What is Humility?

         As I was thinking about this entry, there was a lot of things and titles that I could name it but then I thought about what I heard this past Saturday night at church and it just really got to me in so many ways so I'll write this entry using that. I will say though that the first title and theme I was going to write was "Doing Everything Backwards", which I am but I think it has to do more with my humility then anything else. People might say that I am a kind, caring, compassionate, and so on kind of person but I honestly don't think the would "humbleness" would be in there. I need a lot more learning on what that word means.
        This past Saturday night at church, I learn what it meant through David and his Humility to God. My pastor said something and it stuck with me and I think it will until at least this hard, rough patch goes past me. He said, "Humility: Reordering one's life around God's standards." I really think that is what God is trying to show me through this hard time. I was getting to proud and wanting to get a higher spot at my job. I wanted to get the attention because I thought I was doing more then anyone else but now we see where that led me. I wanted to move up a spot but yet there was no spot where I wanted to move up to at that place. I wanted to be with the children but yet wanted to do more with them.
         I will admit when I graduated from college, I went straight into the working field full time. There was no part time jobs for me and I didn't want to go to grad. college. I wanted to go right into the field that my degree was in but it didn't turn out so great for me. I didn't have time to think. I had that summer after college to think but to me that was it. Then after my first job in AR, I felt like I had to get another job right away because I would be a failure if I didn't plus losing a big job was a first for me so I didn't know what I was going to do besides another job.
        Then I guess this last job is when humility really struck me with the children and just with life. As people, we try so hard to reach the top when other people don't have a chance at all. When the little children don't have the chance but it isn't their fault that they don't. It was just so neat to see them change just on the 45 days that we had them. I hated it when they would change for the good when they were with us for a little while and then right before they went somewhere, they would shut down again. It always broke my heart to see that. Just to see the humility the little children had or at least some of them without knowing what it was was the sweetest thing to see.
        They wouldn't have anything but yet they would share some of the things that they had there. They would speak of God even when things weren't going well for them. They would say "I wish" and then name off things that they want like a space room or so on. To see them say "sorry" by themselves even if they only meant it for a few mins and then went back to do the same thing. It is great and humbling when we didn't have to remind them.
        God is taking me on that kind of journey right now in my own personal life and I learned it from the children and the time I spent working there. I didn't have enough humility to spend time with my family or friends. I was always focus on what I could do better there and trying to reach for the next big thing when really the children only matter there. I've spent a lot of time with my brother and his family and to be honest I have missed it a lot. Then my grandma is really sick and I can't remember when the last time I went to see her was probably around Christmas time. God is just giving me time to just spend so good old time with the people that I love and pay attention to them even if it is the biggest thing that is happening to them.
         God might want me to get a retail job or even a part time job and go back to school to be an OT but that is fine because I am learning humility right along with that path. I started out big when really I think I should have started out small like everyone else around me. I was worried about getting to my dream in a hurry instead of living my 20s with family and friends. I didn't know how to handle those big companies or people. My life and personality is not ready for all those big companions. I still have a lot to learn about working and myself in general. I have to humble myself and learn those things about me and I have to be honest and admit it to myself too.
         I see some people (friends) with their dream job already but that is because they started out small and humble and followed God. I wanted to do things my way and start out big and look where it got me at the age of 27 years. Then there is another side to it that maybe God wanted me on the retail side now because it is also easier to be a stay at home mom even if that was ever to come true. I could go to college and then maybe work my own hours as a OTA. I wouldn't feel so bad about quitting where I am at or at least I say that now.
         I don't know what God has in store for me right now because things that have been going on I was for sure not planning. I have to reorder my life around God's plan because my starting big and staying there did not work really well. So now it is reordered to starting small and humble and maybe ending up big or at least happy. Things, right now, have been jumping up at me from all sides and that is great but as I look on I have no idea where I am going to end up. Only God knows where and when. Humility is a thing I need to work on big time and I think God is teaching me that now between jobs and maybe even during the job I find.

