also noticed that I have been having a lot of fear with my health. Fear of trying to things like new pills and diets. Fear of stopping something like anxiety pills to go onto something better like gut health pills. Fear of trying to find and buy food that is good for your gut instead of just eating whatever you want. I know these might be silly little fears but they are true fears for me or at least they were. The more I pushed myself into fears like these the more I see that the fearful thing was the best idea for me.  

           Someone will like me for me. Some job will take me for me and want to keep me. It is not only the fear of being myself but also the fear of being money burdened. I think that money is everything in the world and if I don't have enough of it that I can't reach my goals and dreams. Well, that is the wrong way to think. As along as I have people by my side that love me for me and that can encourage me through everything, the good and bad, then I don't need the money. I mean it would be nice but I don't need it. The fear of getting another job because I am so worried about getting the money to where I can live by myself is not good either. It is just haunting me to no end. It kind of goes back to that people pleasing thing. 

          I'm trying to find a job but I feel worthless because the only jobs I have had in my life had to do with children. I don't have the experience it takes to work in food service or shops. I don't have the customer service it takes and that people want. I know this isn't the first time I have felt this way because I know there is another entry on here somewhere about me talking about this. I just felt like it came to me in a whole new way though this time and that I should write about that way. Fear is taking control of my life and I want it to stop. I want to be able to trust God with everything I have and don't have. Right now, the next fear I have to deal with is the fear of letting go. I know that it will be good for me on some things but it will be hard. 

           Fear of letting go = Fear of the Future but that is where trusting in God comes in. I could go on about all kinds of fears like another one I have been thinking about lately is the fear of marriage but why think about that when I am not even close to that happening. If He wants anything to happen, He will always find a way to bring it about. This is a big relief for me to realize this. Now if only I can get rid of it, my life would be a lot easier or that is what I think at least. Yet all of this cannot compare to what happened on this day years ago or what is happening and has happened to some of the states this past month or two. Like I side, all this looks silly in comparison to all the bigger things happening.