You Will.........

        "You will love more passionately, hurt more deeply, grieve more bitterly and celebrate more joyously throughout the process of caring for vulnerable children then you ever thought imaginable. We must be willing to walk down this path for their sake. As we do, our embracing of their brokenness paints a vivd picture of how Jesus embraced ours."-All in One Orphan Care

         This might be a fast entry but I think this quote explains it well. Explains what I'm doing with my job and what I want to do with my life and also the person that I am deep down inside because of what I've seen and done. God uses things in our life to make us like Him and I really believe this is how He is doing it in my life. I will go step by step in what I think it means in my life now and later. With job, with friends, and with family.  I challenge you to look up the org. called "All in One Orphan Care".

           LOVE MORE PASSIONATELY-At my job, you have to love on those children with all of your heart. You have to be patience and kiss and hug them every chance you get. You also have to encourage them. Sometimes you have to provide for them. I love when a new child comes in because it feels like I'm providing them with nice, new clothes and I get to pick out cute outfits too. You usually know the story they have gone through so when you do sometimes you are just lead to love them more because of their stories.
           Doesn't God hug and kiss us more then we think? Doesn't God provide for us? Doesn't God know our stories from start to finish?

           HURT MORE DEEPLY-At my job, I hurt because the choices that are in the children's lives are not mine to make yet I want to so bad because I think my choices will be better for them. I hurt because why would a person much less a parent do that to a child. I also hurt sometimes when a child bites or hits me or just don't do what I say but I have to remember that they weren't taught that way.
            Did we hurt Jesus when we put Him on the cross? Don't we have sin in our lives that God has to fix and take away from us? He has to teach us, right?

           GRIEVE MORE BITTERLY-At my job, I grieve because seeing the children like they are and knowing what they go back to is sad. I mean how can you not grieve when a little child come to you all bruised up and really dirty and developmentally behind. Mind is age 2 but physical he is age 4. It just wants to make you cry.
            Doesn't God grieve for us when we make bad choices and not listen to Him? Doesn't God grieve when we don't go to Him and let him deal with our situations?

           CELEBRATE MORE JOYOUSLY- At my job, I get to celebrate a lot though. I get to celebrate when they have a foster home to go to. I also celebrate how much they have grown and learned in 3 months. Sometimes it is a real progress and it is so neat to see like someone starting to talk or crawl. Other things could be when they come in really mad or won't smile at all but then they leave happy. They come back again and the 2nd time they come running into your arms to hug you. It is in those moments I know I made a difference.
            Didn't God celebrate when we found Him? Doesn't He celebrate when we spend time with and learn more about Him? Doesn't He celebrate when we are serving and following Him?

           EMBRACE THEIR BROKENNESS-At my job, I try to understand and embrace the children's brokenness just like Jesus did when He came to this earth for us. He came to set us free and to be like us so He knew how we lived and how hard it was to live in a sinful world. I try to set the children free from their brokenness. That is my prayer, anyways.

             WE ARE THE ORPHANS IN GOD'S EYES AND HE LOVES US JUST THE WAY WE ARE!

