Ever had that Feeling?

       Have you ever had that feeling where you just want to give up and let go? Where you want to drink but know it is wrong and it does not help? Have had people tell you God is in contorl but does not feel like it? You just want them to be quite for now? Scared of what is next for you? I have all those feelings this past week and will for maybe a month?
          Also, have had enough change in all of your area of life that you want nothing more but life to be stable? I do not know what to do with these feelings. I feel like I need to travel a whole month and just settled for something afterwards. I just need that stability in my life these days. I hate going into work or starting any day without knowing what is ahead for me. I like routine. I am a person of routine and it takes me awhile depending on how big the change is to get use to it again. It could take me a week to a month to get back on track.
         I know I am suppose to trust God and all of that but the words seem so simple but the action is so hard especially when you are the kind of person that like routine and to make plans for down the road. I have all these questions that I never thought I would have at this moment of my life because I didn't think I would ever need them but boy, was I wrong. I was suppose to be married or on my way to getting married and having a family or that was my plan in high school. I still want a husband and a family. That is a desire of my heart but how am I suppose to get those things when I can't even run my own life.
         I want to be firm footed in my life. I want to get to a place where I can be happy all the time. I want to be at a place that doesn't change every 6 months or 3 years. I am a person of long commitment for all things not just marriage. Then, again, it also doesn't help that it seems like I have it all together from the outside. I might seem like this stubborn, determined, country girl that has it all together even at the hardest of times but I don't. I just know how to hide it at best because I have been doing that all my life. Then I get to thinking, "What guy would want a girl that is determined and stubborn?" A guy can't save that type of girl because they don't know how she really feels. The guy would have to get thinking and talking deep to me and no guy has came along yet that wants to do that.
        It is just another feeling that I have. I can be independent all I want but I will never get a husband that way. Another feeling is that I feel alone a lot of the times and not just my living or job situation but also my stage of life. I feel like no one understands me or they are all too busy to really care what I am feeling. I know they are not but it downs't help when there is also a lot going on in your family and everybody is spilt every which way and yours is the least important right now. That is how I feel at least because I am just moving down the street, maybe? Everyone else's events are in place and set on a date and I am just here waiting like I have been doing for half of my life.
       I'm single but I am ready for any kind of commitment and when I say any kind I mean: in a job, in a relationship, and all the other areas of life. I just hate thinking about moving every 5 years again and again and then it would take me a year to get use to the new place. I just people would just understand me right now and try to keep my life as stable as possible. Why can't I start a dream of my own and just stick with it like everyone else does? Whether it is starting my own business or going back to college? Why am I thinking that I can't stick to something while I am single and keep busy? Guys like girls that are "settled down" but up for an adventure, right?
        Yes, I am up for new adventures but not all at the same time and not every other week or every month. I need them spread out so I can enjoy life more instead of being stressed out and anxious all the time. I don't remember a time lately that I actually felt peace come over me and I know I haven't had time to read a book or do a craft. I am either sleepy from keeping up with the week and trying to do everything right at work to coming home and packing or worrying about work. I just don't know if it is just my personality but I know I need to work on trusting a lot more but how can I trust someone when they let you down or always take people away from me.
         How can I trust them when they don't listen to what I have to say? How can I trust them if they don't do what I say? I might get a lot of comments about this entry but people need to know that I am just stressed out with everything and instead of telling me what to do and giving me all the load. I need half of the load and a lot of encouragement because it is hard when you are 28 and not where you thought you would be at this time in life. It is also hard when you have to prove to people that you knew 10 years ago that you did make something of yourself for those 10 years but now you have no idea what is going to happen for the next 10 years.
          I guess I don't get this whole guy/girl thing and I really wish that I could just have a guy friend that would answer these questions but no guy ever wants to talk to me because I get deep really fast and they are all too busy. Deepness and being real is my personality and I would and do do it with anyone. Girl or guy? Might not be good in the long run but there are other ways I can show a guy I like him besides just that. Anyways, that is my mind speaking for the day. Sorry it is so long and that I am only writing personal things on the weekends lately. Hopefully, I can get back to writing every other day very soon.

Psalms 23 for Anxiety

Psalm 23New International Version (NIV)

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

Psalms 27 for Anxiety

Psalm 27New International Version (NIV)

Psalm 27

Of David.

