I LOVED observing OT at a public school especially a public school that was like the school I started in. I honestly felt like I was home again with cows, right across the school, in a pasture. It was the best of both my worlds as a child. Big school in the country far enough out where you could see cows from the front doors. I observed at the Pea Ridge Primary School today and it was so different then observing at a preschool. I was back in my area where I feel the most comfortable. It went by too fast and too easy for me. I thought it was going to be a lot harder but it really wasn't.
The thing that I learned the most and really shocked me about public schools is that they seem to be more focused on the classroom things like writing, counting, cutting and coloring, and so on. They seem to work more on the fine motor then the gross motor things. The children just seem to have a lot more of that fine motor. Another thing that surprised me was they don't work with disorders at that age because it is hard to tell what a child might have so they just see how developmentally they are behind and work with that. They also work a lot with strengthening their hands and upper body muscles if need be and then their visual concept.
They would do things like tangrams and draw on the computer, cutting out shapes, letter magnet broad where you had to write letters with magnets, trace letters, and so on. They also really care about getting the right grip on the pencil so that they can write nicely. Some of the children also brought their classroom work to the room because they were behind and it was writing work so it helped on their goals too. Something else I liked about the OT was that she gave the children minutes on the swing or with a certain toy and set the timer for a certain amount of time so they knew they were for sure done when it went off.
It is all about the visual-motor intergeneration in the public schools. I also learned that sitting on the edge of the chair will help with core strengthening and focuses their attention more on the task at hand. I had a child that was in in grade and could not write her letters like a 2nd grader should. She had to trace them to get them right otherwise it would look like a Kindergarden hand writing. She tried paper to paper and by that I mean look at one paper with the letters on it and then write the letters on another piece of paper and she couldn't do it as nicely as when she traced it.
The children did other simple things like finding beads in some putty or just play with plain putty for hand strengthening. Drawing shapes and letters and then cutting out shapes. They also bounced a ball back and forth because most of these children cannot even focus on a ball being throw at them. They don't have that connection between the brain and arms. I saw one child try and turn his head with the ball and not just his eyes. It was hard for him to move just his eyes. He did it but it was hard at first.
There is a lot more paperwork to be done with the public schools to keep your back safe and in check but being a teacher's kid, I accepted that. That is all the public schools are now it seems like. Even though, there are more evaluations to be done and more meeting to go to like IEP meetings, the paperwork that I saw today seemed easy and I understood it. The times frames are about the same you can keep a child from 30 mins to 60 mins. in a public school because of the school day and all that they would miss in the regular classroom. The OT can get 2 15 mins intervals done in a half a hour and that is how you would fill the time out on the paper.
I will agree and say that, after working with a brunch of preschoolers for the last 8 years, it would be nice to get that one on one with a child if possible especially in a public school where I first wanted to start out at. I just didn't know what I wanted to do in a public school but now I do and it is different but I'm still helping children. If you know me at all, I am a big fan of being able to read and write because to me that is how you get along in life so I would LOVE to help children with their fine motor skills more then anything.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Monday, March 30, 2015
Done Observing at My First Place
I really wish I could stay at the place that I observed for two days because I feel like I was just getting to know the workers and children there. I seemed to be more opened up and so did everyone else. I learned a lot by just what the teacher was telling me about certain things. The teachers were also talking back and forth about OT colleges so I can a lot of insight on that and none of it scared me. It will be fun to get to observe another place and compare the two for now and then 3 and then 4.
It was hard for the children to be back and do the things they were use to doing there at the school because they just got back from Spring Break. I saw a lot more crying and not listening then the first time I was there but that is normal for children after a long break away. It just shows you how important a routine is to some of these developmentally challenged children. I learned 3 new things that were really interesting to me today. OT is more complex then a person would think but yet it is just doing the simplest things or teaching the children to do the simplest things that gets me. It also does show a lack of the way people live now. No one is home to watch the children, no one feels like watching them so they just sit in front of the TV, and so forth. It is sad when you know some of the things the children are having problems with could easily have been fixed by being "pushed" to go run and play outside for a few hours a day. How can you miss that! Sorry that is how I was raised so I'm kind of bias on that part.
Anyways, back to the things I learned today. One of them was children do not know how to balance themselves. Some children will not get dizzy and needs to be taught that and some might get too dizzy that they need to learn how to calm themselves down. It has to do with their vestibular, visual, and auditory parts of their body and not knowing how to use them. There is a protocol that I learned today for this exact thing and it is called the "Astronaut Protocol". It is where you have a child sit and/or lay down on a flat piece of broad coved with material and just spin them one way first and then the other way next. When they get done with that, they should have their eyes spinning/moving a little bit like "normal" children do when they are dizzy. Dizzyiness is a good sign and I never thought of it that way and your eyes really do move after you stop spinning around and that is a sign that your body is healthy. This protocol was used on another Autistic child where he had no feeling of dizziness.
Then I learned about another protocol that is called the "Wilbarger Brushing Protocol" and that is a protocol used for sensory seeking children. There is a certain little oval shaped brush that you use just to brush the child on the arms, legs, back, anywhere they want you to and they calm down because it feels good on them. Then I learned something right after that and it is just some joint compressions so that children that aren't aware of their joints can get aware of them. It is just where you push the joints together so like the hand to the wrist joint or the ankle to the leg joint or the knee to the upper leg joint and wherever there is a joint you just push inwards on both of them so they come together. Both of these things were used on a child with Autism.
Then I got to see a child with OCD so that was neat to see and learn about. The OT would actually use a list for the child to look at. She would write out a list of things to do and when they were done she would cross it off and he could see what the next thing to do was. She did forget to put going back to class on the writing broad and the child kind of started a fight with her because it wasn't on the broad. He would walk up the stairs every time that before he made a basket. He would line the balls up before he started to shoot them in the basket. The Astronaut Protocol was used to calm this child down because he had so much energy. He would just try and lay there or stay in the position he was instead of moving right away.
It was also used by another child to get him to be dizzy for the right amount of time because he didn't get dizzy at all. I looked up these two protocols after I got home and they are real things that OTs use all the time. I tried to look for some more protocols but I haven't found anymore yet.
Another thing that I loved about today was that the OT used a big rubber ball for 2 children to work on their core strength. It is amazing how something that simple can help a child and yet we don't think about it at home but who would know, right? She would sing to or with them while they would be bouncing on the big ball and if they fell back on the ball, then they would have to try and get themselves upright again. It was like doing sit ups backwards on a big ball.
It was neat to see how OT is done in just a preschool setting that as a developmental center attached to it. Now I get to observe how it is done in a small public school starting tomorrow for the rest of this week so there will be more entries coming I'm sure because now we are getting into more of what I love to deal with. I could do with all day, every day even if it does involved cutting things open and searching for certain things in college classes. It just makes it that much more interesting.
It was hard for the children to be back and do the things they were use to doing there at the school because they just got back from Spring Break. I saw a lot more crying and not listening then the first time I was there but that is normal for children after a long break away. It just shows you how important a routine is to some of these developmentally challenged children. I learned 3 new things that were really interesting to me today. OT is more complex then a person would think but yet it is just doing the simplest things or teaching the children to do the simplest things that gets me. It also does show a lack of the way people live now. No one is home to watch the children, no one feels like watching them so they just sit in front of the TV, and so forth. It is sad when you know some of the things the children are having problems with could easily have been fixed by being "pushed" to go run and play outside for a few hours a day. How can you miss that! Sorry that is how I was raised so I'm kind of bias on that part.
Anyways, back to the things I learned today. One of them was children do not know how to balance themselves. Some children will not get dizzy and needs to be taught that and some might get too dizzy that they need to learn how to calm themselves down. It has to do with their vestibular, visual, and auditory parts of their body and not knowing how to use them. There is a protocol that I learned today for this exact thing and it is called the "Astronaut Protocol". It is where you have a child sit and/or lay down on a flat piece of broad coved with material and just spin them one way first and then the other way next. When they get done with that, they should have their eyes spinning/moving a little bit like "normal" children do when they are dizzy. Dizzyiness is a good sign and I never thought of it that way and your eyes really do move after you stop spinning around and that is a sign that your body is healthy. This protocol was used on another Autistic child where he had no feeling of dizziness.
Then I learned about another protocol that is called the "Wilbarger Brushing Protocol" and that is a protocol used for sensory seeking children. There is a certain little oval shaped brush that you use just to brush the child on the arms, legs, back, anywhere they want you to and they calm down because it feels good on them. Then I learned something right after that and it is just some joint compressions so that children that aren't aware of their joints can get aware of them. It is just where you push the joints together so like the hand to the wrist joint or the ankle to the leg joint or the knee to the upper leg joint and wherever there is a joint you just push inwards on both of them so they come together. Both of these things were used on a child with Autism.
Then I got to see a child with OCD so that was neat to see and learn about. The OT would actually use a list for the child to look at. She would write out a list of things to do and when they were done she would cross it off and he could see what the next thing to do was. She did forget to put going back to class on the writing broad and the child kind of started a fight with her because it wasn't on the broad. He would walk up the stairs every time that before he made a basket. He would line the balls up before he started to shoot them in the basket. The Astronaut Protocol was used to calm this child down because he had so much energy. He would just try and lay there or stay in the position he was instead of moving right away.
It was also used by another child to get him to be dizzy for the right amount of time because he didn't get dizzy at all. I looked up these two protocols after I got home and they are real things that OTs use all the time. I tried to look for some more protocols but I haven't found anymore yet.
Another thing that I loved about today was that the OT used a big rubber ball for 2 children to work on their core strength. It is amazing how something that simple can help a child and yet we don't think about it at home but who would know, right? She would sing to or with them while they would be bouncing on the big ball and if they fell back on the ball, then they would have to try and get themselves upright again. It was like doing sit ups backwards on a big ball.
It was neat to see how OT is done in just a preschool setting that as a developmental center attached to it. Now I get to observe how it is done in a small public school starting tomorrow for the rest of this week so there will be more entries coming I'm sure because now we are getting into more of what I love to deal with. I could do with all day, every day even if it does involved cutting things open and searching for certain things in college classes. It just makes it that much more interesting.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Spring Cleaning
I'll admit I never was much into the whole Spring Cleaning thing when I lived at home or even at college and I think it is because I didn't have that much and sadly then I didn't have to spend my own money on clothes. I also think it has a lot to do with I just didn't care. That was my mental state back then plus I didn't know how many people my age needed clothes and here I was hogging some in my closet. Yes, they are high school and college style clothes so I finally decided to update a little plus with my lifestyle right now I won't fit into them for very much longer.
It is actually pretty fun doing a little bit of Spring Cleaning. Yes, only the FACS majors would say that. :) I'm more then overjoyed to do it and give stuff away. I'm also repacking things that I'm storing into plastic, stackable boxes instead of cardboard boxes. Getting to see some old things that really do need to my thrown away but brings back memories at the same time. It is kind of sad but at the same time I think I'm more happy to do it. Strange feeling but these past 2 years I have been through and seen a lot more then people my age.
