I've been thinking about what I'm going to write for quiet sometime now and I think it is about time to change things and it will start, hopefully in the Fall and/or Winter. I know I started out writing on this blog about how I would love to do missions overseas and yet I still do love to travel but only for a short time not like a year or 2 years like I wanted to. Missions here in the states are hard to do too especially when dealing with super hard but adorable children. I think it is harder because you know in states have the resources if only parents would look for them and overseas don't. Either way, I just don't think my body and personality is made out to deal with those things. God made me and He made me a way for a reason.
I LOVE the children I work with now and I don't say that lightly. I honestly don't think I could love another person like I love these children and my future husband will just have to understand that until we get children of our own if God willing for both. God is calling me to a different path, I think. One that I can handle better and settle with better in life and everything that goes along with it. It still might not be the easiest but I think I would love it.
I keep thinking about my job that I have now and what I thought about when I started the job, which was "I want to live overseas for a few years". Well, now I can tell you I am thinking differently because it is really hard here in the states and if it is hard here then how much harder will it be overseas. God knew what He was doing with me and my stubbornness. He just had to show me that "no, you don't want this (missions with children overseas) but you do want this (OT)". It is a way of making a difference but it fits my personality and interests.
I've always been interested in different behaviors and sickness since I was in college and it all started with Autism and now it has progressed to Sensory Disorders. You can work anywhere you want from clinics to schools. There are places and positions that you can move up so you will never be bored. If you are done with children then you could do something with adults. It seems to me that in the OT field you always have a choice. Whereas right now, I really don't have much of a choice it is either running a daycare/preschool or working at one as a teacher, assistant teacher, or other positions that doesn't have to do with children.
I'm starting this Fall at the community college in AR taking classes to be an OTA if the college can get that program up and running this Fall of 2016. I like the challenging jobs if you cannot tell but this job in a way will be a lot easier for me just because I can deal with one of two children at a time instead of 6 children that need OT. Not only the children perspective but there is a lot of ways to work if you are an OT. I was thinking about adult OT earlier and if I had to do it and I will for internships for college. I want to do adults that have had cancer and forgot how to do things or adults with Altimizer's Disease because both of those are really close to my heart. Starting out as a OTA, I can go to a COTA or just a OT with a Master's but I will have to go to grad school for that.
I can't wait to start on that path and see where God takes me. At the same time, though, I am scared and worried that I won't like it and that it will be too hard for me. I know, though, that God is with me every step of the way and that it will be an adventure with Him. People tell me, sometimes, that He has me where I am now because it is out of my comfort zone, which might be a little bit right but it is just like I'm working at a daycare, which is what I'm use to just harder children. Whereas, this whole OT idea I have to go to college again and learn new things and be in new places. It would just be a whole new chapter for me and I think I'm ready for that. 8 years in the preschool setting is enough for me. I'm ready to move on with my life and settle with a career and I don't want it to be preschool surprisely.
I want my career to be a stay at home mom but for now I just have to have one that I could be happy with being my career and that I could live comfortably on if that career doesn't come along now or ever. As I'm getting more independent, I'm seeing that preschool jobs are not that high of paying jobs and I knew that to start with. As I'm getting more responsibilities, which I don't mind, I need to make more money to pay all the bills. This is just life, I guess and the process of getting into your 30s even though I have 3 more years but I would like to have a career set then or near then.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
No Words to Explain
I wish I could come up with a better title then the one I have for this entry and maybe later but right now I don't know what to call it. I've been going through a situation this month and it has been hard for me. Harder then people could even think especially those who are involved. I'm going to try to explain what has been going on without saying anything really personal because I don't want the other people to get mad at me. I want to respect their privacy in every way that I can but it is a lesson we can all learn from at the same time. It is better to learn it when you are younger so you don't have to go through so much pain.
At the end of last month, I had a friend tell me that I needed to give that friend some space and first it started with the friend's friend but I wanted to hear it from my friend. The person who knew me better then any other friend. My friend did but it was a hard note but it was one well worth it for the both of us. I even told my friend that I should have done this a long time ago but I was just scared to because of what my friend's reaction would have been. So as you can think this month as been hard for me because I have had to make myself stop the things I was doing.
It has been good for me, though, because I got a lot of things done instead of waiting for that friend. I had to keep myself busy so I wouldn't think about what went on especially the first part of this month. My friend made me see what a fool I was for doing what I was. I was doing something that I shouldn't have been doing. I was trying to control and that is not good for any friendship/relationship at all. It go so bad that I couldn't even see it with my own eyes but my friend called me out of it. I was putting things on hold that I shouldn't been putting on hold. I was cared to move on for some reason.
The things I got done were getting my new car own by the state, got put on the waiting list for a new 2 bedroom apartment, took some extra hours at work, and so on to keep my mind off of things. I have even been looking into the word more because when I think about the situation or how I feel about it, I turned straight to the Bible and see what God says about me and the whole thing going on. It has been a month since all this went on and I haven't wrote my friend once which is a big step for me considering what I was doing. I'll admit I still watch shows and things but I don't stay up for them like I use to. I would say I will watch them tomorrow or whenever I get the chance. One thing for sure my friend is a friend and I will never stop supporting or praying for things for my friend. I want my friend's dream to come to and to be all my friend can be in God.
To me that is what friendship and might I even say, love is really about. It is about being there in ways that might be small and people might not know about and yet trusting God with the rest of what is going on. It is about trusting the people that are your friends and loving them for who they are and not trying to change them at all. It's about letting them get through some hard times by themselves because then how else will they grow if they always have you by their side. What better person to have by your side then God so in time you need to know how to only have Him with you. For me and my friend, or at least I know for me, that is what God is teaching me now is just spending time and relying on Him because in the past I haven't.
I'll admit there are times that it is still hard for me to forget about my friend, there are still times that I want to write or comment on my friend's page but that is not what it is about. I don't think. It is just about letting people have their space. It is great that you care for them but if you are like me you can care a little too much for them and they don't understand it. What I do when my friend comes to mind is just give it to God because I know my friend is a strong believer and tries to do their best in following God's Will for them and really I don't want to be in the way of that either if I'm not a part of it right now or ever.
Just to make it clear to my friend didn't not tell me that I couldn't write on the page anymore. My friend is thankful for the support I give. It is just me telling myself I can't do it for awhile because one I need to focus more on God and two I need to get into a new habit of not doing it as often as I use to. I want to know when to give my friend the space needed and when I can write on the page. I need the wisdom on what to do in this situation for some reason. My mind is going one way and my heart is going the other way. For me, that is how I think I'll know. We'll see how it goes.
Plus, you know what, God can show us things through people who are far away from us too. We don't have to be right up and personal with them to learn things. God can use them as His Light from far away. Love and Friendship can be hard at times but sometimes, most of the time, it is for the good especially if you both are believers in God. It might not work out the way you want it to but you will learn something from it. God has a reason for everything.
Another thing from all of this situation is, sadly, this isn't the first time. I had to leave my friend alone once and then I started talking to my friend again and things were fine until after we both got out of college and on with life but hey, it happens. I think that this is why the 2nd time bothers me so much though. I started to support my friend and help out, took that step and offered to help, but then 5 years down the road I don't get anything for it. I know that is not why we are suppose to do kind things but it is hard in the human way. Then again and I'll say it as many time as I have to my friend is not the bad person here at all. It is that God has different plans for our lives and we weren't meant to talk to each other right now, I guess.
Right now, this entry does not do justice to what I'm feeling or have been feeling this past month but you know, there are just some feelings that can't be explained with words now or ever. This situation, I think, is one of those times. I'm more writing it down for me to remember what I learned then to show off but if you learn something from it too then great.
At the end of last month, I had a friend tell me that I needed to give that friend some space and first it started with the friend's friend but I wanted to hear it from my friend. The person who knew me better then any other friend. My friend did but it was a hard note but it was one well worth it for the both of us. I even told my friend that I should have done this a long time ago but I was just scared to because of what my friend's reaction would have been. So as you can think this month as been hard for me because I have had to make myself stop the things I was doing.
It has been good for me, though, because I got a lot of things done instead of waiting for that friend. I had to keep myself busy so I wouldn't think about what went on especially the first part of this month. My friend made me see what a fool I was for doing what I was. I was doing something that I shouldn't have been doing. I was trying to control and that is not good for any friendship/relationship at all. It go so bad that I couldn't even see it with my own eyes but my friend called me out of it. I was putting things on hold that I shouldn't been putting on hold. I was cared to move on for some reason.
