When I say the power of the word "no", I am not meaning between parent and child in this case. I am not even meaning just from the child. I am meaning between a friend and a so called friend. I am also meaning the act of not responding when you really should. I have been through both in my life and that's the reason it is the way it is to this day. I really believe that it is what started my axienty. Here is why I believe it has had a big impact on my life.
No one really understands my life when it comes to boys/guys. I feel like I was cursed back in the third grade because of something I didn't do but should have. I was thinking and mapping it all out last night and it makes sense. Now I just have to learn how to rekindle everything so I have at least a chance in my lifetime. I was one of those girls that always blamed the guy until last night. I was the one that messed up way back then and it has followed me around ever since.
Here is what happened back then and I regret it really, really, really bad. I would like to go back to see what would have happened if I did it "right" but I don't regret how things turned out. It was just hard and had been hard since then. I took the harder path, I think. Like I said before, it all started back in third grade. I moved to a new town and school the summer before I started that grade. I was so nevous when I started that I didn't know what to think. Look back now, I wasn't thinking straight.
Not only was I nevous because I was in a new school, but 2 weeks after being there, a boy in my class wrote me a note asking me to be his girlfriend. It was very George Strait's "Check Yes or No" ish moment. Funny that I am describing it that way now. I remembered that I was so happy that someone gave me a note that I went home and showed my mom or that is how I tell it. I don't remember exactly what happened after I opened it and read it but I know I showed my mom somehow because I remember her saying something to me. I remember saying, "you can't date right now so write him back and tell him no and that reason. You know what I did next. Nothing. I totally advoided it and him I felt like. Since that moment in third grade, I've never been the same and either has my life. By not writing him or saying anything back, I chose the hard path for my life and continue to chose it for some reason.
No one really understands my life when it comes to boys/guys. I feel like I was cursed back in the third grade because of something I didn't do but should have. I was thinking and mapping it all out last night and it makes sense. Now I just have to learn how to rekindle everything so I have at least a chance in my lifetime. I was one of those girls that always blamed the guy until last night. I was the one that messed up way back then and it has followed me around ever since.
Here is what happened back then and I regret it really, really, really bad. I would like to go back to see what would have happened if I did it "right" but I don't regret how things turned out. It was just hard and had been hard since then. I took the harder path, I think. Like I said before, it all started back in third grade. I moved to a new town and school the summer before I started that grade. I was so nevous when I started that I didn't know what to think. Look back now, I wasn't thinking straight.
Not only was I nevous because I was in a new school, but 2 weeks after being there, a boy in my class wrote me a note asking me to be his girlfriend. It was very George Strait's "Check Yes or No" ish moment. Funny that I am describing it that way now. I remembered that I was so happy that someone gave me a note that I went home and showed my mom or that is how I tell it. I don't remember exactly what happened after I opened it and read it but I know I showed my mom somehow because I remember her saying something to me. I remember saying, "you can't date right now so write him back and tell him no and that reason. You know what I did next. Nothing. I totally advoided it and him I felt like. Since that moment in third grade, I've never been the same and either has my life. By not writing him or saying anything back, I chose the hard path for my life and continue to chose it for some reason.
I always, through the years, kept thinking why is he teasing me non stop? Why won't he just stop that? Thinking and looking back now, I never gave him the chance to stop it. I was the one that made him look like a fool that day and he could have felt weak too. I don't want to put a story in his life that wasn't there but there has to be a reason for the teasing all my life and me not answering something that meant so much to him back then totally makes sense. I will out this in this blog, last night i stayed up and wrote a fake letter that I wouldn't mind sending to him at all but not going to because that has pass. He was just paying me back for that time and all the time after that. Recently, I had a situation in my life that I was the person that got the "no" and it didn't feel good at all especially when the other person wrote it.
Made me think how bad it must of felt to be totally not there to a person like my third grade friend must of felt. Granted he was one of the poplar boys anyways but still. It is also because of this situation way back then that I think my anxiety gets the best of me around guys. I really think that is when that all started. Since then I have either said "no" or not had a guy that like me like that. Well, I find one that I like like that and he tells me "no" right away. The guy now is just giving me what I gave the boy back in thirds grade. I was just getting back what I threw out back then. That boy was the writer and I was the responser and chose to response with nothing. Now I am the writer and another guy is the responder and he wrote "no" and of course it is or was the guy I really care(ed) about at this moment in my life.
It came back to bite me. That's for sure. You try to get over something that happened years ago and then the person just shuts you down once again like there were no feelings there. I know I have a chance of both of them reading this if they really wanted to take the time to look, which they don't because to them both I am just a nobody right now. Just a girl that passed them by in high school and in college. Just a supporter but nothing more. I don't know anyone that can understand my "guy" problems but I have never even been on a date in my life and I think I messed it up for me way back in 3rd grade because when a group of boys teases you all through high school, for that one thing among other things I am sure, you have to get a personality change and it isn't pleasant for any other guy. You have to be the strong, stubborn, sassy, determined (good) women along with all the worry and doubt in the world when you put up with boys like that so you don't do anything to yourself.
Sometimes it will follow you for your life and think that you have to take that into a friendship and be the first to say something or anything and that doesn't even work for you. You think you have to be the one that helps get over the bumps and holes in the roads but that is so wrong. You think that God needs your help in putting you and someone else together but He does't because He is bigger then you and He knows better. When that doesn't you just give up on your dream. You think you have to take it to the next level whatever that may be but you don't have to. In other words, you take the lead when really it is the Godly man's job to do that in any relationships. Yes, this all came to be last night and I even have a little diagram written out in my notebook to help me remember and just to make sure I got everything right.
Thinking all of this all of your life, no wonder that you might have problems and holes in your heart that you have kept from the Lord. You might have kept your whole life away because you just thought you could handle everything on your own. When it comes down to everything, you can do anything on your own, God is your everything and you need to be very dependent on Him to get things down in your life.
No comments:
Post a Comment