They are all over the place trying to stay in style and buying one thing after another without giving things away. I will admit I might go on a shopping spree after this to update my clothes but that is only a reward here on earth for me now. Why, when I haven't wore clothes in a year or two, keep them? There is no need for that. Not just clothes but things also. If I don't use them or play with them in two years why keep them in my little apartment when they can go somewhere else. I really feel good about it because I almost have the whole bottom rack of my closet empty which means a lot.
I used to hate to organize and decide what to get rid off and want to keep but for some reason it seems easier now, this year. Haven't wore it since in Arkansas then throw it out. I use to have my mom here to help me because I didn't have to think as hard but now I can do it on my own. I guess also I see the importance of how it makes me feel as a person and not just any person but a woman at that. I'm taking the responsibility to make the choices and then going along with them and being okay with that. If you know me at all, that is a big step for me in life. You start out taking the steps with the little things and then it will become bigger things.
Buying new clothes that are in style will hopefully, somewhat make me feel better about myself as a women. Yes, I know that is not the most important but that is just part of us woman no matter how we look at it. We want to look beautiful for God because then we have the confidence to do His Work for His Glory. I just feel like this is a turning point for me in someway. A turning point that I can remember and say that small thing changed my life. I have other reasons that I think are the reasons that I can do it now but I'm not going to go into those reasons.
It has been funny lately too because I have been cleaning and sorting out things for about 2 weeks but in those two weeks and during this month I have been a lot more opened to my friends. I will do and say what I want and feel okay with it afterwards. It is mostly encouraging, I hope but it is like I'm getting more confident with myself. Like I'm BREAKING FREE in strange ways. Right now, as I'm writing this, I have other thoughts that I need to try to do when the time is right. It is like God saying, "Here are some new ideas that you can try because they are easy and you don't have to do much with them. Just trust me after you do them even if you do still feel a little awkward afterwards."
All this I think, started with my job, where and when I started to stand up for those little children that can't stand up for themselves. I saw that I could do it there so why not the other parts of my life. When things just feel right, just do it. Having this confidence can lead me along ways, but I know that I still have to trust God and rely on His Love for me now and always. That will never stop. Once I'm FREE, I'm ALWAYS FREE. There is no going back to the devil's ways. The cleaning out of my closet is also like I'm getting rid of the past in a way because I haven't worn some clothes for so long.
Was I a hoarder? Was I just hoping that the past would come back a be different. Well, now I know and can trust God that the future is going to be way better for me then I could ever think of. It is a new Season of my life, just like Spring is starting and that means the flowers are blooming and the animals are having their offspring. It is just a whole life. There is no need to hold onto the past when I have an amazing future ahead of me. Right? See Spring cleaning or just any cleaning can be good for you at times. It can teach you things without you even knowing it. Something else that is strange is that I'm learning all of this and writing it out before Easter on Psalm Sunday. Do you that that is by chance or is God trying to tell me or you something about life?
It is actually pretty fun doing a little bit of Spring Cleaning. Yes, only the FACS majors would say that. :) I'm more then overjoyed to do it and give stuff away. I'm also repacking things that I'm storing into plastic, stackable boxes instead of cardboard boxes. Getting to see some old things that really do need to my thrown away but brings back memories at the same time. It is kind of sad but at the same time I think I'm more happy to do it. Strange feeling but these past 2 years I have been through and seen a lot more then people my age.
They are all over the place trying to stay in style and buying one thing after another without giving things away. I will admit I might go on a shopping spree after this to update my clothes but that is only a reward here on earth for me now. Why, when I haven't wore clothes in a year or two, keep them? There is no need for that. Not just clothes but things also. If I don't use them or play with them in two years why keep them in my little apartment when they can go somewhere else. I really feel good about it because I almost have the whole bottom rack of my closet empty which means a lot.
I used to hate to organize and decide what to get rid off and want to keep but for some reason it seems easier now, this year. Haven't wore it since in Arkansas then throw it out. I use to have my mom here to help me because I didn't have to think as hard but now I can do it on my own. I guess also I see the importance of how it makes me feel as a person and not just any person but a woman at that. I'm taking the responsibility to make the choices and then going along with them and being okay with that. If you know me at all, that is a big step for me in life. You start out taking the steps with the little things and then it will become bigger things.
Buying new clothes that are in style will hopefully, somewhat make me feel better about myself as a women. Yes, I know that is not the most important but that is just part of us woman no matter how we look at it. We want to look beautiful for God because then we have the confidence to do His Work for His Glory. I just feel like this is a turning point for me in someway. A turning point that I can remember and say that small thing changed my life. I have other reasons that I think are the reasons that I can do it now but I'm not going to go into those reasons.
It has been funny lately too because I have been cleaning and sorting out things for about 2 weeks but in those two weeks and during this month I have been a lot more opened to my friends. I will do and say what I want and feel okay with it afterwards. It is mostly encouraging, I hope but it is like I'm getting more confident with myself. Like I'm BREAKING FREE in strange ways. Right now, as I'm writing this, I have other thoughts that I need to try to do when the time is right. It is like God saying, "Here are some new ideas that you can try because they are easy and you don't have to do much with them. Just trust me after you do them even if you do still feel a little awkward afterwards."
All this I think, started with my job, where and when I started to stand up for those little children that can't stand up for themselves. I saw that I could do it there so why not the other parts of my life. When things just feel right, just do it. Having this confidence can lead me along ways, but I know that I still have to trust God and rely on His Love for me now and always. That will never stop. Once I'm FREE, I'm ALWAYS FREE. There is no going back to the devil's ways. The cleaning out of my closet is also like I'm getting rid of the past in a way because I haven't worn some clothes for so long.
Was I a hoarder? Was I just hoping that the past would come back a be different. Well, now I know and can trust God that the future is going to be way better for me then I could ever think of. It is a new Season of my life, just like Spring is starting and that means the flowers are blooming and the animals are having their offspring. It is just a whole life. There is no need to hold onto the past when I have an amazing future ahead of me. Right? See Spring cleaning or just any cleaning can be good for you at times. It can teach you things without you even knowing it. Something else that is strange is that I'm learning all of this and writing it out before Easter on Psalm Sunday. Do you that that is by chance or is God trying to tell me or you something about life?
Friday, March 27, 2015
It Just Feels Right
I think we use the phase "just feels right" too much as people. We take things for granted when we say that and we will don't know what feels right. I was thinking about this today after reading something a friend wrote and it just hits me. Why do some things feel just right but when are scared to go after them or they are so hard to get so we don't even try after the first try if at all? It is also strange how we know things are just right but yet we don't continue to go after them.
We could be standing on the thing that just feels right or talking to the person that feels just right. People and things that we love and just feel like gets us but yet we don't go any farther then we have to. We think trying once will work and if it doesn't then we won't try again. I will say and use my life as an example right now. I have a lot of plans for the future like going back to college and/or starting a family and those things just feel right but yet I'm so scared of doing them. I have a "perfect" guy friend and yet I don't talk to him like I feel I should.
It could also just be a piece of land and a house that when you step on it it just feels right. It feels like you can bring Glory to God on it and with it. I think the devil tries to stop us because he knows that it will if we get those things. Even the hard things, like my job right now, there are days I come home and cry but I can't give up just yet because that is what the devil wants me to do because I'm glorify God through it. He also doesn't give us the land or wants us to get mad about not getting what we want right away with college, family, or land because he thinks that we might blame God for not getting it and turn away from Him.
I've been fighting something for about 5 years now and I'll admit it does get tring after a bit but you know in the end it will be worth the wait. The more you have to fight for something, earthly or Heavenly, the more it means to you. There are times where I just want to talk to people about things that I'm going through because I know they would understand but yet I don't because I can't.
I never thought those 3 words together could mean such a big thing and for land or something else depending on the person and situation it might mean a lot. I know for me in my case it means the world right now. Things just feel right and I wish I could do more to let that person know and help out but I can't. When something "just feels right" in your heart, you have no way to doubt it. It might seem like it is going to take forever to get here and it might but what would happen if you would get that thing or person and then the feeling isn't there anymore. Like me, I could say, "it feels just right to try and talk to that person more as a friend" but what if it doesn't go farther would I be okay with that.
People might think I'm strange for saying this and I know it is nothing like it but to say it about a thing and maybe friends too. It is like you are saying that you love it and you were meant to be but you aren't get that close emotionally yet because you aren't sure about how things are going to work out. I hate how I have all these ideas and no one to use them on. I hate how God is giving me and teaching me these things but yet given me no one in my reach to tell them to.
I will admit to that sometimes, as humans, we just have to cry because it feels so right in our hearts but yet the other person as no idea how we are feeling. I did that last night while going to bed and honestly, it felt good. That is when these words hit me and I knew things were right but yet I can't do anything about them just yet. Sometimes I hate to wait. Patience is not one of my strong virtues and you can tell if you know me at all but I'm trying really hard in certain situations.
I know there is so much more I want to say about those 3 words but right now I can't think about anymore. I just know when you can say those three words about something or someone you shouldn't give up on trying or loving them. For me, feeling just right means a lot of things but most importantly the simple things in life. When the simple things feels right for me, then it is the right thing for me. When I can see God in control and working through the simple things, then those things are it. They are just right for me! It might be the simplest of things but if it brings Glory to God then it is worth it.
I hope I can get to a point in my life where I can say those 4 simple words. "It just feels right" and mean it. Sometimes too, I just thought of this, it could feel like you are missing a piece of the puzzle and when you find that piece, you can say that. Instead of saying "it fits just right", you could say, "it just feels right". Your heart and God knows what is best for you. He will lead you to the right thing and when He does you will know and feel it. One more thing that is important to remember, if it just feels right, it might not go by the world's standards but by God's. It might cause us to not be "rich" in worldly amounts but be "rich" in what God has given or will give us as long as we trust in Him.
We could be standing on the thing that just feels right or talking to the person that feels just right. People and things that we love and just feel like gets us but yet we don't go any farther then we have to. We think trying once will work and if it doesn't then we won't try again. I will say and use my life as an example right now. I have a lot of plans for the future like going back to college and/or starting a family and those things just feel right but yet I'm so scared of doing them. I have a "perfect" guy friend and yet I don't talk to him like I feel I should.
It could also just be a piece of land and a house that when you step on it it just feels right. It feels like you can bring Glory to God on it and with it. I think the devil tries to stop us because he knows that it will if we get those things. Even the hard things, like my job right now, there are days I come home and cry but I can't give up just yet because that is what the devil wants me to do because I'm glorify God through it. He also doesn't give us the land or wants us to get mad about not getting what we want right away with college, family, or land because he thinks that we might blame God for not getting it and turn away from Him.
I've been fighting something for about 5 years now and I'll admit it does get tring after a bit but you know in the end it will be worth the wait. The more you have to fight for something, earthly or Heavenly, the more it means to you. There are times where I just want to talk to people about things that I'm going through because I know they would understand but yet I don't because I can't.
