My God Story

        Life has been interesting for me since this past Friday. It seems like God really wants to get me out of where I work now and into another place whether a church job or just staying at home and doing something part time. I can't say anything about what happened Friday because it might get used against me and I know better then that so I'll go straight on to Saturday. Just know Friday was a really hard and depressing day at work.  
         It was a normal Saturday for me. I was rethinking my job because they told me to do that and spending a lot of time with God because Friday was so hard. I was trying to understand where God wanted me and if I should stay. Why is God letting this happen? It is time for me to move on. I was just writing down verses that came to mind and praying and listening to God until it was time to go to church. I decided I would go to the 5:00 service because the sermon was on marriage and there was no friends or couples there that would make me feel awkward that I got to know from the singles group. All that to say I would have rather gone to the 6:45 service where all the couples were. Why? You might ask.
           A friend of mine finally came to church with their parents for the first time since I have been going. Now I knew my friend had gone before but my friend usually has his own church to go to on Sunday mornings because my friend is busy Saturday nights so doesn't have time. Well, my friend so happened to have time on the night the sermon was about marriage. I've seen my friend's parents and sister and her family there a lot but we never talked so I was okay with just parents and sister there. I would say hey if that chance came along since I went to college with the sister but that was it. Funny thing was the sister and her family wasn't there last night. It was just parents and my friend.
           Here I was sitting by myself seeing everyone my friend knows at the church and mostly my friend's family because I know aunt and uncle goes there too so I figure more go there as well. During the sermon, all I could do was write because I was looking down. All I could think about was my friend. Every little thing the preacher said, I would say, "yes, I did that" or "yes, that happened". I was emotionally drained after the service that I had to go buy some coffee and ice cream bars. I wouldn't be a big deal but when you don't know what to do around a certain person and their family it kind of is. I wanted to say hey so bad but didn't know if I should. I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable in church so I just walked out. If the sermon on marriage wasn't enough it was also a Saturday where as a church we took communion so that made it more awkward. I was just in tears on the way home to be honest with you. I wanted this day to come for almost 4 years and it finally did and I frozen because of a talk we had earlier in the month.
              It was me trying to control things sooner then I should have again. I have a bad habit of that. I really do. Then today came and I had my Bible study that I need to take before I become a member of the church. I was thinking about my testimony because that is what the lesson was about and again I thought my life is turning upside down all in one weekend. God is just throwing things at me left and right. God is saving and with me but still throwing things at me. How everyone that shared in that room that was a couple had a old believer and a new believer in the marriage and again thoughts started coming back. Then I just thought about my bad things and want is driving me to do want I'm doing now and where I am at now. It's not God, that's for sure.
               It is the shyness, the worry/anxious, the loneliness, the fear, the I have to be prefect for everyone, and the control personality that I grew up with and around. I couldn't be real with anyone. The things I had to be doing when I was in jr. high and high school but when I was a little girl out in the country, I was so free. I think, no I know, that is why I love the country and feel so free when I'm out in it. Being real is what God is teaching me now through Bible Studies and people around me. He is challenging me and telling me it is okay to be free and speak your mind because some people like the little children need you to do that for them. It is kind of like God is saving me from myself by being with me every step of the way because right now that is how I feel. I can look back and pin point other areas where He was with me and stayed when everyone else left.
               The bondage of all those things I mentioned above has over took me and I just feel like a mean person now. I know I wasn't and I'm really not but when you get tried and upset at things that just what comes out of my heart because it has for years without me knowing it. God is making me see that He loves me and wants a relationship with my even with those yucky things and He wants to turn them into good. While I'm learning to have a relationship with Him, I'm learning how to have closer friendships and relationships with others. I just hope it isn't too late for some. I have things that people can learn from too and they might even be going through the same things but I have to be willing to share to make a different in their lives and to have a community for support. All the time God is Good and God is Good all the time!
              He is stirring something up good something deep down inside of me and I can't wait to see what comes out of it. It is the Close Relationship God wants, not the works, from us! It is us walking towards Him and not away from Him. It is about being One and having that Oneness with Him in everything we chose to say and do. Is He the One for you?