Glad to be an Aunt

          Now this is more for my memory then anything else but it is also really cute so I don't mind sharing it on here. It won't be a real long entry. I spent the evening with my nieces and nephews and they did some of the smartest and cutest things that they could think of while I was watching them.
         Both of my nephews and their friend actually dug a "stream" under the swings and fill it with water from the water hose. They build to streams on each side leaving a big piece of "land" in the middle of them. Then both of those streams eventually got together and dumped into a "little pond" that they made at the end of the streams. They even found a big, long earth worm to play with in the streams and yes, they did play with it and watch it move all over the place. I just stood there in "awe" for a little bit watching them build it because it was great seeing some little boys actually out in nature using that brains to build things by themselves. I was thinking that is how I want my future children to play. None of this TV, iPhone, and video game stuff.
         Then later on after we ate supper, I was holding the newest member of the family, another little niece for me, for awhile and there was a sweet moment there too. The 2nd and 3rd oldest children of the family (aka youngest nephew and other niece) was on each side of me watching and playing with their new little sister. I will say that in that moment, even though those children weren't really the children that lived with me (I just get to spoil them), it felt like I had my own little family around me. It was then I was thinking, "Is this what a real family feels like?" It was just neat to see those two nice and calm when usually they are very outgoing.
         Those two moments just made me think about wanting a family of my own and I'm not disappointed to admit that at all. Yes, I know it will be awhile til I have one because I'm not married yet but that desire is the 1st desire of my heart. Why do you think I have a college degree in homemaking and child development? Not that you need one to have a family but I loved doing that stuff. Even now when I'm not working, I love organizing and cleaning things in my own apartment. Time just goes by faster for me when I do those things along with sewing and crafting and any other homemaking skills you can think of.

The ABCs of God

A-all knowing
B-beautiful
C-compassionate
D-dependable
E-everlasting
F-father
G-graceful
H-holy
I-inimate
J-joyful
K-knowledge
L-leader
M-mighty
N-nice
O-only one
P-patience
Q-quilt-This might be going a little far but Q is a hard one to think for but I picked quilt because God comforts us when we need Him to just like when you get under a quilt that is on your bed. You get under God when you need to be safe and "covered up".
R-redeemer
S-Savior
T-teacher
U-understanding
V-victorous
W-wise
X- x-ray vision because He can see right through us.
Y-yearning
Z-zealous

A New Chapter of Life

         This week has been hard in some ways but at the same time I have been a lot more relaxed then I have been in awhile. There has been some changes in my life this week that are big changes but I'm not going to worry over then, which is a huge step for me. I turely believe what happened, happened for a reason. God was giving me other plans in my mind to pursue and if I couldn't do it where I was then He needed to move me so I could do it.
          I love relaxing these past few days. It honestly feels like a weight has been lifted off my body. I can and have just laid in the middle of my living room floor and felt relaxed with nothing on my mind. I sleep better and seem happier. I can take care of myself more then I use to be able too. It is strange though that I'm not really worrying over getting another job. Then again I have plans and I know God has plans for me too. It is a time I can trust God and see Him work in the way He wants to work. There have been so many times that I have hurried in life and tried to do things my own way and well, we know now that that isn't the best way to handle things.
           I have a plan that I want to and need to stick to this time. Where times before, I didn't have anything planned out or to work towards. I will say though that God has changed my heart after everything I have been though and that is a good thing. I have seen the importance of having family and friends and what it means to be really close to them. That is something I want to try while taking a break from jobs. Learned not to take things for granted like this break. Rest and take care of myself when I have the chance because it is a good thing to do. Times before, it was wanting to go to other countries and changing lives overseas, which I will still do on small trips if I got the chance but there are people in the states that need help too.
           I have everything I need and love near me. Why move away from everything? I still don't get why I am calmer then I have been in the past but like I said I'm not really in a hurry or worried to find something. That is a big deal for me and I think part of it is that I learned that though my last job. My last job grew me a lot because it opened my eyes to things I never knew before. I have a house, family, and friends that love me and that is all that really matters right now. I have seen just this past week how much my family cares for me. I know they always do and they try all the time but I think this week I could just take that caring and advice in without anything else on my mind.
            Everything has a different feeling then before. I am just amazed that though all of this I can see how much I have changed. I don't know what God has planned next for me and I might be a little scared because I know whatever it is it will be new for me but at the same time I know God has it under control. It is strange because I would rather take a few weeks crafting and sewing and reading then really looking for a job. It is really different when you work 40 hours under stressful situations and then you go to a time where you are doing nothing. Nothing can compare to the job I just had and I did grow a lot through that job.
           If I move anywhere it would be back to where I started my life, which is around Joplin, MO. I would not what to go more north. I would and am around the places and people that I love and care about. I have made too many good friends here in AR that it would be really hard to leave them right off the bat. I'm not stressing about what is next for my life because I know God has that under control so I am trusting Him with it. For now, I am just relaxing in His Peace and Trust. We are talking it out a lot more then I use to with Him and I'm reading His Word a lot more. I am just feeling a peace that I never felt before and I don't want to get rid of it fast. I want to take each day as it comes in His Peace and Path for me.
          I mean I'm almost 30 (3 more year) but I need to really think about where I want to be in those next 3 years and then after. Do I need to take more schooling? Do I want to live in AR or MO or somewhere else? Do I want to get married if so then I need the time and calmness to get to know guys around me? This is not something that I'm taking lightly but I really have a lot that I still need to work on with me and I can't do any of those things if I'm not healthy yet. Not too many people take the time to enjoy the peace that God gives them or the relaxation that He gives you just to deepen relationships whether with Him or with people around you. I want to be able to encourage and listen like I use to be able to do. That is something big that I have missed lately about myself.
          If you are looking for me, I will be talking and relaxing In God's Peace. There might be chaos going on around me but I feel like I'm in God's peace and that is a first for me. I will get back in that chaos later on but for now let me enjoy God's Peace. I've done my 2 and a half years and even though it was rewarding it was hard too.

