Waiting and Fighting Everyday

         I have thought a lot about what is going on in my life and how I am handling it right now. This entry might not make a whole lot of sense but it is how I feel right now. I feel like I'm doing two things and that is waiting for things to come through and fighting for what I believe in. Those two things really takes a lot of energy out of a person. People would think that I just at home sitting around waiting but I'm not. I'm out on the town almost everyday trying a job or two. I'm turning paperwork in non stop. I was busy and fighting things at first but now it all boils down to waiting.
         Sure I can still do an application here and there but the main things that really matter right now to me are things I have to wait on. Things like money, a job, a trip, and so on. Now more then ever I am just sitting at home and waiting and I hate that. I want to be out doing something for people. I have thought about volunteering and I might in the next month if I don't get a job then but I have to make sure everything else is done with. I have never been good at the waiting process in my life because I usually get things right away or fairly quickly and I'm not saying that to be a know it all but it's true until now.
         This is probably the longest I had to wait for anything that really mattered to me minus waiting for a future spouse. I also fighting with who I really am and what my purpose is on this earth. It is just crazy what people can do to you and how they can bring you down by the words or actions they do. If I'm not fighting with myself, I'm fighting with or for someone and that is hard too. I have a lot of moments since I left my job that I fought with myself. Yes, you can do that. Your inside is telling you something different but you are too scared or too good to follow what it is saying.
           That different something is not something that you even thought of in your life so why should you have to do it. What good will it do you? You are asking all of these questions to yourself and then you are having people turn you down non stop after interviews, which hurts even more because you might know the reason but it isn't the reason. It feels like your life could go backwards but you so want to go forwards with it like you have been for those 27 years of your life. You are not a person who gives up easily.
             While you wait, you thinking and talking to your friends about where you are and who you are in life and how you got that. You've done things and been places you never thought you would go or do. I never thought of myself as a passive aggressive person or it just really never had the chance to really show but it has lately and I'm not happy about it. I don't want to be that passive aggressive person that just pass up conflicts because it might hurt me. I want to confront them if it will help me or the people/children I'm working for.
               I think as the years go on, the more passive aggressive I get without even knowing it and I need to stop it because I won't get a husband or good long friends that way or a career that way either. I need to learn how to be bold in conflicts and stand up for myself. I need to say what is on my mind out loud but in a nice way. The problem with me is that I might say it out loud but it wouldn't be in nice way way so it shows through my actions instead. Right now, I can't really see myself anywhere because I need to fix things that have to do with me. I need to fix that passive aggressive and I need to know how to take care of myself.
             It is funny that God can teach you so much in the waiting and fighting stage of a season. It is like I have woke up from an easy dream and now life is hitting my in the face with all these ideas and people around me. I see good and bad ideas and that makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing right now. When you are trying things out by yourself, it is just harder then you would ever have thought. I think that is what I'm learning right now. That things are not easy and that I may not be ready for the real world just yet.
            I still have some growing up to do even though after this, I could slow down a bit. It is like I'm going to be 30 in 3 years so I need to get things figured out now so I can be settled in my 30s. It seems like such a long time away but when you get older time gets faster it seems like. I never thought I would go through these feelings and these stages in my life but I am. It is a whole new season for me and I have no idea what to do with it. What are my big dreams? What have I always wanted to do? What are my passions? The answers to some of these questions I don't even know yet. Is that bad?
           What would God have me do? I know that is chiche but that is what it comes down to or should at least. How do I know that that job is for sure God's path for me? I'm such a doubter and I need to stop it because it won't help me in the long run either. I could go on and on about this subject but I will stop right now and see what happens in the next few days and then write more.