Love is Patient

         I am going to put a disclaimer on this entry right now. I am writing because I feel like God has been teaching and reminding me what love truly is because of things going on in my life. It might be different then yours and that is okay. It just came at a strange time and moment. Take it how you want it but please just know I'm sharing from what I'm going through now and it isn't to match up with anything going on in the world right now though it might seem like it could. This is something God has put on my heart before this past week.
        I have 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 on my bathroom mirror for this next coming month. I always try to put different verses that the Lord is teaching me through so I can memorize them and they can get me through the day. For me, I love the Love Chapter. It has been my favorite chapter since the day that I could read the Bible by myself but that doesn't stop me from learning from it. It has just been recently in these few past years that God has really opened up my eyes to see what those verses really mean in life. Usually, it is one or two words or verses that gets me thinking but it was a whole two verses this time and seeing that around in my life now.
        1 Corinthians 13:4-5 says, "Love is patient (short version of verse 4) and it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it does not keep any records of wrongs." These verses really helps me at my job and just with friendships in general too. It is saying that God was patient and waiting for us when we wouldn't come to Him at first so why should we be demanding of the people around us to come now. If we really loved them like we say we do, then we should wait until they are ready or until God has them ready for us. It takes time for people to open up to other people especially when they might think something more can come from it. For people like me, no matter who you are I'm just a deep person and I like to get into the deep things but it takes me awhile to see if I can trust you. People just need to give people chances to open up and show them who they really can be. When I show you that I can, you better not break that trust.
        Then with the children I work with, there is no other way but to be patience with them. They can't help what they have been through or what they have seen. How they are acting is the only way they know how to act. They haven't been taught the true meaning of love. They might kick and bite and hit you but you just have to love them all the same sometimes even those harder children a little bit more. They have to see that no matter what they do, you will always love them and never give up on them. You might be mean at first because you are trying to get them to stop the behaviors that they have learned but then before they leave hopefully they realize that you did it out of love and that no matter what they are like we still love them.
         I have all of the chapter in my cubie at work just so when I get stressed I can remember why I am there and what I'm suppose to show those children there and that is God's Love for them. I'll admit lately with everything I have been easily angered, self seeking, and dishonoring to others. If you ask people I'm sure they will tell you "yes". Then I got to thinking this week God doesn't have to treat us like He does. He doesn't have to wait for us to come to Him or He can write down all of the sins that we do and say forget her or him but He doesn't. He throws our sins as far as the east is from the west.
         God could also chose us and make us come to Him because He can do anything but yet He doesn't. He knows we could do better with Him and for Him but yet He waits. If He would just chose us right away and not let us chose then that would be Him self seeking for Himself. He could get easily upset with us and strike us down any minute but that is not the kind of God He is.
         God is a Loving God and He lets us have free will to chose which way to go. He could make this world prefect right now but then why would we need Him. He wants us to want Him. He wants to be part of our lives. I've been seeing things across the internet for women that says, "a strong girl doesn't need a man in her life but she wants one" or something along those lines. I would have to say that it is true for God and a human being. We were all made for relationships because God is relational. That is part of His image that He made in us, especially us women.
           I know it is hard waiting for that one "prefect" guy to come in your life but when you think about it you already have the most prefect guy in your life. You have God and no earthly guy can beat that. They can try but they never will. Guys, if you see that has a challenge I would like to see you try. Women, you do want a guy that tries to reach that status but you also have to remember that he is human just like you and will not be prefect in every way. That is one of the many reasons that God needs to be the center of each and every marriage. Humans will just fail every time but God never will.

What are Little Boys Being Taught These Days?

         I had a talk with one of my little boys that gave me a look into how little boys are be raised and I just wanted to write it out so I can remember it. I was talking to one of my little boys because he didn't want to go to nap time. He was trying to push limits about not going to nap but I tried the trick that usually works with most children. I said, "Sleeping will make you big and strong." I was hurt by his response more then anything and it made me think a lot.
          His first response was "I don't want to be big, I want to stay little." Then I was like, "okay" and thought that a little one saying that wasn't anything new because I want to stay little too. Life is fun when you are a child. It was his next response that got me hard though. I told him, "Okay, then you can just be strong." His response was," I don't want to be strong" and I asked him why. He responded, "When I am strong at home, I get a whooping." I told him that being strong where I work was okay because that is a safe way to be but he still wouldn't fall for the nap that way. he did go take one, though, because he knew he had too.
           I just thought about what he said while I was rocking him to sleep at nap time. Are people really saying that to little boys these days? Are people keeping their little boys from going outside and playing in the mud and going on their little adventures back in the woods? No wonder there truly are less "man" out there nowadays. The little boys stay home in front of the TV or video games then go outside. That is why we are getting a lot more hyper and non imaginative little boys. Their parents don't make them go outside anymore.
           It is funny because here I am a girl and I remember going outside almost all the time when I was little and honestly that is probably what helped in keeping me alive. From a Christian point of view, we should spend time in the outdoors, in God's Creation, and it is a lot of fun when we spend it with someone else. Summer is not the time for me to spend outside so I haven't lately and I don't regret it but in the Fall, Winter, or Spring when the temp. is cool enough and there is snow coming down I do get upset when I don't get to go out. I always try to make a point in my day when the weather is cool.
          It is just sad how the people of this world take God's Creation for granted. When you go to another country, you see sand and not a lot of trees or even flowers around because it is mainly hot or you are in the bigger cities where most of the people are. In other countries, those people literally live of the land so they have to be outside working the land, farming it and what not. They don't really have time to enjoy it like we do but yet when they are farming they make themselves enjoy that time that they are farming it. i
         To me, the outdoors just make people stronger because when you see what God has done and made for us in Creation, then you start to wonder "what can God do for me?" Look at a sun set one night or the fireflies in a park raising up at dusk or the leaves changing colors in the Fall or the flowers in the Spring after a long Winter. Our God is a God of Creation and we take that for granted a lot of times. Creation is a gift to us and we should enjoy it like that plus you can do a lot more things in the outdoors then you can do inside a building.
          I'm sorry but to me keeping little boys inside and telling them that they can't be strong is just not right. God didn't make little boys to be that way. He made them to be strong, adventurous, hunters, protectors and so on. This entry might be a little basis and if it comes across that way I'm sorry. I'm not meaning it too but people need to realize what we are doing to boys these days. That comment my little boy made really got me thinking about my future children (boys) if and when I have any and how I want to raise them. Sadly, it might be different by that time but that is not going to stop me. No one can stop a person from enjoying God's Creation. Just sayin'.

