Sunshine Inside, Sunshine Outside

       When you see your grandma looking outside of a window or doors, does it make you upset? Do you just want to take her outside and let her feel the fresh air especially when you know she loves it? It was so neat to see and hear because my grandma, when she saw the sunshine, said, "The sun" and she smiled so big. I can't believe or stand that someone, especially, someone I care about is locked inside a nursing home because they are too busy to take her out for even a second.
         How would you like to be inside staring at the sunshine from there? Not feeling it rays of warm shine or see it really sparkle things up. It must be so boring. Loving the outdoors really runs in my family and how I was born and raised. Sunshine inside and sunshine outside. Which would you rather have and I'm just not talking about the bright sun? The title/saying could be taken as an action phase in life.
        When I think about sunshine inside, I think about holding it inside of yourself. You are thinking about yourself and holding it all in. You want to do everything for yourself and it makes you feel good. That is great until you get too prideful and do things just to be noticed. When you have the sunshine inside, you can also shine it on your outside but you have to grow the inside. You have to be overwhelmed enough that you want to spill the rays out to the people around you.
        Other people can also shine to you from the outside but yet you can be so focused on something that you don't feel the warmth of the joy. If you don't focus on you and see and hear the other people around you then those rays of light and joy can go inside of you and make you feel like you are worth something.
          Sunshine inside and sunshine outside means that you are having God live in and with you all the time. In a way though, you have to be outside your comfort zone or out behind walls to see and feel the sunshine at all. That is the only way that God can move in and around you. When you are outside in the sunshine, you can play and move around in it where if you are behind walls you can't move around as much. Being outside in the sun, gives you a lot more space and freedom to run. Just being outside give you more freedom.
          That is why it always feels good to be out in God's creation. You could feel more freedom and closer to Him. The sunshine is just His Way of giving you joy and light to see Him in your life. So why don't you let the doors towards the sunshine be open and get out behind those walls that are/have been keeping you in and get outside and live your life to the fullest in 2015. It is a challenge for me and I want it to be a challenge to whoever read this entry. This is my New Year's entry and my last entry of 2014. Happy 2015!!!!

Being a New Me

        It has been a busy last few days for me. I did my Christmas with family and then went shopping for my birthday all in the last four days. While doing all of these things though, only one thing is on my mind and it is "being a new me in 2015". I have done a lot of things and have been okay with a lot of things that usually I'm not okay with. I don't know if I'm looking at everything through new eyes or if I have just changed that much in the past year or both.
        Let's take shopping for example. Yesterday we went shopping for my birthday and I got mostly clothes which I was happy with. Years before I would just want to go shopping for fun things but all I got this year was useful things like clothes and I am okay with that. I got useful things for Christmas too and I love what I got. It is like I want more useful things because I want to maybe settle down and use them. I want to grow up in that way.
        Something else I have thought about lately is a trip that I could be taking in the Fall with a friend of mine. Sort of a dream come true. I would go to the east coast and see things like the Mayflower, Plymouth Rock, the sunny beach side, and the big falls up by New York. A side of the states that I have never seen before. I also get to go see Maine which will be amazing. It will really be a new experience for me. It is strange to me because it seems like even though I like to have fun. It is the way I like to do it. I like to have fun by looking at the history of the states or anything. I would never go to a big party or theme park besides Disneyland. It would be neat to go to those big holiday parades and other things but then again I know my limits. I think about it every time I watch them on TV. Then I remember that I can't do a big crowd at all. It is just who I am. I am the introvert who likes to learn and then teach.
        I'm learning to be okay with who I am and other people will just have to live with it or leave. God made me this way for a reason and I like it. There are so many times that I have missed out on things just because I was scared of what others would think about me. I might be the introvert and that's okay. It is something that I have to learn to be okay with and make fun of at times. Then it is something else other people have to learn and be okay with about me. I have so many stories to tell if people would just take the time to listen to the old, quite me.
       Another goal I have this coming year is to read two books and hopefully do a Bible study with at least one more women one book each. The books are about becoming who God wants you to be and embracing that instead of other people's thoughts about you. I just have a feeling that this year is going to be life changing. It is a year of goals where I am going to break down those walls that I have built up for so long and be happy with who I am in God not who my friends or any one guy think I should be but just God and me. It will be hard but it will be so worth it to look back and see that I am able to joke about myself and just laugh at myself knowing that I'm that way for a reason. I am "old", goofy, and a child at heart for a reason.
        It is just nice to have this long Christmas break because I am learning a lot and hopefully I'm going to learn more. I have a lot of verses that I want to memorize and live out this next year. Hopefully, I can get them written out here and have you all follow along with me. I might make some challenges from some of the Bible verses and from the two books I am reading. Might tell you want I'm learning from them too. Make my blog a little more interactive this coming year. Seeing if I can make a difference through this way too. That's my goal. Being a real and new me and seeing how many others have thoughts and lives like I do. It will mainly be towards women but I'm sure there will be a few entries that can be for both women and men. A 2nd part of "Being a New Me" maybe to come (aka I have learned a lot more then this over break).

