Fuck My Life Right Now

           I don't give a dam who read this and what is said to me about it but this is how I feel and I want everyone to fucking know it too. I'm funking sick of of hiding everything underneath me and try to be strong when I am not. I am funking sick of being the good and caring people when no one else sees what I am trying to do and do it back. I'm funking sick of my life and my anxiety. Nothing is working and I have tried different things for about 4 years and still not one makes me feel better. I'm sick of barely getting by on the money I have and having no fun because I don't make enough money. I'm sick of the apartment I have because the others around me are loud. I'm sick of not having a bathroom that works right. I'm sick of not having friends that I can trust and that I always have to try and get together with to find out what is going on in their lives. They don't know me anything and I find out at a wedding certain things happened to them. I don't care who fucking reads this. I'm fucking sick of being the strong one. Fucking sick of trying to do everything right in my life without the help around me.
             I'm sick of helping people when I don't get anything back for it. I'm sick of looking at pictures of weddings and babies. You know what that makes a person feels like when that is all they ever dreamed of and they are turning 30 and no where near there right now. I'm sick of people trying to tell me to pray about it or just listen to God and trust Him. I'm at where I am at know because of Him. I'm sick of waiting on Him to do something for me. I'm sick of gaining weight for no reason at all. I'm sick of people trying to tell me what to do and how to live my life. I just want some fucking answers that are true answers right now but I'm not getting any of them. I'm sick of working half time and not making enough money. I'm stick of trying to figure everything out on my own. I just want someone else to God Dam care for me in this point in my life. I want to be somewhere different right now.
           How much is this to ask? How much is it to ask to be there for a single friend if if you are married or have a boyfriend in your life? How much is it ask for some encouraging words if you are given some? Where is my support back when I have given support? I'm just dam sick of everything right now and I don't know what to do. Don't say it is my anxiety. Don't say I need God more in my life. I need tangible answers I can go to. I need tangible things I can do. I'm sick of my life. I have been strong for so long and I am sick of it. I know reading and writing this isn't a good idea and I might lose people because of it but if you are my true friends you will understand. I have no point in my life anymore I feel like. I've liutally tried everything and nothing is working for me. I can't even commitment to something to see if it will work. I can't even commitment to eating right m,much less anything else.
            I am becoming this fat women because of all of this stress and meds. I'm not that skinny girl anymore and what guy would want a fat women. None of my clothes fit and yet I have no money to go buy new ones. I'm not okay. If pain didn't hurt me so much___________________. I just want to give up nothing good is coming from anything I am doing right now and I have been trying to do good all my life. Everyone says I am sweet and kind but yet I have no one to help me when I need it. I have no one to talk to when things get bad. I have research on the ages where I can have kids and I only have 5 more years at the most to even try and I'm no where near to even having a guy in my life.
            I am done being sweet and quite and nice. That gets me no where. I'm not regretting writing them because I know there are other girls out there feeling this way but they are just too scared to say anything. This is what us girls around my age have to face today in this world and it is not fair or easy. I wish I had something glass that I didn't care so much about that I could just throw down and break that is how mad and upset I am at the world right now. While everyone else is on their high horse, what about the people that are trying their best to make it by themselves through life and just about ready to give up on everything. I can honestly say I hate living in Bentonville AR near Wal mart because of all the high business people around here. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.
          It is even getting to the point that I'm getting so confused on what day it is and what I should be doing on which day. It is hard trying to be healthy, work, support, shop, and other daily things by yourself. What is truly on my heart is not being answer and I don't see how it can be anytime soon. I've hit rock bottom and I need to be saved from that bottom.