         

Love in the Distance-An Explanation

           To set the storyline up for you all, I had a hard work day yesterday so I went to a park last night and acted like a child for once. There were fireflies all around as I was swinging on a swing and to my luck a lot of people I knew were at the park but they were far off in the distance. I came home and read something that talked about if you give your friends so distance when they ask for it that is better for them and that got me thinking about this entry and what has been going on in my life right now. There might be a poem with the same title in the next few days so watch for that.
           I am a very deep and compassionate person and when I become friends with someone or even barely get to know someone sometimes I tend to cling to them a little too much if we are a lot alike even if they don't know it. We all have that friend that we count on for everything and to be there with us through everything. I have had friends tell me a lot of times that I need to give them a little distance because I have been coming on too strongly towards them, which is okay, I totally am okay with that. It is better to know then to continue what I'm doing. I want a truthful friendship, not a lying/secret one.
            I have had an incident, okay maybe a few, in the past where I have been told to give them distance and I have but it is so hard to get started with but once you are use to it, it becomes easier and you can tell a lot more things about them especially if they will start talking to you without you having to start it. I never knew what giving them distance really felt like because usually it was just a crush I had in high school or in college so I didn't feel like I was missing something when I was giving them the distance. Lately though, it seems God is putting people in my path when I'm not even trying anymore because I was told not to and when He does I feel farther away then I really am.
            I can only be a few feet away from them but yet so far away from them in my heart and it is hard for me. It is hard for a person who cares so deeply and is so compassionate about the other people in her life. I want to say "hey" or go up to them and introduce myself to others around them but it's hard because I want to keep that distance until my friends are ready if they ever will be. Yet at the same time, it can be fun because you get to know the other person and people better that way, when you are just sitting and watching (aka observing) which I love to do. I'm a people watcher most of the time. I might regret putting this out there but it will make sense with the next thing I'm going to say, I came home crying and so much more confused then I ever was to start with. I saw that I was not okay and am not going to be until I get more information but I can't make anyone give it to me.
            I just felt last night too, that with that distance between this friend and me, God is doing something greater for both of us whether together (sorry to say that) or apart. It is a way to grow stronger in every way but especially in the Lord. I know I have been striving to be the best women I can be for God and others and because of that I am looking more towards God then ever before. There reason that I wanted to share this story was the lesson it taught be when I look at Jesus on the cross.
            We were on His mind when He was on that cross. When He was suffering for us, we were out there having fun and making fun of Him but yet He didn't care how we acted He still thought about us and wanted to forgive us. It was hard for me last night to go back home and just know that I missed another chance to talk to my friend because I was so scared and confused. Yet, at the same time, it was so hard for Jesus to stay on the cross. He looked for another way out while He was in the garden but this was His Father's Plan and He knew that. If I get really upset and sad about missing out on a chance to talk to a friend that I care about as that. 

Makes me wonder: Would I grieve and cry at the cross if I was there on that day when Jesus was hung?

               Do we have too many things of this world to take care of and set our mind too that we won't even think about that? He died for us. Yet the Bible says that all that were there laughed and spit on Him. Mocked Him non-stop. I can't explain the pain I felt last night and that was over a sinful human being. Everyone is sinful so they know that.  It was like my heart just broke into pieces and it took me forever to calm down and go to sleep. I had to eat something to calm down. Yet the PERFECT ONE died to save us from our sinfulness. Something we do not deserve at all.

Let me ask you another question that I am asking myself right now and have been for the past few weeks: Where are my standards and priorities? Are they with and for God or with and for the flesh?

              I challenge you to talk to God and ask Him those questions and then when He gives you an answer and if it is one you don't like then ask God to change you to the answer you do like.
All of this while I sit out at night on a swing swinging like a little child for about 10 mins. maybe a little longer. That was my restful, breathing time this week. :)

For A Purpose

           My Monday this week, which was today (actually a Tuesday) was not bad at all at work. It was calmer then I left it but we had a lot of things going on. One of the little boys didn't throw his big fits like I thought he would because I haven't been there for 3 days. Thought he had to get use to me again but he didn't. We picked up from where we left off and that was a good place. He wanted me to do things for and with him and he was so sweet when asking.
           There was a new staff there because the other staff had a meeting so he was trying to push limits with that staff so bad that I had to take him and yes, I did get bit but he was good after that. I know there are better ways to get the anger out by hey why not. Right? He did look at the bit after he did it and asked me "did it hurt?" and I said "yes" so he kissed it to make it feel better. That was really sweet. Probably the sweetest moment that I have had in awhile there. He also asked me to rock him at nap time again and honestly, I couldn't lay him down in bed when he was asleep.
            After the biting and kissing on hand incident, I just wanted to keep holding him and hugging on him because you know that is what he needs. I was holding on to him tight for a few mins after he fell asleep and just thought about things and it is strange what God can speak to you while just holding a little boy and through everything that went on before that. I got to thinking how I am close to 30, what only 3 more years, and how I'm not married and have no children of my own. Then God turned those thoughts around for the better in a way.
            I got to thinking about the other 2 boys I had before this boy and how they need a good home and a Godly man in their life too. They act out the way they do because that is all they see. Then I got to thinking about adoption again when and if I get married and having my own little children's home but more and more I want it to be a little boys' children's home. Now most of you probably think I'm crazy but let's be honest, boys are a lot more active and fun to be around then us girls that are emontional and very talkative. Yet boys like to do more things outside like fish, get dirty, plant things, and so on. For those of you who are wondering, yes I was somewhat tomboy at heart when I was little, when I didn't care about what other people thought about me.
             I would take those cussing, hitting, biting, and kicking boys anytime. They just need more trust and love then anyone else. They need to know that they can trust you and then they are the sweetest things on earth. Here is the Jesus and us turn around learning part of this story. You knew there was going to be one, didn't you? Always is.
             It is like when God takes us in as His Children. Yes, we have a choice and yes, we can chose to follow or not. We all have to admit that we are not prefect when God takes us in even those people that grew up in a Christian family and went to church every Sunday. God knows our past, present, and future. He knows what we are going to do but He loves us anyways. He starts out gentle with us and then if we are testing the waters too much, He will get tough but that is because He loves and cares for us a lot. He wants us to come to Him so we can be safe.
              "You are here to be safe. We are keeping you safe." are things that we are told to tell the children the first few days they are with us or if they start to talk about their problems or relatives. We use would like, "safe choices", "good choices", "stay down because we want you to be safe", and so on. God want that same thing for us. He wants us to be safe in this big old, sinful world. We were made to be different so God is keeping us that way. We still test Him at times when new things come into our lives or at least I do. I question, "God, is this what you really want for me? Can I do this?" Sometimes He answers, "yes" and sometimes He answers , "No, but I am with you."
                  We might fight God non-stop to the point where He does have to do something dramatic in our lives to get our attention just like when I have to hold a child so he won't kick or hurt anyone else. God gets our attention before we hurt anyone else and though we might not think about it then, looking back on the situation we might see it later. I know I had times where I have had disagreements, fights, and what nots with friends but it was because I was getting too close or too much in their personal space and they didn't like it and/or it was time for me to be that close yet.
                  God can even use the good things to get us to back away or break apart. We might be going to a good Bible study away from someone that we thought was going to be a close friend or move away from a friend and we lose touch but yet we have the chance to start all over again. It just depends on how you will let God get your attention and sadly for me it is when God takes the things away from me. It is then that I regret, "I should have said this sooner or done this sooner but now I don't have the chance." "If I would have done it sooner, maybe it wouldn't be so hard now."
                   Just like with this little boy, God is showing me about giving him time to be with me. Be patience with him because I was and still am being patience with you. You are more stubborn then this little boy will ever be (Amen to that!). Let go of the things I have told you to let go of and just trust me. Let me love on you like there is no tomorrow and if you let me do that then you will be safe in my arms with the best gifts ever. Let me give you the grace and mercy you deserve even though you don't think you really deserve it. You can give the same things to that little boy if you will let me work through you. 
                   God-"I'm your Protector (keep you safe) and your Provider (will give you everything you need) just like you are to those children. Let me do my job and you do yours." Amen. Thank you, God.

