Being Scared of Life

            I can't really write what I am really feeling and why but I just wanted to write something that will help me this moment in my life. I want to remember what it feels like to be scared before I jump into something that might change my life totally around. I will say though that I heard a lot this week about stepping/jumping out of my comfort zone and how I would be blessed if I did. I also heard a lot about how other people need to hear my story and how my story up til this moment as happened for a reason such as this. It is strange how scared I am right now at this moment in my life. I think I am even more scared then I was when I moved here to AR 8 years ago.
             I will tell you I was sacred back then because I didn't know AR or Bentonville at all but this time it is a different kind of scared. I guess you could say it is a lonely, scaring feeling even though I know I am not alone. I have people who care for me and who would do anything for me but there are just some deep parts of my life that is just between God and me right now and those are the parts I am scared of and not understanding right now. I came to AR knowing I would have people by my side to help me get through things. I know I still do now too but at the same time I don't. Every one of my friends seems like they are getting married and starting their own family. Seems like everyone else has moved on and am happy where they on and have been there are few years now where I am just getting to that point and started it this past week.
               It is like God is putting me in situations where I need to be and I feel like I need to be but I don't know the reason yet and that is killing the planning person in me. The scared feeling that I am feeling right now is hard to explain to people because I can't because they wouldn't understand the stories behind what I am feeling and why right now. Now I know that is where telling my past stories come in and I will be getting to those and might even type some of those on here but it still can't add up to what I am really feeling. It is like a happy and good scared feeling. It is a feeling of I am happy where I am right now but I am so happy that something(s) just seem too good to be true. You know what I mean? It is like how can this be happening to me now. Yeah, I have prayed for something like this to happen for years before and I want it to happen and here it is happening.
             I am not complaining about it either. Don't get me wrong. I love where God has me right now. It is just in my nature to understand and all God is telling me to do right now is to: "Trust Him" and that is hard for me. As I look back on my past, I am finally seeing reasons for the things that I went through and things I have prayed for in high school and later finally coming true but yet I am scared. Could it be because it did finally come up on me but not in the way I (big stress there) thought it would? Could it be because God had some other way to bring it about and I couldn't see that way? Could it be because God knows better and best? I love how things are happening now and hoping good things will come from them and believing that too but I don't what to get my hope up too high. Every time I do something seems to go wrong.
            I seem to mess things up or things change and go the other direction then I thought they would. This is probably the first year I am really scared of what God has planned for me. Really scared but yet I have a good feeling about it. I guess I need to get pass the amazement part of everything but yet if I get past that part won't everyday just be normal. That is another thing I am scared of. I want a new routine but what if all the good things just because normal things. What if going to a new church just becomes going to another church? What if a new job just becomes another job? What if I stop getting hugs from some of the best kids around? What if? What if? What if? I know I ask that question a lot and it is a bad habit to be in and I need to stop but can't. I know that if we live in Christ everyday should be a day of amazement but it's hard to think that way especially when it becomes normal.
              I guess that is why I haven't settled down on just one church just yet or haven't tried new things at my new job. I like this time of in between but I know for some people and especially for the people that care about me and that need my help like at work, it just isn't fair in a way if you know what I mean. I know right now I am thinking about wanting to see some friends that I haven't in a long time and talking to them again because I have learned a lot of new things since I have talked to them last but what would I do after that wears off. Get what I am saying? I am seeing Blessing after Blessing right now and loving it but what happens when it all becomes normal again? I think I need to write a poem on this subject sometime soon. I could do a really good one.
              Maybe it will be up before this coming weekend and if not it will be up during that weekend? I will give you a challenge with this entry too and it will probably be one of my best ones yet.

Challenge: 

       "Don't lose the amazement in everyday life. Keep looking for the amazing things that are around you even when life becomes normal. Keep being scared of life in a way that will make you turn to God everyday."

              That's something I need to remember and even pray about too.