The things I got done were getting my new car own by the state, got put on the waiting list for a new 2 bedroom apartment, took some extra hours at work, and so on to keep my mind off of things. I have even been looking into the word more because when I think about the situation or how I feel about it, I turned straight to the Bible and see what God says about me and the whole thing going on. It has been a month since all this went on and I haven't wrote my friend once which is a big step for me considering what I was doing. I'll admit I still watch shows and things but I don't stay up for them like I use to. I would say I will watch them tomorrow or whenever I get the chance. One thing for sure my friend is a friend and I will never stop supporting or praying for things for my friend. I want my friend's dream to come to and to be all my friend can be in God.
To me that is what friendship and might I even say, love is really about. It is about being there in ways that might be small and people might not know about and yet trusting God with the rest of what is going on. It is about trusting the people that are your friends and loving them for who they are and not trying to change them at all. It's about letting them get through some hard times by themselves because then how else will they grow if they always have you by their side. What better person to have by your side then God so in time you need to know how to only have Him with you. For me and my friend, or at least I know for me, that is what God is teaching me now is just spending time and relying on Him because in the past I haven't.
I'll admit there are times that it is still hard for me to forget about my friend, there are still times that I want to write or comment on my friend's page but that is not what it is about. I don't think. It is just about letting people have their space. It is great that you care for them but if you are like me you can care a little too much for them and they don't understand it. What I do when my friend comes to mind is just give it to God because I know my friend is a strong believer and tries to do their best in following God's Will for them and really I don't want to be in the way of that either if I'm not a part of it right now or ever.
Just to make it clear to my friend didn't not tell me that I couldn't write on the page anymore. My friend is thankful for the support I give. It is just me telling myself I can't do it for awhile because one I need to focus more on God and two I need to get into a new habit of not doing it as often as I use to. I want to know when to give my friend the space needed and when I can write on the page. I need the wisdom on what to do in this situation for some reason. My mind is going one way and my heart is going the other way. For me, that is how I think I'll know. We'll see how it goes.
Plus, you know what, God can show us things through people who are far away from us too. We don't have to be right up and personal with them to learn things. God can use them as His Light from far away. Love and Friendship can be hard at times but sometimes, most of the time, it is for the good especially if you both are believers in God. It might not work out the way you want it to but you will learn something from it. God has a reason for everything.
Another thing from all of this situation is, sadly, this isn't the first time. I had to leave my friend alone once and then I started talking to my friend again and things were fine until after we both got out of college and on with life but hey, it happens. I think that this is why the 2nd time bothers me so much though. I started to support my friend and help out, took that step and offered to help, but then 5 years down the road I don't get anything for it. I know that is not why we are suppose to do kind things but it is hard in the human way. Then again and I'll say it as many time as I have to my friend is not the bad person here at all. It is that God has different plans for our lives and we weren't meant to talk to each other right now, I guess.
Right now, this entry does not do justice to what I'm feeling or have been feeling this past month but you know, there are just some feelings that can't be explained with words now or ever. This situation, I think, is one of those times. I'm more writing it down for me to remember what I learned then to show off but if you learn something from it too then great.
Monday, May 25, 2015
Building a House
Once again it has almost been a week since I have wrote. Sorry about that May is just a busy month for me. Always has been and always will be. I went home over this Memorial Day weekend, I would like to say to rest, but if you know my family there is never rest when everyone gets together. Six siblings plus just doesn't let you rest. Anyways, you also can't rest when your parent's house is half way finished and your dad is finishing the rest. There something you always have to help with, which is great and that is what I want to talk about on this entry.
I always remember as a little child either repainting and rewallpapering the house especially the first one that I started school in and then ever since then we have been finishing houses non stop. The house that I grew up in and finished high school in, we had to tell the builders what we wanted in it because it just got done being built. At least, we didn't have to help with that part but we did have to do the whole downstairs. We had a flooding problem one time and it got the carpet downstairs all wet so we had to strip the carpet and then my dad decided to title the whole downstairs because the flooding was something that would keep happening just because how the plumbing was done in that house.
There was a pretty good sized TV room, hallway that went to 3 bedrooms and then a bathroom and a storage room. We didn't title the storage room but every other room we did. That is where my sister and I slept were in those 3 rooms so we had title as our floor. We also had to work on the bathroom down there and we did get the sink and the toilet to where we could use it but never got the shower working until a year before we moved away from that house. I mean the titling was good. old cement titling with, I was to say 6X6 squares, maybe a little bigger. I'm bad at guessing the size.
Then at the house where my parents live now we are doing the downstairs again because it wasn't done at all. There are 4 bedrooms, a TV room and dining area hooked together, a storage room, and there is a bathroom downstairs but it is already put together and working. We dry walled it which I didn't help with, painted it, put the lights in the ciling (helped a little), then put the fans in (helped with 2 out of 6 fans). Next is going to be titling the floor again but this time my dad got the easier stuff. He got titles that can stick to the ground easily. Why they didn't invent that 10 years ago when I had to help. No idea. The sticky title is almost rubber but wooden looking where at the other house it could break if you like things fall on it.
All this to say that I could probably, not only plan what the inside of a house looks like (aka my major), but also help build most of the inside of a house. Thanks to my dad! It might be smart alike because I have a hard time enjoying it when I go home now and want to rest because of other things going on in my life like work but I really enjoy my dad teaching me these things especially the titling now that I look back on it. I don't want to go home just to help all the time with the house, which it feels like I have been doing lately. I need to be careful what I say on I might be doing some more in the near future. It is something that my dad loves to do and does well and it is a way to spend time with him even if I just stand underneath him and hand him things that he needs. I can still watch and learn from underneath.
Along with teaching me how to build and use my hands for working and being a hard worker. I like to give credit to my undergrad for the whole hardworking idea that is instilled in me but really the credit goes to my dad. Along with the stubbornness at times. :D We are a lot alike in many ways so much alike we don't even have to talk sometimes but we still get each other. I like how he is passing down the traditions of his parents (my grandma and granddad) too by getting each kid and grandkid something that will keep us safe or that is useful for the car or house every holiday but mainly Christmas.
As children and teens, we might complain about a lot of things even doing this with our parents but it is true and I have noticed since I have moved out of state into the "real" world that all those little things weren't really little things. They were big things in a different way. You needed the grown up perspective, not the little child or teen perspective. I guess that is what people mean when they say don't give up on your children because at different stages of life, people learn the meaning of different things because they are looking for that meaning where years before they weren't even thought about it that way.
Guys, just a heads up keep this entry in mind if you are wanting to build a house someday. Just sayin' (smart alike tone). Truly in a way, I'm being careful, when I say this, I would rather stay home and work on the house like that with the children when they are older to where they can help then go back to work. That's just how I was raised. :) Things are so much more meaningful when you do them yourself. That's part of living the simple life, right?
I always remember as a little child either repainting and rewallpapering the house especially the first one that I started school in and then ever since then we have been finishing houses non stop. The house that I grew up in and finished high school in, we had to tell the builders what we wanted in it because it just got done being built. At least, we didn't have to help with that part but we did have to do the whole downstairs. We had a flooding problem one time and it got the carpet downstairs all wet so we had to strip the carpet and then my dad decided to title the whole downstairs because the flooding was something that would keep happening just because how the plumbing was done in that house.
There was a pretty good sized TV room, hallway that went to 3 bedrooms and then a bathroom and a storage room. We didn't title the storage room but every other room we did. That is where my sister and I slept were in those 3 rooms so we had title as our floor. We also had to work on the bathroom down there and we did get the sink and the toilet to where we could use it but never got the shower working until a year before we moved away from that house. I mean the titling was good. old cement titling with, I was to say 6X6 squares, maybe a little bigger. I'm bad at guessing the size.
Then at the house where my parents live now we are doing the downstairs again because it wasn't done at all. There are 4 bedrooms, a TV room and dining area hooked together, a storage room, and there is a bathroom downstairs but it is already put together and working. We dry walled it which I didn't help with, painted it, put the lights in the ciling (helped a little), then put the fans in (helped with 2 out of 6 fans). Next is going to be titling the floor again but this time my dad got the easier stuff. He got titles that can stick to the ground easily. Why they didn't invent that 10 years ago when I had to help. No idea. The sticky title is almost rubber but wooden looking where at the other house it could break if you like things fall on it.
