In a Day and the Life of a 29 Year Old

       This is my 600th entry on this blog. I wanted it to be more of a better one but I also thought writing one about this subject was needed. I'm not writing it to get feelings from others or worry others or get talked back to. I'm writing this to show no one is prefect not even me. This will be the most see through one I have probably written on here all these years.
        The first couple of weeks of being 29 has been hard for me. I don't know how people do it by themselves. So far that is how I am feeling. It is probably the most important turn around point in a person's life and no one to guide me or walk with me. The two weeks plus a little more have been very busy and confusing for me. I feel like I'm in the song "Smoke Break" by Carrie Underwood. I've had a lot of thoughts like that song and doubts. As soon as my birthday passed, I started thinking about traveling the world again in the coming year. Then all the more grown up talk started to come out of the blue. I thought I was ready but I am not.
        For example, I really wanted a house of my own. I might get to have one but while talking about paying the mortgage and the loan, it scared me. We even started to talk about repainting that and even though I want to, that scared me too. Then that got me thinking about money and my job again. I hate to think about that. I either have to get two jobs if I want to keep the one I have now or go back to college or take some classes to get a better job. I've thought about both. Right now, just thinking about taking some classes to be in the classroom. I am still wondering if the job being a teacher for upper grades is for me. I don't think I can do preschools anymore. My other job right now is just subbing at other preschools.
        Then there is the always scared that  I'm going to always be alone. I've just talking more to guys then I usually do. I have to hold myself accountable on some accounts with some guy friends. Being 29 has been very lonely for me so far. I need another person to talk to about all of this. My age and the same situation in life. How do I find that in this big city called Bentonville? The city of business and older people. This is not the city for mid-age people unless you are from here are you have a really good hook up with people. 

        I know I feel this way every year when I get older but it is because I am getting older and I need to change and grow up but it is like me thinking how will I do that this year. It is hard sometimes when your birthday and new years are almost at the same time for me. I can only think of what New Year's Eve and Days birthdays feel like. It is like I get new friends or group every year. To me, it is by seasonal right now in this moments of my life for the most part but there are those special people that no matter what I will always be there to support them and encourage them on even if it does take away from my own life. 

        I will admit to that I have stayed up later then I should a lot these past 2 weeks just thinking about things again and playing situations in my head that will never happen. I am at that point again and for some reason I always come back to it. When will that ever stop if it will? It is so much harder when you are on anxiety meds too. I should have never started them because I now feel like I am dependent on those and it is even harder to get back to "normal". That is a goal I have for this year but I don't have anyone to go through it with me or that totally understands that problem. People keep saying that you will find a way to not needs those meds anymore one day and right now I don't feel that way.
        I have been feeling a little depressed too lately. Just with all of these things going on in my life. Just thinking about them have worn my energy down to where all I want to do is sleep and I don't even want to eat a lot, not even the chocolate I brought home from Christmas. It has mainly been supper that I haven't wanted to eat because I have been too sleepy. Then breakfast, I haven't gotten up on time but that isn't on purpose. I just come home and don't feeling like eating at all. I did eat some yogurt last night and that was a first time in a couple of days that I have ate supper. My attention have been to others things that I don't even think about eating. 

        People just think it is so easy to do what you want but it isn't. Some people just think I need to stick it out for one job. That I will get use to it but I won't. I always feel like God is telling me something else but I have no support in what I feel like I really want to do. My dream. It always helps to have a group around you that supports you in the way you want to go but I don't have that yet. I know a lot of my family reads these entries too but I will admit this because it has been a problem for me in the past. I have thought about drinking. I mean I just thought about that last night before bed while I was in bed. That is how hard life is getting for me. Something I thought I would never do or never think about doing I did for a bit. 

         I know people that know me might be reading this might find that surprising as well but there are just some points right now where I just feel like God is repeating Himself so much that messages and verses don't even work anymore. Even talking to some good Christian friends don't help because it feels like they are saying the same thing over and over and over. I don't need words of encouragement. I need action and support right now. I'm crying as I am writing this now too, I will admit. I'm just overwhelmed and need some people to talk to about it right now. Some people that aren't to busy with their own lives. 