Having Speech Problems

      I have spent all morning thinking and journaling by hand about my life and really just talking and listening to God. It has been hard to come to the reality of who I really am but there was always that little voice in the back of my head telling me things that I knew was true but didn't want to hear or thought I could fix by myself because I'm stubborn like that. I don't have a good title for this entry yet but maybe one will come along while I'm writing or later on today. I'm not the person anyone thinks I am. I've hid and said no to things for so long. I have put them back in my mind so I wouldn't be bothered by them.
       As I look back, and yes I will say, since my college years, God has given me people that would try to help me become who I can be but I was just to stubborn to change. I didn't see how anything could help or how what they were suggesting would help. How can something so little like changing the way I talk make a big difference in the long run of my life? Well, now I know and my eyes have been open to it more then ever. In elementary and high school, my speech therapist would just say that I could say the letters but I needed to try harder when I say them because I would say it prefect for her but when I just talk I wouldn't. I guess that had a little affect on that I didn't need to fix it because I can say it if I want to sort of feeling. Still to this day, I can say those sounds perfectly.
        In college and the job I had there, which I loved and even to this day, I have people tell me I think it would help your confidence if we get to work on your speech or something near those words. I would always turn them down. I know they were trying to help but I just didn't want to face it because it was so hard for me in high school and I even got made fun of for it. I tried to after high school just not think about my speech problems anymore and that worked for most of my college years. There were one or two times someone commented about it but they were trying to help me and I didn't see that back then. I just thought in the back of my mind that they just didn't like me for me.
        Now after spending 4 years out in the big world, I see it does have a huge affect on me and my personality. Seeing and comparing to everyone, thinking what is wrong with me and what can I do to change how I live. I will be honest since I got out of college 4 years ago my life felt like it has been going in the same cycle over and over. I tried everything that I could think of and that I was scared off. I tried to change my relationships/friendships, jobs, places I live, and so forth but I was still the same person. I would be fine for a few months or years and then I would start to go downhill again.
        Now my eyes are being opened the hard way because I wouldn't listen to the people back in high school or college and get the help that I needed. When a person has a speech problem, it could affect more then just the way they talk.  I know and believe after these 4 years of living in the "real" world that it affect my confidence which affects a lot of things in the real world. It affects my self-esteem and my communication with friends/relations and in my jobs. It also affects my physical health because I feel so stressed out all the time. I believe that once you have a problem like a speech problems more problems are going to build up on that. Who knows some disorders might build up because you are to taking care of you like you should.
        When you don't have good self esteem about yourself or confidence in yourself , then honestly, what do you have? It is your self-esteem and confidence that makes you are person and that person that you are where you are. If you don't have those two things for yourself, then how can you have those two things for anyone else or help anyone else.
My point: When someone has a speech problem, don't take it lightly at all.
        I think some of my problems came from teachers taking it lightly and not looking more into it like they should have. Then they would pass it onto my parents so I would get the same response at home. It is also strange that teachers will say they do it great for me in class so I don't know why they wouldn't do it great at home. Would you ever think that maybe because in class that person as to be perfect at saying it or that person might get rejected or that is what the person might think? I didn't say I felt that way but it is something to think about. A person knows when something as to be right or they might get rejected and if they are scared of that feeling then yes, in the hardest of spots they will say it right.
         I know now what the way to fix that is because you don't want to be harsh at home either because they can be a turn off. For me, I think when I didn't talk right it was a feel of comfort and when I did talk right like in the classroom with a person I saw maybe twice a day that might have been because I knew what she was looking for and would make me stay there until I got it right. I didn't want to be rejected. Those twice of days is when she saw and knew me so I wanted to put on a good impression for her. Maybe I should keep that thought in the "real" world and I will go places with that thought if it's not too late?