Christmas Traditions

         I am blessed to be able to spend Christmas Eve and Day with my parents plus a sister but it just isn't the same when I like a routine. You hear people say a lot that it is a hard time for people because of their loved ones passing or just them being alone whether that way or another way. I didn't get that meaning until this year and it is kind of sad but I'm enjoying every Christmas I have with my parents because I know I won't have forever. I would just like to have all of the family here but again I'm blessed that it was a quite and relaxing Christmas this year. That's one of the good things about it out of the many.
         My sister and I still got to open our 2 presents from our parents and got to get our stockings early. We did that around 11:00 in the morning though when we usually do it around 6:00 in the morning after certain people wake other people up. We see what Santa left for the grandkids of course and get to play that part still so the grandkids don't know. I think the thing I miss the most is having my nieces and nephews around to watch them get excited and open presents. We are having a family get together this weekend it but just not the same. We had a big supper with turkey, corn, stuffing, mashed patatoes, and more but just not the same again for a girl who loves routine.
        It is also hard on me because I'm thinking that I know it is coming when I need to set my own traditions for my own family and that will be hard. Trying to compromise with another person. Yet this Christmas I did think about certain friends and their families and what they were doing today. What their traditions were because I know to some people traditions are everything like to me but I'm not the only one that I'm sure of.
        It is hard not to feel lonely when you are used to having 4 other brothers and sisters around you plus their families. I know they need to do their own thing but as a single it is just hitting me so hard this year for some reason. I just sat and watch TV which was relaxing and the movies that were on were cute ones but it just almost like another day to me.
         There are good things that comes from not having that big of a group. You really get to focus on Jesus and what He did for us on this speical day. More relaxation. Another thing that was fun about today is that we got to cook all the pies and some more candy for when we do get together as a family. I think the big problem is that I'm just growing up to an adult and getting rid of that child feeling when it comes to Christmas is a scary thing to me. Having to become more independant on Christmas and breaking all the traditions we did as kids. Forgetting all the fun times until and if I ever have children of my own. I know I can always pass them on but what if my future husband doesn't agree or what if I never have children or a family of my own to share traditions with.
          I know Christmas is not about traditions. It is all about Jesus coming to save us from the world of sin and the people around you but if those people aren't around you then how are you to celabrate. One way that I thought of today while watching movies is just to go out a give to other people. In a way, I honestly did miss my children at work today and yes I did think about them some. Wondering how they like the toys I picked out for them and so on.
          Christmas as always been my favorite holiday and I think it is, not only because my birthday is near, but also because it is all about giving to other people. It is a selfless holiday and if you don't know me just yet I am a selfless person with a servant's heart. Christmas is just beautiful in so many ways but it is really beautiful when you give yourself away and by that I mean time, gifts, and other things. Maybe that is another reason that I miss having family or people around doing things because I feel like I give to my nieces and nephews without them even knowing. Just my time and joy is all that needs to be given to anyone plus if I can fit a message about Christ in there somewhere it is always a plus.
         

The Gingerbread Man

         Today is Christmas Eve and it was so much fun! It made be sleepy when I got home but it was worth it with the children. I also didn't get much of the chores done but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I did so many Christmasy things with them it was so fun.
          First, I started the Christmas Eve day by painting the girls' fingernails. I had green and red nail polish with gold glitter over the colors if they wanted it. I painted the preschoolers' and the toddlers' nails. It was so cute because one of the toddlers seem to know what I was doing because she sat so still while I was painting them. After I was done with hers, she just laid her hand flat on her legs to let them dry. It was also cute at first because when she saw the polish, she took off one of her socks because she wanted her toes painted first but I didn't pain them because they were still painted. She "picked" the green polish, which I thought was neat too.
          Neat, we mixed some dough to make gingerbread man cookies because I had a teddy bear that told us the recipe for it. I put the dough in the cold for a hour like it said. It didn't get hard at all so during nap time I added some more flour and a gingerbread mix and it turned out prefect. As the children woke up one by one, I would let them help me patted it out and then they got to use the cookie cutters on their own to make cookies. They had a blast doing it. There was a smile on each their faces and some laughter too. It was also a mess when we patted it out on the table because I put flour down first so it wouldn't stick too bad. It did stick a little but not too bad. I had one little child play in the flour while I was getting it to where he could make the cookie. Before I left the place, it smelled like Christmas. There was gingerbread smell all over the place.
            I had the two older girls mix the cookie dough and listen to my teddy bear say the recipe and they really enjoyed that. Then when a child would get up from nap I would let them cut some cookies out before they would go watch a movie. Three children got the chance to cut some out before the dough was all gone. The children got to eat the gingerbread man cookies for afternoon snack. Before they ate them, though, they got to decorate them with icing.
            Then before lunch, I helped the children string some jingle bells on a string so they could wear it as a bracelet. They had fun with those too. Not very many children could put the bells on the string so I had to help most of them but one of the children did it all by himself and I was really surprised that he could do it at all.
            It kept me really busy today but I loved every moment of it. It made the day go by faster so I could go home sooner but mostly it made me smile because I know the children enjoyed it. They wanted to do everything. It is for sure a Christmas Eve for me to remember. I try to make it happy for the children. Try to do things that they would do at a good home or stuff I did at my home or would want to do with my own children because right now they are my children. I'm so blessed that I got to work during the morning this Christmas Eve. Working on nights were just too busy and too hard to do things for the children but now I feel like I have a lot more time to do just that. I have that time to spend one on one with each of them.
            It was a true Christmas Eve after all! I hope and pray that I made a difference in those children' lives even if it was just for today and only today.
         