The One True Father

             Today is Father's Day and I'm thinking about all the fathers or father figures that I have had in my life and where they are today. The sermon at church was about how fathers need to be the leader of the household and how we have one True Father that gives us Mercy and provides for us everyday. I will admit I started to cry because of so many reasons. There was one certain reason that I cried and I didn't think about it until today, until it was too late.
           I'm doing a lot for my father this Father's Day because I don't want another one to past by thinking I could have done more then I did. I created every gift that I'm giving my dad this father's day. I made him a big chocolate chip cookie and put icing on it myself. I also made a collage of country pictures on a piece of wood and put words like: love, wise, father, honor, and strong on it. I think I am so much more involved because of what happened this past Nov.
          I consider myself really blessed because I have 5 father like figures in my life. I have had 2 dads, 2 grandpas, and a mentor/teacher that acted like a father towards his students. Out of those 5 fathers, I have 1 of them still with me today and that father is my birth father. What really got me today, in church, was the thoughts of my 2nd dad passing away this past Nov. and the time that I spent and didn't spend with him. While my parents worked, they sent me off to some babysitters that lived on a farm so that explains my country side and they became second parents to me. I consider them my parents for the first 4 years of my life.
           I really didn't think about it when my 2nd dad was alive about doing anything for him on Father's Day. Maybe I did when I was littler but when I got bigger I wouldn't do anything for him. You know how people get think the know everything and don't need help but the more I am living the more I am learning yes, I do need that help and because of him is the reason I am where I am today. Yes, I would think about him but never send a card or anything like that to let him know I was. I regret know and because of that today was a little hard for me. That why, I think, relationships are getting more and more important as the years go on for me and some of them I do not what to let go even though they are young friendships that started only a few years ago.
          The sermon also reminded us that no matter how badly our earthly fathers will mess up and that they will because none of us are perfect, that we have a Father in Heaven that never messes up and will love us non stop and forever. We need an earthly father who follows the Heavenly Father. We need that kind of wisdom and strength and love and forgiveness and so on. When the person talking said that it comforted me a bit because there are times that I feel all alone in AR but then I got to thinking about the children I take care of. I'm blessed to have those 5 father figures in my life 6 when you count God. The children I take care of think they have 1 father and that is the father they are taken away from or maybe they don't even have that 1 father. I thought about a little boy that I have now and two other boys that I had when I first started to work there are how they just had so much anger in them. They never looked happy, always fought, and would always cuss when mad and use those cussing words in the right way.
          I just have to think what did those little boys see in the man in their life and it breaks my heart. I'm not a judge that is for sure but I know by the way they act and what they know sometimes that the guys in their lives weren't very fatherly like. I mean when a little boy knows how to cuss the right way and cries because he doesn't get what he wants, and yells "you are hurting me", "let go of me", and other things it just makes you really wonder what happened. When a little boy can go to happy to anger to happy again in just 10 seconds something is wrong there too.
         Then with me wanting to have my own children and thinking about those children you don't have a father in their lives or a Godly one at all makes me think a lot about my future husband if I'm meant to be married. It makes me think, "what do I want not just in a Godly husband but in a Godly father too?" I want my husband to want and love on children no matter what they have done. I also want my future husband to be the provider and protector of the family. There are so many things I want my Godly future husband to be but I will say this a right God man knows how to have time both for his wife and his children. If I had to chose, though, I would want a Godly man that would spend more time with "our" children then me because that is just needed more this day in time.
          All this to say, "Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there! Hope you had a Blessed day!"