TN Trip with the Girls

    Well, I am back from Nashville, TN. Really don't want to be back and start reality again but I have to. It was such an amazing and relaxing trip! It was just so great to get away from everything and just be with my college friends again and be reminded of how much fun college was. I was thinking when we were driving back home that I should talk to them more and not just them but other people that I live around that went to college when I was there. I'm a new person since I graduated college. I'm not the same as I use to be at all. I've had chances I never thought I would have and so on.
      Anyways, this trip with the girls made me realize who I really am again and who I should be. We are all friends because we have things in common and besides believing in Christ, which is our main thing, it is also helping children and just being and living in the same state. It is having that closeness in community and with the children. It is all about having that one on one so you can really help those in need. It is about wanting to be a stay at home mom and doing it. It is about having the same goals even though you are miles away from each other and care enough to get together ever so often. It is about having that same fun times in college and then looking back at them and laughing.
       Just being with the girls and listening to them talk reminded me what it means to have true friendships and just be open and having fun with your friends. I was so ate peace and relax while on the trip with them. I didn't worry about a thing and I learned a lot about myself and them. I could even take it other things while relaxing in a quite place. Being in the city, just stresses me out and I can't think at times about what I should say or how to say it or what to do next. Everything I did on the trip made perfect sense to me at least and it seemed to come naturally. It also made me see that we might be together through everything at that would be amazing if we can stay that close. Through each others' weddings, through every birth of every baby we have, and so on.
       If you are reading this, you might think it is strange but it isn't. Whether a friendship or a relationship with the opposite side, you need to share feelings and be able to enjoy each other's time together or apart. I just saw things in a whole new light since I haven't been on a long trip with the girls ever since college ended and I do regret that big time. Never missing another one again. Seeing how their lives are changing have really encouraged me to do some changing in my life too. Yeah, I might be able to try things out and see what I like best as a job with my degree, which is great but I need a degree to settle down with too. Working at different jobs to see what I like best is a blessing in its own way from my college. Not have a certain degree is a blessing too. I didn't get a college degree just to get looked down on throughout my life with anything that I do. If people won't take me seriously, then they don't need my ideas. That is how I should feel because I have the degree.
       Sometimes, I down size myself thinking that I need to be humble and quite because I'm not in charge or I haven't been at a place for a long time but do I really need to be that way. Yes, I will take into people's ideas but I don't have to change what I do or think. It might sound like I'm a big person and that is why I hate to think that way but someone needs to stand up when others won't. I have really thought lately since I graduated college that people are not taking me and my degree seriously. It is a hard way to live because I go home every night just stressing about things that I could have done that I didn't or that someone could have done after I gave them my suggestion but they didn't. It is like sharing your ideas and then not getting a response of any kind back ever or really, really late.
       They know that I am passionate about the children or that I am a hard worker but they never look pass that. Which being passionate and hardworking are good things but those are not the only things that make me me. I have a lot more to me then people think I do. I just have a hard time getting it out so when I write it or espically say it out loud then I mean it.
      One more thing about my phsyical and mental health while on the trip. I stayed up so late at night because I couldn't go to sleep. That you might think is a bad thing but it wasn't. It was a really good thing because it meant I wasn't sleepy or thinking about things. I can honestly say for the first time in a long time that my mind was clear and empty of thoughts. It was a peace. I would try to think of things while laying down to go to sleep and I couldn't. I would stay up and do things until I was really sleepy. Even though my legs were restless, my mind was at peace and that was a good thing. I can't win all the way around but I would rather of my legs be restless then thinking about the things that I think about most of the time.
       I also studied the Bible a lot more on the trip and I'm learning a lot from there too. I'm learning how to grow my faith in Christ and what that looks like. I'm learning that I don't need to be scared to live for Christ. I'm learning to step out of this sinful world and just trust God with everything that I am. He will make the path clear for me if I let go of it and let Him. I would write these verses down and while writing them down it just seemed like God was talking to me saying, " are you living like this?", "This is how I want you to act.", "You were like this but now you are like this.", "This is how you get this to happen.", and so on.
       There will be quite a few entries about Bible verses in the next week or 2 weeks because of what I studied on the trip. The verses are about the defining moments the God gives you in life and how He give them to you. They are really good verses to live by and I need to write them down in my own words, not just straight from the Bible. There are at least 3 sections of verses that I am done with now and I have 1 or 2 more to go so maybe every other day starting this Thursday.

Lessons from this entry:
-Get in a close community and keep that community as close as you can even if it is college friends 15 years down the road.
-It is neat to be able to walk through things with some friends right beside you that has always been beside you.
-Don't ask: "Where have I gone?" but ask: "Where can I go with you?"

