Thankful for What I am Leaving Behind

            I got this title from an app that I am using on my phone everyday now. It is an app where it gives you different ways to be thankful for things in your life. One of the ways was called: "Negative Visualization". It is where you take something bad that is happening in your life or just anything different that you have little time left with it. The app said let it something that will end in the next two to three months. It could be a chapter of your life closing soon. It challenges you to think about why you are grateful for that thing or chapter in your life. That is what this entry will be about why I am grateful about the year 2017. I could go back to a lot of things that happened this year and turn them around for the good of where I am in life now.
            I got this challenge on my phone on the 17th of this month. I will write what I wrote on my phone. Here it is: it was, of course, about my job since I was starting a new one in the new year. I came up with 6 things that I was grateful for about my job and how it changed me as a person. The 7 things were/are: meeting a girl like me as a supervisor, being with school aged kids, having a break from a full time job, getting into the school district, it grew me more as a person, gave me more time to myself, and met some pretty amazing kids while I was teaching. I will miss that job for sure but I know God has something amazing planned for me in this coming year. That is why I am thankful for leaving behind my job in this year.
            There are some other reasons I am thankful for my job. With as people that was working there or not working there, it helped me get out of my shell more and be the leader that I know I can be. I know there are things that happened through that job that wouldn't happen any other way. It was kind of like a God divine job for as long as I was there.
             Next, I can put what I am thankful for that happened with my friends. I went to two weddings of two of my very close college friends and clebrated with them all I could. It was hard in the moment because I am now the one of us four that is to get married close by in the area. There is another friend but she lives in FL so I tired to remember that during those times. I look back on those times now and I know that through both of those weddings, they just made me stronger and made me want to wait a little longer for Mr. Right. It also made me think more seriously about where I am going and want to go in my life.
             Even though, I have just started visiting new church this month and only a couple of times so far. Thinking about leaving the one I am at now, I am thankful for it a lot because it has been a big part of my life. I was baptized for a 2nd time there last year and that is where I met most of my AR friends. I also have learned to love the Lord more deeply there and what it meant to have a love relationship with Him. That church too, though, also took me through a lot of heartbreak and what ifs.  Heartbreaks like losing friends because they have gotten married or just too busy with life. That helped me though because I had to search for other people to be my friends so it made me more outgoing and okay with myself. I have done a lot of women's Bible studies there that helped me through some of the hardest times in my life. 
               In a way too, this past year, I have left behind an old lifestyle and started a new one. Left the lifestyle of anxiety and trying to fix it with drs. pills back in June and I haven't looked back since. That is another thing that I am thankful for leaving behind. I have kind of started an organic lifestyle or as organic as I can get with the money that I have right now. I am on some more natural pills plus a little bit of Plexus. Plexus is what I take to help calm my anxiety and it seems to really work. I am trying to eat healthier and can now with a new job. I have also started to use the oils a lot more. Not only the organic lifestyle, but trying to trust God and listen to Him more so I can stop the worrying and anxious. Trying to remember that God is in control and not me.
               I have also been researching a lot about gut health because I feel like that is what is truly wrong with my health. It is not in my brain but in my gut. I just feel like this next year will be a lot of letting go of the things that I started with in AR but for something that I have prayed about non stop since college. I don't want to get my hopes up too high but I don't want to doubt God either. There is a fine line between the two. It is good to change things up once in awhile even if what you thought would come true never does. That is how I am looking at it right now.
              When we look at things in the past though thankful eyes and heart and mind, it really does set our attitude to a different tone. Not only our attitude, but our life too. It shows us the reason what those things happened and what came from those things happening. I know I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for most of the things that I named here and more that I can't write about. This is only a third of the "bad" things that I am thankful for and why. I might be leaving them behind but that is good because I know deep down that those things have grown and changed me to where I can move on to bigger and better things.

Coming Back Around

             "You're about to transition from being skipped over to being sought after! Relax, you won't have to compete for what God says is yours!"
           
                This year is ending in a strange way. It feels like the way that I started out in AR. It feels like God is giving me a second chance on everything. It feels like everything is coming around in a complete circle. It feels like a decade of my life is closing and another one is opening up for me. I just turned 30 two days ago and was thinking about how my life has changed this past decade and where God is having me God as I follow Him. If there is one thing that I have learned through the past decade it is to: Trust God and believe that His Timing is Perfect for things. Here are some ways that makes me think my 20s years have came full circle and ready to start a new decade.
             First thing that is going back to "normal" is that I am starting a new job. That new job is at a daycare too. The only different is that it is with the public school and not a non-profit. I have tried a lot of different jobs this past decade like non-profits, big companies, and part time jobs. I know I have found the right and "simple" one. One that will also use my degree to its extent and have fewer children to teach. It is also funny too because I quite my first job in AR on the same day that I started my new job. That day was Dec. 22nd.
            Second thing is that I am looking for a new church and am trying a small one out. I feel like I am home when I am at the church because it is a small church like I have gone to all my life. The big one that I am going to now has gotten too big for me. Their singles' group have gone down to where I am going to a women's Bible Study every semster. It has also grown so big that it has another big church in another town and am starting to raise money for another one for another town. The missions area has gone down too because I don't here a lot about any trips or fundraisers for it, which is another big thing for me. I have also stopped the children's church/area because it was getting too much for me and too big. It also have changed leadership.
             The third thing just happened yesterday. It is that my sister's cat passed away. I find it kind of strange because it also happened close to when my grandpa passed away when I was 20 and now I am 30. The fourth thing that is happening to me is that I feel like I am being look to again for my knowledge, which is always a good thing. I have the chance to prove once again that I know what I am doing and can do it. I just have to get into the routine of working with toddlers again.
             It is just like God is closing one decade and opening up another one. It is like God is really transitioning from one decade to the other. I am honestly done trying to find out what I am good at and/or what I should do. I am done competing for it too. I shouldn't have to do any of that if I keep following God. It is coming back around so God can make bigger things happen for me. It is His Way of reminding me of things so I can be more thankful in this next year.
             

