God is Really Doing Something

             God is really doing something in my life but I still can't tell which way He wants me to go with it. I had a situation last year that really got me worked up for a few days and I didn't think about it much about it til this month. I have been trying to change some things about me and how I do some things. I hope that I have gotten better at not doing those things so much or not at all. It was just really strange this past weekend though. I knew the days were coming up and that it would be a year since everything happened and I could look back and see how I did. I forgot the exact date until I looked back at my email and saw the exact date of the letters. Now granted, I thought it was end of May and start of June but really it was just the end of May.
             Why I am making the statement: "God is Really doing something" is because this past weekend on the days the situation happened last year, I felt really bad. You could even say I was sick for a bit. Knowing me, though, I am not that one person that gets sick really easily but once I slow down and if sickness has been going around I could catch it and not know it until I slow down. This past weekend that is what I thought happened to me but as I look back at things. I honestly believe it was something really different for me. This whole month I have been thinking about these days and trying to think of a way I could solve it and hoping I was doing the right thing and not too much of the things that was disliked and so on and so forth. I even wrote a letter earlier this month that I have been freaking out  over a little bit every now and then.
             I can't really say what I think it was because I don't want to scare anyone away. That seems to be my favorite thing to do lately but those of you who have had the same feeling might know what I am talking about or trying to explain without saying it. I will say that there was of course and for sure some anxiety this past weekend because I was just thinking about it a lot this month and wonder what I would do when it came but at the same time I don't think that was all, even though some people might think that is all that was. You have to dig deeper and ask yourself, "Why would you be so anxious about days that things happened on?" If there is one thing about anxiety that I know to be true, it is always that it is could be and usually is triggered by another feeling or feelings. I also thought it was just anxiety because my routine is going to change again in little ways and I hate that but it wasn't going to big time so I ruled that out especially now that I know why.
            I will say too that the first full day of summer today went just fine. Nothing bad happened and the children were great. I was also getting up late in the morning and later for work then I would have liked to be most days last week. This past weekend, I just woke up Sunday (28th this year but 29th last year) and just really felt sick to my stomach and really sleepy all day. I will say to that Saturday night my legs were hurting and really tight or that is what they felt like anyways and I couldn't walk by the time I went to bed that night. I didn't know if I would make it to church that morning because my stomach was so upset. I woke up with it upset. I really didn't feel like eating much of anything and if I did it wasn't much at all. I went to take a Sunday afternoon nap and napped for like 2 to 3 hours. I got up and felt a lot better by then but I went back to bed at 10:00 and stayed asleep until the next morning.
            I will also say that the sermon that morning was titled "Confessions of Sins". I thought about how I had or at least hoped I had confessed my sins and that everyone in the situation knew that and forgave me too. The preacher also talked about God and how He forgave us. The preacher also talked about how blessed we are when God forgave us. There will be an entry with outlines about that sermon soon. The sermon just seemed to fit perfectly too. God knows.
            I woke up Monday (29th this year, 30th last year) and felt fine. I slept in until about 9:00. I was just a little sleepy but I had my eating habits back to normal. I helped my mom outside by carrying rocks and planting small trees. Then of course after that, my legs got sleepy again and I was ready for another nap so I took one at about 2:30. I was only going to lay down for 30 mins. but slept for about another 3 hours. I really didn't want to get up and head back to AR. For some reason, I just dreaded it this time really bad and I usually never do. I would get up from my nap and look at the time and think oh, I got a few more mins. and I did that about 3 times until it was 4:00 and ready to get up so I can pack to go home and eat supper before I did.
              I got up and just felt like crying, which was unusual too. I would cry when people weren't looking because I had no idea why I was crying or if I was crying because I was leaving home, I didn't want anyone to see that. I got up from that nap really irritated and just sleepy again. I left my parents' house and got back to AR and everything was fine. I had to toughen through it and get enough rest for the new day the next day.
              At this point, I am just clinging to the Hope we all know and Love. I am not trying to think deeper about it but I wanted to write it out just in case it was more. I know that might be funny to some people and not make sense to other but then something like this is hard to understand for the person going through it and observing it. That is why God should be the center of all the choices in your life. I've learn and grown a lot this past year and seen things I didn't see before. I can't go back to the past and fix things because trust me I would if I could but I can change the future by having God at the center of things.
            That is my goal, to love and be more open and understanding. I won't be perfect at it because there is only One who is but my goal is to be like Him in those ways.