My Toddler in Tiara

       If I had to pick one child at my job that has progressed the most it would be my "toddler in tiara" and this is since I have worked there but I know there is a lot more to come. This is the one that I will turely remember for the rest of my life. I remember her when she came in. She screamed or cry most of the time to get your attention and the very little she did talk, you could not understand. She had one leg that was bent inwards towards her other leg. She had a hard time eating and was very picky about her food. She was also skinny and looked like a baby at the age of 2. You would be amazed how all that changed in at least 3 months and a little longer when we had her.
       As the 3 months went on, we helped her along in the ways we could. We took her to drs. appointment for her eating problems and she has had a lot of threapy done with her like OT and PT with us. She got braces for her one leg so that will face forwards and she can walk right. She loved to swing outside on the playground. That would be the only thing she would do outside. Because of everything my place of work did for her, she left sweeter then ever but still a little sassy. That sass is part of her and what makes her her. It is a cute kind of sassy for now. :) She was my sassy, little princess.
       When she left, she was all smiles and very talkative all the time. Not screaming as often but using more words like more, push, counting to 3, and she could say some of her friends' names. She used "sign language" with both "more" and "push". She would also say "thank you". She could eat one bite at a time by herself. She was more adventurous with food and would at least try it by putting it in her mouth. She wouldn't go near a man when she first came in. She would have screamed instead but by the time she left she would play and smile at any man that walked in. It still took her time to get use to them but after she got over the shy part she would play and talk to them.
        My favorite memory of my "toddler in tiara" will be how she always said "bye" and blew kisses afterwards and she would only do that if she was going on a car ride or to bed. I would have took her home in a heartbeat if I could have supported her on my own. If she can make this much progress so can some of the other children we get. It's stories like these that keeps me strong on the hardest of days because I know somehow either together or alone or both we are all working and making a difference in the children's lives.

My 25th Year

       "Ever wonder what it would be like to be distance from God for a year or more?" As I'm sitting outside during the beautiful Spring day, I think about what my 25th year was like (aka that was last year). I had a talk with God about it last night before I went to bed and it kept me up for at least a pretty good hour. Just crying and trying to understand where I have been and why did I stray from my 24th year since I was so blessed then and had things going for me. As girls and even humans, we think we have everything planned out and that we can tell God this is how we what it done and He will do it that way for us. Well, Last year is when everything hit me hard and changed. God completely turned everything in my life around or was working on it and during this year (my 26th) I'm grateful that He did.
      I'm going to start from the very beginning of how things were during my 24th year. I had a lot of little moments that I will never forget. Lots of firsts. I had the greatest of friends. That was, of course, my first year to Guatemala and everything from then on after I got back changed. I swear everything started after that trip but for the better. I had a job that I thought I loved and would have forever. I had a wonderful small church group. Everything was going great until right before my 25th birthday and let's say in Oct. too. Oct. is really when it all started.
       My grandad passed away before his birthday in Oct. and that just through me off. It was hard for me and I was probably mad at God because he took my grandad a year or two after he took my grandma. I thought I could get that situation because of course it isn't the first but then I lost my first job a couple of months later in December right before Christmas and my 25th birthday. Now just think I have all these great plans and things to do when I turn 25 and I don't have a job. That got me down big time. One of my dreams that I thought would always happen was that I would at least have a boyfriend by then too. I wanted to be married but that didn't happen but at least a boyfriend. That was another dream that was shot. Three dreams messed up when I turned 25.
         I went into my 25th year the wrong way. I didn't have a job and I was hanging out a lot with friends because there was nothing else to do. I spent all of Jan. that way.My friends were very encouarging and they tried to be there for me and they were I just didn't noticed until now. I got the job I have now and I loved it but it was a hard start because in 3 months I went to 3 different spots within that job. It was first part time and then full-time. Taking are of the babies to preschool. This job has helped me grow my confidence back up since I ost my other job. I think during my 25th year I was trying to run things myself because I was mad at God and had low-self-esteem. How can someone so great (me) lose her job that she has done all her life? It took a lot of encouragement from friends and co-workers to show me it is the other job's lose not mine. I just gained a better job from it.
          I think I was so focused on my career and trying to fit in and find time with my friends because me job times were new to me that I lost focus on God. I went to Gautemala that summer but it didn't feel the same. I also joined a morning bible study to keep me busy and it was one one "Loving the Nations" because I thought that what to know more about that. I was in situations and "fights" with friends that I didn't want to be in those things with espically towards the end of the year. It was fun but not for me. I don't think I had boundaries for myself because I was trying to make sense of who I was. A couple of my friends took the lead and said it like it was strainght forwards. I had cross their boundaries and I needed to step back a lot. My words, not theirs but I did need to. They were actully the first to step back because I was the dumb one and did nothing about it when I knew it was wrong. I heard about a book called "Boundaries" by a family member and brought that so I could start reading it by myself.
         I started to read the book "Boundaries" by myself but it was too confusing so I stopped. I started to look for a women's bible study at church that I could go to one time per week in the mornings to keep me busy and it was a blessing from God but the church has a study on the book "Boundaries" so I've been taking that since Jan. too.  I had another job change about Nov. or Dec. in the same spot but that was hard on me and I've been there ever since.
        I look back at my 25th year during the start of my 26th year and in a way I'm right back where I started a year ago (24th year) but so much stronger I feel like.  I'm back with the friends I was with and lovin' it. Lovin' my job, couldn't ask for a better one. It has taught me a lot about myself and me new built dream. I have a new dream. I don't want to just be a teacher anymore. I want to travel (aka got to Gautemala) and help the children there. That is my home. God has given me a new passion not just for children but for the abused and nagectled children. I know what it means now, too, to have boundaries in your life. God has been reshaping my life for him. His Ways are better then mine. I'm glad that I'm still single and not married because I can do so much more for Him. I'm still a work in progress but lovin' every min of it and I know I have God and friends to support me no matter what I go through. They will do what is best for me even when I don't think it is or when it is hard.
         My 25th year wasn't the marriage or the boyfriend year like I thought it would be. God had a better plan for me during that year. It was the year of being more close to Him then I could ever think possible and He still countines to bring me close to Him everyday even in my 26th year and 27th, and 28th, and so on I'm sure of it because I know God has something great planned for me. Something that will change people's lives for Him. Something to bring Him Glory, not me. :) That''s my life changing story over the past 3 years. :)