Restoring a Friendship

      I lied in my last entry about that one being my last one before vacation. It would have been but then I thought about something else on my way home this afternoon and showed me how God can work and in what strange ways He can work. I hope it makes since because I want the lesson to come across perfectly but not the whole story of what happened. If you know what I mean? Hopefully, I don't have an entry with this title yet. Maybe someday I will look back and make sure I don't?
      Earlier this month, a friend and me didn't really understand where each other was coming from and didn't really know how to tell each other what the problem was. I would call it a small disagreement but I don't want to call it anything for the sake of being wrong. I was doing something that was bothering this friend for a long time and the friend had enough of it and tried to tell me in a nice way, which is great if I could read nice words or hints but with me that doesn't quite work well. I would rather be told straight out face to face or in a letter if not in person. I still want it to be nice but I want it to get to the point if you know what I mean.
       The friend tried to nicely tell me what the problem was but I couldn't see it. I'm just that too trusting of a person, I guess. I told my friend to tell me straight out and the friend did. Took me a few days to calm down but I did and it was faster then normal which was new for me. For all that it counts, I could also be really stubborn at times and I need that straight forwardness to break me out of that stubbornness. I went, about, a month before something happened with it. I stopped what my friend told me to stop because I could see how it was bothersome. Then something happened that next month to where I think it kind of helped restore and/or grow the friendship.
         I won't say everything because it might give what I'm talking about away but there was a moment where I felt God's forgiveness or at least an example of it that He gave me on the cross. It was a moment where I felt like I really gave forgiveness and where I really wanted to because I care about that friend so much. It was when we had that one thing in common, which is that we believe in God and that He died on the cross for our sins. If God can forgive me for the problems I have been to Him and however mean I've been to Him. Then why can't I forgive this friend for telling me what the friend wanted to because I will agree I should have seen what I did wrong. It was right in front of me but I was too stubborn to stop. My friend was just calling it out to me and in a way keeping me accountable without even knowing it or that is what I like to think. I was just hoping something would change if I kept going but how can it if I don't let up or let go of it for God to control.
         What people we talking about around us was such a strange topic us to be around because I know it was what I needed for sure. My friend, not so sure. I would guess so but I won't assume. We have known each other all these years and seen each other throughout those years but yet there was this one night where everything just had to come together out of all those other nights. It seemed like it was one thing after the other. Now though, it seems like there is a break but I hope not. I pray and hope that God is just working behind the miracle and something else will come out of it. I'm thinking about this and what happened a month ago right now. I'm boiling it down to this. It is just a simple thing that came to mind of a drive home.
         You can call it restoring a friendship but I don't know if it was really ever broken but if anything it was deepen a lot more. At least for me, it was. The other thing that I might call it is God giving me a second chance but if that is what I'm going to call it the God needs to give me a lot of 2nd chances so that is why I think "deepening" or "restoring" are better words for this situation.

Learn from the Stories of Others

 1-2 "Those of us who are strong and able in the faith need to step in and lend a hand to those who falter, and not just do what is most convenient for us. Strength is for service, not status. Each one of us needs to look after the good of the people around us, asking ourselves, “How can I help?”

3-6 "That’s exactly what Jesus did. He didn’t make it easy for himself by avoiding people’s troubles, but waded right in and helped out. “I took on the troubles of the troubled,” is the way Scripture puts it. Even if it was written in Scripture long ago, you can be sure it’s written for us. God wants the combination of his steady, constant calling and warm, personal counsel in Scripture to come to characterize us, keeping us alert for whatever he will do next. May our dependably steady and warmly personal God develop maturity in you so that you get along with each other as well as Jesus gets along with us all. Then we’ll be a choir—not our voices only, but our very lives singing in harmony in a stunning anthem to the God and Father of our Master Jesus!"-Romans 15:1-6 (The Message)

         Just letting you all now this might be my last one for this week until next Tuesday because I'm going with my college girlfriends on a much needed summer vacation. We will be too busy listening to country music and roaming the country streets because we are headed to Nashville, TN on Wednesday. Yes, I will also write about it will I get home because it will be a trip to remember. I'ms sure of it! 

         As, I think, I've said before my church is doing a series on the life of David and it is hitting me pretty good. So good that I am doing the verses that they give in the bulletin to read every day during the week. This is the first series that I am actually doing those verses. I might be two weeks behind but I'm still doing them. These 6 verses were some of those verses and here what they mean to me and how they hit me hard.