A Crazy Group of 12 Boys

         Wow! I don't remember having this crazy group of boys since I was working preschool by myself, probably a year ago now and we just had 2 children that were hard to handle. I think it was an older group of preschoolers too. Now we have a younger group of preschool boys and 2 babies and 3 toddlers. I'm going to say this has nice as I can but only 3 out of the 8 preschools are "normal". The other preschoolers are not quite where they should be mentally or really rough because of what they have been though.
         I have prayed more for children in this group more then any other group because it is just that hard. We have a toddler that cries non stop just because and then we have 2 more toddlers that have seperation anxiety so you can't got out of eyesight with them. If you do, they will start to cry and it takes them awhile to stop. Then we have two babies. One that is bottle fed and the other one just started on table food when he came to us.
         Then the preschool is a whole other story. There are 2 preschoolers that that need a little OT and ST. We have a lot of whiney preschoolers no matter what we do. We have a 2 year old that really needs to be with the other babies but we are full in that room so he is with us. We have one preschool that we think might have some major sensory issues and just can make sounds instead of talking with words. Then we have another preschool that has anger issues. When I say anger issues, I mean cussing with the cuss words the right way, biting, hitting, screaming, and kicking. That preschooler is on a day by day schedule because he could get too aggressive to be with the other children.
          When I walked in and saw the aggressive chid this morning, he just stared me down like there was no tomorrow. He didn't say hi or anything. You could just tell by his eyes that he was going to be a "fun" one and he is. ;) He has the cutest smile but just so angry at life. He did tell me at lunch, though, that I looked like his mommy so I'm wondering if I don't remind him of someone.
           Then we have 3 more preschoolers that are "normal" preschoolers. Right where they should be for their age or a little smarter.  All of those children can talk to me almost like an adult compared to the other children we have right now.  They can get very stubborn through and whine when things don't go their way but want preschooler doesn't. Our smartest boy talks a lot about his mommy and what she told him to do and not to do. He also explains what she looks likes. One child is also smart enough to ask staff if they will pray with him before breakfast during one of the mornings.
            We just have a lot of ranges of development issues for one group so it is hard and tiring at times. Even though, I want to move on in life, God always reminds me why I am where I am right now. Like today, He brought that aggressive boy in and now I can't wait and hope God can change him through me with His Love, Safety, Wisdom, Strength, and Patience. There are times where you can only hope and trust that God will take care of them and turn them around for the better. For a lot of them in this crazy group of boys that is all I'm praying right now. It is the blessings that count from my job, though and I just have to keep reminding myself of that when times get hard.
             I want to see those children in Heaven one day and I want them to say to me, "Thank you for giving to the Lord. I am a life that was changed. Thank you for giving to the Lord. I was so glad you gave. One by one they came as far as the eye could see. Each life somehow touched by your generosity. Little things that you done. Sacrifices made. Unnoticed on the earth, in Heaven now proclaimed. You stood before the Lord. He said, "Child, look around you. Great is your reward."
             
Yes, this song is an oldie but a goodie:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFrdJ2V3r7Y

Hope in Christ- A Poem

Verses that are rewritten or closely rewritten in this poem:

     Romans 5:5

     Romans 8:24-25

     Romans 15:13

     Hebrew 11:1

     Proverbs 24:14


Hope is not shameful,
God's Love has been poured into
our hearts because the Holy Spirit
has been give to us. Jesus died so
we could have Hope. We were
powerless before then.

Hope saved us but we cannot
see it. Who hopes for what
they already have? When hope
and wait patiently for what
we do not have to see what
God can do for us with His
strength, not on our own
strength.

God, that gives us hope,
will fill us with all joy
and peace when we trust
in Him. We will overflow
with Hope because of the power
of the Holy Spirit that God
has put within us.

Faith is the confidence in
what we hope for and in
what we do not see. We can't
see what is ahead so we have
to trust God to lead us. We
have to have the confidence
in Him and not anything or
anyone else.

Wisdom is like sweet honey
for us. If we find that wisdom,
we will Hope for the future.
That Hope will not be cut off
from us.


Written By: Tiffney Wilson
                 
              June 2015

   

My God Story

        Life has been interesting for me since this past Friday. It seems like God really wants to get me out of where I work now and into another place whether a church job or just staying at home and doing something part time. I can't say anything about what happened Friday because it might get used against me and I know better then that so I'll go straight on to Saturday. Just know Friday was a really hard and depressing day at work.  
         It was a normal Saturday for me. I was rethinking my job because they told me to do that and spending a lot of time with God because Friday was so hard. I was trying to understand where God wanted me and if I should stay. Why is God letting this happen? It is time for me to move on. I was just writing down verses that came to mind and praying and listening to God until it was time to go to church. I decided I would go to the 5:00 service because the sermon was on marriage and there was no friends or couples there that would make me feel awkward that I got to know from the singles group. All that to say I would have rather gone to the 6:45 service where all the couples were. Why? You might ask.
           A friend of mine finally came to church with their parents for the first time since I have been going. Now I knew my friend had gone before but my friend usually has his own church to go to on Sunday mornings because my friend is busy Saturday nights so doesn't have time. Well, my friend so happened to have time on the night the sermon was about marriage. I've seen my friend's parents and sister and her family there a lot but we never talked so I was okay with just parents and sister there. I would say hey if that chance came along since I went to college with the sister but that was it. Funny thing was the sister and her family wasn't there last night. It was just parents and my friend.
           Here I was sitting by myself seeing everyone my friend knows at the church and mostly my friend's family because I know aunt and uncle goes there too so I figure more go there as well. During the sermon, all I could do was write because I was looking down. All I could think about was my friend. Every little thing the preacher said, I would say, "yes, I did that" or "yes, that happened". I was emotionally drained after the service that I had to go buy some coffee and ice cream bars. I wouldn't be a big deal but when you don't know what to do around a certain person and their family it kind of is. I wanted to say hey so bad but didn't know if I should. I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable in church so I just walked out. If the sermon on marriage wasn't enough it was also a Saturday where as a church we took communion so that made it more awkward. I was just in tears on the way home to be honest with you. I wanted this day to come for almost 4 years and it finally did and I frozen because of a talk we had earlier in the month.
              It was me trying to control things sooner then I should have again. I have a bad habit of that. I really do. Then today came and I had my Bible study that I need to take before I become a member of the church. I was thinking about my testimony because that is what the lesson was about and again I thought my life is turning upside down all in one weekend. God is just throwing things at me left and right. God is saving and with me but still throwing things at me. How everyone that shared in that room that was a couple had a old believer and a new believer in the marriage and again thoughts started coming back. Then I just thought about my bad things and want is driving me to do want I'm doing now and where I am at now. It's not God, that's for sure.
               It is the shyness, the worry/anxious, the loneliness, the fear, the I have to be prefect for everyone, and the control personality that I grew up with and around. I couldn't be real with anyone. The things I had to be doing when I was in jr. high and high school but when I was a little girl out in the country, I was so free. I think, no I know, that is why I love the country and feel so free when I'm out in it. Being real is what God is teaching me now through Bible Studies and people around me. He is challenging me and telling me it is okay to be free and speak your mind because some people like the little children need you to do that for them. It is kind of like God is saving me from myself by being with me every step of the way because right now that is how I feel. I can look back and pin point other areas where He was with me and stayed when everyone else left.
               The bondage of all those things I mentioned above has over took me and I just feel like a mean person now. I know I wasn't and I'm really not but when you get tried and upset at things that just what comes out of my heart because it has for years without me knowing it. God is making me see that He loves me and wants a relationship with my even with those yucky things and He wants to turn them into good. While I'm learning to have a relationship with Him, I'm learning how to have closer friendships and relationships with others. I just hope it isn't too late for some. I have things that people can learn from too and they might even be going through the same things but I have to be willing to share to make a different in their lives and to have a community for support. All the time God is Good and God is Good all the time!
              He is stirring something up good something deep down inside of me and I can't wait to see what comes out of it. It is the Close Relationship God wants, not the works, from us! It is us walking towards Him and not away from Him. It is about being One and having that Oneness with Him in everything we chose to say and do. Is He the One for you?

