Living in Two Worlds

            Living in two worlds in one week is crazy. I thought I would take a break from my anxiety meds since I wasn't really stress this week but I was wrong. I cried for the first time last night in a long time. It is like I am living in two worlds. I wish I could just live in one. I wish I could be normal and not get so worked up about things even for a week would be nice. I also noticed that the past two nights I couldn't sleep because my mind wouldn't turn off. 

               That's when I started thinking about things happening I guess and I just started to cry. Yes, its good to cry every once in awhile especially when meds are holding you back but it is still strange. You cry and you don't know why. You are all worked up and you don't know why. I guess what's going on in today's world is really upsetting. Maybe I am happy that I found a way to work through this tough time in history. Yes, I am hearing and seeing all the things going on but yet I am not overthinking them because I am on anxiety meds.

              Yes, they are bad and wrong and touching home for me in some ways. I know that but if I was without then I know i would be crying non stop this past year. I would have been feeling miserable and cried at every little thing good or bad. To be honest, I wanted to cry this past weekend when I got to see almost everyone at home because it has been forever but I didn't. I really wanted to cry while hugging my nieces but I held back.

             Then so many changes back and forth this year too which I could never stand. Not very many people say this but I know that this past year would have been a mess for me if I didn't know how to control my anxiety. Plus I have people that I can talk to about those things that are bothering me too and that I don't understand and that helped big time too. Yet again I was not overthinking and not scared to ask those questions to get those answers. I wasn't scared to share my thoughts because of how I controlled my anxiety.  

             I can say that this past year really tested me and my anxiety but thank goodness I knew how to control it and what I needed before things got really bad in the world. Thank goodness that I said yes to meds years ago! Now I don't regret taking them because I see that as a person I need them and God made me that way for a reason. I see that the meds really do help a person even when people don't think they do. People with anxiety really have a mental problem that no one really understands just yet and I see that in myself because of this past year. There were a lot of changes and history made in the past years but I didn't freak out or overthink those things because I knew how to control my problem. 

            Sometimes we just have to go with the flow and other times we have to figure out what works for us when no one else believes it will. There are my summaries from the two different worlds I have been in just this week. Please don't think any different of me. 

Wrote April 6th, 2021.

My February

Summary of my February 

Word: Endearment 

How many times did I feel:

Happy: 8 times

Stress: 6 times 

Sad: 3 times 

Sleepy: 4 times

Loved: 1 time

Calm: 12 times

How many times did I:

Go to bed at 11:00: 13 times

Talk a walk: 0 times

Said my prayers: 7 times

Wrote in my journal: 17 times 

What brought me warmth, love, or joy:

-God created me for me

-Family talking about the Chiefs

-my boyfriend

-my cat Jake

-ice day on my 1st work anniversary 

Self-Care Bingo Exercise:

-Spent time with family

-made a cup of tea

-took 5 deep breath

-spent time outside

-started a new TV show

-listened to music

-called up an old friend

-light candles

-made soup

-gave myself a mani

What events happened and when:

-on the 10th- was an ice day and stayed home from work

-on the 11th: was an ice day and home from work

-on the 12th: snowed all day. Went to pick up a few things and selves were empty

-on the 14th-snow all day

-on the 15th: 4 inches of snow, PD day at home, lights went out 

-on the 16th: sunny but snow on the ground. Work from home

-on the 17th: snow a little bit more this morning but sunny rest of day.

-on the 18th: snow sill on ground and Rover landed on Mars.

-on the 21st: snow almost gone

-on the 23rd: snow last week and 72 degrees today

What was I:

Wishing: people wouldn't wait til last minute 

Feeling: worried, stressed a lot, jealous 

Loving: cuddle time and days off

Anticipating: seeing my parents and the snow storm

Watching: CSI, Smart Guy, Blue Bloods

Reading: God of Creation by Jen Wilkin

Planning: Valentine's Day for my boyfriend 

Enjoying: the ice and snow days

Duality Exercise:

-I am a good teacher but also stressed.

-I am anxious but also want to say things.