Breaking It Down

         I have been up since midnight thinking over Christmas and some other things that are going on in my life. One of the things that I was thinking about is breaking walls that I have built with people over the years. By that I mean, I have built walls to keep people out to keep people from knowing the real me and because of that reason I have no true friends yet. People try but without knowing I build up a wall to shut them out. It doesn't matter if it is a girl or a guy. I don't mean to do it either that has become a habit for me sadly. I had to do it all through high school so I wouldn't get hurt too bad.
         I didn't notice that it was a bad habit that I had since here recently because of a Bible study. When I think about breaking my own walls down so I can get to know people better and vice via, I think about the children that I come in contact with everyday. In a way, emotionally, I'm just like them. Yes, I have lived a better life but I have been hurt during it too. Might not of been by my family but was by my friends. It is scary how much any human as in common even little children with adults.
         I woke up thinking this morning that I am helping those children break down some bad walls. Walls where I totally understand if they didn't want to trust another human being in their life. Walls where they already had to start building at preschool age and they don't even know what they are doing and why. Walls to keep them safe and unhurt. Walls to keep having fun when everything around them is taken away. Walls of changing homes every 3 months or shorter time. I break down every one of those walls or want to but sometimes I only have enough time to break through 2 or 3 of them.
          I took that thought back to the walls I have because of high school. Walls where I wasn't good enough. Walls where I was dumb. Walls where I didn't fit in where I should have. Walls where I wasn't pretty enough. Walls where I couldn't even trust my own friends because they would stab me right in the back day after day. Just like those children I can't break them myself. I need God and friends to help me break them down. I need God to break down those walls and show me who I am in Him and that He loves me for me. Just like I show those children at work that I love them no matter how they behave and who they are capable of being. Yes, there are limits but I don't treat them as bad as some of them have been treated. I never could.
         It is like the child as to please every foster home plus their own parents because they still want to go back to them but for now they are in a foster home so they put on a front. Even if they move from foster home to foster home, every set of parents are different so they have to put on a different mask. These poor children have no idea who they are or can be. As a child of God, we have that gift to be thankful for. We know who we belong and He never leaves nor forsakes us. Sometimes we do go from thing to thing or person to person to try and fit in in this world, but eventually if we are a child of God He calls us back into His Arms.
         Just like trying to help those children break down those walls, it isn't easy to break down your own by yourself. Those children have so much help to look to if they only would and knew how. AS "normal" people we have that choice too. We have friends and family around us that will show us we have fallen off the path of God when we do. We have people who care enough to really get to know the real us. The children in the foster care system. Well that is it, it is a system and sadly the children are treated like that. There is a God who loves them and they should know that and have a choice to follow Him because no one will break down those walls but Him. We can try and help but they don't tell us everything so we don't know everything. Only God knows everything and only He can fix everything. He is all knowing and a wonderful Father.
          This is what I have been thinking about since midnight today. See why I couldn't get back to sleep. Now it is time to get ready for work so it will be a coffee and pop kind of day for me so I can stay awake and energetic for the children.

Little Girl in a Black Dress

         I know it is early and not to many people read these things this early but this subject has been off and on my mind for about a month now. I love how it can relate to both spiritual life and real life plus my future life. To be honest, I'll start from the start of the story. This entry has to do with the passing of a close old friend of mine. He was like a 2nd father to me. I already wrote some entries right after the passing but this thought would not leave me just yet. The reason is that the funeral was just different in a way for me then others I have been to.
         Yes, it was a small country funeral with mostly family there. It seemed to be very causal because for once I was too dressed up but yet I was the only one crying out loud I felt like. I wore a black polka dotted dress with a little jacket over it because it has tank top like sleeves. Now that I look back on it now, I was that little girl that I always was to him. That little girl dressed up in dresses trying to impress him and make him happy because that is what little girls do. Now don't get me wrong I also wanted to make a good impression for him with the people around at the funeral. That was my first thought and main thought. I was sure the one that stuck out like a sore thumb if the dress didn't do it the crying sure did.
          To be honest again, I did feel really small at the funeral because I didn't know anyone there and I was the only one crying. I felt like I was in the back picture but I knew it would have and did mean so much to him and his wife that I was there. I was someone that they could count on even though I haven't done a very good job with that in the past few years while in college and things like that. It is getting better though. It is sad how we wait so long to see someone when we get older and as soon as we hear they are sick we jump to the rescue and try to make up time thinking things haven't change but yet they have. We take love for granted most of the time and sadly it is with the people that care most about us and knows most about us too.
          The more I think about it though the more I just remember him playing with his little girl out on the farm, treating her like a princess. That princess would ride in his farm truck to go deliver the eggs and milk. That little girl would go for walks in the woods with him. That little girl would try and milk the cows with him but didn't last long.
           I was also thinking "little girl in a black dress" for God too. I know I will always be His little girl and He will always lead me to where He wants me to be. He will keep me safe and happy. I will always be his little girl no matter how old I get. He will always watch over me and keep His promises. I can always turn to Him when I need help and am lonely. I can dance with both of them while wearing that little back dress in my dreams.
           I got to thinking about my future and the kind of guy I want in my life for me and my children if God willing and one just like him would work. One that treats me like a little girl and by that I mean spoils me. I want my freedom still but I want to be spoiled too. I want to be his little girl/princess. I want a country guy that knows how to treat a country girl. That understands the soft heart of a country girl and will be there when I need a shoulder to cry on. In a way, I always want to be that little girl in that black dress because that brought back so many wonderful memories that I sometimes wish I could relive so I could remember them for good.
            Something tells me though that if I find a country guy that cares enough I will get to live those moments again through that life and through my own children or that is my dream at least. I need to find a guy that completely understands my country heart because it is not that simple finding one in the business world.
         