Plans to Prosper

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

          Funny how some things work out. How God is teaching you the same thing as someone else and the verse that you have heard forever just hits you in the way it needs to in that moment of life. I was reading a college friend's email and watching the show when this verse was on the email and it just hit me in all directions like it never has before. I just thought that I would write about what this verse means to me know in this moment in my life. I always tend to think of this verse as the graduation verse and most of us do because it is on every graduation present but there is so much more meaning behind it. 

           I've been hurting a lot both emotionally and physically because working with children especially the type I work with can do that to a person. The first part of the verse is self explained. it means God has and knows the plans for you and you can trust in that. The second part is what really hit me through. The part where it says: "plans to prosper you and not to harm you".

           Like I said, before, I have been hurting emotionally because of the children I work with and just a lot of personal things going on in my life right now like not being there for the people I care for because they don't really understand and other things. I've had older and wiser women tell me that for now and until God thinks I'm ready for whatever it may be, He is just protecting me from what could be something harmful for me. God wants me to prosper, He doesn't want me it end up on the road and be harmed. He loves me too much to let that happen to me. 

          I use to hate when people would tell me, "Oh! God is only trying to protect you and He knows what is best for you." I would think, "I want it know, though." If I don't do that about friends, I really do it about my future and my plans I have for it. When you look at the word "prosper" in a friendship/relationship kind of way then it is the sweetest thing ever. You can see how much God really does love you! God wants to give you that kind of prosper friendship but you need to look at Him first because He is your Source. 

            Think of the word "prosperity". It means: a successful, flourishing, or thriving condition". Plans to make you successful and thrive where you are right now! Make you want more and work for it! Don't you want that in a friendship or in your future! Don't you want to trust in that! It is like that is what your work and living space has to be like. Somewhere where you can flourish and thrive in. Your heart has to be that way towards God. Let Him work in it! Thrive for Him! Flourish everything you do with Him in mind! 

           Then the 3rd part of the verse is "to give you a hope and a future". He wants us to have success for Him. He will give us a future if we just prosper through everything even the hard times. How can you become successful and flourish if you don't know what the hard times are like? Am I right? Right now, I might not be in the successful part of my life or future but I am in the flourishing and thriving part of it. I am really thriving now but I think I have a little bit more time in the flourishing part before I move on. I am learning and growing so I can become more successful in the future. God has given me this chance so I can know how much more I want the next step and get ready for it but yet use my talents while I'm doing that. 

           God is expanding my world so I can be more successful in the long run. He is showing me things to do and not to do through everything. He will not harm me in anyway as long as I follow Him and keep my eyes upwards on Him. 

Breathe

        "Breathe"? What do you think of when you just hear that word? "Sabbath"? Another word to think about and figure out what it really means. Wait! One more word: "Rest". These words seem to not be in my mind at all especially lately with everything going on and changing around me. God meant for the "Sabbath Day" to be a day of rest. He had a day of rest after He finished with Creation so He wanted us to have one at the end/start of our work week and get ready for what's ahead.
        The study is in Springdale and I got invited to go by one of my friends earlier in May. There are 4 of us that car pool to the house where the study is and my friend knows the lady that is in charge of it. The study has a video to watch and then it has a book of questions to go over after the video and then a whole week worth of lessons for 5 weeks. It is suppose to help us look at how to rest and find time with God mainly on the Sabbath.
          There is one thing that caught my attention last night at the study and that was that "work is a gift to us from God so if we are working too hard and don't have boundaries or margin in our lives around work then we use it wrong". We are so focused on work or anything else for that matter more then God. I just use work because right now that is one of my main problems. I know I don't rest in anyway because of work. The lady in the video also said, "that boundaries and margins are gifts from God too". Life is just full of things are we just have know know how to balance them out especially as women because we have more, busier things to do then men. We are the nurturers of the household.
            We are the strong yet emotional ones and men just don't understand that. It is something that, us, women sometimes don't understand ourselves. If work is a gift from God, then it should also be fun while doing it and you should be happy. If you feel hurried and busy all the time then it isn't a gift and you are putting too much into it. If it is a job that you just can't handle because of your personality, then maybe God made you for something else that is different. "Our jobs should be a picture of what Heaven is like here on earth and if it doesn't then we are doing something wrong."
            God wants us to enjoy Heaven but at the same time He wants us to enjoy what we have here on earth. He wants us to see a peek of what Heaven is like. It is not stressful, loud, confusing, upset, and so on like a job might be. Heaven is peaceful, quite, put together, happy, and a lot of other things that give you a good feeling. I know people on earth are not perfect and you will have hard times at your job that you just have to look past but when it gets to where it is dragging you down everyday and you can't get any rest from it or even breathe because you are working too much and hard. That tells me that you just need to ask God, "Am I suppose to be here or do You have another plan for me?
             "God is our One Source and the places He takes us through are only our resources to get us where He wants us." This quote, to me, means that God is the only One that can get us the energy and timing that we need to do anything. What we do here on earth, whether our job or how we raise children or how we look, are just little resources to get us to what God has planned for us and most importantly, Heaven. He takes us to places and situations so we can learn, get wisdom, and only get stronger from then on. I know that I have gained a lot of wisdom about myself, Him, and other people throughout the past few years after college. I have learned a lot of new things too.
              I've learned a lot about what OT is for children and adults. That it is needly badly and will continue to grow as the years go on because it is needed. I've learn a lot about the disorders that I like like sensory processing disorder to Autism. I learned what children in abused homes looked and acted like and what I could do to change that. I learned a lot of different ways to handle a lot of different children and that there is a big need in AR for foster care and homes. My eyes have been opened to how many children need help just in the state of AR and around the United States, not just in foreign counties.
              I feel like soon like in the next year or 2 or 3 years that it will be time for me to slow down, if not now and just look back at all I learned because really it has been a lot in job and personal wise with friends and life. I need to understand where God wants me to go from here. I never really had a "break" from work. I have always gone into job after job. Yet I feel like no one understands that even if I care to explain it to them I still don't think they would understand it. I've been through some hard years here in AR and I haven't stopped to think about them since I've been down here. Even my thoughts about where I am in AR has changed but I don't know to what.
              Everything and everyone wants "nothing" to do with me right now or forever. I just at that spot in life where I need some guidance but I don't have time for it because of my job plus I'm not a person that goes and shares my story with just anyone that I see face to face. I've never been that girl and never will be. It has to be people that I know really good and that I can trust or at least feel like I can trust with my story. I know it is strange here I am sharing it on a blog with who knows looking at it but yet I can't share it with people I do know face to face. In a way, it's easier because then if they reject you or think you are strange, you won't see their faces or hear their words.
               Anyways, just a "little" something that has been going through my mind while I'm in a big house alone watching a dog.