-I am put altogether but also torn apart.

-I am a helper but also a strong woman.

-I am a student but also a teacher.

-I am a princess of God but also a sinner.

This was my February. How did yours go?

The God of Details-A Poem

 The God of Details

God is nor just an Almighty God.

He is a personal God too. He cares about

The big and little things. He cares 

About everything. 

God is the God of details too. Not

Just the big things. Every detail is

Not forgotten. He does care about

Creation. He cares about each person 

Too.

He cared enough to name flowers.

Every animal. God cared enough

To put us with the right people. He

Gave each of us different fingerprints.

Every detail is important to God. You

Are important to God. When you need

To know how important you are, 

Remember the God of Details.

The Almighty God cares for you and

Everything around you. You might

Think something is wrong with you,

But guess what?! Not a detail is wrong

With you. You are prefect! You are

God's Child!

Written by: Tiffney Wilson

Written on: Feb. 22, 2021

The Good 2020- Month by Month Activities

         2020 was an usual year for most of us. So unsual that we are trying to look for and post the good things that happened in 2020, which is good because we need to realize that God was in everything at all times. I am going to name my by month if I can. Pick something out good from each month. Maybe that would help me see more of how blessed I was in 2020.

January- Got a new job but had the confidence to quit it too. Was really sick at the start of the month but got over it. Really bad cough. 

February-Started a new job and it was a big job. Had 20 kids and some of them weren't the easiest but I hung on. Got one of the kids to come half day. 

March-Was finally getting the hang of the job but then had to stay home even after Spring Break.

April-Don't remember much from April. Think it was just getting use to the new normal. Couldn't have Easter with all the family. 

May-Got to celebrate my boyfriend's 40th birthday. I kind of made a big deal about it by having a big sign put out in his yard.

June-Got to spend a lot of time with my parents. Spent most of the month at their house. Learned how to do a new craft. Woodburning. Found a new church we both liked online. Started a new side job selling nails.

July-Spent most of the month at my parents' house. Got to spend 4th of July with them. Also, spent some more time doing Bible journaling, which I have been wanting to work on. 

August-Started work back up again but it was way different. Only had 6 kids to teach. Had to wear masks to work. Parents couldn't come in building. 

September- First full month back at work. Also, took a couples Bible study together. Went to that new church for a live service for the first time. 

October-Zack got a new job with a better schedule for him. 

November-Questions were asked over Thanksgiving.

December-First snow day of the year even before Christmas. First Christmas where I kind of spent Christmas Day with both families. 

Did I "Bloom" During 2020?

         2020 was a hard year for most of us. It was the year of the COVID sickness. It was the year of staying home. It was the year of doing everything virtual. It was also the year of staying away from people and wearing masks. Yet I am trying to look at how I bloomed during this hard year and I know of some of the ways that I have. This year might have been hard but I have bloomed so much at the same time during this year and got to do things I would never have gotten to do. I am looking how I bloomed because "bloom" was my word of the year this year. It is strange because we all had to bloom in a lot of different ways. Strange how God works sometimes, huh?

            Here are some of the things that come right to mind when I think of blooming in 2020:

-Got a new job.

- I made closer friends at work.

- I connected with some of the kids that I thought    I wouldn't at the start of the year.

-Been through 3 directors at work.

- Got to know how my job works.

- Got to spend a lot of time with my family like 2 or 3 whole months.

-Started a new church.

-My dad is making it through his exchanges.

-Started a new hobby like woodburning.

-Also, tried to do some more Bible journaling.

-Knowing that I am at least changing one kid's         life at work.

-My relationship got stronger because of the Bible study classes we took and the questions that were asked.

-I am not scared of doing online videos anymore. Although, I still don't like hearing myself on them.

- I started a new side job selling nails.

         So in many little ways, I have bloomed in 2020, even with this COVID sickness all around me. I think it might have even helped me a little though.