Catching up Before Christmas Break

         Sorry that I have not written in a week. Things are started to get crazy already before Christmas and I'm just getting over my seasonal sickness that always happens around this time each year. Keeping up with children right before Christmas is never easy especially when you have to stay inside most of the time because it is either too wet or too cold to go outside. I'm going to catch you up on some things that have been happening this week that are special to me.
          I had a Ladies' Bible study this past Monday which really touched my heart. Some ladies shared their testimonies and they hit me right on the spot where I needed to be hit. One of the ladies even looked straight at me but I needed that. A lot of things have been going on with me this past month and I have tried to keep busy with work and/or just been by myself to deal with those things and that doesn't help at all. It was a lot about how we, especially women, build walls up around our emotions to let no one else in because we are scared that we might not make a good impression when we need to. We might cry or get really mad when there is no need for it. We are scared to be our true selves most of the time and that is sad because the world needs more genuine women now days then ever.
           I saw this quote on Facebook and I loved it so much that I reposted it on my page. It said, "Maybe the journey isn't about becoming anything, maybe it is about un-becoming everything that really isn't you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place." I feel like I'm at that point now where I am learning who I was meant to be and I need to go back to that. I need to stop trying to be someone I'm not. I need to stop trying to fit into the city life and just live the country life like I was meant to live. We can get so caught up in the world's way of thinking what we are suppose to be like that we forget who God made us to be and the plans He has for us.
          Then I had another special moment this week and it happened yesterday but started on Thursday.  The craft for the children on Thursday was to paint paper cups as reindeer so they could give them to the admin. as a Christmas gift with candy inside. I put the candy inside of them yesterday and then we went on a little walk throughout the building and gave them to each of the admin. as a little Christmas gift. It was cute to watch because some of the children would give them freely before they saw what was in them and when they saw the candy they held on to them. Some of the children gave them away no matter what. It didn't matter to them what was inside them. It was a little crazy and the reindeers weren't too good but they were made by the children so that is all that matters plus the candy inside. Even though, I didn't feel well while doing it, it made my heart happy to see the children doing something like that and to see their smiles on their faces when the admin. smiled and gave some of them hugs.
            I didn't explain the process of giving but I hope and pray that they each got it in some way. Even if it is not now, hope they will look back as they get older and be like "so that is what we were doing when we did that". To me, it was just a good way to teach what giving was and how to do it with talking about it. Besides, it is always the actions that count when it comes to blessings and giving then the words themselves, right? Actions mean more then words. I am a person of action as most people who know be can tell. I don't talk a lot at all even now but I'm glad to help out whenever and wherever I can.
            That was my week in a nutshell besides being sick the past two days but hopefully I will get over it in the next day or two. Get it done and over with before Christmas and birthday.

Potter's House

          This entry is more about an experience I had last night (on a Sunday night) and I feel like it got me more in the mood for Christmas and giving this year.  It was at a Boys' and Girls' Club in Fayetteville, AR for the families and children that attend their after school program. It's called "The Potter's House". It is a ministry put on by a church from around that area. It was a 3 hour thing but it was so fun.
            I went with a group from my church and we signed up to be table servers. They had something like 50 something tables that needed to be served so we weren't the only servers. Other organizations and churches were there helping too. There was 15 from my church that went. We each got our own table to serve and we were pretty busy most of the night. I was hoping to get to know my family because I only had one family "set" at my table, couple and 2 young boys (preschool aged), but we didn't have time.
             I could tell one of the boys at my table was pushing limits because he didn't want to sit when he first got there and he didn't get a lot of attention from the parents like the older boy did. I noticed too that the younger boy colored away by himself while the other older boy was talking to their daddy and playing Bingo with him. I had to help the younger boy play it. It is nothing bad but you could really tell which one was the favorite or so it seemed.
            The people in charge of the dinner kept us pretty busy. First, we had to get stuff ready for them to play Bingo and take it out to our table. They played that for about 15 mins and then it was time to eat supper. First, we brought out the rolls and butter plus the sauces. Then we brought out the main course, which was chicken strips, mac and cheese, and potato salad. After that, they played Bingo for a few more mins. Lastly, we brought out the cupcakes and they got to decorate them by themselves.
            While the guests were decorating their cupcakes and listening to a program, we had to go into the gym and get talked to about how to pass out the gifts and that was a moment I will never for get. I think that moment made me smile the biggest. There were hundreds of present covering the gym floor and we all, and when I say we all, I mean every volunteer that was there had to get in a line to help pass out. We would take the presents to the tables and the families they belonged too. One of my tables was full with an Hispanic family. They had little children and they were so cute. Then I got to passed out to another table and there were't very many people at that table.
             It kind of disappointed me because they didn't open them there, most of them took them home with them, which I can understand. They might have wanted to put them under the Christmas tree and wait until Christmas morning to open them, which is more enjoyable. It was a really big thing in a really big place but it was so neat and fun.
             It reminded me a lot of what Christmas is really about. It is more about giving then anything else. It is about having a servant's heart like Jesus did when He came down to this Earth for us. The earth of sin and shame and very dirty. He left His right handed spot by God and came down to save us. I think I will make it a tradition for me now and my future family to do something that has to do with serving people around Christmas time in Dec. It is just a good reminder of what God did for us.

