The Quiet Control Freak

         You might be thinking what person would come up with a title like the one above. Let me tell you what kind of person would. It would be a person like me. I'm not proud of it at all but I'm just now learning that I am that type of person and I'm asking God to get rid of that in me. You would think of a control freak of a loud, talkative person but we all have our own personalities. I think my control freak side comes from my need for everything to be prefect and if it wasn't I was stubborn enough to change it. I want it my way and only my way but being a Christian that is not possible at all and I'm learning and seeing things the hard way.
          I blame my high school for this habit for the most part. There is some family resemblance in this but to be safe let's blame my high school life because I have to live with my family. They know I'm kidding, right and they would agree but I'm thankful I was raised that way because I'm able to do things on my own when I want to and how I want to but I tend to go to that side way too much for everything.  It's part of being a hard worker too which that is how I have been raised and thankful for that too. There is a balance for control just like there is a balance for everything else in life.
          Anyways, back to high school. I blame my high school life because that is what life was like back then. I had to find a way to stick up for myself and to mean something to myself and the world around me. I had to look like I had everything under control even when I didn't. There were years where my life was just falling apart and I had the best of friends beside me willing to help because they understood what I was going through but yet I shoved them into a corner thinking "I got this" and "I can handle this on my own" but the truth is I couldn't and I barely made it through. Then there were times where those same friends would turn their back on me and tease me non stop so I had to show them I had control of my emotions and I would not cry or get mad until I got home after school. I didn't think about how much it would affect my adult life but it has a lot since I've been living by myself.
          The way I try to control things is trying to put my idea out there when it is not wanted or trying to be around when I'm not wanted. Trying to hold onto something or someone when it is time to let them go and live their life. I've just recently learned this through a old college friend and it has been hard but I know it will be good for me in the long run. I just hope and pray that I haven't lost that friend for good because of my own stupidity. I was trying to control that friend and make that friend everything to me. My focus was on the friend and off of God and that was my fault, not my friend's.  I was involved in so much when I should have just let it go even the things I didn't know anything about. I think I was trying to control this friend because my life is so confusing and in a mess right now. Nothing is staying the same. I have no routine anywhere in my life. Not at my job or in my personal life and I need that bad but it just seems hard to get. This example is one of the recent examples that I have had since being in AR.
          The other example happened about a year or more ago, maybe 2 years now. When I lost my 1st job here in AR, I was at a total lost. I didn't know what to do because losing a job never happened to me before. I didn't have control over anything that was happening for a month. I was going to interviews and then getting calls back about not getting the jobs. I wanted something that I could have control over and that was another friend. This friend was there for me through everything but yet I took everything for granted thinking "I need to have control of this friendship". Why I don't know? Again, that situation turned out bad. I had to step away from that friend for a half a year to a year and just recollect my thoughts. I also had to get use to my new job and where I was suppose to be in that job before I could do anything else. Now we are back to where we left off. Back to talking just a little bit and if we see each other we see each other if not then that is fine.
           There you have it. I am the quite, control freak. I admit it but with that said it isn't a good thing at all especially being a Christian. I should trust God enough to give Him everything in my life and let Him have the control, not me. Having and wanting control of your own life is a sin especially when it messes up other people's lives. It is not loving well when we are controlling people. We should love them the way they are and what they are doing. That is loving well. The title sounds scary and it sounds mean but I'm not that kind of person. Yes, I might be stubborn and want everything prefect and want control but I'm not mean. One thing is for sure though, I need to get rid of this control freak before I ever get and if I do get married because no guy wants a control freak for a wife. Maybe that is one of the million of reasons I'm not married yet. Guys, don't let that scare you away. I am trying to work on it because God has now made me aware of it and He is willing to work on it with me.
           One thing I ask for the people that are around me: if you see me starting to take control of a situation or friendship or whatever it might be, please tell me to stop it because I've messed so many things up when I kept on doing it.