          I know I am hard to talk to and hear sometimes because I can be quite but that doesn't mean give up on me. That just means I've been let down a lot and I don't know who I can really trust to side beside me and walk me through things. I push people away I know that but I need people who text things like "we are getting together tomorrow nigh not matter what" or "Are you busy right now because we need to talk?" or things like that. People that are more outgoing and demanding but in a nice and caring way. I ask this and then it might scare me but that is when you pull me closer in so I don't back away. I'll be honest too with this. I can't live like I am now for much longer. My personality has to change somehow, someway but I CANNOT do it alone. 

Jealousy-A Poem

         I wrote this today because I feel so confused and stressed about a lot of things. This is the first poem I have won't in awhile but I got to thinking about something and I just had to write it out for it all to make sense. It is a lot about checking your motives when you about to do something that you can't take back.


Jealousy

I hate to admit I am that kind of girl. 
The girl that holds on so tight. The 
girl that won't let God have the situation 
at certain times. The girl that messes 
everything up, especially those closest
to her. 

Why would anyone who that type of 
girl? A girl that can't trust. A girl that
is always down the person's back. A
girl that you can't get away from, no 
matter how hard you try. 

That girl who sees encouragement 
and uses it in place of jealousy. That 
girl that gets jealous when she knows 
she doesn't need to get in the way. 
That girl who guys look at and says she 
is too clingy. Because of that, they all
back away from her. 

Have you ever really stop to wonder
why? Why she acts the way she does?
Have you honestly stopped and given 
her the chance to talk face to face without
anyone else around? Have you ever stopped
and listened to her side of the story and 
how she really feels and why?

Do you think it could be because of her 
sweet spirit? Do you think it is because
she loves you? She is only jealous because
she cares. She doesn't even know she is 
being jealous times. Just know that if she
is a little jealous that it comes from the 
heart. 

How else is a girl suppose to show her 
love if she can't do it through jealousy? 
It is who a girl is. It is in our make up.
We want that attention and reaction from 
a guy.  We need that reminder of that 
love. We act jealous so the guy knows 
he is lacking just a bit. We act jealous 
hoping to get the guy's attention on us. 

It is something that just comes naturally.
But guys have to understand that sometimes
it comes too naturally so be easy on us. 


Written By: Tiffney Wilson

Jan. 11th, 2016

God Has a Reason for Things to Happen

       "God has a reason for things to happen."

       

         This saying just got to me last night and this morning. I have a friend that says this saying a lot, which is great. It just shows that my friend is trusting God with everything that is happening. It is the most simple and easiest saying to say and remember but to do it and believe it is another whole story. It isn't easy. As I have a new challenge in my life to say and believe that, it has been hard for me.
         For me, a person with high anxiety and stressed, it is good for me to try and remember. It just shows I am giving things to God like I should. We might not see the action right after or we might. That doesn't matter all that matters is that we know God has things in control. Therefore, things happen that we don't even plan for a good reason down the road.
         Something bad might have to us or that is how we think but it might be better for us in the long run. We just don't know it yet. I like this view or picture of mind that I got this morning. Picture a truck breaking down in a middle of a long trip. The part that broke down was a major part of the truck. You might want to get mad because you won't get to your place on time and that messes up your plans.
           It is better if that truck broke down where there was a spot to get off the highway, like a ramp, and a police officer down the road from you so you didn't have to wait for a person and be later to the place you were going. Depending on how bad the break down was, you could have had a crash on down the highway. It just goes to show that God does know what he is doing. We just have to put our trust on Him and then see the blessings He gave us. "Focus more on the blessings that day, then the problems." This lesson could be taught anywhere in our lives. God could teach you through the changing of jobs like He has me or even through the littler things in life. 

           I just used this example because it is one that has happened recently and I like the picture it draws with that lesson. It actually goes down a path (road) but then has a side path where you can pause and spend time with God to figure out what is next and maybe why He let the things happen to you. God does things for a reason. I know for my life every job that I have gotten lead me to the spot I am in now and it is a wonderful spot. It is hard because the pay is different but it is a start in where I really have always wanted to be, a teacher in the public schools. It has got my mind back on track in the strangest but good ways. 