Hues of Browns and Oranges

          I have been wanting to write an entry talking about the different hues of browns. This might not be an interesting entry to those of you who aren't into decorating but if you are this might be an entry for you and make you think a little bit about why you decorate the way you do. I never knew why I like any color with any brown. It just came natural to me. I see something brown and another color then I would love it right then and there.
          But this past month, I have been thinking a lot about things because of situations that have happened in my life and I think I know the reason, if not all, part of the reason I like to decorate with browns. I grew up the first 4 years of my life in a house where I remember everything having a brown tint to it or the color went a long with brown. I use to sleep in the "blue room" but I remember the bigger areas being browns. I will admit most of the colors with that brown was that nasty 80's looking  orange but yet it was brown. The outside of the house is a pale yellow with brown trim.
            I also remember later years that my babysitter (2nd Father) spent a lot of time in his workshop building things so they would have a lot of wood around the house light and dark. I think to that if you like browns it is usually because you are somewhat of an outdoorsy person, which I am that too. I remember going for walks in the woods and just spending time out on the farm. I still have a bookshelf that he made for me and it is dark brown and by my bedside no matter where I move to. I always make it a point to put it there. There was one house where I had it at the end of the stairs but that is when I was little and didn't care where to put it. It did make a little nice reading place for me though.  I will tell you more about that bookshelf in another entry later on.
            It is funny now too because I live in an apartment that is painted a light brown and all my things go along with it. I have mostly dark colored things but I do love like the lime green with the darker brown and the pale blue, more like robin egg blue, with the darker brown too. Then any pale color goes great with the lighter tannish brown. Brown is really an easy color to decorate with. Even in bigger houses now days you will see the basic color is a brown.
             I might be strange but I have always liked the darker colors or browns to painted houses with and decorate with. Light colors can be good at times especially if you have children living with you and I might have to move to the paler side of that if I ever have children. It is said that the paler the color the calmer it might make the child.
             I write this because it just seems strange to me how you can live around a color or decorations so long and don't know how much influence it had on you until it is gone. You could also never know why you like the browns or wooden floors or more of the outdoorsy theme until you really think about it. Those colors have left me and even though I understand that they are way out of date and the other reasons behind changing them it still hurts a little bit but it does look a lot better and up to date. It is just another one of those things that we take for granted day in and day out.
           

Miracles Happen Everyday

            I know I have wrote one about miracles at my job before this one but I think it was sometime last year. I'm not allowed to say much but it is nice to have a job that you can go into everyday with an expected miracle or a surprise miracle. Some of the children come from the worst of homes and it is just so neat to watch them grow in the children they should be. Let's just say that hard work and prayers pay off in this career and you might not get to see it as long as they are there but most of them you do.
             The children that are "normal" you don't see much. You see a little but not as much as you see with children you have developmental delays. It's so hard not to explain the miracle that I'm talking about right now but it is one. I can say that the child had a lot to learn and the child did it. The child is actually "normal" and so cute. I couldn't ask for a better job. Really. When you see how much you can make a difference and put one more star in the sky. It is beautiful!
             In Duet. 10:20-22 in the Bible it talks about how God gave them so many people to their family and because those people loved and obeyed God, He was going to add more people to the family. They started out with 70 and ended up with 1,000s. That is what I feel like I'm doing at this job. I only knew so little about the need of helping abused and neglected children out there to where I could only help a few but now I know so much more and I can help so many more children. It just feels wonderful!
             I come home and just pray for the children and give them over to God because I know I can handle or fix what some of them are going through and I wouldn't want to. It would break my heart. Some children we get back for some time and it is just amazing to see how much they have changed in that little amount or big of time. They would grow taller and skinner or more well behaved or learned to walk or talk. They would just be so different.
            This entry will be a short one. Sorry. I just had to share, though, that I love a job where miracles happen everyday. It might be at this job until I can have my own foster home or adopt a child of my own. We'll have to see. God knows what is in my future and His Timing is perfect! I'm learning that everyday through these miracles. I'm also learning to rely on Him because if I didn't do that then how would these miracles happen and would I see them. Who knows? But I don't even what to try to find that out because that would be no fun at all.
             It is a blessing after a blessing! It is a miracle after a miracle! It is GOD IN CONTROL OF OUR LIVES! If you take time to look I'm sure you would be able to find every day miracles around you too. You don't have to work where I work to see miracles everyday. You just have to have your eyes open and let God work through you!

Triangle of Needs

          I am at the park sitting outside in the 50 degree weather and writing on my blog. What month and season does that sound like? You might think Spring and March but you would be wrong. It is the middle of December and it is still Fall, later Fall, but still Fall. It is 2 weeks until the first day of Winter and it is feeling like this. Amazing because last winter it wasn’t like this at all at this time. 
Anyways, enough about how strange the weather is being in AR.
           I wanted to write about something that I thought about this morning while I was taking a test for my job. Well, actually studying for it. I have studied the Maslow's Hierarchy (Triangle) of Needs for years because my major is Child Development so I needed to know that somewhat. 

The order of the triangle is: 

-Physiological-Basics like food, shelter, water, 
-then feeling (safe)-health and people around you, 
-then feeling (love and belonged)-sense of connection and trust, 
-then good (self esteem)-confidence, achievement, respect, and sense to be self, 
-and last, having (self actualization)-creativity, purpose, and acceptance. 
               