I never thought those 3 words together could mean such a big thing and for land or something else depending on the person and situation it might mean a lot. I know for me in my case it means the world right now. Things just feel right and I wish I could do more to let that person know and help out but I can't. When something "just feels right" in your heart, you have no way to doubt it. It might seem like it is going to take forever to get here and it might but what would happen if you would get that thing or person and then the feeling isn't there anymore. Like me, I could say, "it feels just right to try and talk to that person more as a friend" but what if it doesn't go farther would I be okay with that.
People might think I'm strange for saying this and I know it is nothing like it but to say it about a thing and maybe friends too. It is like you are saying that you love it and you were meant to be but you aren't get that close emotionally yet because you aren't sure about how things are going to work out. I hate how I have all these ideas and no one to use them on. I hate how God is giving me and teaching me these things but yet given me no one in my reach to tell them to.
I will admit to that sometimes, as humans, we just have to cry because it feels so right in our hearts but yet the other person as no idea how we are feeling. I did that last night while going to bed and honestly, it felt good. That is when these words hit me and I knew things were right but yet I can't do anything about them just yet. Sometimes I hate to wait. Patience is not one of my strong virtues and you can tell if you know me at all but I'm trying really hard in certain situations.
I know there is so much more I want to say about those 3 words but right now I can't think about anymore. I just know when you can say those three words about something or someone you shouldn't give up on trying or loving them. For me, feeling just right means a lot of things but most importantly the simple things in life. When the simple things feels right for me, then it is the right thing for me. When I can see God in control and working through the simple things, then those things are it. They are just right for me! It might be the simplest of things but if it brings Glory to God then it is worth it.
I hope I can get to a point in my life where I can say those 4 simple words. "It just feels right" and mean it. Sometimes too, I just thought of this, it could feel like you are missing a piece of the puzzle and when you find that piece, you can say that. Instead of saying "it fits just right", you could say, "it just feels right". Your heart and God knows what is best for you. He will lead you to the right thing and when He does you will know and feel it. One more thing that is important to remember, if it just feels right, it might not go by the world's standards but by God's. It might cause us to not be "rich" in worldly amounts but be "rich" in what God has given or will give us as long as we trust in Him.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
My Anxiety About Things
People have told me not to write a lot about my anxiety on my blog but for some reason I feel like I need to share what has just happened to me. It is the strangest thing ever and I don't like it. I have just wanted to cry non stop during and about things. I use to cry at church when the message was touching and just anything that was touching I would start to cry. I was very emotional and to be honest I miss that part of me. I am on some meds. to control my anxiety but at the same time I feel like I lost part of me.
I cried tonight after I went to bed and read something from a friend of mine and I have no idea why but I finally let the fountain flow and it felt good. I guess a lot has been going on in my life too and things were just piling up and still are kind of. Thinking about who I need to be compared to who God made me to be and how to get there. Work has been hard and struggling not to tell a friend the truth about how I feel. There are some things that I can't help with which devastates me to death. All those things should make a person cry at some point.
I just sat on my knees at my beside and cried for about 5-10 mins. but I still want to cry more. As strange as it might be, I think crying is just a part of who I am. I don't think it has anything to do with anxiety and if it does I have grown up with it that it just seems like me and I miss it. Yes, I will admit I use to cry at a drop of a hat before I was on the meds and now I don't but I miss those long crying time. I would just cry anywhere and people would know that something is upsetting me and they would ask. It was like almost a conversation starter for me in a strange way. Now I just walk away or pretend everything is okay when really it isn't. It is hard and confusing.
I'm just that sensitive of a person. To be honest again, I have always used crying to get my way instead of talking. My family will agree to that but now that I'm grown up it is for a good cause even though I shouldn't be crying at my age. It is just who I am and I guess a small habit in a way. Another reason I like to cry is because that is a sense that God is really talking to me in a way and trying to get my attention. When not trying, I can't see God move or feel Him move but when I do cry things start to change and I start to open up to people.
I was crying over something a friend said tonight that really touched me and that I really want to do something for my friend. I know it touched me because I have cried for that long in a few months. Yet it also told me that I knew what my friend was going through because even though our situations are different I still understand in a way since I work for a big nonprofit. It also makes me see how I am with my life with God because it seems the more I cry the more I want Him to work in my life. Now more then ever too. With some things more then others.
I will be on my meds for a year in July but I don't know what to do. Yes, I get worked up easily both sad and mad when I'm off of the meds but like I said I miss getting sad and crying. The mad I don't miss at all. I need a way where I can fix one but not the other. I wonder if I seem like a blank sheet of paper to some people that have no idea who I am or can be because I know I probably show very little emotion and try to get away fast from gatherings. It is one of those things where I just need direction. I need something else to help me out and I'm trying to learning and get into a habit of God's Word and believing the good things about me but that is hard too.
I'm just at a very hard time in my life right now. Trying to figure things out and not getting what I think is right for me especially right away. Having to wait for certain things. Feeling like I'm stuck and everyone is moving on without me. I just want to be a pleasant person to be around and at the same time be able to share my personal stories and the stories about work but for some reason I can't seem to. I just a lonely duckling, yes I said duckling, out in this great big world that hasn't found her spot yet. A lonely duckling on meds because if she wasn't she probably couldn't make it through her 20s. Anxiety would get the best of her. Finding a spot could mean so many things too. That could be another whole entry and it might be if I keep feeling this way.
I'm fighting every step of the way and even though it gets tiring I'm still trying to fight it. Learning a lot about how to handle things with God instead of the meds and making new habits so I can get off of them, hopefully, later in life. I will find my spot in this world someday. I just wish, sometimes, it would just fall in my lap or at least be easy most of the time but then what would be the point of trusting God if that was the case. Anyways, this might sound like I'm complaining and I am showing a lot of myself but I just feel like people need to know because we all aren't perfect. We have our own flaws. We are all broken.
I cried tonight after I went to bed and read something from a friend of mine and I have no idea why but I finally let the fountain flow and it felt good. I guess a lot has been going on in my life too and things were just piling up and still are kind of. Thinking about who I need to be compared to who God made me to be and how to get there. Work has been hard and struggling not to tell a friend the truth about how I feel. There are some things that I can't help with which devastates me to death. All those things should make a person cry at some point.
I just sat on my knees at my beside and cried for about 5-10 mins. but I still want to cry more. As strange as it might be, I think crying is just a part of who I am. I don't think it has anything to do with anxiety and if it does I have grown up with it that it just seems like me and I miss it. Yes, I will admit I use to cry at a drop of a hat before I was on the meds and now I don't but I miss those long crying time. I would just cry anywhere and people would know that something is upsetting me and they would ask. It was like almost a conversation starter for me in a strange way. Now I just walk away or pretend everything is okay when really it isn't. It is hard and confusing.
I'm just that sensitive of a person. To be honest again, I have always used crying to get my way instead of talking. My family will agree to that but now that I'm grown up it is for a good cause even though I shouldn't be crying at my age. It is just who I am and I guess a small habit in a way. Another reason I like to cry is because that is a sense that God is really talking to me in a way and trying to get my attention. When not trying, I can't see God move or feel Him move but when I do cry things start to change and I start to open up to people.
I was crying over something a friend said tonight that really touched me and that I really want to do something for my friend. I know it touched me because I have cried for that long in a few months. Yet it also told me that I knew what my friend was going through because even though our situations are different I still understand in a way since I work for a big nonprofit. It also makes me see how I am with my life with God because it seems the more I cry the more I want Him to work in my life. Now more then ever too. With some things more then others.
I will be on my meds for a year in July but I don't know what to do. Yes, I get worked up easily both sad and mad when I'm off of the meds but like I said I miss getting sad and crying. The mad I don't miss at all. I need a way where I can fix one but not the other. I wonder if I seem like a blank sheet of paper to some people that have no idea who I am or can be because I know I probably show very little emotion and try to get away fast from gatherings. It is one of those things where I just need direction. I need something else to help me out and I'm trying to learning and get into a habit of God's Word and believing the good things about me but that is hard too.
I'm just at a very hard time in my life right now. Trying to figure things out and not getting what I think is right for me especially right away. Having to wait for certain things. Feeling like I'm stuck and everyone is moving on without me. I just want to be a pleasant person to be around and at the same time be able to share my personal stories and the stories about work but for some reason I can't seem to. I just a lonely duckling, yes I said duckling, out in this great big world that hasn't found her spot yet. A lonely duckling on meds because if she wasn't she probably couldn't make it through her 20s. Anxiety would get the best of her. Finding a spot could mean so many things too. That could be another whole entry and it might be if I keep feeling this way.
I'm fighting every step of the way and even though it gets tiring I'm still trying to fight it. Learning a lot about how to handle things with God instead of the meds and making new habits so I can get off of them, hopefully, later in life. I will find my spot in this world someday. I just wish, sometimes, it would just fall in my lap or at least be easy most of the time but then what would be the point of trusting God if that was the case. Anyways, this might sound like I'm complaining and I am showing a lot of myself but I just feel like people need to know because we all aren't perfect. We have our own flaws. We are all broken.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Love is the Answer
I know I keep going back and forth on my future life but I'm in my 20s. Isn't that what I'm suppose to do. Being an OT someday would be great but for now I like where I am and I have other dreams I want to pray about and get accomplished. I have my undergrad degree and for now that should be enough especially for what I want to do in the future. Oddly, I needed a degree for that. Not really but it is something I like to do so I got a degree in it.
I know I can make more money with a Master's especially in OT or any high thing having to do with children but that is not why I picked children as my focus. I picked them because I love working with them and helping them in anyway that I can. Today at work really helped me see that if I have my eyes open to the children around me I can help them or at least try to help them in some way whether writing things down or sharing things with other staff. I love talking it through with other staff especially staff that know something about what is going on because then maybe they can teach me and you know I love to learn.
What I love about my job is learning about the children and then learning how to help them if I can. It stinks though when you just get them and then they have to leave but then again you know for the next child that comes alone with the same signs. There are so many children that come into my work that it is amazing to see all the different kinds. Some of them are really sad but then it is a blessing to see how 3 months can make all the difference for them in a stable home-like environment. Some children it is hard to see sometimes if they are just being bad or really has something wrong with them. I know I have thought "oh, this child is just spoiled" when really there was more to it then just being spoiled.
It is hard to tell most of the time what a children needs but as humans we all know that everyone needs love and that will fix everything no matter the problem. At my work, you really see Love at work and for me it's not my love because doing it day after day I would and have ran out of my love for the children but it is always God's Love that is poured on them day after day. I have so many stories of children I have seen being healed just because of that Love and praying that they will stay like that and/or get even better.
Love is a big part of my job and I only might get to see little blessing out of loving not them for 3 months but any part is so worth it if I can see change even if I can't I know it is working. I'm a big person when it comes loving through my actions and I hope I do that with this children. I hope that with my smile, kisses, hugs, patience, and so much more that they can see that I love them dearly because I do. In a way, I guess I do show some love through other ways then actions. I guessing hugging and smiling is more physical, right? Patience is an action.
