Garden of my Heart

        God is really working on me lately and it hit me tonight at church. I've spent the last two weeks study who I was meant to be to God in my Bible Study. I am His Bride, His Beautiful One, His Beloved One and so on. Learning that I am all of those things to Him, I have to let go of what I was holding on to all these years that I didn't even knew existed. I have to kneel down in my Garden and pray that His Will be done in my life.
        My garden is not beautiful yet. Since it is just being to be Spring and rain more then snow, it is just getting what it needs. My garden got planted and there are still seeds to plant but some seeds are growing right now. I saw all the weeds that were in my garden and the darkness that shined over it for a lot of years. Nothing could grow there but weeds because weeds grow everywhere no matter the soil type. Only flowers grow when the soil is wet, strong, and well fed.
         In my dark garden, the weeds of Betrayal, abandonment, Injustice, condemnation, and abuse was growing without me even thinking that I was going through those things. As I look at my past now, I at least had every one of those things sometime or another in my life. I mean come on I'm from a small country school with 30 students in my class. I was betrayed by a friend my senior year. Then I was abandon by everyone when I moved away to college. I've had a lot of times where I thought things weren't fair in my life. A lot of times where I was abused whether feelings or mental wise.
        I just remember people being all around me and not one good encouragement or word surrounded me until college. Then it was hard to let people in and honestly I was scared to go to a straight Christian college. It was so different but the people there were so helpful and nice. I learned so much there. There I think is when my flower garden started to grow and got sunlight to shine on it. That was good for about 5 years and then I moved to AR and those weeds started growing up again and the flowers were dieing. I had to start over with friends, church home, and a real job. It was okay and I got through it but it was 2 years ago that changed my life.
        I even have had friends that I felt like betrayed me here in AR but I know how to handle that in a better way and yes, I made most of the mistakes in those friendships. I lost my first job in AR for what I thought was injustice and spent a month looking for a new one and I'm still there today. I love it because you see children with their own weeds of those 5 things and you just want to help them. You forget about your life and focus on them. I thought I was fine with the job that I love so much and thought that it was good but then I started something personal in my life back last July and it has helped me a lot. I feel a lot more free since I did it.
         I can think better know and see where God is leading me. I'm not always sad like I use to be and I don't care what people think of me. I understand and am understanding myself a lot better. I want more because I know I can do better then I am right now. I'm not fully at my flower garden yet. When I get there, though, I will be able to be honest with myself and people, trust in God with everything, know my God-given intention and identity. I will grow into beautiful flowers whether it be roses, daises, sunflowers, lilacs, tulips, and so on.
          What comforts me, though, through all of this is knowing Jesus had his own garden that He was in before the cross for us. He went through all of those 5 things but yet out of those 5 things He trusted, was honest, knew his intention and identity in God, His Father. He knew the Plan His Father had for Him so He was confidence that He was doing the right thing. I know I'm not alone when I feel the weeds growing back up and the sun starting to fade away from my garden. I just have to get back on the path God has for me and He will make my garden beautiful again.
          God can also make a new garden altogether out of the old one. He might turn or change your plans totally around to match His. I know He has done that for me in so many ways like moving me here to AR, the city of Wal-Mart and taking me away from the official education field when I wanted to be a teacher, and putting me somewhere where I never thought I would be plus maybe going back to grad school which I never thought I could do. I also thought I would be at least married by now or wanted to be but I'm not there yet either. I'm glad and a lot happier with God's Plan because I'm learning a lot about myself and about Him to where it will make things easier then if they have happened like I wanted them too.
               Just give God the shovel and let Him dig it. Like my FFA quote was during my first and second year of high school, "Life's a garden, dig it" but might I add "Life's a garden, let God dig it".