A 30th Birthday Prayer

         Dear Daddy,

                 I pray that this year will be really different then any other. I want to live the next decade worthy of You and "easy". Five passings, going to college, moving to AR on my own, 4 different jobs, and a friendship I am still holding on to. I know I have grown up so much in every way the past 10 years. Please help me use what I have learned in this past decade. You know my main dream that I want to come true. Please make it happen. 8 years of patience are coming to a close. LOL! I am ready for a new adventure in my life. Daddy, I love you too.

                                         In Christ's Name

                                                   Amen

Signs From God

          I have had this idea for the entry for awhile now but I am just getting to write it because I have been very busy with two jobs in the past 2 months. I am really behind on the entries that I write but it is for a good reason. I am going to write about the signs that I have been getting from God on a lot of things. Before Christmas, I saw a lot of signs from Him to change things in my life to make other things happen but also just to make it better and easier for me. Let's start out with the subbing daycare job that I got back a few months ago and where it has put me now.
          My last day at my part time after school job was the 21st of December. I do and will miss it but it was something that needed to be done espically if I am going to keep living on my own and that is not in the works to change anytime soon. While I was subbing mornings at the daycare, there was a teacher job that opened up. While saw that as the first sign from God to change my life around and I took the chance. I will say that after my Christmas break I will be working full time at that daycare and with better pay and benefits. It was so nice to see the money in my account before Christmas it went back down. That is one sign that is changing my life for the better and I hope it keeps going that way for awhile.
         For my new job, I also looked at the differences between the two jobs and count them as signs from God because most of them were things I have been praying for or wishing for. Things like less then 18 or 12 children in one group or room. Well paid and full time. Like a job that I had before. Also, a place where I feel like I am helping the parents and the children, even though I know I am helping the children everywhere I work and go. My new full time job is kind of a combination of all the jobs I have had in one way or another. That is the best sign to look for when you are trying to follow and obey God. Kind of wish that would be the way it would work in finding a future husband but that is a whole other entry for another day.
         Another sign from God was sending certain children in my life to get me to try different churches and away from the big one I was going to. I loved the never ending talk I had with some of the children throughout the day after school. They would ask me if I was coming to certain things at church. I even had to wear shoes one day because the child didn't believe I wore shoes. It went on for the whole week after I went to church. I have been wanting to change churches and needing to change because of certain situations in my life but I could never find just the right one. The ones I would try were either too big or too loud or both. I love that the child learned that she could be that opened up with me about church and I loved talking to her about it. I am still trying the church out and hopefully will do a Bible study with them and then see if that church is the place for me.
          I also have to get over certain feelings and by that I mean I just have to look past those feelings and see certain people as just people from the church. Another sign from God was when one of the little girls at the church I am trying out asked me "where my hubby was?" It was cute but kind of awkward for me at the same time because she pointed out that I was the only single person there plus she was part of a certain family. This was a little toddler girl too that asked me that question. There were really no other signs from God. Those were the main 3 signs. I kind of want to keep going to that church because I feel like I could be part of the childrens' lives there in some way.
          I will say there was a sign from God back in August with another little girl. The girl was passing out and inviting her friends to her church and that is when I started to think about trying that church out because it was one that I never heard of and then I heard that this family went there so I am trying it out now. It is like God put all of those people in my life to lead me out of the big church into a smaller one that I would like better. It also feels like it is God's timing and not my own. I think I was just in a rush after the situation happened that I was trying all kinds of churches and couldn't stand any of them. I felt like I had to get out of that church so I was getting furstausted with myself at times and just stopped looking altogether until this church came up in my view.
         There were also little things and saying that I thought could be signs from God like the little girls asking me to come to their church and Christmas church party among other things. The little girl even told me about the Christmas Eve Services but I told her I was going to be at my parents' house then. The hugs never get old from either of the girls, whether they are at church or school. It is funny how we miss those little signs a lot in our life but yet they could be a part of something really big in it.
         For some reason, I think all of this is leading up to something but I don't want to get my hopes up too much and then get disappointed when things don't happen. I am trying to focus on what is best for me right now and only me and if other things tend to fall in place then that is even better.
         Knowing what are signs from God and what aren't can be hard to see but I am trying to have that discerment and turn it into strong feelings. I want to do what God wants me to do, not what I think is right or makes me feel comfortable. I will say right now going to the church that I am is a little uncomfortable but I am trying to look past that. There are reasons for that and I am trying not to think about them or act differently because of that. It takes a lot of my energy but hopefully in the long run it will pay off somehow. I love all of these signs so much that I am wanting to keep my eyes and heart open for more signs from my Father in Heaven.

A Good Christmas

          "I want an early birthday present and that is all for me. I want everybody to have a good Christmas."
          
          That is a quote from a letter to Santa that one of my boys wrote in my group. It was the perfect thing ever! I had to let every teacher around me hear it. I had him read it to every teacher. All this was at the beginning of December so perfect way to start the month too. As the month went on, I kept that thought in my head. I kept remembering that even if I was just with my family this Christmas, it would be a good Christmas. I wasn't going to do letters to Santa because some of my children don't believe in Santa but I went ahead and did it. 

            I just had them write letters and they could send it or give it to whoever they wanted when they got home. This little boy was the only one that wrote something that was more valuable then any toy. The other children just wrote a list of toys that they wanted. That boy will grow up to be a wonderful boy if he keeps going along that path. I can only image what he would want as a grown up. He would be one of those people who want peace and joy in this world. He would be the one that wants everyone happy around that time. He is kind of like me. I love Christmas and I want everyone to be together that time of year. I love everything there is about Christmas. 