       The title is "Learn from the stories of others" for a reason. That reason is this: "we can all learn something from each other whether good or bad". It says that if we are strong and able that we should help those who falter. To me, that means get in their lives and live it with them. Listen to them when they need a listening ear. You might learn something useful especially if you are younger then them.. They could lead you to right and wrong things to do. We shouldn't do what is most convenient for us because then we might miss out on something that we needed in our lives. Sometimes God asks us to do things in our most inconvenient times but really it is the right time for you or that person you are helping.

        When we come across someone that could use our help, we need to ask ourselves "How can I help?" and then go do it. That is what Jesus did. He went and helped people who needed the help. It didn't make his life any easier by avoiding the people's problems. If he did, we wouldn't be here today. God wants us to be alert for what He will and can do next in our lives. Learning from others' stories can strengthen and teach us things that we might not learn otherwise. It is how our dependably, steady, and personal God develops the maturity in us that we need to get through hardships and easy things in life. It shows us how to get along with each other because if we understand and learn each other's stories then we can see who people truly are and why they do what they do. 

          So reach out and welcome one another to God's glory. I know it isn't the easiest thing to do. Trust me. I still have a hard time doing it but I know I need to go deeper and get to know some of the people around me. I know I have doubted and hurt some people that I never meant to hurt but yet I did because I didn't take the time to stop, think, and ask them about their stories of life. I know for me just waiting on some people or just knowing they are not where they should be or want to be yet is the hardest thing for me. God is teaching and growing me in patience in the knowing that they're not ready and won't be for awhile. Then I also know that God is teaching me self-control in a lot of ways too like to hold myself back when it is not the right time to jump in on different things. 

          It is hard to share our stories but once we do, we have helped someone grow into the person that God wants them to be wether it is just a little bit or a lot. We can all learn something from everyone. God puts certain people in our paths for certain reasons whether learning from them or teaching them. You will never know until you each share your story with one another. 

Freedom From Stuff

        As I sit in front of my computer, typing and eating pudding, I think about this past week and what I did and learned. The Bible study that I had on Tuesday night was very powerful. It was about "letting God take care of your business, if you will only take care of His business." There has also been a friend in that study that as been encourage me every time she talks about it, which I was thinking she did twice, about cleaning out her garage and the "stuff" she was saving for the future when she would get married and have house. It was like she was holding on to those things and that hope instead of God. That stuff had her in bondage from the freedom God could give her.
         As I just sat in the car and met with her a couple of times, just her and me, I got to thinking too, What am I holding onto? Could my anxiety and stress come from holding on and hoping for so many things? After the Bible study Tuesday night, I went home and study just putting clothes in trash bags. Clothes I know that were out of style and that I needed to get rid of for years but either didn't want to or just made excuses for not having the time. I will agree that some of those clothes styles were from high school (10 years back) and even longer because there was one moment that I wore the dress and it was special to me at that time but never wore it again. It was a lot easier and every night after work I would try and fill at least one trash bag full of clothes.
          I have 4 trash bags full of clothes now to take to the children's shelter for the teenage girls and younger to pick out from. I also took 5 of my really good dresses today and gave it to the girls too. To me, they need the dresses to look pretty and feel confident more then me. They don't get that kind of pretty and good stuff. I kept thinking this week too that I work at a place now that I can donate my clothes and see them being used and now that it is for the good of the girls. There are some things that I'm taking home this next week like some toys or some keepsakes that really have important meanings and yes, I'm still in the keeping things for a project mode too. I can honestly say through when I put those clothes in the trash bags it did not hurt me once like it use too. I felt so free and happy just knowing someone else could use them.
            I will admit that I was happy too because some of them, like 2 bags, I was going to take to a store and get some money out of them but that didn't happen. All my clothes are too faded or way out of style for the shop I took them too. They are not the brand name type of clothes the store likes. When I left the store I was kind of upset at it. The question in my head was: "Why just do brand name clothes? I mean I had some that could look brand name but wasn't and they still didn't take those." It was strange but then I got to thinking all well more for the teenage girls at the shelter. My goal in all of this is to be "free" from my high school years and back and start anew. Buy the new clothes in style now when I get the chance and make new memories.
            I know it sounds strange but that is one way I'm getting rid of some of my past and my anxieties because they are just reminders hanging in my closet. I don't need those reminders of my past anymore. I want to make a new start and make new memories. I also got to thinking earlier that it is strange how different people get rid of different things for different reasons. I have the one friend I talked about earlier getting rid of her future things, have another friend that is getting rid of her past things because she is thinning out so she can move because she got married about a year ago and they are looking to move, and then here I am getting rid of my old high school memories. It is really showing 3 stages of life just right here.
           First stage, living by yourself and trying to find out who you real are in Christ. Second stage, living life out for Christ in the present instead of anywhere else. Third, living Christ out in your marriage or big changes and challenges. It is strange how something so simple can mean so much and make you feel so free to move on. My next project is getting rid of some of my high school reading books and hopefully, I can only get down to 2 small bookcases instead of 3 small bookcases. It would make my little apartment look big if I could do that. Also, I feel like God is not wanting me to move to a bigger place right now because I have tried the past two summers and can't fine a place that will take me in or that I like. I'm taking this cleaning out as a sign from God that maybe I just need to give things away and not hoard all this stuff. If I get a bigger apartment, would I just fill it up again with things I don't need? Then, would I feel really lonely living by myself with all that stuff?
            Even cleaning the apartment or house, God has a reason for you to be doing that if only you can see it through God's eyes. Everything has a purpose when it comes to pleasing God, even the little things like cleaning things out. This entry is from my homemaker side of me. Just in case you couldn't tell. If I can keep looking at cleaning like this especially when God decides to make me a stay at home mom then I might keep my sanity together most of the time.