For me, my job description is 1 Cor. 13, the Love Chapter. I have it at work in my plastic draw. What better way to live life then to keep giving the Love of the Lord out to people whether family or "random" (I use that word loosely) children. Deep Love is what is important in life and if you can't give that to anyone then you are lost in life. I might not have a legacy to pass on yet but I know that I'm passing something on to these children and that is the Love of God. Love is truly the answer to everything and when that doesn't work then something is really wrong.
I know I can make more money with a Master's especially in OT or any high thing having to do with children but that is not why I picked children as my focus. I picked them because I love working with them and helping them in anyway that I can. Today at work really helped me see that if I have my eyes open to the children around me I can help them or at least try to help them in some way whether writing things down or sharing things with other staff. I love talking it through with other staff especially staff that know something about what is going on because then maybe they can teach me and you know I love to learn.
What I love about my job is learning about the children and then learning how to help them if I can. It stinks though when you just get them and then they have to leave but then again you know for the next child that comes alone with the same signs. There are so many children that come into my work that it is amazing to see all the different kinds. Some of them are really sad but then it is a blessing to see how 3 months can make all the difference for them in a stable home-like environment. Some children it is hard to see sometimes if they are just being bad or really has something wrong with them. I know I have thought "oh, this child is just spoiled" when really there was more to it then just being spoiled.
It is hard to tell most of the time what a children needs but as humans we all know that everyone needs love and that will fix everything no matter the problem. At my work, you really see Love at work and for me it's not my love because doing it day after day I would and have ran out of my love for the children but it is always God's Love that is poured on them day after day. I have so many stories of children I have seen being healed just because of that Love and praying that they will stay like that and/or get even better.
Love is a big part of my job and I only might get to see little blessing out of loving not them for 3 months but any part is so worth it if I can see change even if I can't I know it is working. I'm a big person when it comes loving through my actions and I hope I do that with this children. I hope that with my smile, kisses, hugs, patience, and so much more that they can see that I love them dearly because I do. In a way, I guess I do show some love through other ways then actions. I guessing hugging and smiling is more physical, right? Patience is an action.
For me, my job description is 1 Cor. 13, the Love Chapter. I have it at work in my plastic draw. What better way to live life then to keep giving the Love of the Lord out to people whether family or "random" (I use that word loosely) children. Deep Love is what is important in life and if you can't give that to anyone then you are lost in life. I might not have a legacy to pass on yet but I know that I'm passing something on to these children and that is the Love of God. Love is truly the answer to everything and when that doesn't work then something is really wrong.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Balance=Happiness
Balance? What's that? Happiness? What's that? Is that when clothes and things are all over your little apartment? Is it when you are eating pre made meals for supper? Is it coming home every night stressing about things that happened at work? Is it not seeing and talking to your friends as much as you should? Is it when you are in your 20s and you have no idea what to do in life? Is it when you are exploring the possibilities that life has for you? Is it when you want a husband and your own family in your life? Where and when do we find that balance=happiness?
Yes, these are some of examples of how I feel about my life right now and what I need to find in it besides all these things. I'll admit I don't have any balance in my life yet. I graduated from college 4 years ago and still haven't found balance and happiness in my "adult" life. I'm still searching. Don't get me wrong I love where I am at now but I know there is more to life. There is a time where having your own family means everything. There is a time where having someone to go along with you in life feels great. There is a time where you just want more but yet you don't know how to get it and/or it seems it will take forever. Yet there is a time also where you just feel stuck when everyone else is moving on and leaving you behind.
I can't go into details just because of safety for people and friends but I've thought a lot about where I want to be in the next 15 years and it is not by myself working hard and no one besides me in a small apartment. I want to have a job that will pay a decent amount and that I can sort of make my own schedule with. I want to have a husband and children and to be living out in the country in a nice house that I can decorate. I want someone by my side that I can keep encouraging and it wouldn't be strange or awkward.
Recently, I have really been thinking about going back to grad school and getting a master's so I can get a better job. I have also been thinking about what will make me happy. How will I get there and so on? I did something for a friend, out of the blue, and I don't know how it made the friend feel but it made feel happy. Happier then I have felt in a couple of years. Knowing that I did something for someone on a special day even though I have no idea what thoughts were going through my friend's mind at the time. I encouraged and I miss doing that but when is there time in my busy schedule now. I feel like all I do is work and come home and go straight to sleep because I'm sleepy and emotionally drained.
I know I wouldn't want a husband like that if it can be helped so why be that way and think I could find a husband while like that. I want to spend time with my husband and family without being so sleepy when I get home. I want to be able to make a decent meal and put the children to bed. This might be crazy talk to some of you and some of you might not believe that I'm thinking about all these things already but I am 27. I know you are "suppose" to explore life in your 20s but I only have two more years left like that and then what.
I want to find the balance so I can add more to my life. I want to make room for more in my life but right now I don't feel like there is any room anywhere and I don't like that. I feel like I'm letting people down because who wants to be around a stressed out person all day everyday. I wouldn't want to be. Happiness is not everything, I know, but it is a big part of life. Isn't it? If you are not happy, then you can't focus on the things God wants you to focus on. You can't make a difference if you're not happy. People like happy people not stressed out ones.
With certain people in my life right now, I feel like maybe God is giving me a second chance at those friendships since I have explored a lot more in the past four years and I know more of what I really want now. Strange how Bentonville, AR can be a place of exploration yet you know there are people near by that you can always go back to when you know nothing else works out. It is strange how people can be so close in distance yet so far away in their thinking.
In a way, God has a purpose for everything that happens in life and I think His purpose for a friend of mine passing away this past November was to see what life was really about and who I really was. I'm not some city girl that loves to work non-stop. I'm a country girl that loves to spend time with family and wants a family of her own someday if Lord willing. I'm a girl that loves the outdoors and will do anything outdoors as long as I do it with the people that I care most about in life. In a way, I think God's purpose was for me to find what made me really happy and go after it while find balance in everything and that is what I'm working on. It is hard but it will be so worth it in the end.
Yes, these are some of examples of how I feel about my life right now and what I need to find in it besides all these things. I'll admit I don't have any balance in my life yet. I graduated from college 4 years ago and still haven't found balance and happiness in my "adult" life. I'm still searching. Don't get me wrong I love where I am at now but I know there is more to life. There is a time where having your own family means everything. There is a time where having someone to go along with you in life feels great. There is a time where you just want more but yet you don't know how to get it and/or it seems it will take forever. Yet there is a time also where you just feel stuck when everyone else is moving on and leaving you behind.
I can't go into details just because of safety for people and friends but I've thought a lot about where I want to be in the next 15 years and it is not by myself working hard and no one besides me in a small apartment. I want to have a job that will pay a decent amount and that I can sort of make my own schedule with. I want to have a husband and children and to be living out in the country in a nice house that I can decorate. I want someone by my side that I can keep encouraging and it wouldn't be strange or awkward.
Recently, I have really been thinking about going back to grad school and getting a master's so I can get a better job. I have also been thinking about what will make me happy. How will I get there and so on? I did something for a friend, out of the blue, and I don't know how it made the friend feel but it made feel happy. Happier then I have felt in a couple of years. Knowing that I did something for someone on a special day even though I have no idea what thoughts were going through my friend's mind at the time. I encouraged and I miss doing that but when is there time in my busy schedule now. I feel like all I do is work and come home and go straight to sleep because I'm sleepy and emotionally drained.
I know I wouldn't want a husband like that if it can be helped so why be that way and think I could find a husband while like that. I want to spend time with my husband and family without being so sleepy when I get home. I want to be able to make a decent meal and put the children to bed. This might be crazy talk to some of you and some of you might not believe that I'm thinking about all these things already but I am 27. I know you are "suppose" to explore life in your 20s but I only have two more years left like that and then what.
I want to find the balance so I can add more to my life. I want to make room for more in my life but right now I don't feel like there is any room anywhere and I don't like that. I feel like I'm letting people down because who wants to be around a stressed out person all day everyday. I wouldn't want to be. Happiness is not everything, I know, but it is a big part of life. Isn't it? If you are not happy, then you can't focus on the things God wants you to focus on. You can't make a difference if you're not happy. People like happy people not stressed out ones.
With certain people in my life right now, I feel like maybe God is giving me a second chance at those friendships since I have explored a lot more in the past four years and I know more of what I really want now. Strange how Bentonville, AR can be a place of exploration yet you know there are people near by that you can always go back to when you know nothing else works out. It is strange how people can be so close in distance yet so far away in their thinking.
In a way, God has a purpose for everything that happens in life and I think His purpose for a friend of mine passing away this past November was to see what life was really about and who I really was. I'm not some city girl that loves to work non-stop. I'm a country girl that loves to spend time with family and wants a family of her own someday if Lord willing. I'm a girl that loves the outdoors and will do anything outdoors as long as I do it with the people that I care most about in life. In a way, I think God's purpose was for me to find what made me really happy and go after it while find balance in everything and that is what I'm working on. It is hard but it will be so worth it in the end.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Education is Me
"Who am I" is a question that I have been asking myself a lot lately. I really feel like I don't fit in anything. I'm not the business type or the married type. I'm not the missionary type or the outgoing type. Something happened today that made me realize, kind of more of, who I am. I have been praying for God to show me that in ways and I think today was one of His ways. I had a lot of people at work comment me on the education part of me. How I love to educate the children and make sure they get that education. It was very because there was 5 people there and all of them said something about education. I even told me that the children talked and showed my projects to them every night.
After that happened, I got to thinking maybe they do need me here for the education part. Maybe I can start really looking something up for the type of children I work with. If there isn't anything out there, maybe I can write something up and/or go to grad school and get a Master's in education and curriculum? Here I go thinking about another thing, you might be thinking of me, but it is true. I love to write, learn, and I am very detailed down to the very point of what I'm talking about. I love children or young people up til 5th grade. I love to observe the children and see what they really need.
I started to look on the web to see if I can find anything that I might suggested to some people and there are some things out there if you look. A few things but they are still things we can look into and maybe try. It might be for the homeless other then the abused but it might work or we could change it up a little for it to work for us.
Then I got started thinking, "how neat would it be to start my own curriculum for abused/homeless preschoolers and children?". Why didn't I see this all before? I do love education and when it comes down to it, I can be creative if needed. I also love to be organized and plan things out. If I wasn't able to do that, then I have no idea where I would be or what I would be like. Those are some of the things that I just enjoy doing and am good at. Now it might sound boring to some of you but when you get to be creative with it like start something of your own, it could be fun. You never know what you could make up.
My background has a lot to do with education like I say all the time "I grew up in an educational family". My parents were involved in schools and now my siblings are somehow involved in schools or with children at least. Education is a HUGE part of me especially for the preschool and younger ages because having all those classes in college helped me to understand that 5 and under are the most important years of learning. If there is one thing that I remember my college teachers stressing that fact was it.
I was also taught some before my Kindertgarden year at home. I was taught how to write my letters and my name. I was taught how to color and the "use to be" basics before starting school. I was taught how to cut and glue and some of the children I work with have no idea how to do any of that and they are 5 years old. If no one teaches them, then they are going to get behind developmentally and we don't want that at all. They will never get caught up if they are taught things in their early years.