           It is the happiest time of year and I think the little boy sees that at such a young age, which is good. It is funny how he also just wants one present for his birthday. Usually children want a lot of toys and presents for both holidays but not this little boy. We could learn a lot from him and children in general. It is funny how truthful children can be at times. They make us think a little more about life and a little deeper about it too. That is why I love working with them. They remind me of the simple things of life. 

            I wanted to write a deeper and longer entry about the saying but I just can't. There are no words for what it means. It is more of a feeling then of talking. I think it was more of me wanting to remember what this little boy wrote because it is important to remember things like this in life every now and then. 

Being in the Moment

          "Being in the Moment". If I got to pick how I wanted to end the 2017 year and start 2018, this saying would be it. I have been learning that a lot these past two months and you can tell if you read my past two entries. I give credit to my mom because she has espically been reminding me of this in the past few weeks. Her way of putting it, though, is "Take it one day at a time". If you know me at all, you know I am the kind of person who gets stressed out easily and worry a lot about things.
             For some reason, lately though, this saying has hit and stuck with me. I know it's not the first time my mom has said it to me. Maybe it's because I'm going between two jobs? Maybe it's because something big is about to happen in my life? Maybe it's because I need to pay attention to people and things around me more? I don't know the reason but I can't think of any other saying now.
             "Taking one day at a time." You might be thinking what does that look like. I'll tell you what it looks like to me in this season of my life. In this season of my life, it is working two different jobs and enjoying them both. It is switching my mind off and on for the children that I take care of right now. It is enjoying this Christmas season with my nephews, nieces, and other family members. It is also gone of anxiety and worrying. I am at peace knowing that things are going the way that they are suppose too for now. It is enjoying that one day and only that one day even if it means playing it by ear, which I have done a lot of lately too. 

               "Being in the Moment" also just means spending time with the children that I teach now. It doesn't mean I have to learn every new things right away. It means that I have to get on the child's level and get them to like me first. Then I can learn all the paper work and other classroom things I need to know. It is about sitting down and playing with the children calmly. It is about enjoying the Christmas parties. It also means taking time for myself and relaxing before I go to the other job or on to do something else. It means to rest. It could even be said like this: "Rest in the Moment". It is taking in all the time that you have at one job before going onto the next job. 

                It is the things you like about the job you are at now but remember that you are changing jobs because it is what is best for your life right now. It is about not thinking about what is ahead for the next year but what I can do do make the last month of this year great! It is about letting God lead you where He wants you to be in your life. Down the path He wants you to go down. It is about not taking anything even the smallest thing for granted because you don't know when change will happen. I was not planning for this subbing job to turn into a full time job but it just happened to open up and I took the chance and got it. I think about changing the jobs everyday, when I work both jobs right now, while I'll miss the children at my after school job, I know I can and will make a difference at the daycare. 

                  When we are not "being in the moment", things just seem to get all messed up and that is when worry starts to kick in. That is when my mom started to tell me this. I was so worried about the money side and not having things planned out for Christmas. Things like that were blocking my mind and feelings where I didn't get to know the new children and was not having as much fun as I should be with the older ones. I was also trying to get to both jobs on time plus going back to my house and having a little lunch. It was just a mess. It was then that I didn't care if I was just a few mins late. going or showing up. I just needed time to get myself in the moment I was in or going to be in and enjoy it until it was over for that day.

                If you don't take the time to spend those last few days or mins. with what, later on, you will know as a good thing and/or blessing in our lives. Then we will regret it and want to go back. That in itself is just wrong because we should be living everyday like we were to die the next day or that the Lord is coming back the next day. 

    

Why Plan for Your Future?

         It can leave you worrying so much and that worry can run your life. I use to have my life so planned out, it wasn't funny but here recently I am learning that when you don't plan it out, that is the best thing that could happen in your life. God has really been working on me about having Peace with His Plan and not worrying about anything. I know that was the theme this year as I look back on it or at least one of the theme words. PEACE. He made that clear when He was getting me ready for this weekend at church and for this advent week. I had a moment at my job when I discovered that everything was just perfect and I was exactly where I was suppose to be in life right now.
          While my co-workers were talking about their plans for their lives, I was just looking out the door thinking "Why plan for your future? Nothing will happen the way you want it to or at least that is how I look at it." Planning for the future is a waste of time because everything you plan for won't come about but if you believe in God, better things will come about then you ever planned. Some of the things my co-workers were talking about were things like wanting to adopt and how that has always her plan, talking about how to treat their siblings' children in the future, and so on and so forth. I just looked out into the night sky and felt a big wave of Peace come over my life. For once, I finally really feel like I am where I am suppose to be.
           I feel like I am ready to settle down and just enjoy what God has to bring to my life while walking beside Him and getting to know Him more and more. Isn't that what He wants anyways? I feel like I have two things the way that they were meant to be. Now how to my next two things but with that Peace of God and how He wants to bring those things about in my life. I'm not really stressing or worrying over them. I'm trying to step out and do new things hoping maybe this is what God has planned for me on the path since my old ways and plans didn't work so well. I can tell you know where I am today was not where I thought I would be 10 years ago. The people I have in my life now, I am thankful for but never thought would be in my life.
            When you have Peace, you can just, hopefully, be yourself and people will like you for that. Things might seem a little strange at first but you will get use to them. I love where God is leading me right now. Even though, I am moving on to a better job that can support me, I might be able to see some of my children every weekend or every so often depending on what I decide to do in that situation there. Still looking for Peace in that one because that one is hard in so many ways but I could see God working in strange ways there too with more then just one thing.
           I like what my Pastor said last night and it is was, "Disputations is God's best for you life". As I look back at my life, my planned life, those times of disputations were the best for my life. I mean look where I am now and it is all because I went to College of the Ozarks instead of some place like MSU in Springfield like I first planned to. I am getting the job I have been wanting because of the disputations on that path. God gives us disputations to get us ready for the thing He has planned for us or to get us back on track or both.
          This past month I have felt so fearful of things and even worried but you know what: Joesph was too when the angel came to him about Mary. He just wanted to quit the marriage until Jesus was born. He didn't know what to do with the situation He was in now but God did and He used it for the world's best. That one disputation put the world on their knees. Some people might ask how do we get real, lasting Peace. Here is how: "That kind of Peace comes from God's promises and in His Presence." I wish I had known that when I was struggling with anxiety. That would have been a prefect saying to have in the back of my mind to pull out at any time.
          All this to say that: God's Peace is a wonderful thing to have in your life. It is a wonderful thing to have for now and over your future. Stop being so anxious about your future to where you can't enjoy the moments you have now. Let God's Peace surround you and bless you with moments you will never forget. That is how I look at it right now.

