A Real Flashback

         Yesterday morning was so strange for me. I felt like I was still working at my other job during the morning. It is so strange how it happened. I never had a "real" flashback that was so close to what the flashback was yesterday. My mind remembered everything and my body felt like it did back then. I, also, came home and did what I did back then. I stayed up and cried for a little while. I will admit that. I need to get over my other old job but after seeing what happened yesterday, it is going to be hard. I loved those kiddos and think about them often.
           I thought about our "worse" child at my last job that I had to deal with almost by myself. We were going through changing at my old job when he was there and I was the "normal" everyday one there and he didn't like change so I had to take care of him. He didn't understand much and he really liked a routine that is another reason why I had to help him. I remember him screaming when he wanted something, throwing toys when he got mad, not wanting to be held when he first got there, and other things like that.
            It became a joke between me and some of the staff that saw it but I even got ice cream thrown at me plus other food when he was done eating because that is the only way he knew how to "talk". He was still sitting in a high chair and hated it when he first got there. We had to fight him a couple of times until he got use to it. He came in and started to eat off the floor at first. He was hard to put to bed. Some nights I would just have to hold him tight and rock him. Then we found out that he likes to face outwards and be rocked with his blanket. It was just bad at the start but I loved him more then ever before he left.
             We even tried some sign language with him like "all done" and "more". I swear the day before he left, he did say, "all done" to me after one snack time. Now I see another boy like it at a "plain" daycare and it just breaks my heart. He throws his spoon down, gets mad easily, bangs his head, and grunts instead of talking. I thought about the other boy at my old job yesterday morning and from then on I felt like I was working at my old job with that same boy. I felt that until my break so all morning and then it was back to routine at my new job.
             I felt like I had to figure out how to handle him. My body was shaking and I was stressed out. I was happy that I had another challenge but at the same time stressed. I felt really sad too because just seeing any little kid act like that is sad because you know something is wrong. It felt like I was in a block where no one could help me or would understand what was going on. I talked to some of my new workers about the other kid at my old work a little bit but it is something that you just have to experience to really understand. I couldn't stop thinking about my little boy and how much this boy is close to him.
              Some of the signs with my new little boy is: will only eat certain food, tightens up really tight when he cries, loves to sleep in the swings for us, and so on. He cannot grasp his food like he should. He throws his spoon down to get attention if he is in the high chair. He also leans in to get the food off of the spoon. He doesn't chew the food up and he as already choked twice with us watching. I might fill in more when I have time and as I spend more time with him.
              I just pray and hope that my little boy is in a good family now and getting the help that he needs because he needed a lot of it. I'm going to try and help the boy I have now because he is a little calmer and he has parents that care, which is always a big help. I was honestly living another life and it was scary but at the same time I think it was God confirming something in my life. If I really care for children like this, then I should go on with my OT plan.