All this to say that I could probably, not only plan what the inside of a house looks like (aka my major), but also help build most of the inside of a house. Thanks to my dad! It might be smart alike because I have a hard time enjoying it when I go home now and want to rest because of other things going on in my life like work but I really enjoy my dad teaching me these things especially the titling now that I look back on it. I don't want to go home just to help all the time with the house, which it feels like I have been doing lately. I need to be careful what I say on I might be doing some more in the near future. It is something that my dad loves to do and does well and it is a way to spend time with him even if I just stand underneath him and hand him things that he needs. I can still watch and learn from underneath.
Along with teaching me how to build and use my hands for working and being a hard worker. I like to give credit to my undergrad for the whole hardworking idea that is instilled in me but really the credit goes to my dad. Along with the stubbornness at times. :D We are a lot alike in many ways so much alike we don't even have to talk sometimes but we still get each other. I like how he is passing down the traditions of his parents (my grandma and granddad) too by getting each kid and grandkid something that will keep us safe or that is useful for the car or house every holiday but mainly Christmas.
As children and teens, we might complain about a lot of things even doing this with our parents but it is true and I have noticed since I have moved out of state into the "real" world that all those little things weren't really little things. They were big things in a different way. You needed the grown up perspective, not the little child or teen perspective. I guess that is what people mean when they say don't give up on your children because at different stages of life, people learn the meaning of different things because they are looking for that meaning where years before they weren't even thought about it that way.
Guys, just a heads up keep this entry in mind if you are wanting to build a house someday. Just sayin' (smart alike tone). Truly in a way, I'm being careful, when I say this, I would rather stay home and work on the house like that with the children when they are older to where they can help then go back to work. That's just how I was raised. :) Things are so much more meaningful when you do them yourself. That's part of living the simple life, right?
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Be Still
God must be telling me to do two very important things: Be still and listen because lately that is all my entries have been about and the lessons come around the right time of the year. I don't know if it is because I'm a teacher's child and was always use to May being so busy or if it is just that this month is my family's birthday month with 5 birthdays in it or maybe and possibly both. I know I have done an entry earlier in the years about being still or at least I have but I know without at doubt they are different. This one is about another experience I had today with a child.
I do want to start off by saying the challenge that I (we) were given at Bible study (women's Roundtable) last night. The challenge was to find a spot before God and just be still before Him and listen. We are scared to do that most of the time because we know things that we don't want to admit will come up during those times but some of things do need to come up to get closer to Him. If that makes any sense at all. I thought it was strange but totally God speaking today when I heard or thought what I did and said.
I have one little girl that when it is nap time her body refuses to relax. She has a hard time going down for a nap because she can't relax her body by herself. She was never taught to. She had the kind of life where she could do whatever she wanted however she wanted. When I put her down for nap lately, I tell her to be still or make her body still and calm. I also tell her that her body cannot move and that her mouth cannot move either because that is not being still. Well, I guess it was that challenge I was given last night but I started to think of a verse and the most poplar verse of the Bible where it says, "Be still and know that I am God".
I do remember my grandma having a sign in her beach bathroom with that verse on it and know as I grow up more and more I know what it really means. I looked at the little girl that I was holding and she became still finally but it was so funny how she was moving without even knowing it or she knew it she just couldn't stop herself from doing it. Aren't we that way with God sometimes? We are so busy trying to do good or be good that we don't listen to Him. We are so busy because we are scared of what He is going to show us in the stillness. When most of the time, we just need to be still and listen for the next step of our life.
I think that is the problem for me right now and God is trying to teach me to be still. I want to do something bigger and understand some things deeper but I keep myself busy because I'm scared of those things. I'm scared that I won't do good or will hate what I learn about those things. They also could be just too hard to understand and might take me awhile to grasped but I won't know until I am still in God. I was telling that little girl "just be still and go to sleep". He says it a lot in His Word.
God talking:
"Just be still, I got this because I love you that much." "Just be still and follow me into the unknown. If you are with me, nothing can go wrong that we can't handle together."
"Daughter (Son), stop running away (being so busy) from me and just rest by being still with me. Listen to what I have to say and watch where I lead you. You have other plans but my Plans are Greater then your plans. Turn away from your flesh and turn to your Father in Heaven. I love you and will take care of you. Don't worry about a thing. I have plans to give you hope and a future. I have plans that will make you prosper beyond what you can think of. My plans will not harm you because I love you too much. Just trust me, Daughter (Son) of Mine. "
I'll admit as I'm typing this God is speaking to me too. It is a really hard thing to follow though. Believe me, I've been trying to do it since college maybe even a little before that time and I still have no idea how to do it. I'm a go getter when it comes to getting things done but sometimes we just need to take that time and be still before God because He knows us best.
I do want to start off by saying the challenge that I (we) were given at Bible study (women's Roundtable) last night. The challenge was to find a spot before God and just be still before Him and listen. We are scared to do that most of the time because we know things that we don't want to admit will come up during those times but some of things do need to come up to get closer to Him. If that makes any sense at all. I thought it was strange but totally God speaking today when I heard or thought what I did and said.
I have one little girl that when it is nap time her body refuses to relax. She has a hard time going down for a nap because she can't relax her body by herself. She was never taught to. She had the kind of life where she could do whatever she wanted however she wanted. When I put her down for nap lately, I tell her to be still or make her body still and calm. I also tell her that her body cannot move and that her mouth cannot move either because that is not being still. Well, I guess it was that challenge I was given last night but I started to think of a verse and the most poplar verse of the Bible where it says, "Be still and know that I am God".
I do remember my grandma having a sign in her beach bathroom with that verse on it and know as I grow up more and more I know what it really means. I looked at the little girl that I was holding and she became still finally but it was so funny how she was moving without even knowing it or she knew it she just couldn't stop herself from doing it. Aren't we that way with God sometimes? We are so busy trying to do good or be good that we don't listen to Him. We are so busy because we are scared of what He is going to show us in the stillness. When most of the time, we just need to be still and listen for the next step of our life.
I think that is the problem for me right now and God is trying to teach me to be still. I want to do something bigger and understand some things deeper but I keep myself busy because I'm scared of those things. I'm scared that I won't do good or will hate what I learn about those things. They also could be just too hard to understand and might take me awhile to grasped but I won't know until I am still in God. I was telling that little girl "just be still and go to sleep". He says it a lot in His Word.
God talking:
"Just be still, I got this because I love you that much." "Just be still and follow me into the unknown. If you are with me, nothing can go wrong that we can't handle together."
"Daughter (Son), stop running away (being so busy) from me and just rest by being still with me. Listen to what I have to say and watch where I lead you. You have other plans but my Plans are Greater then your plans. Turn away from your flesh and turn to your Father in Heaven. I love you and will take care of you. Don't worry about a thing. I have plans to give you hope and a future. I have plans that will make you prosper beyond what you can think of. My plans will not harm you because I love you too much. Just trust me, Daughter (Son) of Mine. "
I'll admit as I'm typing this God is speaking to me too. It is a really hard thing to follow though. Believe me, I've been trying to do it since college maybe even a little before that time and I still have no idea how to do it. I'm a go getter when it comes to getting things done but sometimes we just need to take that time and be still before God because He knows us best.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Be Slow to Anger, Quick to Listen, and Fear God
The title is how my attitude needs to change especially after this past month. All the thoughts, though, came to be this past week when a women from my Bible study was praying over me after having a meal together. I don't know how I got to be so in a hurry and so upset with people that didn't do anything to me. I felt like I've just been a mad person for quite sometime now but I'ml finally breaking free of that feeling. I really can't pin point what got it all started. Maybe being too busy at work and not enough community in my life? Maybe it just seemed like nothing was going to get better? It could have been a lot of things but God puts us in those valleys to teach us things and He he taught me a lot about being single and enjoying it.
After last night's sermon on singleness, there will be a lot more entries about singleness on here because I heard some great verses and sayings that I would love to write my point of view on and maybe help others in their season of singleness. But right now, this entry is going to be for everyone and it is going to be how to react to others. I love the verse where it says to be slow to anger and quick to listen and I never thought about it in the way I am right now and that is because I've noticed things around me that are happening that I don't noticed because I don't do those things. Then the "Fear God" part of the title is from the famous Proverbs 31 verse 30 about a women should be praised because she fears God more then anything in her life.
"Be slow to anger and quick to listen". These past few months you could just flip flop that saying around to explain my life. I was quick to anger and slow to listen. I would get mad easily and not listen to anyone else's ideas. My ways were better and we were going with that. I wanted this now and I was going to get it now. If I didn't get those things, I would be angry right away without an explanation of why I was or why I couldn't get those things. I wouldn't listen at all or I would listen and then talk right back in an angry way without even thinking about what I would or had said. The moment came for me a couple of weeks ago and I still replay it in my mind when I needed a reminder of how to do these things.