Education is me and I should probably do something with that for the rest of my life. Now the question is "What?" and "How?" because there are a lot of ways and things you could be teaching. I could still be doing OT and be teaching them how to get through daily life or teach them the school basics and help them get through life that way. It just depends. Do I want to be involved with their mental and emotional state of being or their physical state of being?
After that happened, I got to thinking maybe they do need me here for the education part. Maybe I can start really looking something up for the type of children I work with. If there isn't anything out there, maybe I can write something up and/or go to grad school and get a Master's in education and curriculum? Here I go thinking about another thing, you might be thinking of me, but it is true. I love to write, learn, and I am very detailed down to the very point of what I'm talking about. I love children or young people up til 5th grade. I love to observe the children and see what they really need.
I started to look on the web to see if I can find anything that I might suggested to some people and there are some things out there if you look. A few things but they are still things we can look into and maybe try. It might be for the homeless other then the abused but it might work or we could change it up a little for it to work for us.
Then I got started thinking, "how neat would it be to start my own curriculum for abused/homeless preschoolers and children?". Why didn't I see this all before? I do love education and when it comes down to it, I can be creative if needed. I also love to be organized and plan things out. If I wasn't able to do that, then I have no idea where I would be or what I would be like. Those are some of the things that I just enjoy doing and am good at. Now it might sound boring to some of you but when you get to be creative with it like start something of your own, it could be fun. You never know what you could make up.
My background has a lot to do with education like I say all the time "I grew up in an educational family". My parents were involved in schools and now my siblings are somehow involved in schools or with children at least. Education is a HUGE part of me especially for the preschool and younger ages because having all those classes in college helped me to understand that 5 and under are the most important years of learning. If there is one thing that I remember my college teachers stressing that fact was it.
I was also taught some before my Kindertgarden year at home. I was taught how to write my letters and my name. I was taught how to color and the "use to be" basics before starting school. I was taught how to cut and glue and some of the children I work with have no idea how to do any of that and they are 5 years old. If no one teaches them, then they are going to get behind developmentally and we don't want that at all. They will never get caught up if they are taught things in their early years.
Education is me and I should probably do something with that for the rest of my life. Now the question is "What?" and "How?" because there are a lot of ways and things you could be teaching. I could still be doing OT and be teaching them how to get through daily life or teach them the school basics and help them get through life that way. It just depends. Do I want to be involved with their mental and emotional state of being or their physical state of being?
Monday, March 16, 2015
Uncomfortable
"It is a hard decision b/c you have to really pray and figure out if this is something you want or God wants. That is the hardest part of this whole thing is putting your thoughts and feelings aside and only hearing God. I think if you are able to do that every thing else will answer itself. God is always growing us and changing us, and it is good not to be comfortable, because if you are comfortable you are not open to the change that God could be making in you. God can put you at peace, while at the same time change the path just slightly that He wants you to walk down."
As I am sitting here, drinking a glass of water, and wishing I could go to bed because it is late, other things are on my mind. Thanks to all the Bible studying I have been doing these past week to this week. I have been reading verses about giving problems over to God and He will answer them and don't fight the problems just give them over because it turns out better that way. I have also been studying the Potter and the Clay, The Garden of Gatheseme, and Soul Care. Again, all those have to do with turning your problems and worries over to God because He knows what He is doing.
As I sat though the Soul Care study tonight, I remembered and looked for a little letter I had from a friend back in college. You ever had those moments where you see a old friend one week and then the week after some idea comes to you that came from that friend? Well, that is what happened to me tonight as we (women) were talking about our souls and how to care for them. Whether my friend knew it or not, 7 years back, the letter makes sense now that I read it from the soul perspective.
The quote above is from a letter that a friend sent me 7 years ago in college when I was making what I thought was a hard decision. Now that I look back on my life and the letter that was a hard one at all. I have gone back to the letter multiple of times through all the hard times since then. The part that always gets me is:
"God is always growing and changing us, and it is good not to be comfortable, because if we are comfortable then we aren't open to the change God is making in us."
As I think about my soul, with this part of the quote, I think it is telling me that when I'm in a uncomfortable place that I need to move on because my Spirit is telling me that I need more of God and I can't get it where I am. I need more of a challenge. God is trying to change me but yet there is no room for growth where I am now.
As we were talking about our feelings and thoughts tonight and how those things don't help the soul, I got to understand the part where it says:
"That is the hardest part of this whole thing is putting your feelings and thoughts aside and only hearing God".
Our Willpower and mind gives us so many feelings and thoughts at the same time that we are so overwhelmed by them. We can't trust them because they are so many. We have to be still in the Lord and listen to Him. We have to let Him speak to our soul.
Then the part about really praying and figuring out if it is something you want or God wants. Praying for guidance, wisdom, and for His Will to be done. That is what we should be doing in the first place is talking to God about out problems and giving them to Him. We shouldn't be going anywhere else to look for help but to Him. Although, talking to some trusted others would help some but we can't count of them.
"I hope God put the answers on you heart........all in His timing of course. You'll be in my prayers."
Then it is the last part that gets me the most. Knowing that a friend cares enough to pray with and for me about the decision making. Being there for me, when really we didn't hang that much or talk that much but that friend was still there and pretty sure is still there today in some ways. All this to say that when you feel uncomfortable it might be a sign from God that you need to change something or at least that is how I go about it for me and usually it has been right. I felt great and at peace after I made the change.
As I am sitting here, drinking a glass of water, and wishing I could go to bed because it is late, other things are on my mind. Thanks to all the Bible studying I have been doing these past week to this week. I have been reading verses about giving problems over to God and He will answer them and don't fight the problems just give them over because it turns out better that way. I have also been studying the Potter and the Clay, The Garden of Gatheseme, and Soul Care. Again, all those have to do with turning your problems and worries over to God because He knows what He is doing.
As I sat though the Soul Care study tonight, I remembered and looked for a little letter I had from a friend back in college. You ever had those moments where you see a old friend one week and then the week after some idea comes to you that came from that friend? Well, that is what happened to me tonight as we (women) were talking about our souls and how to care for them. Whether my friend knew it or not, 7 years back, the letter makes sense now that I read it from the soul perspective.
The quote above is from a letter that a friend sent me 7 years ago in college when I was making what I thought was a hard decision. Now that I look back on my life and the letter that was a hard one at all. I have gone back to the letter multiple of times through all the hard times since then. The part that always gets me is:
"God is always growing and changing us, and it is good not to be comfortable, because if we are comfortable then we aren't open to the change God is making in us."
As I think about my soul, with this part of the quote, I think it is telling me that when I'm in a uncomfortable place that I need to move on because my Spirit is telling me that I need more of God and I can't get it where I am. I need more of a challenge. God is trying to change me but yet there is no room for growth where I am now.
As we were talking about our feelings and thoughts tonight and how those things don't help the soul, I got to understand the part where it says:
"That is the hardest part of this whole thing is putting your feelings and thoughts aside and only hearing God".
Our Willpower and mind gives us so many feelings and thoughts at the same time that we are so overwhelmed by them. We can't trust them because they are so many. We have to be still in the Lord and listen to Him. We have to let Him speak to our soul.
Then the part about really praying and figuring out if it is something you want or God wants. Praying for guidance, wisdom, and for His Will to be done. That is what we should be doing in the first place is talking to God about out problems and giving them to Him. We shouldn't be going anywhere else to look for help but to Him. Although, talking to some trusted others would help some but we can't count of them.
"I hope God put the answers on you heart........all in His timing of course. You'll be in my prayers."
Then it is the last part that gets me the most. Knowing that a friend cares enough to pray with and for me about the decision making. Being there for me, when really we didn't hang that much or talk that much but that friend was still there and pretty sure is still there today in some ways. All this to say that when you feel uncomfortable it might be a sign from God that you need to change something or at least that is how I go about it for me and usually it has been right. I felt great and at peace after I made the change.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Garden of my Heart
God is really working on me lately and it hit me tonight at church. I've spent the last two weeks study who I was meant to be to God in my Bible Study. I am His Bride, His Beautiful One, His Beloved One and so on. Learning that I am all of those things to Him, I have to let go of what I was holding on to all these years that I didn't even knew existed. I have to kneel down in my Garden and pray that His Will be done in my life.
My garden is not beautiful yet. Since it is just being to be Spring and rain more then snow, it is just getting what it needs. My garden got planted and there are still seeds to plant but some seeds are growing right now. I saw all the weeds that were in my garden and the darkness that shined over it for a lot of years. Nothing could grow there but weeds because weeds grow everywhere no matter the soil type. Only flowers grow when the soil is wet, strong, and well fed.
In my dark garden, the weeds of Betrayal, abandonment, Injustice, condemnation, and abuse was growing without me even thinking that I was going through those things. As I look at my past now, I at least had every one of those things sometime or another in my life. I mean come on I'm from a small country school with 30 students in my class. I was betrayed by a friend my senior year. Then I was abandon by everyone when I moved away to college. I've had a lot of times where I thought things weren't fair in my life. A lot of times where I was abused whether feelings or mental wise.
I just remember people being all around me and not one good encouragement or word surrounded me until college. Then it was hard to let people in and honestly I was scared to go to a straight Christian college. It was so different but the people there were so helpful and nice. I learned so much there. There I think is when my flower garden started to grow and got sunlight to shine on it. That was good for about 5 years and then I moved to AR and those weeds started growing up again and the flowers were dieing. I had to start over with friends, church home, and a real job. It was okay and I got through it but it was 2 years ago that changed my life.
I even have had friends that I felt like betrayed me here in AR but I know how to handle that in a better way and yes, I made most of the mistakes in those friendships. I lost my first job in AR for what I thought was injustice and spent a month looking for a new one and I'm still there today. I love it because you see children with their own weeds of those 5 things and you just want to help them. You forget about your life and focus on them. I thought I was fine with the job that I love so much and thought that it was good but then I started something personal in my life back last July and it has helped me a lot. I feel a lot more free since I did it.
I can think better know and see where God is leading me. I'm not always sad like I use to be and I don't care what people think of me. I understand and am understanding myself a lot better. I want more because I know I can do better then I am right now. I'm not fully at my flower garden yet. When I get there, though, I will be able to be honest with myself and people, trust in God with everything, know my God-given intention and identity. I will grow into beautiful flowers whether it be roses, daises, sunflowers, lilacs, tulips, and so on.
What comforts me, though, through all of this is knowing Jesus had his own garden that He was in before the cross for us. He went through all of those 5 things but yet out of those 5 things He trusted, was honest, knew his intention and identity in God, His Father. He knew the Plan His Father had for Him so He was confidence that He was doing the right thing. I know I'm not alone when I feel the weeds growing back up and the sun starting to fade away from my garden. I just have to get back on the path God has for me and He will make my garden beautiful again.
God can also make a new garden altogether out of the old one. He might turn or change your plans totally around to match His. I know He has done that for me in so many ways like moving me here to AR, the city of Wal-Mart and taking me away from the official education field when I wanted to be a teacher, and putting me somewhere where I never thought I would be plus maybe going back to grad school which I never thought I could do. I also thought I would be at least married by now or wanted to be but I'm not there yet either. I'm glad and a lot happier with God's Plan because I'm learning a lot about myself and about Him to where it will make things easier then if they have happened like I wanted them too.
