My Anxiety About Things

          People have told me not to write a lot about my anxiety on my blog but for some reason I feel like I need to share what has just happened to me. It is the strangest thing ever and I don't like it. I have just wanted to cry non stop during and about things. I use to cry at church when the message was touching and just anything that was touching I would start to cry. I was very emotional and to be honest I miss that part of me. I am on some meds. to control my anxiety but at the same time I feel like I lost part of me.
           I cried tonight after I went to bed and read something from a friend of mine and I have no idea why but I finally let the fountain flow and it felt good. I guess a lot has been going on in my life too and things were just piling up and still are kind of. Thinking about who I need to be compared to who God made me to be and how to get there. Work has been hard and struggling not to tell a friend the truth about how I feel. There are some things that I can't help with which devastates me to death. All those things should make a person cry at some point.
          I just sat on my knees at my beside and cried for about 5-10 mins. but I still want to cry more. As strange as it might be, I think crying is just a part of who I am. I don't think it has anything to do with anxiety and if it does I have grown up with it that it just seems like me and I miss it. Yes, I will admit I use to cry at a drop of a hat before I was on the meds and now I don't but I miss those long crying time. I would just cry anywhere and people would know that something is upsetting me and they would ask. It was like almost a conversation starter for me in a strange way. Now I just walk away or pretend everything is okay when really it isn't. It is hard and confusing.
          I'm just that sensitive of a person. To be honest again, I have always used crying to get my way instead of talking. My family will agree to that but now that I'm grown up it is for a good cause even though I shouldn't be crying at my age. It is just who I am and I guess a small habit in a way. Another reason I like to cry is because that is a sense that God is really talking to me in a way and trying to get my attention. When not trying, I can't see God move or feel Him move but when I do cry things start to change and I start to open up to people.
           I was crying over something a friend said tonight that really touched me and that I really want to do something for my friend. I know it touched me because I have cried for that long in a few months. Yet it also told me that I knew what my friend was going through because even though our situations are different I still understand in a way since I work for a big nonprofit. It also makes me see how I am with my life with God because it seems the more I cry the more I want Him to work in my life. Now more then ever too. With some things more then others.
            I will be on my meds for a year in July but I don't know what to do. Yes, I get worked up easily both sad and mad when I'm off of the meds but like I said I miss getting sad and crying. The mad I don't miss at all. I need a way where I can fix one but not the other. I wonder if I seem like a blank sheet of paper to some people that have no idea who I am or can be because I know I probably show very little emotion and try to get away fast from gatherings. It is one of those things where I just need direction. I need something else to help me out and I'm trying to learning and get into a habit of God's Word and believing the good things about me but that is hard too.
            I'm just at a very hard time in my life right now. Trying to figure things out and not getting what I think is right for me especially right away. Having to wait for certain things. Feeling like I'm stuck and everyone is moving on without me. I just want to be a pleasant person to be around and at the same time be able to share my personal stories and the stories about work but for some reason I can't seem to. I just a lonely duckling, yes I said duckling, out in this great big world that hasn't found her spot yet. A lonely duckling on meds because if she wasn't she probably couldn't make it through her 20s. Anxiety would get the best of her. Finding a spot could mean so many things too. That could be another whole entry and it might be if I keep feeling this way.
             I'm fighting every step of the way and even though it gets tiring I'm still trying to fight it. Learning a lot about how to handle things with God instead of the meds and making new habits so I can get off of them, hopefully, later in life. I will find my spot in this world someday. I just wish, sometimes, it would just fall in my lap or at least be easy most of the time but then what would be the point of trusting God if that was the case. Anyways, this might sound like I'm complaining and I am showing a lot of myself but I just feel like people need to know because we all aren't perfect. We have our own flaws. We are all broken.