Pray the Hardest, when it is the hardest to pray

          Daddy, can I be honest now? I am messed up and old. What guy would like me like I am? Going to be living with a cat, reading books, making lists, liking routines, micro managing that turns to anxiety and so on. I would make them feel old and confused. How would they keep up with me? Oh! Let's not forget my perfection, stubbornness, long time to process, and my OCD. Not only did it talk me til the next day to remember something, took me until something was done to put one to one together, even thought I thought it sounded familiar.            Daddy, all this goes with my friendships and relationships too. When someone said the word "micro manage", I went straight to a friend of mine in my mind and I think that's what upsetted me the most about this whole thing. Have I and did I do that when we were talking? Did it really get that bad and I just didn't see it until now like that? Until someone said something to me about it?...

         Have you ever been nervous about trying out a new church or changing churches? Have you gone to a church before and not have any idea what is going to happen at the church if you keep going? Have you felt like you belonged there yet not belonged there at the same time? Are these feelings normal while changing churches or am I just over thinking things just a bit like normal?          I have been thinking a lot and tonight after church it all made sense to me. It was all put in order for me. The sermon was about the exit for the Israelites out of Egypt. On the drive home, I was thinking about both churches. Let's start out by saying I am scared of switching from one to the other. I'm scared because I think leaving Fellowship Bible Church will get me nowhere with certain things in life and just going through the process of making friends again is hard. Yet at the same time, I really feel like I need to change churches because it ...

           "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Duet. 31:8 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~               This verse is such full of promise. Lately, I have been scared of making changes and learning new things. I have literally stayed awake some nights thinking about some things. Things I want to happen in my mind but when I get down to the details, they're kind of scary. That time you have to move on but scared things won't happen like I want them to but deep down I know or think God has a way better plan for me so I take that step of faith outside of my comfort zone.              The verse gives us a promise that God will go before me. He will plan my path for me and because of that He'll come back and get me ready for it. Really He is already t...

          As I look back on my life, I regret a lot. I especially regret not really living the small town life while I was really in a small town. I could have lived it more then I did. All I could think about while I was there was how bad I wanted to get out of there. If I knew what I do now back then, I would take every chance I got to live that life more. Now living in a big city for about 8 years, I would give anything to go back to my small town.           I only went to a school that had a 100 people in it. It was elementary, middle, and high school in one big building with that many people in it. I graduated with a class of 30 people in it. That was in 2006. Yet, I could be involved in so many things because there was so few people. I never thought of it that way but it was true. I was in FFA, FTA, Cross Country, yearbook, and band. That was 5 things I was involved in all four years of hig...

Here is a prayer that I got from  church: King Jesus, My Savior and Friend,  What is my next step of growth in knowing You and following You in everyday life? Who are You calling me to take that next step with? Show me who I can learn from in this next season. Show me who I can share my story and faith with in  this next season. Help me to see the people You have already put in my life where I live, work, and  play through the lens of Your Love and leadership. Amen.

Galatians 6:2 New International Version (NIV) 2  Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~             This verse spoke to me when I saw it this week. I got it from a friend's email and it goes right along with what the sermon at church tonight. It is so strange how that works. Yet I want to change churches for something else. Does that make sense? Maybe just for a short amount of time to feel like I am by myself and then maybe I will go back to the other church? Anyways, back to the verse and what the sermon was about tonight. It was about discipleship and the preacher preached from 1 Thess. but I just feel like this verse goes with it too.            The verses that were used from the book of  First Thess. was 1 Thess. 2:7-8 and 9-12. It tells you how to be a disciple and gives some examples. The exam...

          I feel like the word "When" should be my word for 2018. Here is a poem to start off the year with. This is how I feel every now and then. I have my good and bad moments. To be honest, I have asked these questions to myself every now and then. I am being honest and true through this poem. I hope other people can relate to this poem too.  When?-A Poem When? When will I get to go on that be adventure? When will I be able to get out of this small town? When can I be by myself? When? When? When will I be done here? When will I be dome with this paperwork? When can I be able to do the things I want? When? When? When will I get the job that I love? When will this stress stop? When will I fill like I have my life together? When? When? When will this singleness be over for me? When will I find the perfect one? When will our dreams match and join together? When will I have my own children instead of taking care of others' childre...

            I love today! I am sitting inside while it is cold and snowy outside. It is my first time in 8 years that the place I have worked as shut down early (aka at noon) so we could go home. I am not kidding about that either. It was a nice feeling that I have missed for years. I didn't have to worry about driving on the roads in the mess or staying overnight either. I could just come home and enjoy myself.           Anyways, that is not what this entry is going to be about. If it was it would be kind of boring. I thought about it but then I thought that I should write something else and just put it in like I just did. Now onto the topic that the title says. I know I also need a better title but I couldn't come up with one. I have been in the childcare system for about 10 years, give or take a year. I have mainly would with preschool age and under as my main jobs during and after college. While in high school, I was a TA and I...