1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When the wicked advance against me
    to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
    who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
    my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
    even then I will be confident.

4 One thing I ask from the Lord,
    this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
    and set me high upon a rock.

6 Then my head will be exalted
    above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
    I will sing and make music to the Lord.

7 Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
    be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
    Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
    do not turn your servant away in anger;
    you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
    God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
    the Lord will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, Lord;
    lead me in a straight path
    because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
    for false witnesses rise up against me,
    spouting malicious accusations.

13 I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.

The Armor of God

      I am going to spend some time writing another blog this morning. It has been over a week since I have written one on here and I am already behind on my entries for this month. I portably won't even have 10 entries because this month has been so busy for me and a little stressful. What I am going to write about today is the Bible study that I have been going to this summer. It is called: "The Armor of God" by Priscilla Shirer. I can say that it has changed and challenged my life in ways that not every Bible Study as. I think this is the strongest study that I have taken in awhile. It is my new favorite.
       "The Armor of God" Bible Study is based on the verses in Eph. that tell you about the basic armory of God. Each week is about one part of the armor and how we can actually put in on and live it out in our lives. To be honest, I have heard verses 10-19 over and over in my Christian walk because that is one of the main stories that is peached throughout the churches but Priscilla took it deeper, which knowing me that is what I need on most things. Preachers would usually take one Sunday and just talk about the verses as a summary but Priscilla takes 7 weeks to describe each part of the armor.
         Week one was prayer, which really got to me because that is my stress reliever for life. Week two was loins with truth, which explained a lot more about what Truth really is and that there are 3 or 4 different kinds of truth that we could be living but only one is the best out of all of them. Week 3 was the breastplate of righteousness, which is explained the word and idea of righteousness better for me. Week 4 was shoding your feet with the gospel of peace and boy, do I ever need to understand what real peace is from God, even in the mist of chaos. I really learned a lot about it that week.
         Now we are on week five, which is the shield of faith. I haven't done any of the study yet but I have a feeling that it is really going to challenge me to get out of my comfort zone. It is so strange how, for me, God knows what Bible study I need at the right time and for that chapter of my life. I have never really thought about looking deeper into the Armor of God but there is so much more behind every piece then we really know. I am seeing that Paul knew what he was writing about when he challenged the people of that time to do. It isn't really all Paul's doing because God gave him the idea and words to speak to those people.
            I know I used to think that the armor of God was just something for those people during Paul's days. Yes, I knew we were supposed to have faith, peace, righteousness, and so on but I didn't know how we should really get it. I didn't know that we could actually pray to have those things put on us. I didn't know why Paul picked the Roman soldiers' armor to describe what God wanted from us. When you really look into the Roman soldiers' armor and at the verses it all make sense in an odd way but isn't that how God usually works.
             In this study, Priscilla even describes the words "shoding" and "girded", which we don't hear a lot in today's world but yet again it makes sense. "Girded" means you gather things up in a belt or band of some sort. It also means to "enclose" or  "in hem". The meaning I like to use, since it is used with Truth, is "to prepare oneself for battle". "Shoding" means to me "standing firm in place" or "not moving one bit" or "really good stability". Funny because I couldn't find that word in my online dictionary. These are just some examples of this strong and life changing study.
            As you can see, the verses in the Bible have so much more meaning behind them but today's world is just so fast that we don't take time to think about the deeper meaning of things that are the most important. I will say to that this study comes with videos of Priscilla Shirer teaching the lessons and getting us started with the lessons. It is like she talks about the faith chapter and then we do it for a week and then come back and talk about it in small groups. Then it is watching the video for the next week and so on. I would also like to say that Priscilla Shirer has became my new favorite women's Bible Study speaker, even for me, past Beth Moore and all the others out there for this moment in my life.
              This is the second study that I have done of hers with my church. The another one was just about taking things one step at a time. It was about learning how to "Breathe" (aka take a break for God every once in awhile). I hope this shows you a little of what I am learning in my life right now and kind of where I am at in my life too. God knows what I need right when I need it. I am scared that He is teaching me to actually put on the Armor of God but I know I shouldn't be because God is with me all the time especially if I have the Armor on.
              Hope you will take the time to look deeper into the Armor of God, whether on your own or with this Bible study. It is also a good one to do alone. Digging deeper in God's Word always makes us stronger. This is a Bible study that I can say has grown me and challenged me a lot. I felt like I have grown in just these 4 weeks that I have been going to it. Just with what I am learning with it. Hope you grow in your Walk with Christ with it too.