There was one moment with a friend of mine that I quite didn't agree on how things were being done but I took a few days to think about it and then wrote my friend back explaining why I did what I did and that maybe I could have done things a little bit differently. I was pushing that friend and wasn't listening to what that friend had to say to me and I should have. I use to be quick and love to listen to people and their life stories and problems but lately I'm just not in the mood. I don't know if I'm too busy with my job or just in a hurry in life wanting things now like I know I can't have now like marriage and a good job. I was never an angry person. You had to do something really bad to get me upset back in college but now lately it seems like the littlest thing would set me off. Things that don't go my way until I remember these 2 verses.
I wasn't talking to anyone or wasn't in a lot of community groups because I felt like I just couldn't take the listening part of it. I had so much on my mind already with work but yet I missed that part of my life a lot. I missed knowing what was going on in my friends' lives and not being a part of their lives. Not knowing what activities were coming up at church and not having fun because I was so sleepy. I wasn't getting together and talking/listening like I use to back in college. I wasn't learning new things and wasn't growing in God like I should have been. I felt a growth shortage in my spiritual life.
I really see what that verse means now and I know it was God showing me that He wants me to live this way because the other way is just selfish and that is not Him at all. On fearing God, what better way to live life then to fear Him. You could fear Him while you are going after Him. You might be fearful of what He has for you in the future but it would be worth it if you would just run after Him. The only time that "Fear" is good is when you are using it towards God in a way where you can serve Him in anything and everything you do. I'm starting to "fear God" more and more and it is a good thing because I'm getting out of my comfort zone and moving on to more of a life then I ever thought possible for me.
Like me right now, I'm fearing Him by starting college classes again this Fall, filling out apartment applications to see if I can move somewhere into a 2 bedroom apartment, and keeping my job and maybe starting something new there in the Fall too. It could also be as simple as becoming a member of the church that I have been going to for the past 3 years this summer or getting into those close friendships that you can really count on. It could also be letting go of things that could need to be let go of for now or forever so you can move onto what God has planned for you.
God is so good all the time, all the time He is good. He will never let his children down. There is always a reason for what He does in our lives and the way He does it. He will bring people in and out of our lives. He will stop things so we can focus more on Him. I know that is what He is doing for me right at this moment in my life.
After last night's sermon on singleness, there will be a lot more entries about singleness on here because I heard some great verses and sayings that I would love to write my point of view on and maybe help others in their season of singleness. But right now, this entry is going to be for everyone and it is going to be how to react to others. I love the verse where it says to be slow to anger and quick to listen and I never thought about it in the way I am right now and that is because I've noticed things around me that are happening that I don't noticed because I don't do those things. Then the "Fear God" part of the title is from the famous Proverbs 31 verse 30 about a women should be praised because she fears God more then anything in her life.
"Be slow to anger and quick to listen". These past few months you could just flip flop that saying around to explain my life. I was quick to anger and slow to listen. I would get mad easily and not listen to anyone else's ideas. My ways were better and we were going with that. I wanted this now and I was going to get it now. If I didn't get those things, I would be angry right away without an explanation of why I was or why I couldn't get those things. I wouldn't listen at all or I would listen and then talk right back in an angry way without even thinking about what I would or had said. The moment came for me a couple of weeks ago and I still replay it in my mind when I needed a reminder of how to do these things.
There was one moment with a friend of mine that I quite didn't agree on how things were being done but I took a few days to think about it and then wrote my friend back explaining why I did what I did and that maybe I could have done things a little bit differently. I was pushing that friend and wasn't listening to what that friend had to say to me and I should have. I use to be quick and love to listen to people and their life stories and problems but lately I'm just not in the mood. I don't know if I'm too busy with my job or just in a hurry in life wanting things now like I know I can't have now like marriage and a good job. I was never an angry person. You had to do something really bad to get me upset back in college but now lately it seems like the littlest thing would set me off. Things that don't go my way until I remember these 2 verses.
I wasn't talking to anyone or wasn't in a lot of community groups because I felt like I just couldn't take the listening part of it. I had so much on my mind already with work but yet I missed that part of my life a lot. I missed knowing what was going on in my friends' lives and not being a part of their lives. Not knowing what activities were coming up at church and not having fun because I was so sleepy. I wasn't getting together and talking/listening like I use to back in college. I wasn't learning new things and wasn't growing in God like I should have been. I felt a growth shortage in my spiritual life.
I really see what that verse means now and I know it was God showing me that He wants me to live this way because the other way is just selfish and that is not Him at all. On fearing God, what better way to live life then to fear Him. You could fear Him while you are going after Him. You might be fearful of what He has for you in the future but it would be worth it if you would just run after Him. The only time that "Fear" is good is when you are using it towards God in a way where you can serve Him in anything and everything you do. I'm starting to "fear God" more and more and it is a good thing because I'm getting out of my comfort zone and moving on to more of a life then I ever thought possible for me.
Like me right now, I'm fearing Him by starting college classes again this Fall, filling out apartment applications to see if I can move somewhere into a 2 bedroom apartment, and keeping my job and maybe starting something new there in the Fall too. It could also be as simple as becoming a member of the church that I have been going to for the past 3 years this summer or getting into those close friendships that you can really count on. It could also be letting go of things that could need to be let go of for now or forever so you can move onto what God has planned for you.
God is so good all the time, all the time He is good. He will never let his children down. There is always a reason for what He does in our lives and the way He does it. He will bring people in and out of our lives. He will stop things so we can focus more on Him. I know that is what He is doing for me right at this moment in my life.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Watching a Child Change for the Better
It has been awhile since I have wrote about the children that I work with and that's because I couldn't see any major changes in the children we kept getting but we have one child that just this passed week I have seen a huge change in and I LOVE it. I was starting to miss not seeing the big impact of what I was doing at my job and God knew it so as hard as it has been with this child, it has been worth everything little thing that we have tried.
I saw my moment yesterday morning while working and it was just amazing to watch. It changed my outlook again and I think part of seeing things about that child is because my eyes have been open too. I have let go of things in my personal life that I needed to let go for a long time so those things are not holding me back. It is amazing to see how something so little can really hold you back from something so big and amazing. This is where I feel like God wants me for this moment in my life. He has "taken away" everything else from me but these children, which I'm okay with for now. I just have to have little moments like yesterday to remind me every once in awhile why I am where I am in life and even job.
This little girl that I have been working with is so out of control or at least her body is. She seems to have no sense of what her body is doing most of the time. When she doesn't get her way, she will throw the biggest fits and even kick and try to bite whoever is near her. She runs away when trying to talk to her sometimes. She has a hard time listening and focusing at the task at hand. She cannot stay still for the life of her even when she tries. She might be able to color for a min. by herself and then she is done but if someone is coloring with her she will color for about 5 mins. but still wants to talk instead of focus. We had a hard time getting her to take a nap when she first got here but that has gotten a lot better even in this past week.
There was only one staff member that could get her to sleep most of the time. I've tried a couple of times where that staff member was there but she would not go to sleep so we traded off and before we knew it she was asleep. I let the staff member put her to sleep all of the time this past week and the Friday came which was her day off but I was there. I wanted to try to put her to sleep so I did and she went right to sleep but it seems like it is a strange way to put a child to sleep. I let her pick between the staff members that were there who wanted to put her to sleep and she picked me. Then I told her that we are going to the room to curl up like a ball and rock in the rocking chair. I told her she could get a cover and her teddy bear. We talked for a little bit about keeping her body calm and quiet and before I knew it she was asleep within 30 mins.
It was also at that moment that I told her that "I love her" and actually could tell her that because I had the patience with her that day and she had a GREAT day. She would be the kind where if a friend annoyed her she would fight back but yesterday was so different. Instead of fighting back, she would just come and run to me and either tell me what was happening or just hug my leg until the friend would leave her alone. Another thing that helps her a lot is A LOT of praise and encouragement. She feeds off of that so much. She has told other staff before that she likes it when people say nice things to her.
Saying "I love you" to her was strange in a way. It was a feeling I never felt with a child before. It was like I really meant it and she really needed it. I was fighting myself at first about saying it because for some reason I was scared to but God pushed those words out of me and I said them. I felt like a connection has finally been made between us. I know I said it on that certain day because I could see what a sweet and smart girl she could really but and I don't see that a lot. I was also feeling like no matter what this little girl does from now on, I know there is a sweet side to her and I will love on her to make that sweet side show so she will know how it feels and will keep showing it even after she leaves.