            Well, I was wrong about somewhat with my job I have now and hopefully will keep working in the field, I really do need it. I can see it through the children’s life and in the order that it is too. They could come in very behind and we would need to start at the bottom with shelter or they could start at needed to feel love and belonging. Either way, it is strange how real it is for every child. I mean you could “label” where the child is at and what are the other things that they need from you and what they could work on. I need to think about that more when a new child comes in. Need to think where they could be or are and them help them reach other areas of it. 
                 In the school teacher setting, I knew it was there but couldn’t see it has big as I can now. Of course, public school you get a lot of the same children sadly but I guess I am more focused on it with where I am because really that is all you can focus on and nothing more. I think it is strange how a person could see that and come up with it in the same order that it happens in a child’s life. 
I was just thinking before the test how something you thought you would barely use, you use all the time now. It is strange because most people haven’t heard about the triangle granted I had to take Child Development class 3 times in a row in college but now I know the reason way. :) I was also thinking how I should already have this memorized in the back of my mind and I almost do. Maybe another class or two? Lol! 
                   Not only do teachers and parents use it for the children in their care but one person can use it for themselves. I will admit I need help on the self help and depending on your life season you might need a place to live or a way to feel loved and belonged so you can have better self-esteem. I also believe that no matter how old we get that triangle is life in itself. That is who God made us to be and in new situations, here and there, we need to rethink it. It isn’t just for the  children. Like I said we are all humans so we all need this if this is psycialogocaily and how we are really made. Why be scared of it? 
Sometimes it is strange because things whether physically or emotionally can keep you from having these things whether you are in the middle of anxiety or depression or another sickness. We need to fix that so we can feel that we are somewhat on the triangle. We could live “normal” lives and still something can be wrong with us on the inside. We can have the first 2 but yet lack of the other 3. It is pysicalolgocail and it is hard to understand but the more I look into it and have to deal with different things along the same lines it is interesting. I want to learn more about it and how to handle things with it. I could so study the triangle and work with it somehow and be happy with that. I wonder why even drs. that you go to if you were sick with the flu don’t talk about this or have anything about it in their office. 
                     To wrap it all up, it is just neat to see that something is out there that if we really need to see how we are made, then we can but the truth be told. God made us the way He did and no matter how hard we try to figure it out, we’ll never find out how. This triangle is just a little piece of the puzzle on paper to help us see what areas we need to talk to God about. It is our job to find out when and then it is God’s job, way, and Timing to make it healthily. Just another way to fully rely on Him. We might know what we are like but we never know what is ahead in or planned for our future. We are still God’s servants in His Bigger Plan to save the World.

5 Meaningful Words

         Humble. Grace. Trust. Love. Faith. Those are the 5 meaningful words in my spiritual life right now. I am learning how to act with and on everyone of them. God has shown me so much Grace and Love that I need to pass it on to others. With those two words the words humble, Trust, and Faith gets me too. Something else these words have in common is they help take away discontentment.
          You are so humble that God could love a person like you and be a part of His Bigger Plan. He loved you enough to give you His Grace and we should take it humbly. We don't deserve it at all. It is His gift to us. We just to have have the faith that He can and will use us for Him.
          Trust is also something you have to learn daily. It is a feeling. We have to remember to put these words into our daily lives or the devil can get ahold of us. Yes, we are little and weak but God loves us enough to "fix" us to where He can use us in His Plan. It might be a few months or a season. Still, I don't think there are better words or way to describe how our lives should be in Christ. Humble Grace. Trust. Love. Faith. We are weak but He is strong. That part of "Jesus Loves Me" is so true even as a grown up.
             We need to learn how to live all these actions out by leaning on God's Strength. It is only then that we can live these words out. "We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength" but it is a daily prayer or should be in every moment. We need to give God the credit for everything. It's hard to explain but when you work with people, who has had things taken away from them, you see these words so much more and it changes your life view. You have to get down on their level and that takes a lot of love, trust, and humility plus grace both for you and for them.
               I thought about all of this back a few weeks ago in a women's Bible study. First, I was told to get a testimony ready for the next time we meet and I thought, "hmm.......my life has been filled with love and grace because of so many situations." Then here lately at church and through other situations-humility, trust, and faith has been pointed out to me. To wrap some of what I'm trying to say up, God showed me Love and Grace in my high school years with the things I was suppose to do for Him but missed them because I was too focused on myself. Yet I was humble, trusting, and had faith in Him enough to let Him lead me to where I am today. I would say more but let's just say that I have been blessed to go to a great small college and met some amazing people there whether they know that now or not.
                For some odd reason, college lead me down here to AR where I never thought I would be with the type of children/career I never thought I could handle. God work in amazing and strange ways but when I really look back I love it and wouldn't ask for anything better. Still waiting on some things to happen but I trust and believe that in God's Timing it will happen if it is the desire of my heart.
               Living out the gospel is not easy but it's really worth it. Worth everything I have lost or will never get.  Funny how I wrote this out in a notebook first and then type it on here. It took 3 pages in the notebook but it is so short on here. Sorry for that. I wish I could explain it better but it is just something people have to pray about and really experience themselves or at least see it in person for themselves.

Where Are All the Guys of my Generation?

