Having Speech Problems

      I have spent all morning thinking and journaling by hand about my life and really just talking and listening to God. It has been hard to come to the reality of who I really am but there was always that little voice in the back of my head telling me things that I knew was true but didn't want to hear or thought I could fix by myself because I'm stubborn like that. I don't have a good title for this entry yet but maybe one will come along while I'm writing or later on today. I'm not the person anyone thinks I am. I've hid and said no to things for so long. I have put them back in my mind so I wouldn't be bothered by them.
       As I look back, and yes I will say, since my college years, God has given me people that would try to help me become who I can be but I was just to stubborn to change. I didn't see how anything could help or how what they were suggesting would help. How can something so little like changing the way I talk make a big difference in the long run of my life? Well, now I know and my eyes have been open to it more then ever. In elementary and high school, my speech therapist would just say that I could say the letters but I needed to try harder when I say them because I would say it prefect for her but when I just talk I wouldn't. I guess that had a little affect on that I didn't need to fix it because I can say it if I want to sort of feeling. Still to this day, I can say those sounds perfectly.
        In college and the job I had there, which I loved and even to this day, I have people tell me I think it would help your confidence if we get to work on your speech or something near those words. I would always turn them down. I know they were trying to help but I just didn't want to face it because it was so hard for me in high school and I even got made fun of for it. I tried to after high school just not think about my speech problems anymore and that worked for most of my college years. There were one or two times someone commented about it but they were trying to help me and I didn't see that back then. I just thought in the back of my mind that they just didn't like me for me.
        Now after spending 4 years out in the big world, I see it does have a huge affect on me and my personality. Seeing and comparing to everyone, thinking what is wrong with me and what can I do to change how I live. I will be honest since I got out of college 4 years ago my life felt like it has been going in the same cycle over and over. I tried everything that I could think of and that I was scared off. I tried to change my relationships/friendships, jobs, places I live, and so forth but I was still the same person. I would be fine for a few months or years and then I would start to go downhill again.
        Now my eyes are being opened the hard way because I wouldn't listen to the people back in high school or college and get the help that I needed. When a person has a speech problem, it could affect more then just the way they talk.  I know and believe after these 4 years of living in the "real" world that it affect my confidence which affects a lot of things in the real world. It affects my self-esteem and my communication with friends/relations and in my jobs. It also affects my physical health because I feel so stressed out all the time. I believe that once you have a problem like a speech problems more problems are going to build up on that. Who knows some disorders might build up because you are to taking care of you like you should.
        When you don't have good self esteem about yourself or confidence in yourself , then honestly, what do you have? It is your self-esteem and confidence that makes you are person and that person that you are where you are. If you don't have those two things for yourself, then how can you have those two things for anyone else or help anyone else.
My point: When someone has a speech problem, don't take it lightly at all.
        I think some of my problems came from teachers taking it lightly and not looking more into it like they should have. Then they would pass it onto my parents so I would get the same response at home. It is also strange that teachers will say they do it great for me in class so I don't know why they wouldn't do it great at home. Would you ever think that maybe because in class that person as to be perfect at saying it or that person might get rejected or that is what the person might think? I didn't say I felt that way but it is something to think about. A person knows when something as to be right or they might get rejected and if they are scared of that feeling then yes, in the hardest of spots they will say it right.
         I know now what the way to fix that is because you don't want to be harsh at home either because they can be a turn off. For me, I think when I didn't talk right it was a feel of comfort and when I did talk right like in the classroom with a person I saw maybe twice a day that might have been because I knew what she was looking for and would make me stay there until I got it right. I didn't want to be rejected. Those twice of days is when she saw and knew me so I wanted to put on a good impression for her. Maybe I should keep that thought in the "real" world and I will go places with that thought if it's not too late?