             The example or really situation that happened to my friend is also a story of God looking out for us like He always is. Sometimes we just need that proof because as humans we are so stubborn. I know I am a lot. In the end of that situation, God made everything happen so they could get the truck fixed and back on the path to their goal, which was just another part of making my friend's dream bigger and better. Plus when they got to the house they were staying at for a couple of nights, it was an AMAZING house that they were upgraded too. It wasn't the first house they were rented but a better one for the same cost. 

            We can never guess what God has in store for us at end of each problem. We just have to trust Him and say, "That God does things for a reason" and trust Him with that in mind. I'll be honest on here. I have said that a lot about this friend and his ministry but then again I only see my friend growing closer to Him and that is better in the long run. That is what I really want for my friend if I really dig down deep inside of myself. I want what is best for him. God is doing His Thing for a Reason and I'll just have to wait it out. It will happen if He is willing for it to happen and if not, there is a better reason out there, that I just haven't found yet. 

The Good of Others

 ^"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. ³² Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God— ³³ even as I try to please everyone in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved. 11 ¹ Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ."- 1 Cor. 10:23-11:1

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“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. 24 No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.

25 Eat anything sold in the meat market without raising questions of conscience, 26 for, “The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it.”-1 Cor. 10:23-26

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Build up someone else-use freedom to do this.

"Love Builds up Others."

-Verses 25-26

"Love Glorifies God."
               
-Verse 10:31-33

"Jesus is always our True North."

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         These verses are going to be part of my favorite verses for this year 2017. It is so strange when you seen a verse everyday but it takes someone like a pastor to explain it along with the other verse around it. The verse I am talking about here is: verse 23. I remember seeing that verse in the lunch room, on the back wall, every day during my college years. I remember thinking to myself too, "what does that really mean?" Here it is 5 years later and I finally understand that verse.
         I have seen 11:1 in my life so much. I have followed some people and those same people have encouraged my life and walk with God without even known it. I hope every day that I am living a Godly life to where people would see God in me and what to follow Him. The other things with all these verses are about doing good for others. Some things may cause other people to stumble or look away. We shouldn't look to our own good but to the good of others. We might want to save these clothes because they are special to us but will you ever wear them again. No, so pass them on to people that will use them and need them more then us. 
           We always have to live with the good intent of others in mind. That is called Love. That is what God is. They won't see God in us if we don't love them. Love points us towards God. That is our true North. When we turn our thoughts and actions towards others then we know what it is like to be like God in a sense of course. Sometimes we see what our actions can do or sometimes we won't see them but just have to believe that they are good. I have been through both of the ways. 
            In my own life, I have seen how other people thinking about others more then theirselves helped me grow in life and just as a person. It is always an "I want to do that too" sort of idea once you see it through other people. Then I have also seen where I won't know how loving them will turn out like at the children's shelter and the children I came in contract with there. I just have to trust and believe our God. It is also like sponsoring a child from overseas with Compassion or someone else. You just have trust what the company is doing and that God will lead the company to do the right thing. 
            This all could go with seeing how different people glorify God in different ways. I know when I see my friends glorifying God for every little thing or what I think is a little thing, it makes me think again, "why can't I do that in my life" and it turns into a challenge for myself. Sometimes we just don't understand what God might be teaching us because we do miss those little things and signs of doing good for others. Loving them when no one else can or will. Even loving our Christian brothers and sisters, when people are calling them names and making fun of their beliefs in certain things. We should be there supporting them every step of the way. 

Books Being Read By Me

     I am going to make a list of books that I want to read this year. I will keep this and see if I can look back on it in December and see if I read them all.


-Uninvited

-Love and Respect

-All the Promises of the Bible

-Heaven

-Without Rival

-One Thousand Gifts

-Radical

-Crazy Love

-What Happens When Women Pray

-Need You Now

-Jesus Always

-God Came Near

-His Needs. Her Needs.

-3:16

-Soul Keeping


Looking at this list, my goal is to read 15 books this year. Can I do it? There are a couple of thick books that might take up most of the year like "Love and Respect" and "Heaven". I could always read the small ones in between those two, though, and that is what I will most likely do.

