The Holy Spirit

            Holy Spirit convicts us of our righteousness. For God, it's not at all about out performances or our perfection. It is all about His Son. The Holy Spirit is in our lives to remind us of that. He can say, "Here is part pf your Son" (for lack of a better wording) to God when we need help or don't. God loves us no matter what so we can stop worrying. The things you want or plan to way you want but better. You might not know how it will turn out but that's not for you to know. If you do, it is because God has blessed you by letting you know it.
            It is only the matter of the heart that matters and your heart to God. We can't always think about our actions because we might do something God wants us to do but seems out of touch with the people around us. If you did it out of the right reasons and it lines up with God then why care about anything or anyone else or what they think about you. When we unveiled everything by pulling those 2 things away, it does an amazing thing. It changes who we are into who Christ is. For me lately, it has been messing with my anger issues. I say that like I have them bad but let me reassure you I don't. Yet I have moments where I hide and think angry thoughts. Now I would say the surroundings made me do it but we all know we like to blame other people and things.
           I usually pick out one thing of the Gal. 5 chapter that I need to work on for a year or month. I even will pick one out if I notice I need to work on one when the verses are brought to my mind again. This time the thing is "Joy". Joy is what I need to work in this season of my life. The Holy Spirit has shown me that. I have been in such a rut for some time now. But my eyes have been unveiled, I have seen the process of everything going on and why and sometimes I get curious on how I got there or why I am even there. Then I remember that God must have some sort of plan for me so I just relax in that or that is what I have been doing lately anyways.
          I have seen things like learning a lot about the deeper meaning of things. Things like how it feels to be in the middle of a situation, seeing things from the inside, how it feels after you tell someone how you truly feel and how much more your eyes can be open and enjoy life more after that, and most importantly what it really means to have a deeper, loving relationship with God. I have even learned about some new feelings in the past few months that I didn't know were possible. It is strange how when you follow the Holy Spirit, whether it is Him telling you to give something up or do something for this person, how He just hits you with a lesson afterwards or that is what I have been feeling like lately.
           I didn't how this felt or why I am doing or doing it now but a few days later I feel like the Holy Spirit has brought something to my attention that tells me why I am doing what I am. I can even be confused about things for a few days and after a day or so praying about it something will come along and things will just click. Like with this anger that I have been having these past few months. I am not a very angry person at all and if you are reading this you are probably like what anger issues. Yet inside, I will admit I have been holding some anger in and towards people never deserved it in the first place but I found out that there was a reason behind all of that.
          That reason was because I didn't want to accept what God had for me even though it was bigger and better. I was really mad at God and not this person but yet we all know it is easier to be mad at someone or something we can see. Right? I wanted something so bad that I didn't care if there was something bigger and better out there for me. I got mad at God so instead of taking it to Him to start with, I took it out on someone else. I was being really childish in all of this. Just in case you couldn't tell but we have all been there. Admit it. I couldn't understand what was going on right away or what God had for me so I got mad towards a person I could see.
          Yet, I will say that the Holy Spirit has convicted me and that I feel really bad now and wish that the person knew all of this. I know that is strange but then again, it's life. The other person might not thought anything of it or even known but I did and do and for that I feel bad. Anger in one area of life can also cause it in many other areas as well.  Sometimes you just need that distance from people and things just to see the Light and the Holy Spirit working in your Life. The Light is providing me with clarity in things that I need to change and ways that I can change those things.
            Sorry I know this entry is a lot to take it but just think about me. This is what came to mind this past weekend for me so you can only imagine that I really did have to write it out sometime or I would go crazy. I almost did.

The Gravel Road of Life-A Poem

The Gravel Road of Life

On a Sunday afternoon, after church got over, I
went back to my old place. Haven't been there since things
have really changed.
The spot where I use to dream and make plans.
Where I use to hope things would turn out.
Where things would just stop for a moment and I could look
up at the night sky and pray.
The spot I came when life would be really hard but
now it's so far away.
That place where I thought would be mine.
Down that gravel road.

Daddy, just like my plans, it is changing.
I believe You have bigger and better plans for me.
I'll miss this little part of the road.
Seen my tears and heard my prayers.
Where I saw the stars in the Heavens and that brought
me comfort.
Laying on the hood of my car and looking
up at the huge night sky.
Hoping God would answer my prayers.