Run with the Devil

         This month has been strange for me and has went by fast. I can't believe it is almost over. It seemed like it just started. It has been a strange month but yet a good month at the same time. As you can tell, I have been thinking and writing a lot and things have changed for the better. I am more content then usual but I just didn't get that way this month. I had a hard run with the devil a couple weekends ago it seemed like. People would say that I'm crazy if I thought the devil was messing with me but I strongly believe he was.
         Two weekends ago, I was doubting what was going on in my life and just worrying about everything happening around me. I worried so much that I got up in the middle of the night with my head hurting really bad and I just started to cry and scream out loud. I thought at first it was because my head was hurting that bad but now as I look back and looked at everything that has happened since I believe it was the devil testing me in a way. It was around the time I was really wanting to know if I got the morning shift at work and I had friends' problems around me. I was just really stressed and wanting to know what to do with my life.
        After that Sunday when I let it all out the night before, I felt calm and at "real" peace like God had my back now. Since then, things have been great! I have started to encourage friends more like I use to because there have been chances to do that. Seems like I had my eyes opened more. I got the new shift and love it! I'm just more at peace and starting to like and get who I am in Christ. I also started a Bible study right after that happened. More about that to come later.
         These past weeks I've seen chances to touch the children's lives at work. I've seen chances to touch friends' lives where they needed me most even though it worried me a lot more then they know. I kept my head up for them. Those situations have helped me see and learn again that I do love encouraging people and getting to really know them. Honestly, I think I was getting to stressed at work especially just waiting for that spot or even to see if I got it. Because with that, I thought if I didn't get it, then what would I do with my life but now I think I can stay for a longer while.
          Funny how God can use the devil or how we let the devil get to us in little ways and then they turn big. I didn't think it would stress me out or I didn't care about that chance or other situations but I did care about them more then I thought. Sometimes I wonder if I cared about them more then I did God. Cared about my future and what I would do more then I did God. I wasn't depending on Him like I should have. I didn't trust Him like I should have. It taught be that I can trust Him and should trust Him. He will come through with the best things for me even when my heart says "this will happen" I need to trust it because that is God talking to me about something.
            I feel like He is saying that about another certain situation so I just have to learn to trust it and leave it at His feet like I have everything else. It is like I get so worked up when things are about to change for me and I know they are good things but still hard to trust. It is also like I can tell they are about to happen for real before they really do happen. That can be a gift but at the same time it can be a curse because you start to doubt is this me wanting this feeling or is that God giving me that feeling and telling me that. Like a friend has said before: You need to listen to what God is saying instead of what you or other people want. This month as been a spiritual month for me but I've loved it. Seen all the changes that has happened to me and around me just shows me that God is at work on this earth. He is walking with us and keeping us safe and leading us. TRUST GOD AND HE WILL LEAD YOU TO HIS BEST FOR YOU!!!!! He might break you on the way but it is to, only, build you to be like Him.

My 1st Week of Mornings

        Most people would think I am crazy right now because I get up by 4 and get to work at 6 or a little before but I love it! I started the morning shift at my job and it is 6-2. I can have a "real" life now with friends and different activties but that's not the only reason I like it. There are a lot more reasons.
        Reason #1-It is a lot calmer in the mornings. That is when the kids just got up and is ready for the day. You don't have so many things to do because they don't take baths in mornings. I also get to spend time with the children because I don't have to be up doing things all the time. Less fights because both teachers are in the room or around close by and can get to the children faster.
        Reason #2- Being a teacher's kid, I'm also a morning person. I have done 3 out of 5 days this week without coffee or a lot of it. I'm use to getting to school by 7:30 and leaving at 4:00 on good days when I was little and if I was lucky. Being a morning person also runs in my family. Both of my parents are morning people.
        Reason #3-I have a chance to do crafts and teach the children in the morning since we don't have to do everything. I have time to get that stuff ready to for the next day. It is like a little preschool and honestly it can be depending on the children we have. I have a chance to make plans and use them. I have the chance just to be the leader in the preschool area and actually use my "talents".
        Reason #4-The last reason I love working in the early mornings is because I get to leave for work later because there are no cars on the road at 5:15 am. It is a quite drive into the country and I get to see the sun rise at times or will in the Spring. I also love to hear the rooster every morning when I get to work. Yes, there is a rooster by work.
         Reason #5-I get the end and experience of both worlds and I love that! I know everyone that works there and know what they are looking for when I give information about the children and how they treat the children. It is just good to get the all around feeling for any work or business if you have the chance too.
          At this job, I got the experience in everything from babies to preschool. From night to day. I know how the newborn to preschool area works and that is nice in away.

Special to God

         "God made children grow in a certain way and when we don't take care of them the right way, it can change them."