God's Thoughts Vs. My Thoughts

        "My thoughts are completely different from yours," says the Lord. "And my Ways are far beyond what you can imagine. For just as the Heavens are higher then the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My Thoughts higher then your thoughts."-Isaiah 55:8-9

           I was laying in bed last night and thinking about the way God is leading me. This verse came to my mind while I was laying there.  I went to sleep with this verse being the last thing on my mind. It calmed me down for some reason. It was actually nice to fall asleep with a verse in mind. I was thinking about where I am in life now and where I was. God has brought be through a lot and to be honest I was not on His Path for a year it seems like. I was trying to do things my way and trying to make my dreams come true but there is no way I can do that because my dreams are too big for myself. 
            God's way have been hard and to be honest I have not want to walk His Way a lot of times. He is making walk it through. He has asked me, "Do you trust me in this?" I never thought it would be hard to walk the way God is putting me. Never thought I would walk this hard and care for the people I do.  Not to sound bad but it's true. To get through something hard, it is something that I have to earn by God's wanting and timing. What I thought I wanted and/or needed was nothing that God had in mind at all. What I wanted it seemed like the easy way out and just a man or job that would be easy and that would give me everything I wanted  in the world. Yeah, that's a dream that will never come true espically if I'm living for God. 
             God's thoughts are not easy at all because they are higher then ours. They are made by the One True God and He can make up more then we can ever imagine. We can't even wrap our minds around what He has planned for us because His Thoughts are that high and wonderful. We might have this idea or plan but God's is always better. We might think we can just be the helper all the time or have this man that says the sweetest things about us but that does not get us any closer to God. God wants us to strive for a relationship with Him through everything we do in life from our everyday living to the person we spend the rest of our lives with if we have one. God is not just going to give us a person who says the things we think we LIKE to hear but will say the things we NEED to hear.  God is not going to give us a EASY job but a HARD one. He does that so we will have to rely and lean on Him. So we have to TRUST Him in everything.
                 God is going to give us things in our lives that we are going to need to Trust in Him to make it work. Our God is a jealous God. He only wants us to live our lives for Him whether single or married. If we trust Him enough to give us what we need, then we should be able to trust Him in anything espically in marriage. We need to depend on Him first because nothing can take the place of Him not even a guy. Women, just think of it this way-God Loves us more then anything on this earth. We are the apple of His Eye and He doesn't want us to get hurt. He knows us better and what we can do better then ourselves. We can take a job that is offered to us right away or we can step back and wait on something else that is really from Him.
                 It might sound like a great job going overseas and preaching the Good News or being in charge of a daycare or orphanage but that is only half of my dream not all of it. I might meet a guy that says the sweetest things about me but not what I need to hear. I will admit that I had to step back from something like that and really take a look at it to see if it was something from the Devil and you know what it was. There was some friends that I trusted that God put in my mind every time I talked to this person. I kept thinking you know what this is not what I need or want anymore. The other people know me and know what I need even if it is hard they have made me push towards God not away. I don't want to go preach to a group of older people, I want to go overseas and make a difference in children's lives. That's the passion God gave me. 
               For some reason I can't get that situation out of my mind lately and maybe it is because it is a situation where God was working in my life to make me see what I had before was perfect. Yeah, we will have hard times but that only gets us closer to who God made us to be. That makes us step out of our comfort zone and push towards greater things with God because now we know that is the only way it will work. No one can fill that hole in my heart where God was meant to be but they can sure strive me to get there and put God first in my life.  God knows our Boundaries! We just have to listen to Him and follow Him to know them ourselves. God will tell us our boundaries if we will just listen and pay attention. 