How Does the Holy Spirit Work?

         How does the Holy Spirit work? That is a question that I have been asking myself ever since I have moved and started going to church here in NWA. When I was growing up, you never would here much about who and what the Holy Spirit was or how it worked in your life. It was a topic that was usually left out in church sermons and Bible lessons/studies. I really remember first hearing about it when I started my life here in AR and at Fellowship Bible Church. Since then, I have seen how it has worked in my life and the lives of the people around me.
          I am going to give you an example of what happened just recently in my life that made me think about the Holy Spirit and how it does work. When I was growing up, I always knew that the Holy Spirit moved in some way and form. For me, it would be getting the shivers or crying but I never heard of it as talking to a person. I guess you could say that those two things were kind of like talking to me but I can even here the Holy Spirit more since I have learned about it more and more through these past few years. I have also learned a lot about myself in these past few years too.
           I was talking to a friend last night after our prayer meeting about a lot of different things but we got on the subject of boyfriends and marriage. She was telling me about on of her old boyfriend and how she didn't feel right about marrying him. Something that hit me, when she was telling me the story, was this: She felt like the Holy Spirit was telling her to break it off with him. She knew something was going on and that he wasn't the right one for her but she didn't know why. She, of course, learned later on why and thanked God that she did break it off. She gives all the credit to the Holy Spirit for leading her to do that.
             I recently had an experience where I could have and should have been the first one to call it off myself. It wasted so much of my energy these pat few months but I was just scared of how the situation was going to go. I'm not the kind of person that let people down but why can't I be especially if they aren't treating me right. I see this kind of pattern in my life when I look back at my crushes. When I really get to like a boy, things happen. I start to really get to know them and get close to them and then I feel like the Holy Spirit is telling me to push on or stop what I am doing. I was very stubborn with this last guy.
             So stubborn that he had to tell me how he felt and where I said that was all I needed to know. In the past, I have let guys know right off the bat that I have a crush on them or ask if they want to hang out sometime and they always say "no" or "leave me alone" and I am fine with that. Might take me a few days to get over it depending on how long I have know the guy but still it was fine and easy. There was something about this one guy that I was stubborn about. I guess I just kept hoping that he was different then all the other guys that I have known but again he is a guy so not really.
               I do respect him for telling me straight out finally that he doesn't feel the same way I do about him. It was when I could get my feelings out and be fine with it but I should have done it a lot sooner then I did. I made myself wait and it just got worse by the moment. I done things that I probably should't have and asked things I probably shouldn't have just because I was trying to keep a hold of him when really I should have been letting go. He find this interesting or be mad, who knows, if he found this out but it has been 6 months to a year that I have felt something in my body saying that I just need to tell him and get it over with so I can more on with my life.
                Over the 6 months to a year and maybe even longer, it wouldn't happen every day but there were moments where I would think about "what would happen if I did tell him", "should I tell him", "how do I tell him", and more. At those moments, I just thought I was going crazy and/or just having a bad day which could be both but know that I look back I knew it was something else. After listening to my friend's story, I know it is something else. It was/is the Holy Spirit speaking through me about the relationship. I should have told him instead of the other way around like it did happen. God was just, probably, trying to keep me safe from something. Even though, it might take me awhile to find out or maybe I never will find out but I knew that God was keeping me safe from something.
               As I look at it this way, I am glad he told me straight out because not only is he saving me from something and maybe for someone else but at the same time it shows me how much God loves me. It shows me that no matter how many times I hear God and am too stubborn to do what He says. He will always find a way to get through to me. God will always keep me safe, even when I don't know what He is doing or don't like how He is doing it. It also shows me that I better hear Him the first time or the second time because the third time will be in a tougher way.
              It could be as little as either one of us are ready spiritually for a relationship to something as big as him not wanting me involved in any part of his life because he has all the people he needs in his life. I just realized this last night so I am still working on it a little bit and trying to understand things but it is only helping me grow in God and to see things from God's point of view, which is the best point of view ever. God does keep us safe all the time but sometimes it will look different then what we would have expected. We might not even know from what just yet but God see the bigger picture of our lives and He knows what is to come next.
              He can see both paths, the good and bad ones, if we make a certain choice. He does his darnest to make sure He can get us on the good path. He takes things away that will lead us down the bad path. Ever thought about things that way?