God Gives You Fun

        "Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from Him."-Psalm 127:3 (NIV)

        "Don't you see that children are God's best gift? The fruit of the womb his generous legacy?"-Psalm 127:3 (MSG)   

         I had the sweetest talk with one of my little girls today that I will never forget and I'm writing it down because it encouraged me to the max. It also made me see that maybe I do give these children hope in their lives and the appearance of God even if it is just for 45 days. It all started when another staff was looking for 4 leaf clovers with most of the children while they were playing outside. She helped this little girl find one and the little girl just had to come over and show it to me after she was done looking for it. I was over by the swings pushing another child so she stayed there and wanted me to push her on the swings so I did. She came over saying, "I'm a lucky girl!" and she was so happy about it. It was so cute!
           This is a little girl that has been where I work for longer then the children usually are. She has seen all of her friends leave and new ones come. She has been talking more about her adventure and what her family is like. She has not been talking a very long nap at all because she has been really anxious about things. She would rather tell stories then go to sleep. I will say that earlier last week I asked God to give me a chance to talk to this little girl about Him and the comfort he gives and He gave me that chance with a 4 leaf clover.
           Earlier in the month, maybe it was even last week, she was telling the other staff during nap time that she had a good heart but missed her family and wanted to to go back to them. She also said that she was sad and missed them. She was also talking about having bad dreams because she had a bad heart. The staff that she was talking to said, "Well, maybe you could pray to God and ask him to give you good dreams and a good heart. She replied back, "I already tried that and He isn't answering. That is when the staff went into details about how God answers prayer sometimes, have us wait, or maybe never. Then the little girl replied again, "well, it feels like never." That just broke my heart so I have been praying for her.
          Today, I felt God saying, "this is your chance to say something about me. To get me on her good side and maybe change the way she think about me" so I put God and the 4 leaf clover together. This is what I said: "Maybe God let you find that 4 leaf clover because He wants you to know that you are a lucky girl and that He has a fun place for you to go really soon. Maybe it is a way for Him to answer the prayers that you have been praying." 
           We went on about what fun meant. First, the little girl said, "I don't want a fun family. I just want my family that I left. All my heart is there with them" and of course I had to keep from crying at that moment. We went on to talk about what could be fun and what a fun family could be like. Then she said, "Well, God sends fun people like you. You are fun! You let us do crafts, pick out our own clothes, and play with us". There was a long list of things I let them (her) do but I couldn't make all of the list out. I told her that I do and maybe her new family/ adventure will be fun too when her time comes.
          I'm hoping to make it a thing with her this week but when I was done working and before I left the building I asked her, "What kind of people does God send to you?" and her answer was, "Fun and good people just like you." Maybe to get through to her that not all people are bad and that God does answer prayers when the time is right. Then there is a lesson for me in there too and that lesson is just that God answers prayer in His Timing not mine. I need to be reminded of that a lot especially here lately when I feel like things are out of control and having no idea what I'm going to be doing in the future.
           I love how God uses the little children to teach, us, adults the most common things. I really think that is God's purpose for children in this life. They are opened, honest, and sometimes stubborn and they will say what is on their minds a lot of times. If I am a child of God then in a way I should be like that too. Today I did just that and had a special God-given moment with one of my children. For some reason, it was scary, at first, but it was way worth it when I got her to start talking to me about things. Let's keep in mind that this is a 4 year old girl saying and thinking about all of these things.

Discovering Who I Am in Christ

           Today was one of those days that were just full of surprises and gave me more things to do this week when I had nothing to do. God always has a way to fill up your week if you would just let Him or even if you don't, He still will. It was one surprise after the other for me. Surprises where it made me understand things more clearly and gave me a sight into things. He is MY COMFORTER AND GUIDE.
          I started out the morning by just getting up like usually but I was bored after I got ready for the day so I decided to get on my college email account and see if there was anything important for me. There wasn't per say just for me but I did find out a lot more about the college and what I can do there. I found out that I could get a part time job there is I wanted to and make some money while going to classes but it is all through a work study way. It is mainly office jobs. Then I found out that I could get some scholarships to help pay my way through college and I wasn't really interested in any of them but then I looked into them just to make sure. I found one that went through an online babysitting website that I use to use during my undergrad so now I'm thinking about signing up for that one if I happen to go next fall. Still trying to get all the details worked out and I need some more explanations on everything.
           Then it was time to go to my Bible study but it was more like a getting to know how the church runs type of class. It is called: Discovery Mosaic. A person has to take or it is strongly encouraged to take this class if you want to be more involved the church. It gets you started in a small community and then helps you find your spot within the church. It doesn't matter when you take it. I have been going to this church for 3 years now and I'm just now taking it. For me, it is a sign that I am ready to settle down here at this church and be involved in anyway that I can. It is sort of one of the many commits that I'm trying to make for God. That might sound a little strange but in my mind it makes perfect sense. I need a physical thing to tell me that I am committed to something and with all these things and changes going on around me I need that right now.
           I feel like the group that I'm going to be with this summer is going to be a fun one. I already met a girl that I have a lot in common with and just moved here 10 months ago. She is looking for a church and her spot in the community and church so it would be fun to help her along.
            It has been a hard past 3 years. I've learned a lot about God and myself and who I am in Him but I just can't seem to commit to anything yet. I'm very bossy and pushy and I can't seem to change my thought life for the better. I'm just praying this will be a good start for the better. I feel like God has called me here to AR but for another reason then I am doing now. I guess my problem to start with was I moved here because my friends were here and now we don't talk very much so I need something to keep my life in tacked with and someone to talk to about my problems. I hurried up picking out a job so I could move down here and losing that job was no fun and now losing my friends is no fun either.
            I just haven't felt settled for the 3 years and I want to now. I want to have friends I can count on. That won't keep moving away or getting married. All those are great but I want some few friends that no matter what changes goes on in their life, they care about me enough to be there for me without me having to reach out a lot. I want a deeper life here in AR. I am really ready to settle in this great natural state.
            Then after my Bible study, I was driving home and drove by some new apartments I have never seen before so I stopped by and asked some questions like how much they were and if they had any apartments available in Aug. or around that time. I found a 2-bedroom apartment for $404. That is way less then I'm paying now for where I live and it is just on the other side of the road. It is still close to everything like that parks, family, job, and college when I start going but only cheaper. It is also about the same size as the one I'm living in now if not bigger because it has 2 bedrooms. I could move into that apartment sometime in August for sure where the others I'm on the list for as no idea when I would be able to move in.
            It was just a God Blessed day for me! God spoke to me in a lot of ways and confirmed that I was on the right path but I just might have to wait a little longer until He gets that OT program set up at the community college.