             REMEMBER: GOD'S WAYS AND THOUGHTS ARE HIGHER THEN OUR WAYS AND THOUGHTS. NOTHING COULD BE BETTER THEN GOD'S WAY! 

Open the Eyes of my Heart, Lord- Part 2

      This is about how the Lord has opened more of my eyes two years almost down the road after June 2012. Since I have gotten back from Guatemala in 2012, I have lost my 1st job and got a new one that I love and have been learning a lot about my life through that job. My friends have been by me yet apart from me in a lot of ways. I've had some that stayed and others that went. I can tell you know that I had no idea that I would be where I am today back in June 2012 and I give that credit to God and the children of Guatemala. Guatemala is a place that will always be on my heart and I went back last summer in 2013 but not going this summer but that doesn't mean I don't love it just the same. I left half of my heart there so someday I will go back, Lord Willing.
       A lot of things have changed and it would take me forever to explain a whole year's worth of things that happened so I won't. I will just give you the main ideas. With my new job that I have been with for a year and more now, God has put me sort of in the leadership position for awhile now. It's been hard but it has brought out a lot of who I can really be. I think God did that in a way so He could show me if need be I could run a children's shelter or orphanage someday or that is how I look at it to get through the hard days. I'm learning that I can be more outgoing and that I make mistakes too. I'm learning how to listening to other people's ideas and putting them into works so it makes my life easier but yet I'm still trying some ideas of my own.
         God has also been showing me more about my friends within that year and how to be real with them and how they have been real with me. That they will stick by me no matter what. How I can trust them after my past of hurts. Not all people are the same. I've changed some in group settings but it's for the better.  Lately it has been feeling like I'm going back to the friends I made the first year in Guatemala which is a fun feeling. A feeling that I really missed. Feeling like I'm starting over in some places.
         That starting over could be because in a way I am with myself. I'm taking a Bible study class with older woman that is over the book "Boundaries" and that really has opened up my eyes to who God wants me to be and how I get that way. It is a great book for life lessons. As I'm studying that I can see through my life where I need to follow those boundaries and where to make some. I need to start making some and sticking with them but now I'm in the process of seeing where and who I can get help from for making me accountable for them. It is also teaching me how to be free in myself and how to let the people I'm around to be free without me controlling them.
          Then there was a situation not too long ago that made me certain of who my friends were. Sounds funny but when the devil tests you are could they really be your friends. Are you really mad at them or yourself? They did mess up with you. It was not their spot to say that, here is another friend that will give you what you want. I say to the devil, "yeah it might be what I want but the other friends gave me what I needed and they like me for me even when I mess up." I would not stop talking to that friend about my other friends and I thought about those friends a lot when talking to this other friend.
           Then there was this moment after all of this that I was turely at peace with everything again. I was happy just being around them and I missed that feeling. I have a feeling of I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for me once I do set these boundaries and once I get my support group found. Why did I have to go through a year of doubt when everything was right in front of me after my first trip to Guatemala. I find myself thinking, "Dumbie" but sometimes we have to go through the storms to see that what we had before is what we were blessed with and we don't need anymore then that. Just a great job that makes and difference and friends to support that and then my dream and I have that. I've had that since I moved down here. I never want to take anything for granted again and if I do someone please wake me up. They have before and I'm sure they will do it again. :)

Open the Eyes of my Heart, Lord- Part 1

    This was written in June of 2012.