The Strength to do God's Will

          "The Strength To Do God's Will." That is what my dad always says at the end of his prayers and always have since I was growing up. It didn't really hit me until around Father's Day this year and that is maybe because I needed it at that time. As I have been writing, things were and still are a little bit confusing for me at this moment in my life. Yes, they are getting easier day by day and moment by moment but it will never be easy here on the earth.
           For me, I always need the strength to do God's Will, whether it is at my job or with my friends or other things. I cannot do life alone. That one phase covers how I feel and what I need at the same time. The needing part is "the strength" and the feeling part is "to do God's Will". I need the strength so bad. I have so many weaknesses that I can't even count all of them. I have to turn to God and stay strong in every moment. My job calls for it with the children and co-workers and even parents. My friends call for it, especially the ones I really care about. My family calls for it when they are sick or in need of some help.
            All of those little things, especially if they are all happening at the same time, I need strength to get through them and not just my own strength because that will get me nowhere. I couldn't last a day on my own strength. Trust me. This past month was the worst I had in awhile and I was just about ready to die (figure of speech). I just wanted to give up on everything. If I need the strength to do my own will, then I will, of course, need the strength to do God's Will because it can be even harder at times.
            It never fails that if we want to do God's Will that it is always the hardest way. Why you might ask. Well, it is because God is with us so it can be hard. We just can't forget to ask Him for the strength that we need here on earth. It is also hard to tell what is your will and what is God's Will but I look at it this way. Sometimes I try to back down from it because it scares me but at the same time I know that's not right to back away. If we are going through a hard time, there has to be a reason for it, whether it is for is or for the other person involved. Sometimes having God by our side while doing His Will will teach us something in the long run.
            Maybe not right away but maybe in the long run when we look back at the situation. Like I said, June was a hard month for me but just in those four weeks I can say that I was in God's Will. Why? Because I felt God growing me as a person and He still is. He is opening my eyes in a lot of new ways to understanding people better and just teaching me how to be humble again. God is also working on my anger, which I need a lot of work on. The Strength is the one thing we really need if we are going to be doing God's Will. Then, I, personally, think Love is the other thing that we need.
             It is more like give me the strength to do God's Will and to Love it and the people involved while I am doing it. You can look at it like: Strength in Love, Strength in Hope, Strength in Wisdom, Strength in Actions, or so on. There is always going to be that strength of some kind and in something else that you need to do God's Will. I could, along with you, add on to that phase in my prayers what I need the strength for.
              I also like how my dad says it because the phase is the last thing he always says in his prayers. I don't know if it is just a habit or if he is meaning to but either way I think it is pretty neat and here is why. When the prayer is done, that phase is something good to remember and to take with you throughout the day or back to your home. I say back to your home because I only now here it during holiday dinners for the most part. That is a good note to end on but at the same time you really have to mean it. By you, I mean me if I am going to start praying that.
              It has a lot of meaning behind it and I know that especially coming from my dad because he has been through a lot in his lifetime. There are times where he need God's strength to even keep alive and going. If that was the only Will that God has given him at that time then so be it. At least, he would be following God's Will with strength from God. Think about it: "How can you follow God's Will when it is so big, when you won't do something as small as just breathing?" Most of us want God's Will to be something big for us but how does God know if He can trust us with that kind of Will, when we don't do the small Wills He has for us first.
   