Now I have to struggle to get my Bible
read and live the "real" life. When did
that happen? I have to become an adult
and a reasonable one at that. I have to
see the steps in my life for what they
really are. Why can't I just live on a
gravel road forever? All my anxious
thoughts are here too. I had to go through
that part of my life and needed a quite place
to do it. That gravel road was it.

Not too far from where I want to be.
Right across the road is another gravel
road. Yet that road was always out of reach and
too far away for me to reach. Never able
to touch it because I wasn't ready to.
I was always so scared to go down that road
but yet my heart wanted to so badly.
It will be out of my reach until
I am ready to follow God and listen to
Him. Let Him direct my ways because
they are better then I could ever think of.



Written By: Tiffney Wilson

Written On: August 26th, 2018
                    while sitting in my car on a gravel road in Pea Ridge, AR.

Life Does Go On

           I know the title might seem like common sense but it's often something I forget, which is sad. I can get so caught up in my own life or at least the surroundings around me and not see other things. I wouldn't be surprised if i had another entry with this title. Yet it is amazing when God puts you in the middle of something ones else's life and they don't even know it. You get a very different outlook and seem to understand them more and more.
           Being on the outside, you might think they are making things up or just totally don't care about you. You might think they hate you. That's what it look like from the outside. It is easy being on the outside when all you do is live by yourself like I do. You have no one to worry about but yourself so it is easy to get caught up in that. Yet being in the middle, you see a lot of sides to the stories. When they say, "they are busy", it's probably true. I just get sleepy and lost trying to keep up too.  I don't know how some people do it. It does take a lot to care for a lot of people and when you want everything right like I do it is hard.
           But I would do it and give up a lot of things for certain people if that is what it took. I actually have already in some ways. If it's not 3 things at different times, then it is those 3 things at the same time. Seeing how much energy it takes and seeing what needs to be done every day shows me how much I need to pay attention or will need to if I have my own family in the future. Not only will I have my own family to take care of but I'll have my future husband's family to interact with and take care of and my own children too. This is a good thing you learn before getting married or at least I think so so it doesn't take you by surprise.
           The many different things could also trigger different emotions so you have mixed feelings. You don't know how much you care for someone until you care for their family or friends. Strange how that can happen sometimes and what it takes to see it. I mean it could be as small as a "hello" to as big as a car accident. It also can be as small as a new sponsor to as big as a new baby.  It's all parts of the family too and even when it happens to the person you known the longest. Not just the inmate or extended people related to them.
            It is funny because I use to have this mental idea of people should just stop and freeze when I don't see them for a whole year or a few months or when I am not there but that is not the case. I think as I am getting older I am realizing that. I mean as a kid you think you will always have your parents around and sometimes you get sick of having them around that much but once you realize that time does go on without you around and they do grow older, it makes you appreciate them more and want to spend more time with them.
           The saying, "Life Goes On" is one of those sayings that you just have to keep saying and know that it is very true. As much as we might hate it at times because we might miss an important part of someone's life like I could miss my nephews' and nieces' graduations, some important birthdays, and so on because I might have another family to take care of and who knows how those days will fall. I think for me right now and why I am noticing this lesson and being taught that is so I can take every moment as a moment to remember. Life doesn't just stop because we want it to or because someone is sick, it goes on.
           I will say this. I think that is why prayer is so important too. It keeps the people we care about most safe and healthy and so on when we can't be there. God is the only person that can be everywhere at the same time. I know we wish that we could be like that to at times but we can't. That is why we cover people in prayer though and just know that God has it under control.
          Life goes on and God does have them in His Hands. If He needs us to cross paths or anything like that, He will make it happen in His Timing, not ours. 
          I know too that this is a lesson that I will have to keep learning throughout my life and in every stage of it because life never freezes.

The Verses I Often Go To

Proverbs 30:5 New International Version (NIV)

5 "Every word of God is flawless;
    he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.