          Look at this quote from an abused or neagleted child's point of view. I came up with this quote after watching a movie in a training that I had at work about a little girl that was abused and not paid attention to.  Our main subject was child development, which I probably had 3 of the same classes on that in college because I kept changing my major and they weren't happy with the one I took for some reason. This quote that popped into my mind got me to think about child development (aka my degree) and how new way.
          People have been making these charts and ways that children should reach and do a certain thing by a certain age and most of them do or at least close to that age. We tend not to think anything about those charts but work with abused preschoolers and you would beg to differ. Children being abused and neglected would not reach that stage or time.
           God made us for relationships and for bonding. He made us to grow and grow in order. God made us complex and when you think about the human made charts of development it is amazing. It is even hard to explain. He gives us what we need to grow and if we don't get that we don't grow like we should. It is strange too because the most common ones that are not developed are emotional and intellentance. It is sad that emotional is one of them. Who cannot love their child? It is so hard to wrap my mind around that.
            God make us so complex and wonderful like the Palms says. He know how inner being. He knows what we need to grow into the person we need to be so why are we so hard on ourselves. Why do we not take time to enjoy what He has given us as in talents and knowledge? Why do we not take the time to enjoy what and who is around us because they help us grow too? They are a big part of building relationships and bonding.
            God gave us the wants to talk and be with him because that is what bonding is all about. It is to get to know the person or thing we love the most. It is being with them all the time. Asking them questions and learning about them. Seeing what they think in a certain situation. Loving them with all our hearts. Just strange how we really take our relationships with God less seriously then our relationships with humans. We think that humans know everything so we ask them all the questions but only God does and we need to be asking Him everything.
           That quote makes more sense and is more meaningful in my mind but that might because I work with abused children everyday and Christ lives out of me everyday for those children. It could also be that this quote is just one of those quotes that is hard to explain but means something deep down. It all comes back to relationships with God and people. We are the person we are when we give to the people around us because they give back and we are happier. We learn everyday whether we know it or not, even as adults probably more so about "real" life.

Strong Prayer Warriors

       Like I have said before I am thinking about a lot of things and I know have time to write so there will be a lot of entries on here in the next few weeks.  This entry is about prayer and clarity. This past Saturday at church the sermon was about why are we here on this earth and why the cross. Now you might ask how did you get clarity out of that. Well, Jesus followed God all the way to the cross. He had clarity from God that that was His Purpose for Him here on this earth.
       I was reading another friend's blog and what she is going through right now with her daughter and all I can say is wow! Then her brother is doing an amazing thing. It is just like you can see that that whole family has something going for them but do they see that in the mist of the busyness and worries with those situations. They are really prayer warriors for anything and everything. I keep thinking to myself, even though, I'm not suppose to, how can I be a prayer warrior like them. If they read this, they would be so humbled but it is true.
       Sickness of the daughter and going after his dream. Those are tough things to get through on your own. No doubt. You do need the clarity of God to see His Reasoning and His Way to go about it. I've been thinking a lot about my future and what my dream really is and if I can make myself a strong prayer warrior I would pray to make my own children's home or be a froster parent. I know the friend that has the daughter, she said that she has started to pray God's Will be done in everything and that has to be hard for her to pray for her daughter so why can't I pray it for success in a way.
        God's Will be done. What am I scared of? Only the best will come out of this. I've been made in the image of this of understand children with special needs and wants. I never was "normal" and never will be. It did hit me today that someone called one of our children special needs when really all it was was he is developmentally behind his speech. I see that people call those kind of children speical needs now and I just HATE it with a passion.  Those children can get over it. I did. Granted I'm still working on it a little bit each day I see progress.
         I see that I'm speaking up for the children I'm working with when really I didn't speak up at all at a younger age. I brought something to attention that someone missed just by speaking up and wanting to learn more about the process because of my dream. I just wish that there was a way where I could tell that family and really the parents that they have raised some prayer warriors in every way. I know that would be strange but still it would be encouraging to them and to me. I could tell the people themselves but I think it just won't do justice.
         Funny, how you could be praying for something for a year and a half and it comes true. How you even pray something for 6 months and it comes true. It is also a great reminder that we are on God's time, not our own but yet you have to be consistent with that prayer like you have to be with everything else in life. Funny, how these two situations are going on around me and yet I have my own changing situation that I am involved in for the better and have to get used to again. I can't wait to see how God puts them all together if that is His Will!