Just give God the shovel and let Him dig it. Like my FFA quote was during my first and second year of high school, "Life's a garden, dig it" but might I add "Life's a garden, let God dig it".
My garden is not beautiful yet. Since it is just being to be Spring and rain more then snow, it is just getting what it needs. My garden got planted and there are still seeds to plant but some seeds are growing right now. I saw all the weeds that were in my garden and the darkness that shined over it for a lot of years. Nothing could grow there but weeds because weeds grow everywhere no matter the soil type. Only flowers grow when the soil is wet, strong, and well fed.
In my dark garden, the weeds of Betrayal, abandonment, Injustice, condemnation, and abuse was growing without me even thinking that I was going through those things. As I look at my past now, I at least had every one of those things sometime or another in my life. I mean come on I'm from a small country school with 30 students in my class. I was betrayed by a friend my senior year. Then I was abandon by everyone when I moved away to college. I've had a lot of times where I thought things weren't fair in my life. A lot of times where I was abused whether feelings or mental wise.
I just remember people being all around me and not one good encouragement or word surrounded me until college. Then it was hard to let people in and honestly I was scared to go to a straight Christian college. It was so different but the people there were so helpful and nice. I learned so much there. There I think is when my flower garden started to grow and got sunlight to shine on it. That was good for about 5 years and then I moved to AR and those weeds started growing up again and the flowers were dieing. I had to start over with friends, church home, and a real job. It was okay and I got through it but it was 2 years ago that changed my life.
I even have had friends that I felt like betrayed me here in AR but I know how to handle that in a better way and yes, I made most of the mistakes in those friendships. I lost my first job in AR for what I thought was injustice and spent a month looking for a new one and I'm still there today. I love it because you see children with their own weeds of those 5 things and you just want to help them. You forget about your life and focus on them. I thought I was fine with the job that I love so much and thought that it was good but then I started something personal in my life back last July and it has helped me a lot. I feel a lot more free since I did it.
I can think better know and see where God is leading me. I'm not always sad like I use to be and I don't care what people think of me. I understand and am understanding myself a lot better. I want more because I know I can do better then I am right now. I'm not fully at my flower garden yet. When I get there, though, I will be able to be honest with myself and people, trust in God with everything, know my God-given intention and identity. I will grow into beautiful flowers whether it be roses, daises, sunflowers, lilacs, tulips, and so on.
What comforts me, though, through all of this is knowing Jesus had his own garden that He was in before the cross for us. He went through all of those 5 things but yet out of those 5 things He trusted, was honest, knew his intention and identity in God, His Father. He knew the Plan His Father had for Him so He was confidence that He was doing the right thing. I know I'm not alone when I feel the weeds growing back up and the sun starting to fade away from my garden. I just have to get back on the path God has for me and He will make my garden beautiful again.
God can also make a new garden altogether out of the old one. He might turn or change your plans totally around to match His. I know He has done that for me in so many ways like moving me here to AR, the city of Wal-Mart and taking me away from the official education field when I wanted to be a teacher, and putting me somewhere where I never thought I would be plus maybe going back to grad school which I never thought I could do. I also thought I would be at least married by now or wanted to be but I'm not there yet either. I'm glad and a lot happier with God's Plan because I'm learning a lot about myself and about Him to where it will make things easier then if they have happened like I wanted them too.
Just give God the shovel and let Him dig it. Like my FFA quote was during my first and second year of high school, "Life's a garden, dig it" but might I add "Life's a garden, let God dig it".
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
God is Enough
Yesterday morning I got up thinking no matter if I'm alone for life or have someone always beside me "God is enough". I was just thinking about what I am doing and what I want to do in life and how hard it would be for someone to stay with me through everything. I even have some hard times staying with the friends that I should stay with and doing things for them. Then today I did something special for a friend and it felt good for me at least. I hoped it felt good for my friend and not strange but I know it felt good for me.
It is strange because I have been reading my Bible a lot more this week and learning that God will answer me when I cry out to Him and give me blessings beyond belief. Today, after work, I felt that in a way that I never have before. Usually as selfish as I am, I do things to please other people and hope they pay me back in someway. Well, today I don't need any pay back. I'm happy with what I got.
The things that I got was a smile, more confidence that I can do things, and just the joy of doing that special thing for a friend on a special day. It is strange that when God is really enough how simple, little things can mean the world to you without pay back. How you can see the great small things you get back without any big thing hooked on. Usually when I do something that I'm not sure of, I'm really shaky afterwards but today I wasn't. I was for sure I was suppose to do what I did because it was a last minute thing for me and I had confidence in it and actually did it and it seemed easy.
It might of not turned out how I wanted it to because I wanted everything to be homemade and pretty. Hence the FACS major in me, but it wasn't. It was just some cupcakes that I brought from Wal-Mart and put words in black gel on them in the car. Yes, I did say in the car because it was on the way home from work. They didn't look too great and pretty but my friend got to share them where my friend worked and celebrate a "surprise" party that the friend didn't have to plan at all.
If you know me, you know I like most things planned out because it makes things easier and it's not so stressful but I'm learning something. When God is enough in life, things can just happen out of the blue and those things can be the best things that happen in life to you. The cupcakes might not have been the best looking or the best tasting but it is the thought, and always is the thought, that were behind those cupcakes that counted. I think, in a way, my friend knew what I was trying to do. I was trying to make a special day, extra special. My friend wasn't going to get away without a party and I think my friend knew that in a way.
I think my friend also learned something about me, "Don't ever doubt what I will or won't do because it just might happen." It happened because I knew whatever happened "God is enough" for me in my life. I don't need to make my friend or anyone else happy. I just need to follow God and obey Him and I felt like I did with all that I did today.
It is strange because I have been reading my Bible a lot more this week and learning that God will answer me when I cry out to Him and give me blessings beyond belief. Today, after work, I felt that in a way that I never have before. Usually as selfish as I am, I do things to please other people and hope they pay me back in someway. Well, today I don't need any pay back. I'm happy with what I got.
The things that I got was a smile, more confidence that I can do things, and just the joy of doing that special thing for a friend on a special day. It is strange that when God is really enough how simple, little things can mean the world to you without pay back. How you can see the great small things you get back without any big thing hooked on. Usually when I do something that I'm not sure of, I'm really shaky afterwards but today I wasn't. I was for sure I was suppose to do what I did because it was a last minute thing for me and I had confidence in it and actually did it and it seemed easy.
It might of not turned out how I wanted it to because I wanted everything to be homemade and pretty. Hence the FACS major in me, but it wasn't. It was just some cupcakes that I brought from Wal-Mart and put words in black gel on them in the car. Yes, I did say in the car because it was on the way home from work. They didn't look too great and pretty but my friend got to share them where my friend worked and celebrate a "surprise" party that the friend didn't have to plan at all.
If you know me, you know I like most things planned out because it makes things easier and it's not so stressful but I'm learning something. When God is enough in life, things can just happen out of the blue and those things can be the best things that happen in life to you. The cupcakes might not have been the best looking or the best tasting but it is the thought, and always is the thought, that were behind those cupcakes that counted. I think, in a way, my friend knew what I was trying to do. I was trying to make a special day, extra special. My friend wasn't going to get away without a party and I think my friend knew that in a way.
I think my friend also learned something about me, "Don't ever doubt what I will or won't do because it just might happen." It happened because I knew whatever happened "God is enough" for me in my life. I don't need to make my friend or anyone else happy. I just need to follow God and obey Him and I felt like I did with all that I did today.
Monday, March 9, 2015
The Day I Started Observing OT
The day I started observing OT changed my life for the better. It was everything I ever dreamed it would be. Playing with cute children. Helping them reach new levels of learning that everyone else thought was impossible for them. Learning about new things everyday whether it is something new with the child or a different disability that they might have. I would and could do it every day of my life.
Observing OT in a preschool setting is pretty amazing. First, I miss the preschool setting very much. I miss the wide open spaces in preschool buildings where everywhere you turn there is a child there. I miss how nice the teachers and every adult is to the children. I love how the OTs had their little spaces where they could take the children away and out of the classroom to work with them. They had their little office for fine motor skills and to work on their own papers. Then they have this big "gym" with a lot of gross motor things in it like a basketball goal with weighted balls, ball pit, different kinds of swings, and more little things like a rocking horse.
I got to see 3 other OTs besides the one I was observing work with different children so there was 4 OTs total yet the "gym" was big enough for everyone. I won't take the job lightly because when it involves a child's life you never do but it seemed so easy. I will say though the classes you have to take before grad school and in grad school don't look too easy at all. My eyes were really opened on some of the reasons why I have to take the classes that I do which are mostly science and math classes. My OT explained to me a lot of the muscle tone and strength that the children didn't have or wasn't using like they should be at the age they were.
We had one little girl that her muscle was growing faster then the outer part of her body. I learned about two new disabilities and then worked with some children with autism and just behavioral development problems. My OT also showed me some of the paper work that she does and explained how they get goals and programs set up for the children and they have a year to improve on their goals and hopefully pass them. All the OTs explained what it was like to be an OT like the hours you get and the things you have to do in college. Most of them had to observe and get certain hours before and while in college too so this isn't a new thing.
My OT also advised me to at least observe one place where there was adult OT involved even though I know I want to work with children because colleges have you work with each one for a certain amount of time for an internship. I have to look at that now but it will be interested because my grandparents have been through some OT or it probably could have helped them along with PT if they were.
My heart is really set on doing OT now and there is nothing that can change that. That is my new dream. I want to help children like I got helped in my childhood even though it was mainly with speech. It is a kind of therapy that goes hand in hand. I remember people setting up plans for me and helping me get to my goals and that is where I'm going next. I'm going to a public school where the OT helps K-12 grade to see what it is like. If you can't tell, I just like learning new things all the time. I can't just stick with the same old routine time after time.
Observing OT in a preschool setting is pretty amazing. First, I miss the preschool setting very much. I miss the wide open spaces in preschool buildings where everywhere you turn there is a child there. I miss how nice the teachers and every adult is to the children. I love how the OTs had their little spaces where they could take the children away and out of the classroom to work with them. They had their little office for fine motor skills and to work on their own papers. Then they have this big "gym" with a lot of gross motor things in it like a basketball goal with weighted balls, ball pit, different kinds of swings, and more little things like a rocking horse.
I got to see 3 other OTs besides the one I was observing work with different children so there was 4 OTs total yet the "gym" was big enough for everyone. I won't take the job lightly because when it involves a child's life you never do but it seemed so easy. I will say though the classes you have to take before grad school and in grad school don't look too easy at all. My eyes were really opened on some of the reasons why I have to take the classes that I do which are mostly science and math classes. My OT explained to me a lot of the muscle tone and strength that the children didn't have or wasn't using like they should be at the age they were.
