Beautiful on the Outside but Messed Up on the Inside

        To start this post of I did something dumb that a girl should never do because she can guess the answer she will get back but it came around as a good lesson about my life right now. I asked one of my guy friends if I needed to change anything about me for him to like me. Questions like: Do I need to be more outgoing?, Do I need to be prettier?, and a few others. I won't tell you the whole situation that was going on because now that I look back at it it was dumb to start with.
         He did write back which was kind of a surprise but then again not really.  He wrote back: "Nothing is wrong with you, Tiffney." I thought at first, "Okay He doesn't care. He just wants to sweep this under the rug." Then I saw him and he was more compassionate. Anyways, after about a week of thinking about it and 2 church service later once again he said something that fits my life right now or really that doesn't fit my life but is a challenge for me now.
         I've noticed that this weekend and last weekend I have tried to dress up on the outside so pretty just because I felt like I needed to and wanted to. I don't get to dress up for work. Yesterday I went a got my nails done which I never do but I did it because it was relaxing. Again, having to do with work. I needed to relax somehow and treat myself at the same time. I was beautiful on the outside but in the inside I'm such a mess right and everything is wrong with me.
          I know or at least hope my guy friend was trying to cheer me up but let's face it. Everything is wrong with me and we know it. From work to personal life, nothing feels right anymore and I have no idea where to go in life. I work too much to have friends and when I'm around them I'm mad or sleepy because of work. I have grad school on my mind. I have friends on my mind. I have the children at work on my mind. I have me on my mind. I have Guatemala on my mind. I'm not okay. I'm going crazy. I complain everyday at work. I tried to stand up for the children.
          Yet none of my friends can see that because I'm so good at being strong and stubborn. I grew up that way because I had to being the Superintdent's daughter and all plus going to a small country school. I'm so good at holding my own but now I just want to break and no one is around me for me to break with. I never thought I would be that kind of person who is broken and confused inside but not out. Everything is wrong with me but I wish nothing was. I need to get back to life but it's hard right now.
          I need to get back to being beautiful on the inside and outside so people will want to be around me more. It is just so lonely being alone. It might be because they turely don't know what is going on with me because I'm scared to tell them because of what they might do. Down to my very health everything is wrong with me. I want to be that perfectionist but I can't as life goes on. I can't do everything by myself like I feel like I'm doing right now.  Just to let you all know I'm not better then you all, I just don't know what to say or do around you because I feel like I don't match up most of the time. Here I am the younger one of the group and out of place. Everything I do is wrong or dumb to me because I'm scared.
           I need to get where there is "nothing wrong with me". Beautiful on the inside and outside. But how is the question that I am asking myself now. All these thoughts like I said in my head. I can't just pick one. I need help. Who did God make me to be?