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Hebrews 4:12 New International Version (NIV)

12 For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

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Philippians 4:13 New International Version (NIV)

13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

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1 Corinthians 13:4-13 New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is Patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues,they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

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Proverbs 31:10-31 New International Version (NIV)

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

10 [a]A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

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Ecclesiastes 3 New International Version (NIV)

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Serving While Single in the Church

           My grandma did a lot of the same things that I am doing with my church with my church too, even when married to grandpa. Mom did too when we were little. Yet dad was in it here and there. Off and on.
          God, are you keeping me single a little longer so I know what serving You is really like while preparing me for life and marriage? It's sort of like the missions prat of my life but it is in a church in the state of AR. Do you have things I need to make off before I get married? It's funny because looking at me married friends I noticed something the same when/before they got married. They were very active in the church they were going to and there were pretty small churches too. Not saying I'll met my future husband at my church, although I could at a church, like they did.
          Is it different in this generation then my parents' or grandparents' generations? Is that why people are getting older before they get married? I mean I am doing all the ministries while single and yeah, it is strange at times. Yet I don't dwell on it or let it bother me as much as I have in the past. Funny how at a bigger church I dwelled on being single a lot more and it was bad. There were times that I would cry at church because I was sitting all alone or I felt like I needed someone special in my life because my main friends had that special someone. At a smaller church church, I notice it but not as bad and I can just jump into things and different ministries like I have. I see has a good thing in a smaller church.
          At the smaller church, when you sit by yourself, it isn't as bad because you all are so close together anyways. Yet at a big church you have this big area and long rows but yet the two sits beside you are empty because you don't know anyone and people don't want to get to know people. It also helps that you know who to talk to about the different areas of the church. At a small church, it is easy to find that person because one person can be in charge of a lot of the same things. At a larger church, you have to know exactly what you want and then ask for that exact person. I mean it could be missions but then you have to think where you want to do missions. Do you want to do it in state or in other country?
          Plus a friend sent me a little meme that said this: "The best thing a single person can have is purpose." It is also a radio talk show with Focus on the Family but there is also the script that they used for the show so I am printing that out to read it. I do agree with that saying though and it is a simple way of putting what most singles feel. I know at times when I see my married friends and other older married couples or even my parents or grandparents, I found myself hoping for a relationship like theirs and that I was even a little bit, I guess you could say, jealous of them, if there is such a thing. It was a deep desire in my heart because I use to believe that I don't have purpose if I don't have other people to take care for.
            I am learning that I do have a purpose and that I can do more things that I love and however I want to do them without having someone to take "care" of all the time. Yeah, it would still be fun and special for me to have people to care for, especially "my" people but for now I am okay with the kids I teach at my job and the people I am around at my church. My purpose in life right now is this: "To care for the children that I have in my care at my job and to serve the Lord as many ways as I can through my church because who knows I might not have time when I have my own children and husband to take care of. My focus will be on them and not all these other things like it is right now.
            I also think I am going to get a new book called, "Kingdom Single" by Tony Evans. I hope it is a good one! I'll write an entry on here when I get it and read it and let whoever reads this know what it is like.
         

There is a Balance in Prayer

             One of the main lessons that I'm learning right now is that you do need a balance in your prayer life. How can someone pray for 3 or more people plus their own life? I'm learning this right now because I am a part of my church's prayer ministry. I'm also learning how many people really do need prayer. My church is a really small church but I feel like half of them need prayer. I was thinking about this concept earlier this week. Why? You might ask. I was praying for someone so hard that I forgot to pray for myself. I felt the weight of my world come on me after that thought ran through my mind. Yet I don't want to be too selfish and pray just for myself.
              I have close friends that I could be praying for and checking on.  I have ministries that I could be praying for. It just seems like my mind goes on one person and can stay on that one person for a long time. Funny when we ask, we do get what we asked for. Before joining the prayer ministry, I felt like my prayers were boring and always the same. Same requests over and over. Now if I was honest with myself, same requests aren't bad because the less you know, the less you have to worry. With my caring heart, that is usually better. Yet there is a lot we need to be praying for, not just ourselves. Prayer in balance helps you really see the "real" world around you and sometimes even your "real" church.
             You all are not prefect in anyway. Sorry to break the news to you. Sometimes I wonder how prayer people keep all the requests in line and remember to pray for and even sometimes how to pray for them. I am trying to keep a journal but when you have a thousand of journals, adding one more is hard. The How. I know for me, being younger, praying for the older people can be hard if you don't know every detail because it's not something I have been through yet.
             Yet as I get older, I see from my older friends that this is what they were going through and this is how I should or could have been praying for them. That's probably another way that prayer can be in balance too. I know I pray for certain things for every request if I don't know every detail. I pray for peace, strength, wisdom, safety, and rest. I even pray for God's Will to be done and His prefect Timing. This whole balance in prayer thing is new to me but I am learning. I have a great ministry and reading some great books on prayer too.
               Writing about prayer and being in a prayer ministry and a new one at that, makes me wish that one of my aunts were still around. She was in the prayer ministry at her church too. I have always been thinking about being in one since she passed but the chance never came up til now. I tried to join at my other church but it was just too big and too many prayers for me to keep up with. I was getting 5 or 6 emails a day with a new person to pray for. Not that that is a bad thing but it was just hard for me because I can only take so much at one time. Plus that prayer ministry had you praying with people at the end of the services if they wanted you too and that I don't do either because of my personality. 