            I can't really write what I am really feeling and why but I just wanted to write something that will help me this moment in my life. I want to remember what it feels like to be scared before I jump into something that might change my life totally around. I will say though that I heard a lot this week about stepping/jumping out of my comfort zone and how I would be blessed if I did. I also heard a lot about how other people need to hear my story and how my story up til this moment as happened for a reason such as this. It is strange how scared I am right now at this moment in my life. I think I am even more scared then I was when I moved here to AR 8 years ago.              I will tell you I was sacred back then because I didn't know AR or Bentonville at all but this time it is a different kind of scared. I guess you could say it is a lonely, scaring feeling even though I know I am not alone. I have people who ...

John 2:13-16 New International Version (NIV) Jesus Clears the Temple Courts 13  When it was almost time for the Jewish Passover,  Jesus went up to Jerusalem.   14  In the temple courts he found people selling cattle, sheep and doves,  and others sitting at tables exchanging money.   15  So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple courts, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables.   16  To those who sold doves he said,  “Get these out of here! Stop turning my Father’s house  into a market!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1 Corinthians 3:16 New International Version (NIV) 16  Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple  and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1 Corinthians 6:15 New International Version (NIV) 15  Do you not k...

           People might think these two things are the same but really they are not. I have had to deal with both but I didn't know that they were different until here recently. A friend said something to me that I never heard but also made sense. She said, "Giving up and letting go are not the same thing. They are two things that are totally different." Or something along those lines. For once, I am not giving up in life, I am just letting go or at least trying to but no one is perfect at that either.             "Giving up" means totally giving up on the thing or person you care deeply about. It means you really don't care about them anymore and that it is easy forget about the thing or person. You could care less about how they live life. It is also where you get mad easily and worry a lot. It is where the anxiety keep kicks in. "Giving up" is what I have felt in the past, I wil...

WARNING: Emotional Status -I will admit I cried on the way home from work tonight. Only because I had mixed feelings of where I am now. My new full time job is an answer to prayer for sure. It was almost too easy for me today. I mean I went from 12 toddlers 2 years and a half ago down to 8 toddlers. Those 4 other toddlers really do make a difference. Everyone at my new job kept asking me if I miss my old one or if I liked this one better. I just answered "it hasn't hit me yet" because it hadn't. But tonight on the way home, it did. I had MY AC kids for a year and a half plus some other amazing kids thrown in there for a few months. I missed them today and it was strange staying at my new job this afternoon. I'm torn this week and might be until I get use to everything that is changing. I know God has me where He does for a reason right now. Always does that to me. I just miss MY kiddos. Those kids were the first group I got to keep for ...

Luke 12:18-22 New International Version (NIV) 18  “Then he said, ‘This is what I’ll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store my surplus grain.   19  And I’ll say to myself, “You have plenty of grain laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.”’ 20  “But God said to him, ‘You fool!  This very night your life will be demanded from you.  Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?’ 21  “This is how it will be with whoever stores up things for themselves but is not rich toward God.” Do Not Worry 22  Then Jesus said to his disciples:  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Don't let God delay be His approval." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~              Luke 12...

Luke 1:45 New International Version (NIV) 45  Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~             I love this verse! I have thought about writing an entry with this verse for a long time and thought I did. I looked back, though, and I didn't have an entry with it in it. There was a reason I thought about writing it and the reason was because I heard it last month. This is a popular verse around Christmas time but why only hear and use it then. We needed to be reminded of this more and more everyday. If anything, I would want this verse to be, if not one of my verses for the new year, THE VERSE for this new year.             It is a part of the story of Mary. She went on to do as God told her to do because she trusted that He would blessed her in the long run. Guess what? God did blessed her because she had His S...

    "Sensing"= " to perceive (something) by the senses; become aware of."    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                   These resolutions are some just to keep me sane when I need them. I mean I will be working with little ones from now on so I will need to relax and calm down every once in awhile. These resolutions are also good because they are some that I can make a habit in my life, married or not. They are ones that help me with my "sensing" as an introvert since I am not good at that to start with. I got the ideas from intovertdear.com. Here they are (the ones I am going to do for sure): -Take a long bath once a week. -Write fiction or nonfiction, focusing heavily on sensory details. -Watch one film a month in a movie theater or from Netflix, which ever money and time allows.  -Once or twice a week, cook a recipe you've never made before. -Spend 15 mi...