          I know that might sound like a funny question at first but it is a true question. What is even stranger is that I got up this morning thinking that. Some events lead up to it but still. Here I am almost 27 in a "big" city in AR and been here for 3 years and nothing. I had some guy friends here and there but most of them are too busy to even say, "hey". The guy friends that I do have are a little bit older then I am.  Not only where are the guys but also where are the women of my generation?
           It just seems that my generation is too busy and married to their jobs to care about anyone else around them. All my friends are going back to college or work so hard at their jobs that they don't have time for anything extra. I know we have to work a job to live and that is the sad part but what about community and love. What about a family and getting to know each other personally as I'm writing on a blog? The more and more that I look at it the more and more I get upset with everything. There is way too much technology and we have to work way too much to keep up with people and get more things. The things costs so much more then they use to.
             If I could go back and start my life all over again, I would go back to a year where there wasn't this technology. I would go back to where you had to write letters or talk on the phone or heaven forbidden, go see them or get together with them just to keep up. Yes, I am a very personal person and I have always been. I might not seem like that around a big group of people but I love to get to know people. It takes time but it is great. I also believe that all this new stuff is keeping people back from wanting to say what they really want and feeling what they really want to feel. Remember that first time you got a note in the 3rd grade from a cute boy asking you out? Remember that time you had a blast outside hunting or fishing? Remember that time where you explored the woods while climbing the trees? Remember that time where parents taught their kids at home?
             I am so out of date because that is what I want my life to be like and I want a guy who understands and wants that too but it is too hard to find that anymore. There are only a few out there far between. Most guys are married to their work and that is the only thing they want to do. That and very few guys have any manners anymore. Girls have been let down so many times that they just give up or lower their standards and that makes the guys lower their standards too. It is a wave affect. Both of us need to take a stand and change it.
              How can you feel love or even hate when it happens over Facebook or texting? How can you so that someone made you mad or sad? You just hold that in until it builds up and that is not good either. It builds up from past relationships and breaks ones you are in now or do things you will regret later on in life. People feel like they can't share things personally anymore because it will be all over the internet or people will know it before they see that person again. We don't have time to fix anything when we mess up and it just keeps getting bigger by getting more people involved in it so easily even when they shouldn't be involved.
               As a girl, I might have high standards for a guy but in my case it fits who I am and what I want to do in the future and if I have to be by myself that is okay with me. Guys, I'm not that high standard just to let you know. I am a true Christian girl that is messed up and I want a true Christian guy that can handle that and can admit that he is messed up too but yet together we can grow together in God. Whatever God will have that look like? Is that too much to ask for in this day and age? Seems like it most days. Guys and Girls, this is just something to think about. Are you the person that you are looking for? If not, are you praying that God will make you into that person?

Physically Vs. Emotional

          Sorry I am just writing another entry and it will be short because it is on my phone. My computer is down again. It has also been a long and tiring week for me. Along with busy.
           I was talking to a friend this week and we got on the subject of physical vs. Emotional appearance in the US compared to other nations and it really made me think. I have noticed the same thing since being in Mexico and Guatemala. US has problems with emotions and countries in poverty has problems with physical. That is because we live different lives.
           People in poverty stricken countries are more worried about their health and need help with that. Because of their health, they have to depend on God everyday so their spiritual/emotional health is strong. They have no idea where their next meal or house will come from. They have no drs. to depend on for meds. Or to tell them how to get well. The only Healer they have is God.
             Us, people in the US, though have all of that plus more. Yet we are lost more spiritually and emotionally. We depend on our careers more and drs. More and so on that we forget who to talk to sometimes. When we get sad or stressed or even depressed, we eat tons of food. We even buy things to make us feel better or help us celebrate. We are so much more material then humans.
            We do not get what God is telling us most of the time because we are too busy. Have you ever been overseas and wonder why do I feel calm and/or why are the people so happy? Can I tell you the answer? It is because they do not have all of this material stuff to block the suffering. They share it with their community face to face. They are real with each other and help each other out.
              Where has life gone like that in the US? Are we becoming too rich and self centered? Instead of being a nation that helps, are we becoming a selfish nation, not just with other nations but our people as well? We have the supplies and resources so what are we doing with them. I am not big on talking about the nation as a whole but these questions are good questions to think about.

Well, It is December

          Well, it is December again. That time of year where children are suppose to be happy and waiting for Santa Claus. That time of year where you like back on the year you had. That busiest time of year. For me, December is always a fun month because I get to celebrate Christmas and my birthday. I love that my birthday is around Christmas but it makes being happy for both hard or it has lately these past 3 years.
          It seems like these past 3 years everything bad happened to me at the end of the year near Christmas. It seems like it was just waiting to make my year bad. It all plies up for me at the end of the year. I will say that since 2012 starting in Oct. I lost my Grandad and then in Dec. quit my 1st job in AR. In Nov. 2013, I grew away from a good friend and in Dec. of that year I was all by myself at work, which was fun but hard. Then this past month (Nov. 2014) I lost a really close adult friend that was like a 2nd dad to me. It has just been hard for me when it shouldn't be. It is like my life is starting all over for the new year.
             Another thing that I thought about and it was strange is that December is Advent and all these things have happened to me before Advent so I could maybe learn something about Hope, Joy, Peace, and Love. It is like God saying, "It is time to start over or onto something new. Just have hope and joy and peace in me and know that I Love you." I remember way back in December of 2007, I changed my major not long after that because that is when my Grandpa died. Just strange how God is doing that in my life. I was born in December and lately in the past years it has been like I have been reborn again. He is making me into the person that I need to be.
           It is sad that He has to get my attention that way sometimes but I mean death does happen and what better way to look at it then to think God is using it to change you especially in my way lately. It is strange because since I have moved to AR this all has happened. Sometimes if God has to get our attention that way then that means we are too busy or just not listening. I know back in college, back in 2012, and right now I had/have been thinking about things and not doing anything about those thoughts. Sometimes it worries me but yet sometimes it turns out for the best if I take those chances.
           I still don't see all of the reason why I changed my major but I do see little pieces here and there in all of the jobs and things I have done. God will show me more as time goes on. I am sure of it. Just wonder "why do we have to wait for Him to do something big until we notice Him?" No matter how many times we have been through it if it is the same way, our sinful flesh will never understand and will always fear God. It is our time to spend time with the Spirit and God so that we learn how to hear them both and then trust them enough to do it.
          It is hard because I'm not in the Christmas mood yet. Hopefully, I will be in the coming weeks like by next week because I don't want to miss out on a great, long Christmas with my family and friends.