Switching Brains

                Have you ever had the experience where you had to switch your brain from one thing to another? I have been through that for about a month now and I probably have to go through it for another two weeks. I know it is a strange way to think about what is going on in your head but it is true. People think that it is easy to have two jobs that deals with children of all ages. They think that I have it easy in the mornings or afternoons wherever I am at the time but I don't. I get exhausted by Weds. if I am lucky but it is usually by Tuesday so I am barely getting by the rest of the week.
                People tell me to calm down and that everything will be okay and will come to an end soon but they don't get how hard it is switching from one place to another. They don't know the affects that has on a person, especially a person that already has and can get really bad anxiety. It would be okay if I had time to switch but I really don't. I only have a hour to go from little kids to school aged children. A hour to switch is not enough at all. I have found myself this past week thinking that I need to switch modes right here and now. I need to get into the big kids side of things before I go there and meet them for the afternoon.
                It is hard for me to explain for an anxious driven person like me, it is an actual thing. I can feel myself doing it. I don't know if it apart of the calming down process or what but there is this feeling like I am switching modes. It does take a lot out of me too because when you have to think these things and then these other things it is hard especially when you are learning new things to go with your new job. I usually need to take time and think things over especially if they are new to me but I can't when I have another job with bigger kids to go to so I push it aside. It is sad for the little children because I feel like I will need to learn everything over once I get full time with them.
                People also think that once you have dealt with all children, then you can deal with all of them the same way. That is never true and never will be. You have to get down to their level if you want them to see that you care for them. You have to make sure that you are doing everything right for that one program and not get the two mixed up. I literally have talked to myself these past few weeks and told myself that it is time to switch. That I needed to calm down and switch over to the other age. Then it is even harder when you come home and have other things to do or want to go right to bed because, and this might just be me again, I need to calm down before I get in bed or do anything else. I need that period of a few mins. to calm down a switch over.
                The way it bothers me at nighttime is that if I don't get that time to calm down, then it is hard for me to get sleep. My mind just keeps running and I just keep thinking about the things that I was taught that day or that went on with the children that day. It is just the introvert part in me. You know when you are introvert when you have the feelings of switching brains for different things. I know that is an interesting way and maybe even kind of scary to look at it but it is true and I have noticed it a lot with these two jobs. That is something else that I learned about myself while teaching both places. God is using these two jobs a lot for me to learn about me. There is no doubt in that.
                  Just please remember: "When you ask an introvert to do things, please give them some time to transfer over to that thing. Don't rush them. That is probably one of the most things that we hate, is being rushed." 

Come Forth As Gold

Job 23:8-10New International Version (NIV)

8 “But if I go to the east, he is not there;
    if I go to the west, I do not find him.
9 When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
    when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.
10 But he knows the way that I take;
    when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

           This verse is one I heard last Sunday from my parents' church. I hung out on it all week this week with it. This is the verse that I turned to this week when I needed a reminder. It is a verse about suffering but yet it tells us that there is hope in the making. I also shared this with a friend of mine because I thought it went perfectly to their situation too. I love the promise it has in it. 
            As you read the entry before this one, you know that I have worked two jobs this week and that I "suffered" a lot or that is what it felt like at times. I didn't understand why God put me in what I thought was a mess before my mom said something to me one night and then I started to remember this verse. I thought I just made this huge mess and that I was never going to get out of it but my thinking got turned around and this verse helped. 
             We tend to look for God in where we think He is or should be. We want things to go our way and that is the only way but God has other plans to do other things. It is almost like saying that our ways are like the east and the west. That is where we are and we can't see or find Him there. The reason is because He turns to the north and the south, that is where He is working. He is working opposite of us and what we think. He also knows that we go away from Him at times and He knows the way we take when we do that. 
             God can test us at those times and see how we come out. It usually ends up working out in His Way. He will use anything to get our attention. It could be working two jobs to see which one is the best. The two jobs could also build you up as a stronger person trusting in Him only. He could even use a truck horn or another kind of animal to make another animal go away. It could even be the way the weather turns out that day. When I say that I mean, He gets His Way but mostly importantly He gets us closer to Him and that is what He wants all along. He wants us to come forth as gold shining for Him. 
               I know for me lately, He has used all those things and even more to teach me to trust Him more and just be patience but living one day at a time. As humans, we are so wrapped up in the future most of the time that we forget to live in the present. We want so many things right away that we forget to rest when we have the chance. Trusting Him and being patience are the two things that God always works on with me because those two are not my strongest ones, I will admit. Things will come when God says it is time. I just have to trust Him with them. 
                While I am in that waiting period, He is just refining me so I can come forth as gold. That is the promise that He has for us. Through the rough times, or what we think are the rough times, through that horn that made me miss something or those children being crazy today, that another animal that had to come through at that time, or so on, God is just making us into something more beautiful like gold. He is also teaching us to be more like Him. Although it might not be our plan from the start, we are glad that it was God's plan and we couldn't have thought it up better ourselves. 