A Boy and His Paper Football

         This entry is not going to be very long but I mainly wanted to write it down for me so I could remember it in the years to come because it was so special to me. I "got" called old but it was still fun. It all started when I took one of my little boys to the doctor for an appointment. We were waiting in the back room for the doctor to come in and while we were waiting the little boy was sitting on the step of the bed. He was anxious about seeing the doctor and I could tell because he couldn't sit still and his fingernails kept making noises on the sandpaper like step that he was sitting on.
         The noise that he was making was hurting my ears so I grabbed a receipt out of my purse so  he had something else to keep his hands busy with because he could crumble or fold it. Whatever he wanted to do with it and it work for a little while and he was trying to do things with it. I don't think he understood all the way, he would just sit a look at it and then fold it back up. He thought it was strange that I gave him a receipt. By the way, this idea came from many years of being an aunt.
           When I noticed, he had no idea what to do with it, I asked him if he wanted me to make a football out of it. You know those triangular footballs that you held between your fingers and flicked in elementary school. Yes, something that simple kept my little boy entrained all through the appointment. I had to show him how to play with it first but he got the hang of it really fast. When he flicked it, he would laugh every time it flew across the room.
           It was funny because as my little boy was playing with it, the doctor came in to check him and the little boy had to show it to him. The doctor said, "Hmm...I didn't know they made those anymore" and I'm sitting there thinking, "Thanks, are you calling me old?" It is amazing how something from my past that I was never really into is something that I can remember how to do and then do it to make a little boy laugh and keep busy for some time.
            Yet, it was such a simple thing to me but yet to the little boy it was a big thing and he loved it! I love working with children because they like the simplest things and that reminds, us adults that not everything has to be big or hard to have fun in life. It was also a moment that I thought, "Hmm...this could be an OT thing too." It goes along with my liking for OT.  To me, the definition of OT is:

"Something so simple and not missed but yet it could make you life hard by not knowing about the thing."
           
           I'm a simple kind of girl so that is why I enjoy the "simple" jobs and the simple moments. It can make you see how amazing our God is when just not having our fine motor skills can keep us from doing so much in life and so on. We can't write, can't fold paper, can't pick up glitter, and so on. Once a child learns it, though, it opens up a whole new world for them to explore. That is the magic of science but more detailed: Biology. We take so many things for granted and it is so strange.
            I might make a list of little, simple things like those (everyday things) and write it on here sometime this month. That is my challenge to myself.

God the Comforter

         I like house sitting/dog sitting because it seems like I'm willing to take the time and do more things like staying up without a nap until bedtime and getting a lot more done. This is the 3rd time in a row that I have wrote in my blog and it has been awhile since I've done that, a long while. This entry is going to be about a chat I had with a older and wiser friend over coffee today and it was really neat to listen and learn things about me. It was also really neat to see her confirm things about me that I already knew but had a hard time with. She made me see that I was really doubting myself and we all have our ways of seeing and thinking about things differently.
         I met this women at a bible study and we made a time to go get coffee together. It was the 2nd time but at least we got to do it. She asked me to get together with her because I was crying during one of the Bible study. During that Bible study, things just came over me and I was too stressed to even think about what they were talking about during it. That was maybe 3 or 4 weeks ago. We started talking about that night when we met for coffee today and things made much more sense to me. It is strange how God can change our lookout on things in only 3 weeks. The Bible study was about making your own mission statement about your life and what your mission was from God.
         She started the conversation by ask the question, "What do you like to do?" and of course, I answered, "be with children and help them." She made it seem so easy after I told her that. She said, "Well, what about this?"

"To know I am a special child of God, and to make other children feel like a special child of God." 

          I was sitting there thinking, "Perfect! That explains what I'm doing now and what I want to do in the future. That makes total sense for and to me." So now, I have my mission statement for life and I don't think it will ever change in life. You know the funny thing is that, that mission can be used when and if I have a family of my own too, which I want.
         The other question that she asked me was, "If you could have one word about what God means to you on a shirt, then what would that word be?" My answer was "Comforter" because I got worried and anxious a lot. Then she asked me how that made me feel and I answered, "Peaceful, relaxed, and quiet." She, then, said, "Give me a picture that I could put in my mind to see and feel those things with you." I told her, "I would be in the mountains by myself with the cool wind blowing and the beautiful sun shining." I also told her that I thought it was a pretty place. She then asked me,  "Do you have a memory like that?" Of course I said, "Yes, all of my Montana memories when I was a little child." Then we got starting talking about Montana and all the memories I had there.
          It is funny but at the same time neat because just from all that that I told her she could tell me some of the colors that I liked and what I liked to do to calm me down. She said, "My favorite colors are white like the clouds, blue like the sky, and green like the grass." While she is right on two of them, I changed white like the clouds to yellow like the sun. I also really like to wear anything that has blue and green on it. She could also tell that I loved nature, which I do, because those colors were the colors of nature.
          It was just interesting and very insightful the way she went getting to know me. All those questions you never thought a person would ask yet they did and they could tell so much from just those few questions. They might be even to tell what really matters the most to you without saying it like, "What is your favorite colors or what has God done for you?" To me, it was very creative and artistic of her. Yet when you tell a person that you can only learn through pictures instead of words this way makes a lot more sense. That's why I might need to try it and plus it makes the conversations more deeper and inspiring but not in a awkward way.
          It made me see that I am a quiet, peaceful, deep thinking, nature loving person that loves children. That's there is nothing wrong with that at all. God made me that way and I'm glad He did! If people can't take me like I am (if I am too much for them), then it is their lost, not mine.