Do You Know about Eternal Life?

          "These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."-Hebrews 11:39-40

           "Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes may have eternal life in him.” For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."-John 3:14-16

        “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”-Matthew 11:28-30

           The songs that were also sung at the passing was: Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus, Amazing Grace, and The Old Rugged Cross.

          This is the 2nd part of the last entry that I wrote. This is the last thing that got me at the passing of my friend and 2nd father. Stand strong like a tree so you can have enteral life in God. What service do you get reminded of that? I was surprised that these things is what I was getting from it but it did make it happier and like a party because we all knew where he was going. The verses and songs just reminded me of God's Grace and 
Strength that we have in Him. If we remember that, then we will have enteral life forever. 
          It helped me remember that we don't deserve that enteral life at all but through God's Grace and our Faith in Him we can have it. We have it because God has something better for us planned in the future. If He had commend us, then His Works would not be done.  It is like this, with a 2nd father, I think, as older and wiser people get we pass the tradition and information on to the next generation. I feel like I am the person I am today partly because of my 2nd father. I would have never gotten the farm experience without him and because I have that experience it makes me like God's Creation even more. 
          The reminder of an eternal life is a reminder of depending on God and leaning on Him through hard times. It is a reminder that we should lift God up no matter what is going on in our lives or where we are in it. God is gentle and humble and will give us rest if we just ask for it. I love that songs that we sung too because all of them had a theme and went with the verses too. The songs reminded us to look to Jesus and remember what He did for us so we could have enteral life in Him. He gave us grace and died that horrible death on the cross because He cared that much about us. Someday when we die and get to live that eternal life with Him, we will get a crown of glory if we have followed Him in the way He wanted us to. 
          I didn't write this down on my notes because I didn't think it was important about it is. The pastor mentioned another song and it has been my favorite since I could remember it. It is the old song: "Trust and Obey" and that song says it all about my friend's life and I want it to say it all about my life. "Trust and Obey, for there is not other way to be happy in Jesus, but to Trust and Obey." You can't live a happy life if you are living for yourself. You will fail every time that you try by yourself. You have to live for Jesus and by trusting and obeying Him, you are doing just that. You should have joy no matter what. Yes, life will be hard at times but God does everything for a reason and that reason is to make us ready to be with Him and have eternal life. 
           I have a question to ask you: Do you know about Eternal Life?
           

Strong Like A Tree

         "Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
and who meditates on his law day and night.   That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither—whatever they do prospers."-Psalm 1:1-3

          "Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads."-Revelation 22:1-4

            ^" But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other."-Gal. 5:22-26

         " Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’ “‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’”-Luke 13:6-9

    

          There is a very speical reason that I put these verses on my blog. That reason is that these are the verses that was read at a old friend's (my 2nd dad's) passing. His passing is the best one I have been to out of all the other ones I have been to. That might be a strange thing to say and compare but it was. He lived a life that served God and his church. He loved doing and making things for people. He loved children (hint me). He would build things in his wood shop for the church and people. I still have a little wooden bookself that he built for me right by my bedside and that is where it has always been. 

             It was really beautiful that the friends and pastors picked these verses out for him because it did fit him perfectly. He loved animals and the outdoors. His wife and him lived out in the middle of the woods, with a lot of trees around them, on a farm on a gravel road where I grew up. He had cows, chickens, a lot of dogs and cats that I remember. I would go and try to help him milk the cows when I went to visit but I was more of an egg collector. 

              I remember the walks out in the small woods behind the house. On every walk, I use to pick up acorns and collect them. I have pictures of him reading to me outside. That's why I like to read outside when I get the chance to. I just never knew how much his wife and him liked the outdoors but I guess living on a farm you have to in a way. I wonder where I got the love of the outdoors and sewing and rustic things. Now I know. It is from when I was growing up on the farm. 

            I have been going back once a month to visit and it just feels like I am back home because it is so calm and easygoing. So quite too. It feels like I get recharged there on the farm. I thought it was strange because at his cermony I was the only one really crying and I was crying out loud I felt like. His wife (my 2nd mom) joked around with me like we usually do and told me it was okay. One of the relatives that was sitting by her said to her "I love her tender heart." It is hard to think of that person who raised you for the first 4 years of your life and during one week every summer after that until jr. high or high school. 

              It is strange how people in the country can be so much alike but yet so different. Country people do stick with their passions and things and people they love. They will never let their love ones down and will try to help all they can whether be building them something or teaching them something about life. They have hobbies and they do them. Sometimes they will spend all their lives doing that one or two hobbies that they love. It has just opened my eyes to so many different things and gave me more respect for people in my life that I should have had a lot more respect for before this all happened. 

          Strong like a Tree is what I want to be like. I want to take root and stand my ground on my passions and beliefs. Stand up for what I know is right and try to do it. Try to grow more and more in God so I can make a difference in a place where I know I can and will. I want to bare fruit where it is possible too. I do not want to curl up and die that is for sure. 

Strong Like a Tree (5 steps):

-Take root and stand your ground

-Stand up

-Grow more and more in God

-Bare Fruit

-Don't curl up and die

If you can follow those 5 simple steps, you will be living a life for God but not in that exact order. Some of them might need to be changed around depending on the situation.