Working Two Part Time Jobs

            Starting this coming week, I won't get to write everyday. I will be lucky if I get to write 2 times a week. I have some entries that I plan on writing out this weekend so all I have to do is push publish but it won't be done that day. This past week and for another week or two, I have and will be working two part time jobs. I call them that now but really it is one full time job and the other is a part time job. How does that work you might ask? Here is how. I got hired at a new job under the same people and that job is full time but I am staying at my part time job until they find someone to replace me. It is confusing and very unusual for a job to do that but in the field I am in it is no surprise since it is hard to find people that will work for work and not the pay.
            It all has been a learning process for me though and in a strange why I kind of like it. Although it is confusing and busy at times, it can be very rewarding too because you are helping a lot of children at the same time. I work at my "full time" job in the mornings and then I get a hour lunch to eat lunch and drive over to my regular part time job in the afternoon. I am still trying to figure out what is the best way for me to do that. This past week, at the start of it, I was buying a lot of take out food and/or drinks because I was so stressed but by the end of the week I got to where I was packing my lunch and eating it at a park near my afternoon school. I also got the little things that I needed to get done like phone calls done during that time too so it took some things off my plate when I am at home.
             I am learning a lot about myself and what I can handle through all of this and how much I can take before I break. I noticed at the start of the week I was getting anxious again to where I was shaking every so often and crying randomly and a lot. Those are the two main signs for me that I am really stressed and that my anxiety is going up, up, up. There were a couple of days that I couldn't calm down at all so those were the days I was shaking really bad. It is good to know these things though so you know how to stop them too. My mom helped me to figure out what to do and that thing is just to take time to rest. I am a person who the outdoors will calm down so that is where the eating lunch at the park came into play. I could also walk somewhere that is outdoors because going to my afternoon work.
            It is hard working two jobs because even though you might think one is easy which that is my part time job, I am still learning and having to learn new things for me new jobs. There were times this week where I stayed late at my new job just so I could learn some new things during the children's nap time. I would try and learn one new thing about my new job each day this past week. I can say I heard about it but actually doing it will take some time and I will have to be there full time to get the hang of it. It also gave me some ideas to do over this weekend and things to look up and learn about too if I have time and that if is a big one. People probably think I am crazy for teaching toddlers in the morning and school aged children in the afternoon for about a month now and probably will end up being two months by the time we get things figured out.
             I will say that I agree with that but at the same time I am glad I have this chance because it isn't just me that I am learning about and understanding more. It has also helped me understand some people around me and in my life. I couldn't quite get certain things with certain people because I could not understand why things were taking so much time or why they couldn't just hang out without making plans or so on but now I see why. It isn't at all just putting things together but putting them together where it pleases the people you are trying to reach and that takes time. It takes time to learn and research those things. It takes time to do certain things too whether traveling or sitting out in a tree stand and filming and hunting at the same time. It takes time and a lot of energy.
             More then anything that I have learned, it has to be how much energy it takes to do what you love to do. When you are passionate about something, you do use all of your energy to go and make it happen. If you want it to be big, then you put that energy and passion into it. It just gives me more of an understanding where I needed it and now I get it. I get the behind the videos set up and at the same time feelings too because they always play a big part in making dreams come true. Feelings like excitement, sleepiness, hopefulness, disappointment, anxiety, wanting to give up but yet having someone there to cheer you on and so on. I have felt all those and probably more this past week and I just want some time by myself to write it out like I am now. There might be more about that in another entry soon.
             It does make a difference though when you have a friend you can look to or on and know that they are or have been going through the same things as you. You just know that your aren't alone in it. This whole getting to where you want to be in life is a journey and you can't do it alone. Things won't go like you want them to and some days you will have to take it one day at a time but you know that someone has been through it that way too. When that someone is in a better spot then they were 5+ years before, really should give you the encouragement to keep going and push through. I know where I am now is no mistake. God put me in this mess and transition to understand some things and people so I can relate to them because that is just the heart of our God. Isn't it?
              Plus it could be answers to so many prayers, spoken and unspoken, past and present, I just can't name or think of any of them right now. In a way, I still have it a little better then some people because it isn't two full time jobs and for those people, now, I have the upmost respect for them. I can barely do one and a half time jobs. How they do two full time jobs? I have no idea. They really don't have time for anything else and they do have to sacrifice a lot if they want it perfect. God has got my attention now for sure.
              He will do anything to get our attention if we won't give it to Him freely. When you have the chance, my advice to you is to give your attention freely to God when He asks because if you don't, He will get His Way and it might be harder then you thought.

60 Things I Am Thankful For

Psalm 9:1New International Version (NIV)

1 

I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;    I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.

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1. Friendship with God

2. Parents that care and help me

3. The Huntin' Grounds

4. My Apartment= a place to live

5. Friends

6. Food to eat

7. A job I love

8. A Truck Horn

9. Clothes to Wear

10. Children

11. Beautiful Fall Colors

12. A way to talk to God about my most important things.

13. Sleep

14. Babies

15. Fellowship Bible Church

16. Co-Workers I can joke with

17.  Phone

18. My Nieces and Nephews

19. My Good Health

20. A Close Family

21. Coffee

22. My Long Term Subbing Job

23. Pay Days

24. Missed Opportunities

25. Dream come true

26. The Path God Has for me

27.  God's Grace

28.  Confidence

29. Peace

30. Washer and Dryer

31. Car

32. Cooler Weather

33. Having Things to Commit to

34. Strength to get through each day

35. Puzzle Pieces

36. Outdoors

37. Creativity

38. Regular work hours, not too early.

39. Sunrise

40. Water

41. The feeling of freedom from things.

42. Being a teacher's kid

43. Books

44. Patience 

45. Safety 

46. Being in the Moment

47. Pets

48. Quietness / "Me" Time

49. Meaningful talks

50. Time of work in life

51. Missouri

52. Arkansas

53. Singleness

54. Strong work ethic

55. Sunsets

56. Farmers in my life.

57. Hardships

58. Stars in the county 

59. Traditions

60. Forgiveness

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           Here is my list of what I am thankful for this year. I have came up with all of these 60 things just in this month of November and by Thanksgiving. I could keep going on to 100 things, which I think I will in one of my journals, but I just wanted to get something on my blog for Thanksgiving. I might even explain some of the things later on in the next month because it is just good to be reminded of what we have to be thankful for and why.