Mold My Heart-A Poem

       I think the best way to show what God is teaching me is through writing poems. I use to write poems all the time when I was in high school and I'm just slowly getting back into it. This poem will be my second one in 2 months when I use to write 3 poems in one month. I would like to get back to doing that if I can. We'll see what happens.



Mold My Heart

Ideas from: 1 Samuel 17 when David had his defining moment
before his kingship. The sermon on that chapter was July 4th, 2015.

Mold my heart into Your
Heart, O God. I want people
to see You through me. I want
to love like You love. I want
to have the same passions as
You have. Let me love like You.

I want to have a heart like Yours.
I want to see what You see. I want
to see the realness in people. I want
to see what is really going on in this
world around me. I want to see things
that I can be a part of.

Mold my heart into Yours, O God.
I want to commit to the purposes
you have given to me. I want to
commit to the path that You have me.
I want to commit to being Your
Princess and give my life to you.

I want to have a heart like Yours.
Let me live a life of integrity. Let
me have a life that is perfect in Your
eyes. Let me be whole in You by
following in Your footsteps. I want to
be honest in all that I do for I do it
all for You.

Mold my heart into Yours, O God.
I want to trust in Your Power and
in what it can do for me. I want to
trust that You will give me the best
in life. I want to trust that You will
lead me in the way everlasting. I
want to trust that You will give me
the promises that You promised
long ago.

All this to say: I want to have a
heart like Yours. I want to live
for You and with You. Mold me
into the person that I am in You
Start with my heart and go
from the inside out. For you,
look at the inward appearance
when man looks at the outward
appearance.

Written By: Tiffney Wilson

             July 2015

Where is my Defining Moment?

       I'm writing now because I have a really busy week ahead of me and probably won't get to write for the next week if I don't have to. I'm getting ready for a vacation and then I have a lot of work meetings to attend to so won't have time. I wanted to write about what God has been teaching me this past week and last night at church. Don't you hate it when the sermons at church match up to what you are learning without even known or thinking about it. Not only that but you know God has already been there because it also goes with the situation in your life at that time.
        I had a favorite saying this week and it was from my summer Bible study group and it is, "As you release it, God releases a miracle to you."-Priscilla Shirer. My week's study was on how to spend time with God so you can get a double potion of a miracle later on in life. It is like spending Sunday to get ready for the week. Like catching up and/or finishing housework but yet it is spending time with God so you have more energy and wisdom later for the harder things that come your way. If that wasn't enough to get me thinking and letting go of things, the sermon last night had to be about David and Goliath and how David had his defining moment while fighting Goliath. Not only did he have a defining moment but it was because you could see that David's heart was after God's own heart.
        I got a saying from that sermon to that I am going to hold on to this week and it is: "David made God's purposes his own and then trusted God with other things that he wanted."  Meaning another thing that I learned in my own Bible study, "Take care of God's business, and let Him take care of yours." I like it more that way because it is more straight forwards for me. It really all comes down to: "Obey-God will take care of the rest." It is so funny that God is teaching me this at this moment in my life because I have a lot going on whether simple or hard. I got a job that I like because of the children but trying to get other people to see that some things need to be change there. Trying to let God be in control of my future married life and not to worry about that.
        Right now, all I think about that is God's business and that I need to take care of are the children where I work and myself. That might seemed to be a little bit selfish but in a way it is true. God says, "Take care of the temple that I have given you because it is a holy temple for me"-worded differently by me. There is a verse in the Bible that talks about that though. God will lead me where He wants me in His Time and His Place. I understand that I might have to work for it and I am in a lot of ways where I am now. I'm growing up a lot where I am at. Sometimes I don't even feel right about taking care of the children because I'm not in the right state of mind. I just so sleepy, stressed out, and worried that I shouldn't be taken care of the children.
         I can see where there might be a defining moment for me at this job I'm at now but I still think I have a ways to go to have that defining moment in my life as a whole. It is neat to see how God anointed David to be king at a young age and then he had to wait years for the fight with Goliath to come along so God could prove he was the next to be king not only by strength but by David's heart for God. I have thought about a lot of things that I might want to do but none of them has really poked out yet. I have narrowed it down to two things though which is really good compared to how many I had when I first moved to AR and this job has helped me a lot in that narrowing down of choices.
         I either want to be an OT or want to work with foster children in some way. I would seriously take the children in by myself if I could. If I had the house and so on to do it. I just can't see me working for any other children now that I have worked with the children I do. There has to be an "easier" way for who I am though. Then there is always that childhood dream of getting married and having my own children. I could have 3 defining moments in my life if all these would come true. Each one is a different chapter of my life story. I'm sticking to these and not backing down like I have in the past. There has to be a way to do all 3 of them.
       With God by my side, I know I will get them all done. Notice how challenging they are all? None of them will be easy but then again I like challenges because they just make me grow closer to God by depending on Him more, which is what my life is all about. Living to Glorify Him and no one else. I might be a stranger to this world but I'm not a stranger to God and that is all that matters in life.