Children don't understand those things or how adults really think but that is my hope for her when she lives. I hope she remembers that she does have a sweet side and when she shows it that is what counts the most. No matter if you have messed up or been misbehaving before, you can always go back to your sweet self.
As I'm writing this, it is reminding me of who God sees us as once again. We live a sinful life and mess up all the time but God sees the good and great in us. He makes everything work out for the good in us. He knows what we are able to do and He wants us to do and be like that. That is one of the many reasons Jesus died on the Cross for us. He whispers to us too, "I love you no matter what and I want what is best for you". Wasn't Jesus dieing on the cross for us what was best for us in so many ways? God hopes and leads us to the way everlasting.
Remember this: God loves you just the way you are and He will do anything and everything to save you from sin. He will stick with you through the thick and thin times in life whispering "I love you" in your heart.
I saw my moment yesterday morning while working and it was just amazing to watch. It changed my outlook again and I think part of seeing things about that child is because my eyes have been open too. I have let go of things in my personal life that I needed to let go for a long time so those things are not holding me back. It is amazing to see how something so little can really hold you back from something so big and amazing. This is where I feel like God wants me for this moment in my life. He has "taken away" everything else from me but these children, which I'm okay with for now. I just have to have little moments like yesterday to remind me every once in awhile why I am where I am in life and even job.
This little girl that I have been working with is so out of control or at least her body is. She seems to have no sense of what her body is doing most of the time. When she doesn't get her way, she will throw the biggest fits and even kick and try to bite whoever is near her. She runs away when trying to talk to her sometimes. She has a hard time listening and focusing at the task at hand. She cannot stay still for the life of her even when she tries. She might be able to color for a min. by herself and then she is done but if someone is coloring with her she will color for about 5 mins. but still wants to talk instead of focus. We had a hard time getting her to take a nap when she first got here but that has gotten a lot better even in this past week.
There was only one staff member that could get her to sleep most of the time. I've tried a couple of times where that staff member was there but she would not go to sleep so we traded off and before we knew it she was asleep. I let the staff member put her to sleep all of the time this past week and the Friday came which was her day off but I was there. I wanted to try to put her to sleep so I did and she went right to sleep but it seems like it is a strange way to put a child to sleep. I let her pick between the staff members that were there who wanted to put her to sleep and she picked me. Then I told her that we are going to the room to curl up like a ball and rock in the rocking chair. I told her she could get a cover and her teddy bear. We talked for a little bit about keeping her body calm and quiet and before I knew it she was asleep within 30 mins.
It was also at that moment that I told her that "I love her" and actually could tell her that because I had the patience with her that day and she had a GREAT day. She would be the kind where if a friend annoyed her she would fight back but yesterday was so different. Instead of fighting back, she would just come and run to me and either tell me what was happening or just hug my leg until the friend would leave her alone. Another thing that helps her a lot is A LOT of praise and encouragement. She feeds off of that so much. She has told other staff before that she likes it when people say nice things to her.
Saying "I love you" to her was strange in a way. It was a feeling I never felt with a child before. It was like I really meant it and she really needed it. I was fighting myself at first about saying it because for some reason I was scared to but God pushed those words out of me and I said them. I felt like a connection has finally been made between us. I know I said it on that certain day because I could see what a sweet and smart girl she could really but and I don't see that a lot. I was also feeling like no matter what this little girl does from now on, I know there is a sweet side to her and I will love on her to make that sweet side show so she will know how it feels and will keep showing it even after she leaves.
Children don't understand those things or how adults really think but that is my hope for her when she lives. I hope she remembers that she does have a sweet side and when she shows it that is what counts the most. No matter if you have messed up or been misbehaving before, you can always go back to your sweet self.
As I'm writing this, it is reminding me of who God sees us as once again. We live a sinful life and mess up all the time but God sees the good and great in us. He makes everything work out for the good in us. He knows what we are able to do and He wants us to do and be like that. That is one of the many reasons Jesus died on the Cross for us. He whispers to us too, "I love you no matter what and I want what is best for you". Wasn't Jesus dieing on the cross for us what was best for us in so many ways? God hopes and leads us to the way everlasting.
Remember this: God loves you just the way you are and He will do anything and everything to save you from sin. He will stick with you through the thick and thin times in life whispering "I love you" in your heart.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Are You Sure This is What You Want?
I love it when God asks that question (this entry's title) to me. The way He does that is by giving me things I think I would want and then either make me rethink things or take those things away if I won't let go of them. This question is what I feel like God has been saying to me lately? In other words, though, it could be: Why do you want to be in such a hurry to grow up and settle down?
Lately, I have had choices I had to make between friends, jobs, and even apartments and trips. It has been a hard few weeks just with deciding what to let go of for now and what to hold on to. At the start of April, I've had these thoughts about going back to college by taking two classes, should I change hours at my job, and should I move apartments or not and I that I hate to admit but will since I am a girl and I'm not the only girl out there with this thought: Will I ever get married or do I have to hold on? I have been going too fast and not enjoying the children at work or time for myself at all.
I talked to a friend earlier this month and she said that she was waiting and trying to hurry things up but then she realized why wait for the right guy or right job. Why not just live it out? She gave examples like waiting to buy a house or even dishes after she married a guy. Just things you think you need with a guy but you really don't. What is wrong with buying new things for our single life as long as we have some money in the bank? There is another entry about this talk with this same friend I wrote earlier after it happened. The thought just came back to me this past week though.
When we don't need to wait to buy material things, why do we wait to grow ourselves as a person like get more education or go ahead a buy that house or two bedroom apartment. Learn to love the people around you and you will learn how to response to the same people. Learn what marriage really is about while still single and what relationships really are about because believe it or not those 3 things are very different, I'm learning. We don't need a mate to get all of those things. We can do it ourselves most of the time. Yeah, it would be nice to have a mate for more money while going to get more education or paying off a car but that's not what having a mate is about at all.
God is showing me a different plan then I have ever thought of for this Fall. I had a chance to change hours and days at where I work but I didn't take it because I had to give some things up that I didn't want to give up plus I wanted other things before a new spot at work especially if it was going to cut my pay. I would like to move down the street to another apartment but it being a 2 bedroom this time and closer to work and in between both school and work this summer. I'm thinking about taking one class just to get back into the routine of college classes instead of two classes like I planned on. I got offered a 30 hours spot at my work but I need that extra 10 hours. That spot also take away some time with friends, which I'll need during all of the changes. Doing some of these things just because I got a new car that I have to make payments on now.
Plus I'm also comfortable with my job I have now so I can unpack faster if I move and study better if I just stay where I am at know at my job. It would be one less thing to worry about. Instead of changing 3 things and more, I'm just maybe changing 2 things and that is me slowing down. If I want to make things faster I could be taking two classes this Fall and moving spots at work to find the perfect spot but I am at the perfect spot for my life right now. I want to move to a 2 bedroom apartment and start college classes for my OT(A) degree. Those are the two most important things in my life right now.
I'm also learning to love and grow relationships/friendships with people or that is what I'm hoping to get better at so I want to focus more on that then anything. By doing all these things I mentioned before maybe I will be a little bit happier and relaxed and peaceful because it is these two things, moving and classes, that have been on my mind for quite sometime now. I just feel like these are the two things God is calling me to do next in my life. This is the path that He wants me to go down and the order He has for me. I get so caught up in my thinking about doing things that I get to be so mean and bossy to the people around me and I hate that because I could lose/ have lost people around me. I want to show that I have courage and will do what I will say and get what I want through my actions not my words.
Words can really mean a lot but it really are the actions that count when you look up to someone and I want to be that someone, that friend for someone. I'm sick of just saying I'll do things. I want to do them now but I have to do them slow or I will get overwhelmed very easily and I don't want that either. There is a balance in life and I'm learning that balance right now.
What are the most important things and how do I get to them by the way of God? What's God's plan of action? He has one. That's is why God like actions and not talking. Actions get things done right a way. That's a question that we might all need to ask ourselves or a daily basis. It wouldn't hurt a bit.
Lately, I have had choices I had to make between friends, jobs, and even apartments and trips. It has been a hard few weeks just with deciding what to let go of for now and what to hold on to. At the start of April, I've had these thoughts about going back to college by taking two classes, should I change hours at my job, and should I move apartments or not and I that I hate to admit but will since I am a girl and I'm not the only girl out there with this thought: Will I ever get married or do I have to hold on? I have been going too fast and not enjoying the children at work or time for myself at all.