God Took That Doubt Away

         I will be the first to admit that I doubt a lot and I know that is bad. I'm a Christian and I should trust in God but it is not as easy as it sounds especially when it involves someone that you care about. You want to trust Him but you don't want to let go. I have had a lot going on lately where I just need to let go and let God. It is like every area of my life right now is just letting go and being free while God is working behind everything. There is one or maybe a few situations that made total sense to me after last night but I didn't know until this morning.
         I won't go into deep detail because I don't want to embarrass a friend of mine but I will try to explain it to where it gets my point across. I have been in this negative situation with a friend of mine for about a month now. I won't tell you how it started but I can tell you that I asked to do something and my friend told me "not to" and that is ok because it is a line they don't want crossed yet. I respect that all the way. After my friend wrote me the letter back, I didn't respond the best way that I could and the deal was that I don't write anymore emails to that friend so I didn't until last week.
         Here is the reason: First, I felt really bad about how I responded because no matter what I want to be open and honest to my friend and I want my friend to feel the same way around me. Then God showed me something in my life at work and just with everything in my life and that was that I have a problem with being jealous of people and things. I never thought about it bothering me until one night last week. Yes, I was jealous and I would say that to myself every so often but I would just shove it to the side like no big deal but my friend put up a video on Facebook that really was what I needed to hear last week.
          Because of that video, I said sorry for what I said before and told my friend I was honestly jealous of what my friend had in life. It was to that point where I just didn't know what else to do. Of course, I did encourage my friend on what they were doing after I told them how I felt. A few days after like always, I started to doubt myself about writing the email. I'm one of those people where I need to stay away from it for a few days and then look back on it or need a response right away. Well, I knew I wouldn't get a response right away and that is even if my friend would like at the email. I waited a few days and looked back on it and everything seemed prefect. Just what I wanted to say and in a way that was understandable.
           Just to put in here I still pray for my friend because that is something that no one can stop me from doing. If I need to support my friend in the way of pray instead of anything else, so be it, that is what I will do. I will tell you that I have prayed more this past month for my friend then any other time. I don't mean just a list of prayers of what my friend needs help with but deep down from the heart prayers because I don't know the exact things to pray for for my friend.
           Apparently, I still had a little doubt in my heart because God did something last night that made it known today that it was His Prefect Timing. My friend and the family was driving home from another part of the family when they got hit in the back on the bumper of their car by a drunk driver. My friend had a gun in the car so they were ready for anything. As brave and heroic as my friend might of been, he stayed on this driver's tail and got him over on a side street until the police got there. The police had been looking for this drunk driver all night. My friend said that the concealed gun was out but the police got there just in time.
           After that story and situation all my doubt about doing the right thing a week before was gone. I knew I had done the right thing when I found out what happened. When it is one of the first things in the morning, it is not very pleasant. Makes you worried about them all day and I did. I kept playing this thought over in my mind all day: "What if I didn't tell my friend what I did almost a week ago?" and "What if it was a lot worse then it was?" All of these what if questions ran through my mind all day. It could have been a lot worse and a lot more could have happened.
          I will admit I even played each and every situation in my head: "What if my friend had to shoot?" "What if someone, be it my friend or someone in the family, got hurt? Then what?" "What if the driver did a full on crash into the car instead of a "bump" on the back on the bumper?" But then, I went to my "happy place" and just thanked God that no one was hurt and that everyone was safe. I also thanked God for showing me that He does answer the prayers I send up His Way. God was, for sure, with them. There was no doubt about that because you hear so many stories about drunk drivers and other drivers that just makes you shut your eyes.
           I don't know what I would have done if it was one of those stories. I talked to 3 out of 6 of them but I have seen every one of them. Oddly enough, whether they want to admit it or not, they are part of my church family so they do mean a lot to me. It was just another everyday miracle here on the earth because they really do exist. We just have to open our eyes to see them. Another lesson from this entry is: "If you ask God to do something, He will do it." It could be taking doubt away in your life or answering some prayers that you have prayed for a long time.
          It goes to show you that you should never stop praying for people who are and were your friends and even pray for your enemies. You never know what is going to happen in life and you never want to regret not doing something for them. The doubt will be taken away and there will be a lesson behind it every time. It will change your attitude towards your enemies or even your friends when you are going through a rough spot in your friendship. We both might be stubborn and determined and focus on certain things but God knows that and I truly believe that He is in the center working on us both with those things. One day at a time.


It, kind of, goes back to the title of this blog: "Pray the Hardest, when it is the Hardest to Pray." Found it in my Grandma's Bible after she passed away. Meaning if you keep praying hard and straight through the problems something good will come out of them.