Being "Just" the Helper

        I have the personality of a "Helper". What is that, you might ask. It is where a person likes to be behind the leader or other people. I see that more clearly at work now this week then I ever have. I guess because in a way I am by myself and seeing how much I have to remember and do by myself. I've always work with someone or been an assistant to someone. I feel bad that I have that kind of personality but in a way it is a good thing to have.
         I keep reminding myself when I get really down about who I am that someday I will be glad that I'm just the Helper and more importantly that God made us, women, that way to start with. I'm not saying that a woman should get stepped on all over. I'm seeing more and more that for me, personally, I'm a Helper and like it that way. I don't like to come up with ideas all the time or handle things espically big things all the time. I'm not that person at all. Maybe it's because I don't have the confidence right now and the more I grow the more I will get that way. I don't know but I know for now I'm not.
         I'm not saying that I would let my husband step all over me either. I can get pretty stubborn when the time calls for it. I can hold my ground believe me and I think I would do better with people I know like my own family. I'm just scared to hold my ground at any job because I'm scared it comes out mean and/or bossy at times espically when I am very busy. I just think I can see a fine line between being a woman leader and being the "Helper" like we were made to be by our husband's side. I want to be the one that just cares and nutures the children and have fun with them like a mother is suppose to do. That's her job.
           I want to be that stay at home mom. It is a busy job but at the same time it can be a fun one. You get to bake, plan events, do crafts, and play with the children. I so have the right degree for me even though you really don't need a degree to do that job. :) I know I keep going back and forth on this big dream and then back to this little dream but it's true. I know my heart's desire is to be that mom to some children. I'm not quite sure how just yet whether my own children's home but then I would get no time with the children or my own family. I need to firgure out a way to do both. I need to just run my own home. Just go for it and forget about what other people think or I will get nowhere in life.
            I need to stop making up ideas and stick with one. I think the problem is though that I would want to stay at home with them and when you foster by yourself that is impossible to do because the state looks to see if you have a stable job to provide for them. I don't think I can do both. I have a one track mind and that mind would be on the children back home and not on work. I know I need to do more research and work for it because you need to work for a mircale to happen or let God work through you but until you get down to business yourself the Spirit can't work though you. It is like you have to start the work and God will finish it.
             It is just like I'm seeing who God made me to be and He is making me in His Image but yet I'm all alone or so I feel like that. I honestly keep thinking where is my future husband like any normal girl in their 20s do but I know too that God has a lot to show me still. I also keep thinking I'm perfect for some guy out there, the perfect (well, ok not perfect because we all mess up) home wife, and maybe I am but one: God doesn't want to give me up yet and two: I just haven't found the right one yet. You get my idea espically if you are a women. :) I'm the "helper" for God right now and right now that is all that should matter. God should be my 1st man and my eyes should be looking into His Eyes and He will be my Leader and me His Helper.