I talked to a friend earlier this month and she said that she was waiting and trying to hurry things up but then she realized why wait for the right guy or right job. Why not just live it out? She gave examples like waiting to buy a house or even dishes after she married a guy. Just things you think you need with a guy but you really don't. What is wrong with buying new things for our single life as long as we have some money in the bank? There is another entry about this talk with this same friend I wrote earlier after it happened. The thought just came back to me this past week though.
When we don't need to wait to buy material things, why do we wait to grow ourselves as a person like get more education or go ahead a buy that house or two bedroom apartment. Learn to love the people around you and you will learn how to response to the same people. Learn what marriage really is about while still single and what relationships really are about because believe it or not those 3 things are very different, I'm learning. We don't need a mate to get all of those things. We can do it ourselves most of the time. Yeah, it would be nice to have a mate for more money while going to get more education or paying off a car but that's not what having a mate is about at all.
God is showing me a different plan then I have ever thought of for this Fall. I had a chance to change hours and days at where I work but I didn't take it because I had to give some things up that I didn't want to give up plus I wanted other things before a new spot at work especially if it was going to cut my pay. I would like to move down the street to another apartment but it being a 2 bedroom this time and closer to work and in between both school and work this summer. I'm thinking about taking one class just to get back into the routine of college classes instead of two classes like I planned on. I got offered a 30 hours spot at my work but I need that extra 10 hours. That spot also take away some time with friends, which I'll need during all of the changes. Doing some of these things just because I got a new car that I have to make payments on now.
Plus I'm also comfortable with my job I have now so I can unpack faster if I move and study better if I just stay where I am at know at my job. It would be one less thing to worry about. Instead of changing 3 things and more, I'm just maybe changing 2 things and that is me slowing down. If I want to make things faster I could be taking two classes this Fall and moving spots at work to find the perfect spot but I am at the perfect spot for my life right now. I want to move to a 2 bedroom apartment and start college classes for my OT(A) degree. Those are the two most important things in my life right now.
I'm also learning to love and grow relationships/friendships with people or that is what I'm hoping to get better at so I want to focus more on that then anything. By doing all these things I mentioned before maybe I will be a little bit happier and relaxed and peaceful because it is these two things, moving and classes, that have been on my mind for quite sometime now. I just feel like these are the two things God is calling me to do next in my life. This is the path that He wants me to go down and the order He has for me. I get so caught up in my thinking about doing things that I get to be so mean and bossy to the people around me and I hate that because I could lose/ have lost people around me. I want to show that I have courage and will do what I will say and get what I want through my actions not my words.
Words can really mean a lot but it really are the actions that count when you look up to someone and I want to be that someone, that friend for someone. I'm sick of just saying I'll do things. I want to do them now but I have to do them slow or I will get overwhelmed very easily and I don't want that either. There is a balance in life and I'm learning that balance right now.
What are the most important things and how do I get to them by the way of God? What's God's plan of action? He has one. That's is why God like actions and not talking. Actions get things done right a way. That's a question that we might all need to ask ourselves or a daily basis. It wouldn't hurt a bit.
Monday, May 11, 2015
Joyful, Patience, and Faithful
"Be joyful in hope, patience in affliction, and faithful in prayer."-Romans 12:12
This verse is a verse that I saw on an email that a friend sent me last week and with everything I am going through and thinking about it really stuck with me. It is a verse I have prayed over this past weekend and still am. It is in my head everyday. I can't get it out of my mind or what it means in my life right now. The version I have here is NIV but my Bible is a different version and this is how it says it:
"Be glad for all that God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful."
Right now, in my life, I need to do all three of those things in different areas of my life. Be glad in my future and what is going to happen up ahead. Be patient with where I am now and all the problems going on. Always be prayerful about where to go and about the people around you and that you care about. I also read on through verse 21 and most of those verses hit me too. It is telling us how to live but lately I don't feel like I have been living that way at all.
Verse 13 is about helping children in need and inviting people into your house. What is my major? Oh! Yeah! FACS and child development. What is my job? Taking care of children in need. To be real with you all, I have been in a place lately where I have been upset with some of the closest people to me and I felt, when I read this, like I was cursing them but God wants me to bless them and be happy with them. Don't be jealous of what they have or are doing but happy that they got the job and got in that position or went that far with it.
Verse 16 also says to live in harmony with one another and that has been a hard one too. It is hard to share when you don't want to tell some stories that have been going on in your life lately but all these touched me in some way. When you are fighting or when you won't live things alone that other people want you to leave alone then you are not living in harmony with them. Don't act like you know everything where you live or work because you are not prefect and you will mess up at times. Enjoy the company of "plain" people because you are just like the same in Christ. There is no better then them attitude in Christ.
Verse 17 says something that I hope I did in a situation this past week and that was to honor someone where people and that person could see that I honor them for what they are doing and not for my selfish ways because that is not important at all. I tried and hope that I didn't pay back evil for evil but hope that I explained myself well enough to the other person so they could understand where I was coming from plus encouragement for them to move on. That, I hope, was doing what verse 18 says, and that is to do your part to try live in peace with everyone.
Verse 20 is how I felt at the end of the week last week. I felt ashamed of myself for what I did. I shouldn't have gotten myself into the situation that I did. I should have done things with it sooner and not let it grow into something bigger and deep like it was. I was just scared to let go so soon, I guess. Even though I am a sinner and I'll be honest I wanted to say some things back right after things had happened but I let myself cool down for a couple of days and then I did something about it and ask for that person's forgiveness towards me. I didn't let evil get the best of me, like verse 21 says, I conquered it by, hopefully, doing good.
So yeah, all this to say that God has been speaking and working through me these past couple of weeks. I've had a lot going on and have seen God in so many different ways whether through friends, children at work, His Word, or something else. It has been good and I learned a lot and I will continue to because I know God isn't anywhere near done with me. He is just scraping off the top and making me humble and then we'll see if I can trust Him with things to come. He is just getting me down to the rock bottom of life so He can raise me back up again.
Out of order but verse 9 and 10 says, "Really love them (others). Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other". Do all of the things mentioned above and more and you will Love with the Love of Christ.
This verse is a verse that I saw on an email that a friend sent me last week and with everything I am going through and thinking about it really stuck with me. It is a verse I have prayed over this past weekend and still am. It is in my head everyday. I can't get it out of my mind or what it means in my life right now. The version I have here is NIV but my Bible is a different version and this is how it says it:
"Be glad for all that God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful."
Right now, in my life, I need to do all three of those things in different areas of my life. Be glad in my future and what is going to happen up ahead. Be patient with where I am now and all the problems going on. Always be prayerful about where to go and about the people around you and that you care about. I also read on through verse 21 and most of those verses hit me too. It is telling us how to live but lately I don't feel like I have been living that way at all.
Verse 13 is about helping children in need and inviting people into your house. What is my major? Oh! Yeah! FACS and child development. What is my job? Taking care of children in need. To be real with you all, I have been in a place lately where I have been upset with some of the closest people to me and I felt, when I read this, like I was cursing them but God wants me to bless them and be happy with them. Don't be jealous of what they have or are doing but happy that they got the job and got in that position or went that far with it.
Verse 16 also says to live in harmony with one another and that has been a hard one too. It is hard to share when you don't want to tell some stories that have been going on in your life lately but all these touched me in some way. When you are fighting or when you won't live things alone that other people want you to leave alone then you are not living in harmony with them. Don't act like you know everything where you live or work because you are not prefect and you will mess up at times. Enjoy the company of "plain" people because you are just like the same in Christ. There is no better then them attitude in Christ.
Verse 17 says something that I hope I did in a situation this past week and that was to honor someone where people and that person could see that I honor them for what they are doing and not for my selfish ways because that is not important at all. I tried and hope that I didn't pay back evil for evil but hope that I explained myself well enough to the other person so they could understand where I was coming from plus encouragement for them to move on. That, I hope, was doing what verse 18 says, and that is to do your part to try live in peace with everyone.
Verse 20 is how I felt at the end of the week last week. I felt ashamed of myself for what I did. I shouldn't have gotten myself into the situation that I did. I should have done things with it sooner and not let it grow into something bigger and deep like it was. I was just scared to let go so soon, I guess. Even though I am a sinner and I'll be honest I wanted to say some things back right after things had happened but I let myself cool down for a couple of days and then I did something about it and ask for that person's forgiveness towards me. I didn't let evil get the best of me, like verse 21 says, I conquered it by, hopefully, doing good.
