Step Up=No Life

          This past week has been hard and busy for me. I'm finding out a lot of things about myself that I didn't know or didn't want to noticed before now. If you ask what area of my life is being affected, I would say all areas. Future, friends, and career are all going to change I can just feel it but it bothers me that I don't know how or when. I feel like my life is out of control and that I can do nothing about it. I try to hold on but that makes things harder and more stressed.
           I've noticed this week and this past month that I have been stepping up a lot at work lately because the children need me there or at least someone there for them and right now I am the only one there. I got a comment from someone that I have stepped up a lot lately and I'm thinking "Thanks but I hate it." I feel like I have no life right now and that is the worst feeling ever. I know most of you would say that the children are my life and family is too and that is great but there are things I'm missing a lot of right now.
         Yes, I have stepped up at my job but that wears me out so fast that I don't have time to do other things. I take on too much too. It feels like I'm either working, eating, or sleeping. Most stay at home moms might say that it is no different then being a mom like that but that is what I want to aim for and how can I find a guy or hang with friends when I don't have the time now. I know this is not my lifetime job so I need to work towards something that will be or that I will feel will be. I've always wanted my own family. I've never been the workalic type of person but lately that is what I've been feeling like and I hate it.
           I also have been in charge a lot lately and for you that know me that is not my main personality at all. I can be when I need to be like now. I can step up when I need to but I can't stay there forever or a long time. It just stresses me out too much. I get asked all these questions and I can't make the decisons right on the spot like I have been needing to do lately. I'm the caring and nuturing personality and that is why my job is stressing me out right now because I can't just care and play with the children I feel like I have to make every decison and tell other people what to do.
           When I think about it this seems something silly to be mad over but really working in it with a million other people compared to just a few other people maybe like hundred seems a lot easier. Maybe that is what God is trying to get me ready for? Maybe God is trying to get me ready for a family situation and that I will be more appicative of that since I've worked where I have?
             I just feel like my life is a mess now from my thoughts to my apartment because all I've been doing is working and sleeping. I have other things to write on here but I don't have time because of all of this busyness. I have verses from the Bible to process because I know God is trying to tell me something along with the things going on in my life right now but I can't sit and think about those. I feel like God is telling me to do one thing with these verses that He is giving me but I can't sit and really think if it is what He really wants or not. It is like that moment where the idea doesn't come to you until you start looking at The Word of God and everything seems to be lining up but yet you are too busy to realize and/or too scared to admit it. Honestly, for me I think it is a little bit of both. I keep myself busy because I don't want to realize it because then things will change once again.
             I feel like I'm alone in this but I know I'm not. One of my little boys reminded me of something very important yesterday before he left and I really had to stop and think about it because of what was and is going on in my life. He said, "YOU KNOW WHAT WE HAVE 3 DADDIES."  I asked, "How do we have 3 daddies?" He answered. "BECAUSE GOD IS OUR FATHER." That Truth is so true when it comes to feelings like these. God knows what is best for us like our daddies do and He will take care of us and lead us where we need to go only if we will TRUST HIM. I had to stop and take it in and told myself in my mind, "Ok, Daddy if you want me to be happy help me to held what I'm going through right now and then provide me with things that I want to happen if it is Your Will for me." Don't get me wrong I still love my job but it is just a little stressful right now.