Christmas 2020

         I actually wrote this entery down in a notebook about a week ago but I. Just now getting the chance to write it here. I was so down in the dumps this December because of everything going on but after writing this out (aka my feelings), I felt better and wanted to do a lot more things like wrap more presents and bake a lot. It was like once I let things leave my shoulders, I could feel Christmasy again. That's a feeling that should never leave me. Anyways, here is what I wrote in my notebook:

               It is a very strange Christmas/December for me. The strangest thing is I don't feel like I should this time of year. Doesn't feel right to me. Now since I can remember, Christmas has been my favorite holiday and still is. I call myself the Christmas baby but that has another story behind it. I love shopping, giving gifts, sending cards, family and friends, and teaching Christmas to my kids. I went into this December with all kinds of plans for family and class but none of them are happening right. I try to dress up for my kids but that's hard when they aren't crazy or even know about Christmas. I got one child out of 7 that gets excited about what I do and wear. No presents from the parents. I know that's not important but still would be nice. At least a card. Is that too much to ask? Two weeks out for COVID. A snow day right before. I really didn't make a list of what I wanted either. Didn't have time to think about that. 

             We have got Christmas all wrong. It's not about the things or what we do. I see that now. I haven't even got to see so many lights. Don't have the want. Seeing it at age almost 33. I see how right the Grinch was. I see how the 1st Christmas was for Mary and Joseph. It's kind of hard to explain but it's different. It's not About the gifts but the feelings you have around that time or should have. Not having has many kids in the class or has many family members coming back home. Not wanting to shop and look around because of the masks. No time to think. You know so many lives were lost this year and so many in the hospital for so many things. Always on edge because of the sickness. Just day to day living not any planning. New job for me. Not knowing what to plan or can't. 

               Yet one this stays the same through it all. JESUS!!!!!!!!!!! He is still coming and had came! He was born to take this all away. That Christmas star was God's Promise to us that everything is in His Hands still and will turn out for His Good. Nothing is more perfect for Jesus then this year to show us a miracle after it all. Kind of makes you wonder what does He have up His sleeve. 

               There you wonder why my December doesn't feel Christmasy. All this was on my heart and mind. Hopefully, it will be a little better now that I got it out and down on paper. Thanks for listening and I hope your Christmas is one to remember even during the hard times. 

My Christmas Prayer

The snow is falling as I make my way back home.
I feel so grateful I have somewhere I can go.
But in troubled times like these,
with all the ones in need, its Christmas time,
so ,Jesus, I'm before you on my knees.

We pray for joy.
We pray for peace, from the west unto the east.
And that every man may find someone to love. (find someone to love)
We pray for strength.
We pray for light.
And on this holiest of nights, deliver hope where there's despair. (hope where there's despair)
Jesus, hear our Christmas prayer.

I pray that I become what you would have me be.
That I would give as much as you have given me.
In a world that's torn apart, heal the hatred in our hearts.
Its Christmas time and there's no better time for us to start.

We pray for joy.
We pray for peace, from the west unto the east.
And that every man may find someone to love. (find someone to love)
We pray for strength.
We pray for light.
And on this holiest of nights, deliver hope where there's despair. (hope where theres despair)
Jesus, hear our Christmas prayer.

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Lord, hear our prayer.

We pray for joy.
We pray for peace, from the west unto the east.
And that every man may find someone to love. (find someone to love)
We pray for strength.
We pray for light.
And on this holiest of nights, deliver hope where there's despair. (hope where theresdespair)
And that our voices fell the air
A Merry Christmas everywhere
Well, Jesus, hear our Christmas prayer.

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I would listen to this song every Christmas because it is one of my all-time favorites from a Christian boy band I liked in the high school. I would always think about just me and where I was in life when I listened to it but like everything else this year that's different. I can't think of myself when I hear the song anymore. It is definitely not just a Christmas prayer but an everyday prayer that we need to be praying every day right now. In this moment and in this world we need to be praying this exact prayer. It's funny how they are not a group anymore but they were right on back in the 2000s. Christmas will look different for so many by missing family, by not going where they usually go for Christmas, and honestly it shouldn't. It's Christmas. The best holiday of the year. The holiday of love.