So yeah, all this to say that God has been speaking and working through me these past couple of weeks. I've had a lot going on and have seen God in so many different ways whether through friends, children at work, His Word, or something else. It has been good and I learned a lot and I will continue to because I know God isn't anywhere near done with me. He is just scraping off the top and making me humble and then we'll see if I can trust Him with things to come. He is just getting me down to the rock bottom of life so He can raise me back up again.
Out of order but verse 9 and 10 says, "Really love them (others). Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other". Do all of the things mentioned above and more and you will Love with the Love of Christ.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Making Payments on My New Car
Again, sorry that is has been awhile since I last wrote, life is keeping me really busy. Maybe this week I can take a break and get back to writing every other day or close to it. I've just been working a lot lately and been really sleepy from life. Trying to sort different things out but at the same time trying not to think too much about some things. I do have a lot of ideas to write about because this past week has been a mess but I have learned a lot about myself and other things. Just felt like God talked to me a lot this week.
I've been praying a lot this week about my future and where I should be going and how does God want me to get there. I also have a child at work that I have been trying to figure out which if you know me that is a pain for me because I want to help them so bad but they are that point where they need more help then we can give them. I guess I can go ahead a tell the story about my new car because I did have something else in mind and do but I need to be alone to really think about that writing. It is a writing where I'm going to write about verses from the Bible. I can also look at my prayers more closely when I am by myself. I've been praying what I need help with and there are sayings that I can write about from my prayers but I can't remember them right off the top of my head.
Well, looking and buying another car was a big task. I've had the same car for about 5 years and maybe a little longer but it was time to get a new one. The milage was getting up there with my cars and it has been in too many crashes. :) I didn't find the car that I have know but my dad did. I would not know where to start when looking for a car. That part of life is too much for me especially right now with everything else going on in my life and the decisions that I want to make or need to now. I wasn't pushing the looking for a new care because of that very reason so my dad would look just when he could and I would too and then give him ideas about what I wanted. Last thing I know, my dad was calling me up on a weekend asking if I could try and get off early at work so I could come up and get the car with him because I was going to sign the papers and make the payment plans.
To tell you the truth, I just sat at the car dealership and listened. I didn't do anything or try to do any of the talking but those who know me would not be surprised especially when it has to do with numbers and math. That is what my dad was there for. I was just there to make sure I want it and to listen and see if everything was planned like I wanted it. I also couldn't think of the questions that my dad was asking the dealer. I can't deal with money now and especially not in the future like for payments.
As I was sitting there and listening to the plan that I was going to have, I was thinking about things. I will admit was it was stressful at first because I had to ask off work and we are short handed to start with and I was having friend problems at the time and in the middle of that and trying to understand just a lot of things in life. I guess you could say. I also worried about if I would have the money to pay those payments because of rent and going back to school like I have planned in the Fall and I don't make much in the job that I am in right now. It got so bad that I woke up in the middle of the night before getting my car with a sharp pain in my forehead. It was, sorry for my wording, but like a headache but a knife going through my head to make that pain. It was the worse headache that I ever had. I usually don't wake up in the middle of the night with a headache at all. It hurt so bad I was crying when I woke up and did for a few mins until I could get up and walk to the bathroom to get meds. After the meds, I went right back to sleep. Strangest thing ever and I haven't had one since then.
Anyways, as I was sitting in the offices and my dad was making the deals and I was just signing the papers, I started to think about how thankful I was to have my dad there to handle everything. I think it was a moment where I realized that he has been there and will always be there for me no matter what. It was something he was excited about and not only the looking part but the finding part too. He finally found a car that he thought I would like for a good deal and I do. He knew the payments that I wanted to make on it and how long to pay on it. It gave me the feeling that still at 27 years of age, I have things to learn from my parents. It really humbled me.
Not only the whole car thing but I got to have supper in the town I grew up in after getting the car and we also drove around the town and school where I started going to school and even the house in that town. It just brought back a lot of memories and emotions for me. It was going back to my roots. It was seeing how much that town as grown and it grew a lot. There were houses all around the school and I was only 7 when we left but I didn't remember any houses or very few around the school.
I got the first car I have to make payments on around the towns that I grew up in and started life in. Another memory made. How many people get to say that? I know this might be a little emotional for some people but it is true and it is a memory that I don't want to go away. It is just another step into "real" adulthood for me. It was a moment that a dad was there for his little girl because she knew she couldn't do it on her own because she didn't understand a thing about dealing with cars. I think the most important part of it was learning and thinking that this is something that I want my future husband to do with "our" children escpically if there are girls in the mix. It made me see that that was another way that a dad could be a leader to his daughter. He took charge for the "first" time and "showed" me how to do it. He was the leader in all of this and I saw that loud and clear.
He did a great job on picking out the car! I promise that I will try not to crash this car at all. :) See if I can finally get a car that I don't have to spend money on fixing something on it because of me. :) Will that be possible?
I've been praying a lot this week about my future and where I should be going and how does God want me to get there. I also have a child at work that I have been trying to figure out which if you know me that is a pain for me because I want to help them so bad but they are that point where they need more help then we can give them. I guess I can go ahead a tell the story about my new car because I did have something else in mind and do but I need to be alone to really think about that writing. It is a writing where I'm going to write about verses from the Bible. I can also look at my prayers more closely when I am by myself. I've been praying what I need help with and there are sayings that I can write about from my prayers but I can't remember them right off the top of my head.
Well, looking and buying another car was a big task. I've had the same car for about 5 years and maybe a little longer but it was time to get a new one. The milage was getting up there with my cars and it has been in too many crashes. :) I didn't find the car that I have know but my dad did. I would not know where to start when looking for a car. That part of life is too much for me especially right now with everything else going on in my life and the decisions that I want to make or need to now. I wasn't pushing the looking for a new care because of that very reason so my dad would look just when he could and I would too and then give him ideas about what I wanted. Last thing I know, my dad was calling me up on a weekend asking if I could try and get off early at work so I could come up and get the car with him because I was going to sign the papers and make the payment plans.
To tell you the truth, I just sat at the car dealership and listened. I didn't do anything or try to do any of the talking but those who know me would not be surprised especially when it has to do with numbers and math. That is what my dad was there for. I was just there to make sure I want it and to listen and see if everything was planned like I wanted it. I also couldn't think of the questions that my dad was asking the dealer. I can't deal with money now and especially not in the future like for payments.
As I was sitting there and listening to the plan that I was going to have, I was thinking about things. I will admit was it was stressful at first because I had to ask off work and we are short handed to start with and I was having friend problems at the time and in the middle of that and trying to understand just a lot of things in life. I guess you could say. I also worried about if I would have the money to pay those payments because of rent and going back to school like I have planned in the Fall and I don't make much in the job that I am in right now. It got so bad that I woke up in the middle of the night before getting my car with a sharp pain in my forehead. It was, sorry for my wording, but like a headache but a knife going through my head to make that pain. It was the worse headache that I ever had. I usually don't wake up in the middle of the night with a headache at all. It hurt so bad I was crying when I woke up and did for a few mins until I could get up and walk to the bathroom to get meds. After the meds, I went right back to sleep. Strangest thing ever and I haven't had one since then.
Anyways, as I was sitting in the offices and my dad was making the deals and I was just signing the papers, I started to think about how thankful I was to have my dad there to handle everything. I think it was a moment where I realized that he has been there and will always be there for me no matter what. It was something he was excited about and not only the looking part but the finding part too. He finally found a car that he thought I would like for a good deal and I do. He knew the payments that I wanted to make on it and how long to pay on it. It gave me the feeling that still at 27 years of age, I have things to learn from my parents. It really humbled me.
Not only the whole car thing but I got to have supper in the town I grew up in after getting the car and we also drove around the town and school where I started going to school and even the house in that town. It just brought back a lot of memories and emotions for me. It was going back to my roots. It was seeing how much that town as grown and it grew a lot. There were houses all around the school and I was only 7 when we left but I didn't remember any houses or very few around the school.
I got the first car I have to make payments on around the towns that I grew up in and started life in. Another memory made. How many people get to say that? I know this might be a little emotional for some people but it is true and it is a memory that I don't want to go away. It is just another step into "real" adulthood for me. It was a moment that a dad was there for his little girl because she knew she couldn't do it on her own because she didn't understand a thing about dealing with cars. I think the most important part of it was learning and thinking that this is something that I want my future husband to do with "our" children escpically if there are girls in the mix. It made me see that that was another way that a dad could be a leader to his daughter. He took charge for the "first" time and "showed" me how to do it. He was the leader in all of this and I saw that loud and clear.