                I hope this last paragraph didn't sound too good or mean but I just needed something to fit my personality and I finally found it. It is a small church with a small prayer ministry and not only that. The person "in charge" actually asked me if I wanted to join and said that I should. When people do that to me, I just feel more wanted and needed. I don't like to be a bother just in case you couldn't figure that out yet. 

Loving Admist Hatred

"When you get tensed, go away and see how God loves you."

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3 steps To Do When You Are Mad at Someone:

-Stop.
-Withdraw from them to a quite place.
-Reflect on God's Love. 
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John 15:13 New International Version (NIV)

13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

            -Laying down one's life is just about dying like it was back then. It could mean laying things down daily for someone else. It could also mean laying down your desires and picking up someone else's desires. It could also go along with activities and hobbies. 

"God knows when you are sacrificing something worth wild."
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Mark 14:34 New International Version (NIV)

34 “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.”

"Opening up is something that needs to be done more often."
"That is called "Mutual Sharing."

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"Don't be surprised by what God sends you."

2 Timothy 3:12 New International Version (NIV)

12 In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted,

              -This verse is telling us that no matter what we will be persecuted for Christ. When we go into the loving relationship, we should not be surprised by what is happening in our lives, even the hard things. Even the things in the darkness.

"Don't be surprised by God but be encouraged, patience, and courageous." 
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4 Ways to Love:

-Loving out of delight.
-Self denying service
-Mutual Sharing 
-Life related praying
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The Year of Changes

            I just finished my 8th year in AR so that means I am heading into my 9th year in AR. I didn't think I would make it this long here in the great state but God had other plans for me and this past year I have seen a lot of that. This past year has been really different and I feel like the next year will be just as different. I believe it will only get better and busier.
           Last August to this August my life has changed a lot. I have changed jobs 2 times but worked 4 different places. One of those places I wanted to go back to so that was an answer to prayer and I enjoyed the few months I had there. I have met some amazing people and become closer to others. I've tried out new places and now going to 2 different churches because of that. I feel like my relationship with God has become closer then ever before. I feel like I am much happier with who I am and don't care what other people think about me. I know what I am worth.
            While all those good changes have happened, I probably had to do the hardest thing in my life this past March. Won't put what it was in this blog but it's the reason I have became wiser, braver, stronger, and so forth. It's the reason I don't care what people think of me. Still struggling a bit but each month is getting easier but never fixed. It started as a year that I thought was going to be easy but it has been anything but that. I have felt a lot of strange feelings because of it.  Yet I feel a lot more freer too. It feels like it is one of those years where God is rebuilding me and the people around me.
            January through June felt like I was just living to get through it. I was getting beat up on the outside while I was beating myself up on the inside. Thought I would love it but I was wrong. This past year was good, bad, good. It is strange how what you do will affect the rest of your life and that's also what I am learning right now as I am getting into the 2nd month of my new job that I Love. It is strange when you have people that believe in you and what you can do. You don't want to disappoint them at all. Where as, if they don't believe in you, then why try hard and show them what you can do. When they assume that you don't know anything yet you have a college degree in that field. I can't see how any other year can pass this year when it comes to changing me as a person. I saw what I needed and could do and went for it without a care in the world.
              March through now has been hard too. It has been hard because of situations going on in my personal life. But those situations have grown me up a lot lately. They have taught me who I am and what I need to be more focused on. Yeah, I was beating myself up on the inside but why when I knew that I had a God who loved me for me. I just had to get closer to Him. With my new job that I started last month, I have a lot to focused on that and with that I can kind of forget about the other situations. I won't lie and say they totally leave my mind because they never do. They are always in the back of it but I don't dwell on them like I use to anymore.
              Even though, it started off rough and had another rough spot in it, God added things in to make it worth wild. He put two good spots to keep me going til He was ready for me to move. God can use people and Bible Studies in ways you couldn't think of. I know in some of the situations I stayed only because of the people I met just then and I wanted to get to know them better. I knew how to joke and talk to them that just that made my day. I knew after the situation in March God had a new quest for me and that was a new job. Yet I was learning what it meant to really be on a quest for him. Yet, I didn't know that before I started the Bible study and while I was going through it. I thought God had that Bible study for me for a whole other reason but now I look back on it and see that it was for a new job.
             God was just keeping me in the job that I was in and giving me strength through that Bible study by doing it in my car while I was on my lunch breaks. Yet, He was preparing another job for my down the road. In a way, I feel like He is still doing that in some personal situations in my life. He is preparing me in different ways while He is working on things. I even started to be involved in the secret sister program in my church which I know helped a lot. It got me thinking about other people then just myself. I also started to help with the Sunday School at church like I always use to do. I even helped with VBS and now I am in the prayer ministry also. God has just been drawing me closer to Him because He knows that I need Him right now. He knows that this year hasn't been the easiest for me and that I am waiting for something to happen but til that something happens, He wants me to enjoy and see Him.
            This year hasn't only been the year of changes but it has also been the year of rebuilding for me. I say that because, and I wrote an entry about this too, it had been a year in July when I totally went off my anxiety meds. that the drs. gave me. Yet I have been through all of these things, being off those meds. has shown me that I don't need meds. to get through life, I just need a God who cares for me and loves me deeply.