We had one little girl that her muscle was growing faster then the outer part of her body. I learned about two new disabilities and then worked with some children with autism and just behavioral development problems. My OT also showed me some of the paper work that she does and explained how they get goals and programs set up for the children and they have a year to improve on their goals and hopefully pass them. All the OTs explained what it was like to be an OT like the hours you get and the things you have to do in college. Most of them had to observe and get certain hours before and while in college too so this isn't a new thing.
My OT also advised me to at least observe one place where there was adult OT involved even though I know I want to work with children because colleges have you work with each one for a certain amount of time for an internship. I have to look at that now but it will be interested because my grandparents have been through some OT or it probably could have helped them along with PT if they were.
My heart is really set on doing OT now and there is nothing that can change that. That is my new dream. I want to help children like I got helped in my childhood even though it was mainly with speech. It is a kind of therapy that goes hand in hand. I remember people setting up plans for me and helping me get to my goals and that is where I'm going next. I'm going to a public school where the OT helps K-12 grade to see what it is like. If you can't tell, I just like learning new things all the time. I can't just stick with the same old routine time after time.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Stuck in Life
I don't want this entry to sound desperate or sad so I'll try my best not to make it that way but it is part of my path that I have to accept and take part in to become stronger and closer to God. I'm at the age where I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I want to settle yet it is so hard to do just that. I still have some things that I want to explore like different career paths and maybe travel a little bit more and see what grad school is like. I want to buy a house and live in it by myself for a few years so I can have it just the way I want it. So many things to do by myself but yet I feel like I need to settle. Get a good job that pays well and find someone to live with.
I don't just want to "find" those two things. I want those two things to be special and something I have to work for. Maybe not a lot but at least a little. My friends tell me not to compare my life with the other lives around me which I do a lot and I've done better at but I got into this mess lately that made me do that. I look around and everyone as a good job, they're leaving me to move on to something better, or they have some kind of a mate and here I am with none of those. I know I should be happy being single and all but at times it is hard especially when you don't know what you want to do as a single.
I have single friends that will go all out and go back to college or already live in a house and here I am still searching for my career. Trying to find out where my money will come from for college if I only work part time and so on. I'm learning a lot that with the next steps I want to take in my life I have to trust God fully and follow Him all the way.
There is no other way that you can live life fully if you are not trusting God with everything you have or you will be held back for a very long time. You can't have a career or person you love without God in those things.
To be honest, I don't feel like I fully get the whole relationship with God thing yet. I know there is so much more but I feel like I'm missing something important.
Maybe it is the devil trying to get a hold of me because He knows if I go forwards with God's plans that was easily shown to me this past week I will become stronger in God and he doesn't want that. He wants me to feel stuck in the same place over and over. He wants me to think that I can't have a better life when really I can. I can do so much more then I am doing now. I just have to let go and let God. The devil and I have been through this fight over a bunch of times and I'm just done fighting with him.
I have had thoughts about going into Special education or OT or something more to do with children but there is something that always stopped me. I'm done with it! I want to move on I want to take the hard way out. I have been raised and taught well enough to where I can save
money or work hard to earn that money. I'm not a picky buyer or eater. I could eat nothing or just fruit if certain times calls for that. I just know I am better then what I'm doing at now so why waste my time. Some of you might say that I'm not wasting my time and agree. There is a fine line where I am now about wasting my time and not wasting my time. I care about the children a lot but other things just aren't working for me.
I'm a person with bigger dreams and I just don't want to be stuck where I am now for the rest of my life and the late 20s and early 30s are places to start settling down and getting into what you can call a career and not just a job. You are searching for your career then so that you can work on other things the rest of your life. I just need to pray bigger prayers and just be ready when God gives me the chance and/or answer. Don't doubt just go jump in with a little faith. Is this wrong of me to think this way? I know a career won't replace what God can do in my life. It won't make me happy. I just feel like God has done all He can with me here and taught me all he can and now He wants to take me deeper into my life to see more of what He can do with it. I've tried and no one is listening and if they are it seems like they are taking forever to get things done.
It might be scary at times but I really think I'm ready to move on into a new chapter of my life. Ready to look and feel professional. Ready to show them that I am really older then they think I am. Ready to show people that I can do an office job with children. I shouldn't be scared with God right by my side through everything. He will send people and things I need to get me through different things. That is what He has done so far and He will continue to do that.
I don't just want to "find" those two things. I want those two things to be special and something I have to work for. Maybe not a lot but at least a little. My friends tell me not to compare my life with the other lives around me which I do a lot and I've done better at but I got into this mess lately that made me do that. I look around and everyone as a good job, they're leaving me to move on to something better, or they have some kind of a mate and here I am with none of those. I know I should be happy being single and all but at times it is hard especially when you don't know what you want to do as a single.
I have single friends that will go all out and go back to college or already live in a house and here I am still searching for my career. Trying to find out where my money will come from for college if I only work part time and so on. I'm learning a lot that with the next steps I want to take in my life I have to trust God fully and follow Him all the way.
There is no other way that you can live life fully if you are not trusting God with everything you have or you will be held back for a very long time. You can't have a career or person you love without God in those things.
To be honest, I don't feel like I fully get the whole relationship with God thing yet. I know there is so much more but I feel like I'm missing something important.
Maybe it is the devil trying to get a hold of me because He knows if I go forwards with God's plans that was easily shown to me this past week I will become stronger in God and he doesn't want that. He wants me to feel stuck in the same place over and over. He wants me to think that I can't have a better life when really I can. I can do so much more then I am doing now. I just have to let go and let God. The devil and I have been through this fight over a bunch of times and I'm just done fighting with him.
I have had thoughts about going into Special education or OT or something more to do with children but there is something that always stopped me. I'm done with it! I want to move on I want to take the hard way out. I have been raised and taught well enough to where I can save
money or work hard to earn that money. I'm not a picky buyer or eater. I could eat nothing or just fruit if certain times calls for that. I just know I am better then what I'm doing at now so why waste my time. Some of you might say that I'm not wasting my time and agree. There is a fine line where I am now about wasting my time and not wasting my time. I care about the children a lot but other things just aren't working for me.I'm a person with bigger dreams and I just don't want to be stuck where I am now for the rest of my life and the late 20s and early 30s are places to start settling down and getting into what you can call a career and not just a job. You are searching for your career then so that you can work on other things the rest of your life. I just need to pray bigger prayers and just be ready when God gives me the chance and/or answer. Don't doubt just go jump in with a little faith. Is this wrong of me to think this way? I know a career won't replace what God can do in my life. It won't make me happy. I just feel like God has done all He can with me here and taught me all he can and now He wants to take me deeper into my life to see more of what He can do with it. I've tried and no one is listening and if they are it seems like they are taking forever to get things done.
It might be scary at times but I really think I'm ready to move on into a new chapter of my life. Ready to look and feel professional. Ready to show them that I am really older then they think I am. Ready to show people that I can do an office job with children. I shouldn't be scared with God right by my side through everything. He will send people and things I need to get me through different things. That is what He has done so far and He will continue
to do that.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Children are Learning
Today was a blessed day for me at work. It was just so neat to see all the children getting along and having blast in their own little way. No complaining or fights. It was a big blessing since I wasn't feeling so great at all either. There were a lot of littles moments that caught my eye but I am proud of one of my little girls.
Most of the morning they would be playing with legos or the leap pads that we have. The younger children would be playing with the trains. They kept busy by themselves for once and it was neat just to watch them play. They were a bit whiney again near nap time but they were also up pretty early this morning. We painted shamrocks with apples and the two oldest children built a big house with legos. It was just a really calm morning but there is one of my big girl that I was really proud of this morning.
This little girl needs or wants a lot of attention and she will throw her fit if she doesn't get it but today she got it because she asked nicely for it. She wanted to play a cookie jar game that we had and on the leap pad by herself so I told her she could sit in the dining room while she played it and the other staff and me just watched her while we were doing other things. She was really good compare to the other days this week. I was so proud of her that I got her a little gift at the end of my shift and it made her smile.
It was a little Hello Kitty note holder that could be colored and she went ahead and colored it. I told her before nap time though while we were playing in the gym that she had been very good for us this morning and that I was proud of her. If she kept it up maybe she could get a little something. She was coloring Hello Kitty with the other staff and the other staff told me that she said "I like my gift. This is fun coloring it". The other staff asked, "why?" and the little girl said in her own words, "It is fun getting things but mostly importantly I had a lot more fun playing here today because I listened." All it took was her to listen or ask.
I think she learned that and it is always neat to see an older kid get the idea of "life". That is the most important lesson you can learn about life. It can be fun but even us grown ups have to listen too all the time especially if we are following God. I also rocked her for a little bit at nap time as a reward for listening and told her that too. It was like she totally turned around this morning and she was a pretty neat girl when she wasn't so demanding or throwing her little fits.
It is always neat to see how far a child can come in just the time that we have them where I work. It is stories like these that make me stay longer because it shows me that I have and can make a different in a child's life. I also noticed today that she did want picked up some and a hug here and there and you just have to give it even to the bigger children sometime because everyone needs a hug and to be held here and there. As a grown up, I still like to get hugs from my friends and parents on a bad day or during a bad situation. It lifts me up big time.
I was worried about starting the whole reward for being good thing with this little girl and another girl but I think and hope it works. I don't fully agree on giving things because they are good but they have to learn to control themselves somehow and then maybe it can be taken away from them later without even thinking about it. Get them into the groove of being good and then maybe they will be good just because. We might not see it while they are with us but at least we started the whole thing in "training" them to control themselves.
If we have tried everything but this one thing, then why not try it and see what good it does, right? It is not like I bragged her the first time she got it. She got it because she was being good without knowing she would get something and I also gave her verbal praise before giving her the toy. Way before giving it to her so she knew I noticed it way before. I did kept reminding her through that "you are having a good day so far, let's not mess it up now" and that seemed to work too.
Little moments like these are what makes my job worth wild. Seeing the change that God can make in these children's hearts are amazing.
Most of the morning they would be playing with legos or the leap pads that we have. The younger children would be playing with the trains. They kept busy by themselves for once and it was neat just to watch them play. They were a bit whiney again near nap time but they were also up pretty early this morning. We painted shamrocks with apples and the two oldest children built a big house with legos. It was just a really calm morning but there is one of my big girl that I was really proud of this morning.
This little girl needs or wants a lot of attention and she will throw her fit if she doesn't get it but today she got it because she asked nicely for it. She wanted to play a cookie jar game that we had and on the leap pad by herself so I told her she could sit in the dining room while she played it and the other staff and me just watched her while we were doing other things. She was really good compare to the other days this week. I was so proud of her that I got her a little gift at the end of my shift and it made her smile.
It was a little Hello Kitty note holder that could be colored and she went ahead and colored it. I told her before nap time though while we were playing in the gym that she had been very good for us this morning and that I was proud of her. If she kept it up maybe she could get a little something. She was coloring Hello Kitty with the other staff and the other staff told me that she said "I like my gift. This is fun coloring it". The other staff asked, "why?" and the little girl said in her own words, "It is fun getting things but mostly importantly I had a lot more fun playing here today because I listened." All it took was her to listen or ask.