Cover Your Eyes

         "Cover Your Eyes, let God lead and direct." That is probably going to be the theme of this next week while starting my new hours and life for right now. I will say that I got this quote from a guy friend of mine. I need to do that really bad. I just need to trust God with my life right now. He is working on things for me that is why I feel like I am stuck here. I also need to prayer in "circles" around the things that I really need but first I need to firugre that out and my personal mission statement, which I'm taking a Bible study for that on Sunday mornings now. Once I get it together I can really pray that and more.
           "Cover you eyes" is a different way to think about things because you hear people tell you open your eyes to what God is doing for you. Thinking about it, that could get bad because you could have your eyes open and yet see all these ideas or your ways and not believe that what God is doing is better for you as His Child. Think about it and we are less likely to mess up if we close our earthly eyes and let Him lead and direct. He knows us better then we know ourselves.
           God will lay our paths out for us.  You just need that leap of faith and trust. You might have to circle your dream for awhile like 1 and half years to 6 years or even longer but you can't give up because God is directing your steps whenever you don't feel like He is or are alone. For me, teaching preschool or elementary was all I want to do because that is all I ever knew but know it's not. God showed me that the hard way after my last teaching job. God covered my eyes to my teaching career and opened then to the foster system for the children here in AR for now.
           I've always cared for children but God had a different way for me to show that care. I want to circle my prayers to become a foster mom or run my own children's home. I also want my own family in a way but know I can do this job either way. It would just be harder doing it single but then I could tell them about God being their Father and that is all they would have to focus on making happy.  I believe that I can be like "Kisses from Kate" only here in AR and the states if I focus on it.
           Cover my eyes and God will do what He wants and it will be greater then ever. It is strange that I don't have a plan after this job just yet but praying I will and that it would be different then I ever thought it would be. Some of my friends are starting their own businesses, why can't I? I know I'm not alone in this. God is teaching me just to trust Him again and He has put people in my life that has or is starting their dream and/or next journey the journey God wants them on. Things happen for a reason and most of these things for friends were totally unexpected and I'm just waiting for that time in my life again.
               I'm waiting to get back in my comfort zone again so God can pull me out again after I just got comfortable. I'm for sure not a patience person. It is sad when I already want the next change and I don't even know what it is yet but I always had a thought that it will be big. Right now, as I'm thinking for my friends, I've been right for them so that gives me hope that I'm also right for myself.  I'm excited for my friends and the path God has for them ahead of them and I'm also excited to see where God puts me these next few years.

Selfless Love is Hard

         Selfless love is hard and that is an understatement in itself. Loving someone or something so much that you just have to give up everything for it or let it go, really. When you selflessly love more then one thing at a time that is even harder. That is what I'm going through right now. It just seems like God puts all the stressful things together and I knew big changes were coming even before they came like a week or two before. They mainly have to do with friends and my job. Some I like and some I don't but it is better for the people involved. I have no say at all.
         Selfless love is giving up the person that you think you like to do their dream and make it come true. Giving up that person yet you spent most of your time into that person. You're happy for them but yet at the same time it is breaking your heart to see them move on. You want them to be happy before you are happy and if that means giving up them to their dream so be it.
          Selfless Love is caring for a little child that you don't even now anything about or that you do know at least half of their family. When you would do anything to make that child's life easier, and if they have a family, their life easier too. You would offer your services and much more if you could. It's not easy giving something up to a sickness when they are your whole life.
         Selfless Love is seeing the faces of those orphans, abused, and negeteled and loving and giving them anything that you can and have. You don't care what happens then and there as long as you know you are making a difference in someone's life.
         Selfless Love is a lot of giving up things you love. Some people are just made that way like me and it's hard at times but I care enough about people closest to me that I want the best for them no matter what.  Selfless Love is putting other people before yourself.
          I'm going to speak to the woman here because I know that way kind of. Guys are going to look for that women who will give themselves up. Love when there needs to be love no matter what. Encouragement where there needs to be that. Woman we are the nurturers. We are by the guy's side to cheer them on in time of need. Lately, I've seen that in my life. I'm cheering guys on to reach their dreams and for health for their families. I'm left here doing what I feel like nothing with my life yet I'm doing so much more then I can think of.
            It's hard to have selfless love and be on the sidelines using it but at the same time it is rewarding to see the rewards if you get to stay around that long. I have tried to give up and forget a million of times on certain things and it feels like God is always taking me back and telling me, "you need to be here for a reason". "You are here for a reason". Like today at work, a old lady told me that "God has a reason that he let a certain thing happen to her". We need to believe that everyday and just go with the follow and not miss a chance.
            Right now, I'm just amazed at my discernment lately. I have thought stuff a year or even few months back and it has happened at this moment. Remember, that not where I was fighting with the devil woke up just screaming and head hurting and I threw up. I swear it was a fight against me and what is happening now because all of this is God-driven for some reason. I still want to make sense of it but we'll see if I can.