Jealous of a Season-A Poem

Jealous of a Season

It is strange when you are jealous

Of a Season. How can you be?
Does it really take things away
From you? You never think
about it this way but it's true.

Think about Fall. It takes people
Away from us to go hunting. They
Are gone every weekend. They are
Out with their guy friends. Their
Love is going towards the deer.
That's the only think on their mind.

It is their other love and passion.
Yet it's hard to be mad at them
Because at the same time, they
Are providing for you. It could be
A lot worse. You can't show them
That you are jealous. You just
Have to love them for who they
Are and all of their flaws.

The jealous feeling comes and
Goes too. It's always hard at the
Start of the season but by the
End you will get use to it again.
You will be thankful for the
Days you have alone. That is
Why it's called, "jealous of a
Season".

Written By: Tiffney Wilson

Written On: November 22, 2017

A Relationship Prayer

Dear Daddy,

          You have us both on roundabouts. Those are the journeys You care about and so should we. We both have a story of our own to finish before we are promised to each other if it's Your Will for our lives. It's along one for sure. I just wanted to pray for my future husband's need of You to grow stronger everyday and because of that need that he will become more intimate with You. I don't want him to go apart from You. I want him to draw closer to You and live a full and satisfying life with You. We are both learning of the story. The pictures of life are always unfolding. Sometimes the things we love the most aren't part of the puzzle that we need to be living in that moment. Maybe there are other things we need to start paying more attention too? Maybe there are things that we need to fix because we messed it up in the past? Maybe we need to get off that roundabout or actually let that puzzle piece fit together like it is suppose?

             
                                                       
                                                                                                                           In Jesus' name,

                                                                                                                                 Amen

The View Underneath Heaven

The View Underneath Heaven 

Sometimes I wonder why the world
would look like in Heaven. I wonder
what God sees when He looks down.
I wonder what the people passed on
before us sees when they look down.
I wonder what the view is like
underneath Heaven.

Is the world in a mess and just looks
like a big, messy blob? Does everything
in it look broken and disordered? Does
it look like everyone is going every which
way? That's how it looks like if you are
actually living on it.

Or does it look this way? Does it look like a
masterpiece of art like a painting? Is everything
in it fixed and together? Is every one following
the same path? That's what we want it to look
like in our own way.

There is One Way that can look as white and
pure as snow. It's not our way at all. It has already
been done too so really this is what it looks like
especially to God. It looks like His own Son
getting busied and beaten.It looks like His Son get
mocked. Looked like His Son was all alone in the
dark.

It looked like His Own Son being sacrificed
on a cross for our sins. But that wasn't the end
at all. It looked like His Son rising from the grave.
It looked like Hope again. That's what the view
underneath Heaven looks like.


Written By: Tiffney Wilson

Written On: November 20th, 2017

Medicine is Not the Source

            "We use signs of life to measure health." 

"Jesus Christ is the Source of Life and not just any life but enteral life."


            This was last Saturday night's sermon but I thought it really fit me. I needed to hear it over and over. Even though I am not on anxiety meds. anymore because I had this feeling that things weren't going my way and that I was to dependent on them, this message really hit home for me. It is crazy how the people of today think. They think that meds., diets, oils, and other things is all they need to get and stay healthy. While that might be true for our bodies, let's not get the two confused. I think I got the two confused. Yes, my body needs to be taken care of but not the way I thought it did. I was anxious and worried because my spiritual life wasn't with God's plans.
           During the last months before I stopped the meds. on my own, I was not myself at all and to be honest if you asked me what happened before July of this year of this year, I couldn't tell you. I blame the meds. for that. I think they messed me up more then helped me or the kind I was taking at least and I stopped completely because I was going through so many kinds in what seemed like every 6 months. It is true we do use a lot of signs for our body's health. whether it is blood pressure, weight, feelings, and so on. Don't get me wrong I know God made our bodies to tell us when things are wrong but my thing is then why are we trying to fix it with just meds.
             I am all for the organic and natural ways of making your body healthy because we are using what God has given us in that way. When you show that you have signs of life, it is dinfantly not the same as having life. Trust me I have been down that road and I hate it. My anxiety meds. kept me alive in a sense that I was moving and talking every day but not in a good way. I wasn't living my life like God intended me to live it. It is like those meds. only made me live on the inside and care about me and not what was outside and around me. I made people care about me. I didn't care about other people. I am much more aware of how other people feel know then I was when I was on the meds. and I love that because I can make a difference for God that way.
             Really the last meds. I was on kept me from having and living a life. I was so depressed and worried about things that I couldn't have fun. It is strange because during the sermon too and I know I already wrote this quote somewhere but it is just as important here too, my pastor said, "Mind and heart works together to trust and believe". To me, a person that has been on anxiety meds. know that is truer then probably anyone else in the world. You get more anxious and depressed on those meds. because your mind is getting "fixed" but your heart isn't. They are out of rhythm when you are taking the meds. or they were for me. I was fighting within myself but kept it hidden really good that nobody saw but it made me so sleepy.
              We can use all the signs for and of life that we want but we can't forget about our spiritual well being. That is just as important as our physical bodies. We can't take something that will mess that up. When my pastor said, "Jesus is the Source of Life", that made me happy and made me think through all of this. No wonder I feel better now then I did in the past and no wonder that I am moving on in life instead of hanging back. There are only 2 signs for our spiritual life and to keep in check to see if Jesus is our Source and here they are:

-We have Love for God and others. Not just ourselves.
-We obey God's commands. Not our feelings.
 