I think she learned that and it is always neat to see an older kid get the idea of "life". That is the most important lesson you can learn about life. It can be fun but even us grown ups have to listen too all the time especially if we are following God. I also rocked her for a little bit at nap time as a reward for listening and told her that too. It was like she totally turned around this morning and she was a pretty neat girl when she wasn't so demanding or throwing her little fits.
It is always neat to see how far a child can come in just the time that we have them where I work. It is stories like these that make me stay longer because it shows me that I have and can make a different in a child's life. I also noticed today that she did want picked up some and a hug here and there and you just have to give it even to the bigger children sometime because everyone needs a hug and to be held here and there. As a grown up, I still like to get hugs from my friends and parents on a bad day or during a bad situation. It lifts me up big time.
I was worried about starting the whole reward for being good thing with this little girl and another girl but I think and hope it works. I don't fully agree on giving things because they are good but they have to learn to control themselves somehow and then maybe it can be taken away from them later without even thinking about it. Get them into the groove of being good and then maybe they will be good just because. We might not see it while they are with us but at least we started the whole thing in "training" them to control themselves.
If we have tried everything but this one thing, then why not try it and see what good it does, right? It is not like I bragged her the first time she got it. She got it because she was being good without knowing she would get something and I also gave her verbal praise before giving her the toy. Way before giving it to her so she knew I noticed it way before. I did kept reminding her through that "you are having a good day so far, let's not mess it up now" and that seemed to work too.
Little moments like these are what makes my job worth wild. Seeing the change that God can make in these children's hearts are amazing.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Second Snow Mission Trip of 2015
It is so fun when I truly get to stay over at work and be there for the children. Some people might think it is so strange of me but that is where my heart is right now and I'm single so why not do it now. At least, I know, when I'm there, they are getting some routine like usual. There might be some changes like playing out in the snow or doing special crafts but it is usually the same. I only had to spend one night this time and I got such a good night sleep that I had fun with the children today.
I can't tell write much about what we did because of safety issues but I will write that we had a snow day in the snow. We made bird feeders from toilet paper rolls with peanut butter and bird seed on them. Then after snack we went out and hung those bird feeders in the woods behind the building. We walked in the snow and the children had a blast doing it. We saw some kind of footprints in the snow whether it was raccoons or another small animal we don't know but they were small with the crawls on the end of them. We followed them to see if we could "hunt" down the animal but no such luck.
After we got done walking in the woods, we went up to the hill behind us and went or tried to go sledding down it but that didn't work so well. The children had fun walking and playing in it anyways. Some of them made snow angels and I didn't even have to tell them to do them. They knew how. We had another snowball fight and I got tons of snow on me. I will admit I did get in the snowball fight without gloves on and yes, my hands were cold for a little while but it was worth it. The children were all really sleepy when we went back inside so there was a lot of crying because it was almost nap time but they had a lot of fun. Most of them would go out and do it again if they could. I also got to take some pictures of them playing in the snow which is another one of my favorite things to do (photography) but I don't do it a lot or when I should because I don't think about it much or on time when we are doing a fun thing. I think this is the first time that I actually got pictures of them playing in the snow and making things instead of just standing in front of a 3 feet snowman, which was pretty cool too.
I think snow days are the best days with the children I work with because snow just makes everyone happy. Honestly, those types of days, I think are the days that I see the children most happy then other days. They are outside have fun and running around being free and who knows how many of those children get to do that. It is also a new experience for some and it is just fun to see what they will do or know how to do. I had some criers from the very start when we went to the hill but they would stop every once in awhile and throw a snow ball or try to sled.
I always complain about having to work on snow days and staying over but the truth is I really like it. It is a special day within itself. There is just no other feeling that can be experienced with the kind of children I work with and a snow day. The Happiest days on earth!
I can't tell write much about what we did because of safety issues but I will write that we had a snow day in the snow. We made bird feeders from toilet paper rolls with peanut butter and bird seed on them. Then after snack we went out and hung those bird feeders in the woods behind the building. We walked in the snow and the children had a blast doing it. We saw some kind of footprints in the snow whether it was raccoons or another small animal we don't know but they were small with the crawls on the end of them. We followed them to see if we could "hunt" down the animal but no such luck.
After we got done walking in the woods, we went up to the hill behind us and went or tried to go sledding down it but that didn't work so well. The children had fun walking and playing in it anyways. Some of them made snow angels and I didn't even have to tell them to do them. They knew how. We had another snowball fight and I got tons of snow on me. I will admit I did get in the snowball fight without gloves on and yes, my hands were cold for a little while but it was worth it. The children were all really sleepy when we went back inside so there was a lot of crying because it was almost nap time but they had a lot of fun. Most of them would go out and do it again if they could. I also got to take some pictures of them playing in the snow which is another one of my favorite things to do (photography) but I don't do it a lot or when I should because I don't think about it much or on time when we are doing a fun thing. I think this is the first time that I actually got pictures of them playing in the snow and making things instead of just standing in front of a 3 feet snowman, which was pretty cool too.
I think snow days are the best days with the children I work with because snow just makes everyone happy. Honestly, those types of days, I think are the days that I see the children most happy then other days. They are outside have fun and running around being free and who knows how many of those children get to do that. It is also a new experience for some and it is just fun to see what they will do or know how to do. I had some criers from the very start when we went to the hill but they would stop every once in awhile and throw a snow ball or try to sled.
I always complain about having to work on snow days and staying over but the truth is I really like it. It is a special day within itself. There is just no other feeling that can be experienced with the kind of children I work with and a snow day. The Happiest days on earth!
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Going on 3rd Year
This entry won't be very long because I can't say much about where I work but I am in my 3rd year at the place. That is the longest that I have been at any job so far. Of course, this is my second "real" job out of college. I'm enjoy it a lot. There are good and bad things about it and I get stressed at times, but isn't that every job? I really am amazed at myself for staying this long and how much I have changed personally and as a worker because of it.
Yes, I am a College of the Ozarks graduate but nothing can get you ready for what I do. Not even a great college like College of the Ozarks (might be a little bais there). You just have to lean on God every time something goes wrong or you are worried. I have became more of a leader in a lot of ways while being there. I have also spoke up more for the children because they cannot speak for themselves. It is hard job and there are few people out there that can do it and God gave me the gift of being able to do it.
Yes, I also want to move on later in life because knowing God, He won't keep me in my comfort zone. He never does because He knows deep down I like to learn and explore new things even though I might not seem like I do on the outside. I like a challenge every now and then. Just like any other job. I can only do it for so long but we'll see how long it will be. God has used this job in more ways then one.
He has used it to show me my next step in life. I remember when I started it back 2 years ago, I had no idea what I wanted to do in life. Now I do and I have talked about it a lot of times on here. He totally turned my life around using this job. Never thought I would want to get or think about getting a Master's and here I am thinking about it and it's not in education, it is in OT. Something I never heard of when I was little.
You would ask me how to explain my job and the experience I've had at my job have changed my life. Well, I would have a hard time explaining. It is like God is putting a story together that I don't understand but that is the best part, right? It is God showing me that children matter to Him and He wants me to take care of them in every way that I can. I might be repeating myself a lot lately but it is just want I'm thinking about.
I am a woman of God that LOVES children and that is something rare in today's world. Sadly. It is like God is showing me how beautiful I am, how much I am His Bride, and how to live happily ever after. It is me having my own children whether I get married or not. It is me knowing that I have helped or at least started to help 200+ children have happy memories. I learned something this past week that I would love to share and it is a good thing for meet remember with my job. I heard it from a lady who was sexual abused in her childhood.
"When you ask an abused child to look back at their childhood, they don't remember very many things because they have blocked it out. All they remember are the bad things and that is all they might of had during their childhood."
I have the chance for at least 45 days to make their days at my place of work a happy 45 days. Hopefully, those are the days that they remember. Those are the days that they grew, had toys to play with, had a bed to sleep in, food to eat, and so on. For some of those children, the place I work is the first place they see like that. A place where they have everything they need and people that truly care about them and not their selves.
I think about my childhood and even though I had a great family life. My school life was hard and I got teased a lot. It was my school days that left marks on me and made me grow closer to God in some ways. You never know what a child is going through so treat them like Jesus would. You might make a BIG DIFFERENCE in that child's life. Make the time to teach them, cuddle them, rock them at sleepy time, listen to their feelings, and play with them because you never know when they will get it again or that is the way I have to think in my field of work right now. These things are some of the things I have learned in my past 2 years and, I know, continue to grow in my 3rd year plus a lot more.
Yes, I am a College of the Ozarks graduate but nothing can get you ready for what I do. Not even a great college like College of the Ozarks (might be a little bais there). You just have to lean on God every time something goes wrong or you are worried. I have became more of a leader in a lot of ways while being there. I have also spoke up more for the children because they cannot speak for themselves. It is hard job and there are few people out there that can do it and God gave me the gift of being able to do it.
Yes, I also want to move on later in life because knowing God, He won't keep me in my comfort zone. He never does because He knows deep down I like to learn and explore new things even though I might not seem like I do on the outside. I like a challenge every now and then. Just like any other job. I can only do it for so long but we'll see how long it will be. God has used this job in more ways then one.
He has used it to show me my next step in life. I remember when I started it back 2 years ago, I had no idea what I wanted to do in life. Now I do and I have talked about it a lot of times on here. He totally turned my life around using this job. Never thought I would want to get or think about getting a Master's and here I am thinking about it and it's not in education, it is in OT. Something I never heard of when I was little.
You would ask me how to explain my job and the experience I've had at my job have changed my life. Well, I would have a hard time explaining. It is like God is putting a story together that I don't understand but that is the best part, right? It is God showing me that children matter to Him and He wants me to take care of them in every way that I can. I might be repeating myself a lot lately but it is just want I'm thinking about.
I am a woman of God that LOVES children and that is something rare in today's world. Sadly. It is like God is showing me how beautiful I am, how much I am His Bride, and how to live happily ever after. It is me having my own children whether I get married or not. It is me knowing that I have helped or at least started to help 200+ children have happy memories. I learned something this past week that I would love to share and it is a good thing for meet remember with my job. I heard it from a lady who was sexual abused in her childhood.
"When you ask an abused child to look back at their childhood, they don't remember very many things because they have blocked it out. All they remember are the bad things and that is all they might of had during their childhood."
I have the chance for at least 45 days to make their days at my place of work a happy 45 days. Hopefully, those are the days that they remember. Those are the days that they grew, had toys to play with, had a bed to sleep in, food to eat, and so on. For some of those children, the place I work is the first place they see like that. A place where they have everything they need and people that truly care about them and not their selves.
I think about my childhood and even though I had a great family life. My school life was hard and I got teased a lot. It was my school days that left marks on me and made me grow closer to God in some ways. You never know what a child is going through so treat them like Jesus would. You might make a BIG DIFFERENCE in that child's life. Make the time to teach them, cuddle them, rock them at sleepy time, listen to their feelings, and play with them because you never know when they will get it again or that is the way I have to think in my field of work right now. These things are some of the things I have learned in my past 2 years and, I know, continue to grow in my 3rd year plus a lot more.
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