He did a great job on picking out the car! I promise that I will try not to crash this car at all. :) See if I can finally get a car that I don't have to spend money on fixing something on it because of me. :) Will that be possible?
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Friendship and Conflict
What a way to start out a new month of entries, right? This is something that I have thought a lot about the past couple of weeks and especially this weekend. Mainly about guy friends but with girlfriends too because I know I don't keep up or do good with either one. I'm a very socially awkward person most of the time especially when you don't take the time to get to know me. You can't just hang out with me once or twice or even 3 times. You have to give me a lot of chances. It takes me like a year to where I can get to being playfully smart alike with people I am around and my friends.
I have been feeling this past year and wondering why can't I keep any kind of friendships together, guys or girls? I saw a pattern in the way I treated guys as friends but I guess I just didn't want to believe it because it wasn't a good pattern. It is the pattern of the world and I don't want that. With girls, I have compared myself to some and just thinking do we have anything in common. What has been happening lately is some of my girlfriends have been getting married or moving away so instead of spending more time with them before that happens, I have been turning away but I need to be turning towards a lot more or I will be lonely all my life.
I will admit too that the reason I turn away from guys and girls is I have a trust issue that goes really deep especially with guys but with girls too. I will say about the girls' end because this is unreal sometimes that the girl that I thought was my best friend in high school gave me a note our on last day of high school and said I don't want to be your friend anymore. My trust with guys is simple they have always teased in me in high school. I thought I could get rid of those things just like that when I came out into the big world but it is a lot harder then you would think because everyone is so different and we really need to share our past to understand each other. It's not like you have grown up with them for 10 years. Everything is new.
I've already had some major differences while being here in AR between guys and they let me know some nicely and some not so nicely and not by them but their friends. I feel like some of be resolve and we are back to where we started and know we know a little more about each other and where to draw the line. I'm still in the middle of one where I hope I haven't completely messed it up for good. All this to say that conflict in friendships is needed. I have seen it work for the better in my life even through I have turned away instead of towards a lot of times because that is a habit of mine. There are times and moments that I see where that conflict has helped my life with and without that friend.
There are 2 things that I need to work on and that I wouldn't mind help on and these are great ideas. I got them from a meeting I went to yesterday at my church. The whole turning away vs. turning towards, I really need up with that because I do turn away every time there is conflict because if you know me, I'm not the one that can handle or likes to handle conflict at all. If it will make things better and if it is the only way to show a person that I do care for them as a friend or in whatever way then I need to turn towards. Then there is the "Where are we in this friendship?" question for guys and girls. Sometimes, for me at least, this is where the conflict comes in with my guy friends or that is what I think of it as, so I turn away, when really it might not be and I might not need to. Even asking your girlfriends that might be strange but it is a good idea because if you want to tell them something you never told anyone before, you might what to know if they will keep it a secret or not. Do they care enough about you to help you and keep it from other people or will they go around telling others?
Another thing that really pointed out to me in the meeting was: With the opposite gender, you are never out of the friend zone when in the romantic zone. That means you are just closer as people and have more feelings for each other. If you want to see if dating is right for you as a couple, then try it and if they are a true friend they won't go away, might need a break but they could be there. Once you have a romantic relationship, everything does not have to end when you call that part off. It just helped you become closer friends. I still need to pray about that to understand how it works but it is different for different people I'm sure.
One more thing that really got to me is that there will be conflict in any gender friendship because there are different stages that need to be reach as a person and more growth to be done. You can see the changes and growth between us and Jesus: We are the clay, next the sheep, then the servant, and last His Friend. All of those nouns have a different level of action. Jesus is molding us, leading us, teaching us, and then we are by His Side as His Friend. This is just part of the hard life.
Now as I write this out, I'm thinking how crazy am I that I ever thought friendship of any kind could just be easy when God made everyone so different whether gender or culture wise. We each have our own story and we need to take the time to listen to each other's stories. I guess I'm really learning about friendship because I was sheltered growing up as a child and I was also quite. When you get out into the "big" world, you meet so many interesting people that have different stories and come from different cultures and we should just take the time to get to know them. We shouldn't assume anything because that is probably the BIGGEST mistake that we could ever make while trying to make new friends even if we have know them for 8 or 5 years because people do change when they get out in the big world. It is not like we are in high school or college anymore.
To leave you with a challenge and it is my challenge too: Pray for meaningful friendships, ones that will lead you where you want to go in life and if you are a Christian, ones that are from God. Take time to be that friend. Don't ever assume anything, always ask!
I have been feeling this past year and wondering why can't I keep any kind of friendships together, guys or girls? I saw a pattern in the way I treated guys as friends but I guess I just didn't want to believe it because it wasn't a good pattern. It is the pattern of the world and I don't want that. With girls, I have compared myself to some and just thinking do we have anything in common. What has been happening lately is some of my girlfriends have been getting married or moving away so instead of spending more time with them before that happens, I have been turning away but I need to be turning towards a lot more or I will be lonely all my life.
I will admit too that the reason I turn away from guys and girls is I have a trust issue that goes really deep especially with guys but with girls too. I will say about the girls' end because this is unreal sometimes that the girl that I thought was my best friend in high school gave me a note our on last day of high school and said I don't want to be your friend anymore. My trust with guys is simple they have always teased in me in high school. I thought I could get rid of those things just like that when I came out into the big world but it is a lot harder then you would think because everyone is so different and we really need to share our past to understand each other. It's not like you have grown up with them for 10 years. Everything is new.
I've already had some major differences while being here in AR between guys and they let me know some nicely and some not so nicely and not by them but their friends. I feel like some of be resolve and we are back to where we started and know we know a little more about each other and where to draw the line. I'm still in the middle of one where I hope I haven't completely messed it up for good. All this to say that conflict in friendships is needed. I have seen it work for the better in my life even through I have turned away instead of towards a lot of times because that is a habit of mine. There are times and moments that I see where that conflict has helped my life with and without that friend.
There are 2 things that I need to work on and that I wouldn't mind help on and these are great ideas. I got them from a meeting I went to yesterday at my church. The whole turning away vs. turning towards, I really need up with that because I do turn away every time there is conflict because if you know me, I'm not the one that can handle or likes to handle conflict at all. If it will make things better and if it is the only way to show a person that I do care for them as a friend or in whatever way then I need to turn towards. Then there is the "Where are we in this friendship?" question for guys and girls. Sometimes, for me at least, this is where the conflict comes in with my guy friends or that is what I think of it as, so I turn away, when really it might not be and I might not need to. Even asking your girlfriends that might be strange but it is a good idea because if you want to tell them something you never told anyone before, you might what to know if they will keep it a secret or not. Do they care enough about you to help you and keep it from other people or will they go around telling others?
Another thing that really pointed out to me in the meeting was: With the opposite gender, you are never out of the friend zone when in the romantic zone. That means you are just closer as people and have more feelings for each other. If you want to see if dating is right for you as a couple, then try it and if they are a true friend they won't go away, might need a break but they could be there. Once you have a romantic relationship, everything does not have to end when you call that part off. It just helped you become closer friends. I still need to pray about that to understand how it works but it is different for different people I'm sure.
One more thing that really got to me is that there will be conflict in any gender friendship because there are different stages that need to be reach as a person and more growth to be done. You can see the changes and growth between us and Jesus: We are the clay, next the sheep, then the servant, and last His Friend. All of those nouns have a different level of action. Jesus is molding us, leading us, teaching us, and then we are by His Side as His Friend. This is just part of the hard life.
Now as I write this out, I'm thinking how crazy am I that I ever thought friendship of any kind could just be easy when God made everyone so different whether gender or culture wise. We each have our own story and we need to take the time to listen to each other's stories. I guess I'm really learning about friendship because I was sheltered growing up as a child and I was also quite. When you get out into the "big" world, you meet so many interesting people that have different stories and come from different cultures and we should just take the time to get to know them. We shouldn't assume anything because that is probably the BIGGEST mistake that we could ever make while trying to make new friends even if we have know them for 8 or 5 years because people do change when they get out in the big world. It is not like we are in high school or college anymore.
To leave you with a challenge and it is my challenge too: Pray for meaningful friendships, ones that will lead you where you want to go in life and if you are a Christian, ones that are from God. Take time to be that friend. Don't ever assume anything, always ask!
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