     God has been showing me lately what the true meaning of "Open the Eyes of my Heart Lord" means or just to open up our eyes to see what is in front of us. My devo. hit me hard this morning and then a song came to mind. 

Quote from "Jesus Calling"-Sarah Young-" I AM nearer then you think, richly present in all your moments. Ask Me to open your eyes, so that you can find me everywhere. The more aware you are of My Presence, the safer you feel."

Song-"Open the eyes of my Heart, Lord. Open the eyes of my heart. I want to see you. I want to see you. To see you high and lifted up, shining in the Light of Your Glory, pour out your power and love."-Old song but so true! :)

Someone close to me told me that I needed to open my eyes on certain things before my trip to Guatemala because I was stressing out way too much and of course I didn't understand that. I was like my eyes are open and I want what I want but I was so wrong and the trip showed me that in so many ways. I come back from my trip and it is like God laid out a new path for me and blessed me a lot more then I could have thought He would. To me, now opening our eyes really means just opening our eyes and focusing more on God and other people. If we want to see God work in our lives then we have to be willing to open our eyes because really He is working just not the way we want it most of the time. I found out to that my prayers are a lot more praises and thank yous instead of all questions and that even deepens our relationship with the Lord. I don't ask for anything so I'm opened to whatever He wants for me. I've been busy too that I don't have time to think about other things, which can be good at times. I'm not for sure how the trip helped me get here and where God is taking me yet or will when my eyes are fully opened because I know I still have a ways to go but I can't wait to see the end because I have a feeling it's something I never thought of. Maybe too that is why He moved me down here to AR out of MO because it is a new area with new people and he can lead me to them. It is a great big world and there are so many things out that but when God leads you to the right ones you know and I feel like He has here in AR. Never thought it would be AR but it is. :) I'm a small town/ country girl and I wouldn't trade that for anything. My dream is to live in the country someday and that is one thing that won't change about me even if I have to wait until I'm 70. :) Living in a big city like Bentonville, AR is great to because it opens my small town country girl's eyes to a lot more then the little town had for me. It gave me chances for more jobs and get to know more people from different ages and different backgrounds, although most of them seem to be teachers or teacher's kids. Somehow, I haven't gotten away from that yet but I do like that part because that was my life too so I can understand and it is easier to get to know them so I'm not complaining at all. Also, living on my own helps me to get to learn more about me I didn't know and learn more about God and just do whatever I want whenever I want. It is a good feeling! Opening your eyes is something that you will fear but you need to have Trust in the God to do it. Yes, it will be about fearing the Lord some, but isn't that the best way to do life? As people of God, and espically teachers, we need to be praying that God truely opens our eyes because we could be missing something in a person's life (kid's life) that could be fixed by only us because God made it that way. In saying all of this, I'm just saying that God has really opened my eyes more this past year and I hope He countines too until I'm at where He wants me to be at. I hope this make some sense because it is one of those things I want to share but it is so big and I'm just learning that I really can't but if I have get it all firgured out I might write on here again. 

Love, Trust, and Freedom

   "My thoughts are completely different from yours," says the Lord. "And my Ways are far beyond what you can imagine. For just as the Heavens are higher then the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My Thoughts higher then your thoughts."-Isaiah 55:8-9

    "For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth it shall not return tome empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the Lord; an everlasting sign (of His Power and Love) that shall not be cut off.”-Isaiah 55:10-13

     "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."-Proverbs 3:4-6

     "He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’^[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”-Luke 10:27-28

     "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."-Gal. 5:1

      " Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."-Phil. 4:6-8      
    
     "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Phil. 4:13

     "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."-Proverbs 4:23

     "He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”-Mark 4:39-40

      Nine verses on Love, Trust, and Freedom (even though they might not say, they show it in your life if you live it out) from a time hanging with friends for about 2 hours. One per night to pray. Doesn't happen a lot to me but it did this time and as I remember these verses then and the day after, I am truly at peace with everything that is going on. I'm not saying it is the easiest then I have been through because it's not but it will be worth it in the end. I'm still struggling and learning a lot and I hope my friends notice that but I'm happy that haven't given up on me just yet. I feel like I'm starting all over with them but maybe that is what I need. Look at these old verses turning into new meanings for me. It has been months since I have seen them or even hung out with them because I was struggling with something by myself and after time with them and putting the Bible study that I'm doing together I know what I need to change about me. 