Who is Saul and what are His Core Beliefs?

        I'm going to talk a lot about Saul and Job this month and being single and where my life is leading because that is what I'm thinking a lot about right now. I'm a lot like Saul and Job right now. I will start with Saul. It is amazing how God can pick a wealthy person like Saul for an important job but yet Saul can't see how important it is for God and people. He just thinks it is another job on thing in life.
       Why do you think Saul thinks it is no bigger deal that he is going to be king? Could it be because his Core beliefs are in the wrong place? What is Core beliefs you might ask? These are the questions that you can ask about your core beliefs: Who do I believe God is?, and Who do I see other people as?. Beliefs are the lends of the heart but yet often our mind and heart are disconnected. How much could I agree with that more? I know my mind controls me a lot of times when it should be my heart controlling me. An example of core beliefs is: Adam, Eve, and the snake. The snake was after both of their identities, not their behavior. The tree of life, in the garden, could be though of like our hearts. God allowed us to eat and get from that anytime that we want but the tree that He doesn't allow us to eat from is the tree of Knowledge, which is like our minds and self.
        Satan will always use our experiences to stop us. That is what he was doing with Saul when he was becoming king of Israel. Saul was and gave all the excuses that could be thought of in 1 Samuel 9. He said he was: wealthy, handsome, tall, humble,  the least of these, and unworthy. Saul couldn't see all those things in himself. Instead, he was looking at his bad self. God has chosen Saul for more then could be done but God knew Saul could do it if He would just trust Him but Saul didn't want to. He didn't want to change his thought of mind. The funny thing is that God sent someone (Samuel) to speak truth to Saul. To tell him, who he really was and could be but Saul wouldn't listen.
          God wasn't calling Saul to do something he wasn't made to do. God knew Saul could be king especially if he would just follow God but Saul was scared and didn't want to. Saul was a control freak and loved to blame the people around him. He wanted to prove himself and not listen to God once he got the king spot so things went down from there because he thought he could do everything by himself. He thought he was handsome and wealthy enough to deal with everything that came his way. Yet Saul was still hiding after God transformed him. Saul would not let God do what He could do through him. He kept everything inside because he had other beliefs the beliefs of the people around him that he listened to and not God's ways.
           A leader will always transform what they are feeling to other people who follow them. People started to not believe in what Saul could do because he wasn't being the leader that God knew he could be. He would not listen to the people and because of that the people would start to make fun of him. He brought the people down with him and made them doubt with him. If you want to be a successful leader then you need to be a happy and smart leader. Saul needed to listen to God and a lot of things would have gone better. People would start to cheer him on and he might even have won some lives for God if his core beliefs was in line with God's core beliefs for him.
         Samuel told Saul that God sent him on a mission. How did that mission end up? It ended by losing people for God instead of winning people for Him because of the core beliefs (the way and thoughts) Saul had about God and himself.  The core beliefs are not just for and about yourself. It should be on God and how to please and live for Him. The core beliefs are those beliefs that comes from your soul and from the person who you really are.
         It is like you are asking God: Search and know me, O God. Test me and know my heart. Calm my anxieties. Live in me, O God so people can see You though you. Get to the core of my heart and soul. 

Weekend with a Life Story

         As always, I've had another busy past week and weekend but it was a good busy one. I got to go home this past weekend and it was a much needed time of rest and just to reconnect with people that I haven't connected with in a long time. I went to a small town from the country to getting sick. So in this 3 days weekend it I gave myself, I've done a lot. I called it a weekend with a life story because if I think about it I went through the 3 phases of life in some of my favorite places and not so favorite places from childhood. I went to the start of life to living the dream to the end of life and it was neat to see different people in those different times of life. Got me thinking where am I right now? The answer to that, I think, is the living the dream part and finding out what that is for me.
         I will start explaining my weekend by talking about a friend's wedding that I went to and that was the start of a new beginning in life. I went to a old childhood friend's wedding on Saturday and it was a nice, simple wedding. I would not expect anything more then what was there. It was a small church wedding with the dinner afterwards in an old metal building. It was at the wedding that I thought back to 4th grade and college and the days in between there. The bride was my friend and we have been friends since I have been in 4th or 5th grade. My older sister started babysitting them and they would come over to my house all the time it seemed like.
        It was also a sad time for me because I'm older then my friend is and just seeing her get married before me was hard but I was and still am happy for her. I've also been through some hard times lately with different people and those memories came to mind during the wedding too. You know how a girl gets when she isn't married but goes to all these weddings and wishes for her own wedding someday. It is even harder when there is a guy you like but you can't do anything about it.
        Right after the wedding, I went to watch my ninces pursue their dream of becoming famous singers and they leave today for GA to get a record made of them singing. They are 15, 13, and 10 years old and they are already giving up everything for their dreams. They will be in GA for a month and a half this summer making a record. They are an inspriation to me (their own aunt) because I haven't found that perfect dream job for me yet. When they can do that as young as they are, that is amazing. I will say that every time I hear them or watch them sing, I want to stop what I am doing and go for my own dream. That is the same way ever time I watch my friend's show. I just know there is something bigger for me out there then I am living now.
        Then Sunday, I went to an old friend's house for a visit and we spent about 3 hours just talking together. Before I left, we went to the ceramenty and looked at a grave that I haven't seen since the person had passed away. It was a beautiful grave. New looking stone of course and just every thing that that person has done in life and the speical dates in his life on that stone. It was just amazing to see! I did buy a little wooden cross after Memorial Day to put by the grave and I did that when we went to look at it.
        It has been a weekend about life and how I should be living it and I see where I am right now. I'm in the living the dream part. What is that dream for me? What am I good at that I love to do? What is God's purpose for me on this earth? It has been hard this weekend because everything I have been involved in has shown me that I could be doing more then I am now. Yes, I'm doing something important right now but I feel like there is something bigger just waiting for me out there. Something that does use all my talents or at least more then I am using right now and showing that I am being appicated because I'm using my talents and knowledge.
        I know part of my life dream is to marry and have a family and if I don't get that far at least have a decent house that I can live in by myself with a dog maybe out in the country. I just don't feel like I can do that now with where I am because things are too stressful for me. I need to focus and can focus on only one thing right now and that thing is 12 children and that wears me out. I hope this doesn't sound to jealous and all about me but we do have desires and dreams and these are some of mine. I know God knows them and understand them well and they will happen someday when God knows I am willing and ready to make those dreams come true.