Am I Enough?

        I'm probably going to share more then I need to but I know other people especially girls and women need to hear this too. As women and girls, we are so hard on ourselves. I have been told that but now I see it in my life. I see how hard I am on myself during every second of every day. Yet, it isn't worth it because we are much better then that. I'm seeing through the situations that I'm going through right now that I'm not good enough for them. To tell you the truth, that is a thought I have been believing all my life, whether about for guys to school performance. I always had that thought in the back of my head.
         It is just getting worse, it seems, in real life because I'm trying so hard but yet I feel that weight of not being good enough fall on me more and more especially when I become stubborn and don't ask for help. I've finally hit rock bottom but it seems too hard to get back up again. I'm trying to stay on top of my bills and trying to understand the way to do things like get insurance and loans and so on. It is just so hard.
         Today I was trying to get things done as fast as I could so I could have some free time to myself at the end of the week and it just put stress on me. I spent more time everywhere that I went, then I had planned. I spent a hour and a half at the drs. office, spent half a hour at the unemployment office, and 3 hours at Wal-mart waiting on my car to get fixed. I didn't have time to go to my yoga class tonight. I did all those things but yet I feel like it isn't good enough because I still have things left undone.
           I know I am only 27 and I have some years to go but I was thinking about my heart's desire to be a stay at home mom especially while I was looking in the home area and frozen food section of Wal-Mart. You might think that is strange but really it isn't or at least not to me. I want a house now that I can decorate with all of the pretty things I see and just the way I want it. I have come to the idea that my house will be decorated in hues of browns with bears and sunflower with the sayings "Love, Hope, Faith" and/or "Love, Laugh, Live" but that right there shows you and me that I think I'm not enough yet.
            Looking at the frozen food and thinking it is fine for a single women like me but I want to make meal plans and have enough food to by things to make so they are healthy enough for me. I want to have the time to cook healthy meals and/or a 4 course meal at least. I know I'm putting a lot of stones on my back by myself but it is what I want and I think I'm doing it because I know I have the time now. For some reason, I just can't make myself do it and there is another reason that I'm not good enough. Do you see where I'm going with this?
            Yet, I know in God's eyes we are enough to Him but for some reason that is so hard for us to believe. I'm trying all these different things but yet I fail at each of them because I feel like I'm not enough. How do I get to the point where I feel like I am enough and that I shouldn't care what other people think about me? I will say counselors make it sound so simple and easy, when really it isn't. It is just something you have to grow into. Honestly, knowing this and knowing that I know I will never be enough for my future husband or children, kind of scares me a little bit because I know I have more things to keep up with then I do now especially if I'm a stay at home mom.
            That is why I have to get my eyes fixed on God now so I'll be ready for those things when they come. I do want God to be the Center of my everything. I want to know that I am enough for Him and if I'm not for anyone else then too bad. I think this all started in grade school. When I moved to a new school and the kids they were teasing me. I just felt like I had to reach a level to be good enough and I would know when that level stopped or that I needed to work on it more because things would change.
            For example, lets say a guy teases a girl for a few days or months and then he turns around and goes out with another girl. What message does that send the girl he is teasing for present and the future? Try really hard? Another example would be: During senior year, different pictures are taken of the people that have been there since Kindergarden. What message does that send the people who started at that school in a different grade? Did I ever really fit in? What if you had to be Miss Perfect because your parents worked at the same school? What if you had 4 other siblings to try and keep up with when you were growing up? The list could go on and on.
            We all wear the mask, especially women and girls, of perfection and I got this under control when really we don't at all. We are really hurt inside but yet we don't want anyone to see because that would just be ugly and that is the life we are use to living. But what if we started to take off those masks of "good enough" and start to put on the masks of "I'm broken just like you. Yet, I'm willing to understand you if you are willing to understand me"? It would get rid of a lot of conflict in this world, wouldn't it? It can be a painful journey but I think I am just starting mine.
            Another question to think about with all of this is: When we act like we are "good enough" are we really helping people by hiding who we are or are we really hurting them? I could see in some situations that I have been truthful with myself and the people around, I could have probably helped them even if it was just a little bit. It was something and something is better then nothing. I just feel like I could go on about this topic and you might see more entries on it through out the next few months as I am learning what it means to be "enough". I just feel like it is every women's though, even if we don't say it out loud because we were made to be the nurturer and caregiver. Men might fight with me on this one and I'm willing to fight back but when you look at what we really go through and understand us, we have a hard job too. That's just life.
            We both have our differences and that even means differences in different ways and feelings. We, even, handle them differently. I'm so grateful that we have a God who forgives our sins rather then condemns us because we are so messed up and sinful. We could never get this men vs. women thing right.