       What I need to change is these 3 things. I need to love better, trust better, and have more freedom and let people have more people. Somehow I got so caught up in what I wanted and not want I needed in the past year and that can mess friendships up big time. I'm a worrier and I knew I made so many mistakes but knowing that I did nothing to my friends and they still liked me the same meant the world to me. They still treat me the same too. There were times where I noticed jealously was getting into my mind when hanging with them but then I felt the peace of God come in and say, "Just enjoy this time with them. At least, you are back hanging with them. That is a small step but yet a big step for you and we both know that." 

        It is s big step for me to go back to a person when they tell me what they think of me. I usually back off and never go back or I push them away on purpose but I'm praying that I don't here. I'm praying that I can see the signs clearer and make the right choices for the both of us. I feel like God is showing me that only to trust and love my friends but also to trust and love Him and give both the freedom to do what they were sent to do in my life. 

         I will be a little see though here because I know there has to be other girls feeling the same way that I do and did. In a way, I have noticed these past few months I have been emationally and verbaully abused by "friends" espically by guyfriends that wouldn't keep their words. Not as bad as most people and children but I think you could call it that. If not that, I have been bullied by my classmates all through school but mostly high school. I never knew what to expect because when I would trust in the guys in high school but then they would start going out with other girls and stopped talking to me when they did that or they would tease me alone and/or with their guyfriends. I was never bold enough to stand up and have boundaries for myself back then. 

          As much as I hate to admit it, I think that is what is keeping me from guyfriends now. I'm in a great state and surrounded by great guys but I'm having a hard time with myself. Letting myself in and knowing the time to do that and how. It makes since with the loving and trusting part espically when it comes to trusting a "guy" like God. I say I do but really do I? It's like if a person has problems with their father. Can they have problems with their Heavenly Father? Would I be here if I would just put my trust in Him and see what He could do in my life? No, I would be probably in Guatemala right now with my children. :) I feel like God is using certain people to show me that I can trust humans again but most importantly I need and can trust Him with my life. 

          It is a process that I'm going to have to get through and set my own boundaries and I can start now because just recently I've seen where I needed to start. It seems and sounds strange right now but I can't wait to see what God has in store for me as I Trust and Love Him more. I just hope my friends, whether girls or guys, will see the process I'm going through and not be scared of it but help me through it in some way whether it is giving me distance for some time or even advice. Prayers for me getting through this life changing process would be great! You could even pray these verses for me. Thanks. 

God in Nature-A Poem

 God is everywhere that we
look in nature. Nature is His
way of showing us He loves
us. It is His Gift to us. Just
think of everything He gives
us in nature.

God gives is beautiful flowers
during the Spring. He dresses
each one of them in bright colors.
Give each one of then their own
different style of leaves and petals,
He gives us the trees. They have
their own shape of bark and leaves
too.

God gives us the sunrise and sunset
to mark our days. He paints a picture
in the sky for us every morning and
night with those. We have a reason to
wake up every morning even if it is just
to see that beautiful sunrise.

He has given us the beautiful white
snow to remind us that our sins are that
pure white when He looks at them. He
gives us the rain to calm things down on
this earth when it gets too crazy. The smell
of it is wonderful too.  Sometimes even after
a rainstorm, He gives us a rainbow as a
reminder of His promises to us.

God also gives us thunderstorms. During
those thunderstorms we can curl up inside
with our family or sit on the front lawn
with them and watch the lighting show
that He is putting on for us.

God changes the color of the leaves every
Fall to let us know that seasons in our lives
changing but he never does. The color of Fall
leaves reminders us that even though our lives
could be changing it could be for the better.
It will come out brighter on the other side.

God uses the stars to look down on His people.
They are like little eyes or angels watching
down on us. God is everywhere in Nature.
We just have to take the time to look for Him there.
Are we taking that time to spend with Him
and His Creation?

Written On: March 22nd, 2014 while sitting outside in a park in Bentonville, AR.