               There is a verse that I love and think that explains signs of life perfectly and it is 1 John 5:3-4.

"3 In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, 4 for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.

              God's commands are meant to give us joy. They are not meant to burden us. We should do them with Love in our hearts. I know that sounds cheesy but that is the best way I can put it for now. When we do His Commands, not only should they give us joy but they do because we have victory over the world. God has given us that victory already and we should hold onto that. 

A Missed Opportunity

            I know this past week God has been reminding me of one thing that I am thankful for and that is a missed opportunity that I could of had but didn't and He showed me the reason. He showed me that His Plans were better then mine. This past week was the week that I could have gone on another mission trip to Honduras with my church but God had other plans for me instead of that. God answered my long time prayers of getting another full time job. Yet I'm still waiting to start it and for it to be finalized, it is an answer to prayer.
           This might be a short entry but it is one that will be filled with hope and inspiration or that is what I am hoping for at least. If I did go on that trip to Honduras, then I wouldn't have been able to have an interview and get the job that I have now. I would still be stress about making enough money and my life choices. The interview was this past Tuesday and they called Weds., if I remember right, and offered me the job. Everything happened so fast but it was prefect and is prefect. If I went on the trip, I would still be holding onto that part time job I have now and would be for a longer period of time. I know I probably can't make it sound amazing as it is but it was pretty amazing.
          This new job is like the job I have been working towards all my life. It has the same ratio of children that the college daycare did. It is a 1 to 8 ratio so it is a lot less children then I have had in the past 8 years. The position is a infant/toddler lead teacher position. It pays a lot more then I have ever been paid in childcare. It is hooked on with the school in Bentonville so that means it is also a contracted job so I get all vacations off but the summer one. We work during the summer. It is mainly for the high school students' children but some of the teachers' children go there too. We get to help the students with their children when needed. We have programs for them when they ask. It is also volunteer work for the students like they can come in and help us with the children for credit.
            It is a place where I am hoping to make a difference. It has all my daycare jobs plus my children's shelter job and teaching jobs all in one. It is like what I have been working towards all these 8 years plus a dream come true for me. It is strange but I might stay here for a longer while. Maybe even past 4 years? All this to say that God took a missed opportunity for me and turned it into something more meaningful and fit for my life. There are people around here that I can touch. I don't need to go all the way to Honduras to do that. The stranger thing is that I feel like AR is becoming more of a home for me. I put a lot on this job when I said, "Yes" and I knew that but I think I will be okay.
             I mean my next dream to reach is to get married and have a family and right now I am nowhere near that. Maybe I can start to focus on that now since I got a full time job that I love and can handle for a few years. But then again, I can't decide what happens when and this here should remind me of that. I have been through a lot and missed a lot of things because I was so caught up in my lifetime job search. Like some people, would say I have given up a lot to get to this place that I am know like a lot of missed opportunities. It could be with trips, health, other jobs, family time, buying things I want and so on and so forth. I am thankful that God knew what He was doing though and kept me in the states for this one thing.
               Whatever it might be an unanswered prayer, which I have gotten millions of, or a missed opportunity, a sacrifice, whatever you want to call it: "It is worth giving up when you are really following God's Lead on His Path that He has for you and your life." I will say this too that if you do have those things in your life, then keep doing it because better things are ahead. They should just keep encouraging you to go full force. See what you are doing differently to see what caused that thing to happen so you can keep doing it.
             I know for me there were times this past week that I had to look at something to remind me why I was doing what I was, why I was going for what I was going. I even had to look at the things I were fully committed to even. I mean the people that interviewed me made me do it by what they said about my job past. I spent all day thinking about why can I commit to something for so and so long but not to a job yet for that long. I am a person who will commit when she finds the things she loves to do or on. We do things sometimes just to move on with our life and hope things and people will get the clue and follow. I say that in the nicest way possible.
            The question they ask me and you could probably ask yourself this too in other situations of life: "I see you only spent 2 or less years at your other jobs, why is that? It just concerns us because we are looking for someone for the long term." Yeah, jobs might look that way but if you look into my life and the opportunities I did miss because of committing to something I love or liked. If you looked into my life and see what the things and people are the I am fully committed to right now and don't even have to be committed to some of them, then you will see what kind of person I truly am.

Choosing What is Right

                   "It is that moment that you chose not to be real(Love)that you will be like all the others and you worked too hard and gave up too much to be like the others. It is that moment that you remember it is all for Jesus." 
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It's all about You, Jesus."-Heart of Worship

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1 John 5:3-4New International Version (NIV)