This Isn't How I Thought My Life Would Turn Out

          I got this poem idea base from a college friend of mine. She wrote one about her own life and I thought I would change it up a bit to fit my life. I asked if I could and she said, "Sure" so here is my version of it. It is a little bit longer then hers.

This Isn't How I Thought My Life Would Turn Out

This isn’t how I thought my life

would turn out

at the age of 6, watching Disney Princess 

movies and wishing I was a princess waiting 

for my prince to come rescue me. 

Yes, I was one of those little girls. 

Mainly, wishing my life would turn

out like Belle's.

Living in a large castle and having it

all to myself. 

At age 6, you don’t think of anyone but

yourself.

This isn't how I thought my life
would turn out
in the 3rd grade. Moving to a new place.
Having a boy ask me out for the first time.
Went home so excited but my parents
said I couldn't date til I was 16.

This isn’t how I thought my life
would turn out
in the 9th grade, when my backpack was
full of knowledge and folded up friend notes.
I was going to be a teacher when I grew up
after having a couple of kids with the man of my dreams.
That was when I was going to start dating.  

This isn’t how I thought my life
would turn out
as the senior year of my high school
career starts and I have college applications
in my back pocket and an bachelor of Science
in Elementary Ed.
degree in my hopes and dreams and
thoughts of meeting a college boy
in between classes or in the cafeteria.
Wanting to get away from that small,
country town onto something bigger
and better.

This isn’t how I thought my life

would turn out
after one college major changes,
leadership spots,
and a rock solid group of friends.
teachers who truly cared,
and no dates to write about in my diary,
even after 5 years in college.
College was nothing what I expected it
to be but how can it be when I went
to a small, Christian one.

This isn't how I thought my life
would turn out
after moving out of state. Not
just to any state but the state of
AR. The Wal-Mart capital of the
world. Yes, I would see the city
and state on things in Wal-Mart
but I swore I would never live
in that state, much less that city.

This isn't how I thought my life
would turn out
turning 25 and not yet married to the
man of my dreams like I wanted to be.
Then hoping that he would be the one for me to 
live the rest of my life with.

This isn't how I thought my life
would turn out
after years of fighting with worry
and anxiety. All that keeping me
from the things I should have
done in the past and just now
realizing it.

This isn't how I thought my life
would turn out
after 4 different job changes in
almost 9 years. Gone to 4 different
countries. Still single and
not even been on one single
date yet or none that I considered
a true date. Supporting people
that I love and care about
deeply.

This isn’t how I thought my life
would turn out
after turning 30 and realizing
my childhood dreams are still the dreams
I hold onto while my friends whisper
"it will happen someday, Tiffney, just
keep praying" as if that's suppose to help. 
I told myself before 30 that I would defiantly 
be married and have children by then. 

This isn't how I thought my life
would turn out
Realizing that I need to really let go
of some things but if I do then what.
Those are the things I have been holding
onto for all of my life so far. Realizing
that I want so much more
now in life but how I am totally at a
lost with all of it. 

This isn’t how I thought my life
would turn out.



Written By: Tiffney Wilson

Written On: August 5th, 2018