No Words to Explain

          I wish I could come up with a better title then the one I have for this entry and maybe later but right now I don't know what to call it. I've been going through a situation this month and it has been hard for me. Harder then people could even think especially those who are involved. I'm going to try to explain what has been going on without saying anything really personal because I don't want the other people to get mad at me. I want to respect their privacy in every way that I can but it is a lesson we can all learn from at the same time. It is better to learn it when you are younger so you don't have to go through so much pain.
         At the end of last month, I had a friend tell me that I needed to give that friend some space and first it started with the friend's friend but I wanted to hear it from my friend. The person who knew me better then any other friend. My friend did but it was a hard note but it was one well worth it for the both of us. I even told my friend that I should have done this a long time ago but I was just scared to because of what my friend's reaction would have been. So as you can think this month as been hard for me because I have had to make myself stop the things I was doing.
         It has been good for me, though, because I got a lot of things done instead of waiting for that friend. I had to keep myself busy so I wouldn't think about what went on especially the first part of this month. My friend made me see what a fool I was for doing what I was. I was doing something that I shouldn't have been doing. I was trying to control and that is not good for any friendship/relationship at all. It go so bad that I couldn't even see it with my own eyes but my friend called me out of it. I was putting things on hold that I shouldn't been putting on hold. I was cared to move on for some reason.
         The things I got done were getting my new car own by the state, got put on the waiting list for a new 2 bedroom apartment, took some extra hours at work, and so on to keep my mind off of things. I have even been looking into the word more because when I think about the situation or how I feel about it, I turned straight to the Bible and see what God says about me and the whole thing going on. It has been a month since all this went on and I haven't wrote my friend once which is a big step for me considering what I was doing. I'll admit I still watch shows and things but I don't stay up for them like I use to. I would say I will watch them tomorrow or whenever I get the chance. One thing for sure my friend is a friend and I will never stop supporting or praying for things for my friend. I want my friend's dream to come to and to be all my friend can be in God.
          To me that is what friendship and might I even say, love is really about. It is about being there in ways that might be small and people might not know about and yet trusting God with the rest of what is going on. It is about trusting the people that are your friends and loving them for who they are and not trying to change them at all. It's about letting them get through some hard times by themselves because then how else will they grow if they always have you by their side. What better person to have by your side then God so in time you need to know how to only have Him with you. For me and my friend, or at least I know for me, that is what God is teaching me now is just spending time and relying on Him because in the past I haven't.
          I'll admit there are times that it is still hard for me to forget about my friend, there are still times that I want to write or comment on my friend's page but that is not what it is about. I don't think. It is just about letting people have their space. It is great that you care for them but if you are like me you can care a little too much for them and they don't understand it. What I do when my friend comes to mind is just give it to God because I know my friend is a strong believer and tries to do their best in following God's Will for them and really I don't want to be in the way of that either if I'm not a part of it right now or ever.
          Just to make it clear to my friend didn't not tell me that I couldn't write on the page anymore. My friend is thankful for the support I give. It is just me telling myself I can't do it for awhile because one I need to focus more on God and two I need to get into a new habit of not doing it as often as I use to. I want to know when to give my friend the space needed and when I can write on the page. I need the wisdom on what to do in this situation for some reason. My mind is going one way and my heart is going the other way. For me, that is how I think I'll know. We'll see how it goes.
          Plus, you know what, God can show us things through people who are far away from us too. We don't have to be right up and personal with them to learn things. God can use them as His Light from far away. Love and Friendship can be hard at times but sometimes, most of the time, it is for the good especially if you both are believers in God. It might not work out the way you want it to but you will learn something from it. God has a reason for everything.
          Another thing from all of this situation is, sadly, this isn't the first time. I had to leave my friend alone once and then I started talking to my friend again and things were fine until after we both got out of college and on with life but hey, it happens. I think that this is why the 2nd time bothers me so much though. I started to support my friend and help out, took that step and offered to help, but then 5 years down the road I don't get anything for it. I know that is not why we are suppose to do kind things but it is hard in the human way. Then again and I'll say it as many time as I have to my friend is not the bad person here at all. It is that God has different plans for our lives and we weren't meant to talk to each other right now, I guess.
          Right now, this entry does not do justice to what I'm feeling or have been feeling this past month but you know, there are just some feelings that can't be explained with words now or ever. This situation, I think, is one of those times. I'm more writing it down for me to remember what I learned then to show off but if you learn something from it too then great.