A Day Where Things Are So Memorable

        If you follow along with my blog, you could probably tell that I am working with a brunch of rowdy boys and some days are better then others or worse then others. These past few weeks have been really busy and really hard for me because of the behaviors of the little boys but things are getting better. Today was one of the best days that I have had in a month or a little longer. It is strange because it is the day my FFA advisor past away 6 years ago. I always remember him telling us who we could be and really were. He has challenged us to be the best that we could be and today I was there or at least most of the way there.
         I had some really cute moments with the little boys where I remembered "oh yeah, this is why I love this job. It is for the children and nothing or no one else." The first moment was when the boys were going crazy outside and chasing each other around the playground. They seem like they can't play alone. They always have to be bugging each other and they have been doing that all week. I brought some new toys in yesterday and we didn't get to play with them then but we got to play with them today. I, finally, got them out and put them in the sandbox outside on the playground and the boys loved them.
         The toys were little toy sharks and fish that they could play in the sand with. I gave them ideas like to hide them in the sand, the sharks could eat the sand, they could swim in the sand, and things like that. There was enough sharks and fish for each of them to have two each. That kept them busy for about 30 mins, or maybe a little longer but then the boys carried the sharks around with them the rest of the day. When they were not listening, I would say, "I'm going to take the sharks away" and they were settle right back down because they wanted to keep them. It was so sweet to because, after a few mins of given them the sharks and fish, a few of the little boys kept saying, "thank you for the new toys." It is amazing how something that simple and little could mean so much.
          Then they got to play on water slides and in little kiddie pools before lunch time and that was fun to watch. The people that came and put it on for us played with the little children and the big children and they got wet along with them. They were pouring water on each other and going down the slides with them. It was just fun to watch because there were smiles on every kid's face during that water play even the little ones' faces. There were some older guys that and my little guys just had a blast with that.
           Before we went out and played in that, though, one of my little boys tried to be a big helper and told one of his peers to stop picking/kicking on another peer. To my surprise, he did it nice and sweet. He went up to his peer that was bothering another peer and said, "please stop that" but the other peer didn't listen to him. It was a little boy that was usually really rowdy so it was really good to see him being sweet by trying to help out. It just broke my heart and of course he leaves sometime next week.
           Then the last thing of today was one of the toddler boys was laughing his head off after nap time. It was the cutest thing ever! He has been gone for two days or almost for that amount of time and just got back this morning and I never knew how much I would miss him until he started to laugh and talk again. I was sitting there watching and laughing with him and thinking what if I really took this baby home with me. I mean he is the longest baby we have had because of his health problems. We have to keep moving his leaving date back to fit different appointments in to make sure he goes to them. At the end of this month, he will have been there for 3 whole months when they usually have to leave after 45 days.
            I will be honest. There are times where I do take my job for granted and forget why I am really there. My mind goes make to I need to make more money or they need to do this or that. This is not working like it should be. There are moments where I get really picky and bossy but I shouldn't be that way. I am there for the children and as long as the children are happy and safe then I am doing my job. I might be sleepy by the end of the day and not go out anywhere afterwards but for this chapter of my life that is okay. God has called me to be missionary to abused and unvaulable children and I need to take that job seriously.