The Feel of Contentment

        I am in my car during my lunch break from work. I am at a park but not outside because it is too cold. For lunch, I am eating an apple and drinking a pink drink. Enough about what I am doing, I am on here to tell you about my morning this morning. Something came over me when walking into work this morning.
         That something was contentment and peace. If you know me at all, I am the kind of person who likes to plan for the future. I am also the kind who gets stressed easily. After my Christmas break, though, I felt at rest. I am finally at rest and content with my job but it is the things around me that I am not. Things like my apartment, my relationships, and my health.
          I am content at my job for a couple of reasons. I went in this morning and a peace just came over me. I was not of this world when I first walked in. I haven't felt that way with a job after a break for a long time. I remember last year when I came back my job was so stressful and I was worrying about it all during break. I also spent shorter time with my family with that job then I did this time around. There was nothing to worry about because the numbers and ratios where okay. I guess the other reason was I just stepped into a school where I have been all my long and where I belong for now.
         I will also say that during break I got a lot of hugs and talking done with my mom and other people and played a lot with one of my nieces or all of them really a lot this break. That might be strange to some of you. Before break, though, I felt like I was honestly unloved and about ready to give up. I just needed my Love languages filled and living along that is a hard thing to get at times. It felt good spending time with my family. So much that I miss them right now while I am writing this. It was just something about being home for me. A different feeling. I will also say that I got to spend a couple of days seeing a really close friend of mine too, which was special. 

          That content feeling stayed with me for about 5 mins. and then it was back to normal but it was just so good to feel that way after coming back from a break. It was strange too because I had a busy break but yet it didn't seem like it was that busy after looking at the children I know. It just felt like the weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I didn't have to learn anything new, didn't have to stress about anything, or didn't have a new place in the system. It has been 3 and a half years since I have felt this at a job that I like. It went on has normal with no rumor updates either. Honestly, the children were great too! I had no problem with them at all. 

            It was a strange feeling and I wish I could describe it better but it is just a moment you have to have yourself to know what it feels like. Now, my job is where I get away from the other things in my life that a bothering me when it use to be the other way around. It is a place I can go out of my smelly apartment right now. It is a place where I am busy with the children so I don't think about a lot of things. It is a place where I can just be me and no one judges me. It is a place where I know I am appreciated. If I am stressed out about my future, I go to work and just play with the kiddos and forget all about it. I don't even worry about my money situation when I am there. 

           I don't carry those things in with me because I know I'm too busy with the kiddos. I felt like God was saying, "this is the right place for you right now, you don't need to worry about your future. I got that under control." He does and I know that but sometimes it is easy to forget that too. At the same time, though, I sometimes wonder if I have grown so much since last Jan. I have been through some hard things since then but I think they helped me grown up a lot. I might write a entry about this transition when it happens but I wrote a friend telling them that I might change churches because I feel like I don't belong there anymore and that I needed one closer to me. It took me about a half of a year to say it and do it but I did today and now I am okay with that. 

           God is working a lot in my life like He does every Jan. and makes me think about the life changes I need to make and will make. A lot of them now are just for my life right now. I need to be happy and joyful with God in my life so that is what I am aiming for this year or at least at the start of this year. We'll see where it takes me the rest of the year. 

New Year's Day (2017) Sermon

           Three Reasons Jesus Christ Came


-Save the Sinners
         -Main Verse-Luke 19:10
                  - "For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”
         -1 Tim. 1:15
         -Is. 53:6
         -2 Cor. 5:21


-Came to give us a good life
          -Main Verse-John 10:10
                     -"A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real     and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of."-MSG
                     -This verse might be another verse on my year's list of verses to remember and look back on.
          -Matthew 10:35-36
                  -"35 For I have come to turn

“‘a man against his father,
    a daughter against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—
36     a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’

          -All about His Presence in Our Lives=Abundant life
       
                -Heb. 13:5
                -"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,

“Never will I leave you;
    never will I forsake you.”

                -Put of greed and put on contentment
                -The promise of His Presence will help you overcome things.


-Fulfillment of God
           -Main Verse: John 17:4
                   - "I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do."
           -Luke 24:27
           -Matthew 5:17
                  -“Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them."             
                  -fulfillment of the Law

           -2 Cor. 1:20
                  -" For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God."
                  -Christ is the fulfillment of the all.



-"INTENTIONALLY CHRIST OBSESSED IN ALL THINGS"-from the book "Exalted"