3 In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, 4 for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.

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                This saying is something that I came up with while trying to encourage a friend of mine this pat week. My friend was having a hard time sharing a "mistake" that was made while out in the woods. Let's just say my friend missed a deer. My friend didn't know whether to tell the story about how it was missed or not but my friend went ahead and shared it in hopes that someone else needed to hear it too. My friend was unsure, just for that moment, if he wanted to be real and that is where I came up with this saying. 
             It is true about my friend. When you have given up so much, why not keep being real, right? If it has worked so far then why stop now. My friend hasn't missed a shot in quite awhile so it is understandable to be upset. When you don't want to be like the other people around you, then you have to be real because you know that the other people aren't being that. That's not what the world is known for today. 
             I added the word "Love" in and the last sentence in this entry because it just made more since and it was deeper then I wanted to be with my friend but it is true. If you want to love, you have to learn to be real with the person you like/love and the others around you like their family. That is something that I am still working on everyday and it is an everyday process for sure. Loving people is what God wants us to do. Love, I thought, was always a kind of ministry that we could show off everyday. I mean what better way for people to know that we are God's children by us showing love to them.  I will say too that my friend's show is God-based because my friend is a firm believer in Him and my friend will even say that it is all done for God and no one else. That is how we should live everyday life. We should live it as all for and about God and no one else.
           I put the verse in this entry because I love it. I love where it says that we can overcome. That His commands shouldn't be burdensome. In fact, His commands should makes us joyful if we do it out of Love for Him and others. It is not burdensome to obey His commands. It might be hard at times. Yes, but not burdensome. It should bring us joy that He even trusts and believes and loves us enough to give us those commands. If God doesn't mean for His commands to be burdensome, then He wants us to have joy everyday. It should bring us pleasure and happiness and joy to obey His commands and to have the kind of faith we have in Him.
           Yes, it can be hard at times to live out His commands and of Love but then we look back to see what God has done for us and that is when the joy comes and overwhelms us. We can have joy because we know who holds everything in our lives if we put our lives in Him. It is just like the saying above but I think this is a simpler and straighter way to put it:

"You have worked too hard to throw everything away in this one moment that you don't feel like being real, so why not look at it with joy in some way and share it with your friends or wait. No matter what happens, always remember that you chose that path so don't go blaming someone else or even God."
               

If You Forget to Clean Your Gun

              The title might sound crazy and that it isn't coming from me at all but there are times where ideas for these entries come from other people and other situations in life. I learn from other people and those people are encourages me with or without knowing it at times. You also might think that this entry is messed up because of the comparison I am going to be making but again it will make sense just in a strange way.
               Forgetting to clean your gun at times can be compared to forgetting to clean out or guard your heart or even checking it at times. There are signs for both and to do both things right and get a good outcome. For the gun, you want to be able to shoot what you are aiming at and hit it. For the heart, you want to be able to love and do it well to the people around you. If you forget to do something as little as clean the gun or put the bullets in, then it won't work right. Even if you do those things, it can still be block by the simplest of things. You might think you don't need to clean the inside overtime before you shoot or you can shoot so many times then you can clean it. That isn't true. I don't know much or if anything at all about guns. I am not there yet.
                But I do know a little something about love and God. Hear me out on this. You have to do little things to make the gun work, right? Same with Love, there are signs you need in your life and other people need to see in your life to know that you Love God with all your heart. I have 3 of those signs from the sermon last night. I will tell you I tried to wrap my mind around it while I was at church but I just couldn't without writing it down like I am now. Those 3 things you need are:

-Love for God and others.
-Obeying God's Commandments.
-Knowing that God has overcame the world. 

               The verses that were used were: 1 John 5:1-13. That chapter tells us how to clean our lives and live it our of Love. One of the many chapters and books that are in the Bible. Yet at the same time, we could have the signs of life in us but that doesn't mean we are alive. Just like it means the gun could look great on the outside, all nice and shiny, yet it is dirty on the inside as well. We can still be living but living as the world and not how God wants us to live in Love.

"It is possible for something to be alive and temporally not show any signs of life."

            Just like we are to the gun, we are the source that that gun needs to have to work. We need to be there to pull the trigger. God is our Source of Life. Enteral Life only comes from Jesus and nothing else. We might try to find other ways and things to be the source but if we know better, we always turn back To Jesus. This next saying really gets me because it makes me see how to grow and pursue deeper relationships and friendships.

"The mind and heart works together to trust and believe."

            If you don't keep those two things clean, then it is hard to trust or believe anyone around you. It is even hard to trust yourself. I have been there. I have doubted myself about what I have said or even done but I am getting better at it. I know now that both my heart and mind have to agree with each other. While I didn't understand what was going on until last night, it all makes sense on how I look at things and relationships. When both things agree, it does make it easier and gives you more peace about it. I'm not a hunter but I know during the hunts that those two things have to work together along with the gun to know when to pull the trigger. It is the same feeling. That same happy and rush feelings. Those feelings of you can't lose and when you make it, you are just overwhelmed. When you don't make it, you just feel like everything has been lost and it is your fault.
               You have to figure out right away what you did wrong. You look at you when very well it could have been the other person just wasn't ready or there was something wrong with the gun like not clean enough. I could do 3 page entry on this topic but I think I will stop this one here and type up another one. The point I want to get across in this entry is this:

"Be real with what you have, especially when you have given up so much, because you never know when it will touch someone's else life."

Verses I Want to Share

Daniel 2:20-23New International Version (NIV)

“Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;
    wisdom and power are his.
21 He changes times and seasons;
    he deposes kings and raises up others.
He gives wisdom to the wise
    and knowledge to the discerning.
22 He reveals deep and hidden things;
    he knows what lies in darkness,
    and light dwells with him.
23 I thank and praise you, God of my ancestors:
    You have given me wisdom and power,
you have made known to me what we asked of you,
    you have made known to us the dream of the king.”

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Psalm 119:130New International Version (NIV)

130 The unfolding of your words gives light;
    it gives understanding to the simple.

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Ruth 3:18New International Version (NIV)

18 Then Naomi said, “Wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens. For the man will not rest until the matter is settled today.”

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Isaiah 58:8New International Version (NIV)

8. Then your light will break forth like the dawn,

    and your healing will quickly appear;

then your righteousness will go before you,

    and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.

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John 6:35New International Version (NIV)

35 Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.

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2 Timothy 3:16-17New International Version (NIV)

16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the servant of God[a] may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

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1 Peter 4:10New International Version (NIV)

10 Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithfulstewards of God’s grace in its various forms.

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